Is it really better to be single…

[iris219]

...than to get back together with an ex?

 

The premise is that these are the only options. This is not hypothetical. I’m seriously considering it.

 

I’m beginning to think that getting back together with my ex is the better, more practical option. I want to have children, and I’d like for them to be raised in a two parent family. I don’t have a lot of time to make this happen.

 

Our relationship wasn’t ideal, so I know I will have to be willing to accept the flaws.

 

If you had to choose between being single forever without children (assuming you really want them) or returning to a relationship that at times was good, at times mediocre, which would you choose?

[Jynxx]

Stupid question.

 

If you want childeren and hypothetically there's only 1 way to have childeren, it's not much of a choice to make.

[xpaperxcutx]

If and when I want to have children, I'd prefer to adopt. I wouldn't think to bring up a child as a single parent but better that than exposing a child to a dysfunctional family where daddy doesn't even talk to mommy.

[ditzchic]

 

I’m beginning to think that getting back together with my ex is the better, more practical option. I want to have children, and I’d like for them to be raised in a two parent family. I don’t have a lot of time to make this happen.

 

 

When it comes to parenting it's quality over quantity. I'm with you, I'd like to raise my children in a two parent family but only if those two parents are in a fully functioning, loving relationship.

[Dust]

You know what I really love about Iris... She always seems so desperate!

 

From what I hear you're a real looker so you should have men telling you they want you to have their baby every day!

 

Why did you break up with your ex?

 

Yes of course it would be best to have a baby with some one else then alone if that is your only option. But is it really your only option? You seem smart, you say you're pretty... so whats stopping you from having it all?

[iris219]

When it comes to parenting it's quality over quantity. I'm with you, I'd like to raise my children in a two parent family but only if those two parents are in a fully functioning, loving relationship.

 

If the relationship was completely dysfunctional, I agree that ending it would be better for the child. My major concern then would be that the father remained active in the child’s life.

 

I hate that I feel like it’s come down to two less than ideal choices. My life has NOT worked out how I had hoped.

 

You know what I really love about Iris... She always seems so desperate!

 

From what I hear you're a real looker so you should have men telling you they want you to have their baby every day!

 

Why did you break up with your ex?

 

Yes of course it would be best to have a baby with some one else then alone if that is your only option. But is it really your only option? You seem smart, you say you're pretty... so whats stopping you from having it all?

 

I live in a town with very few single men my age. I have a girlfriend who's been single for 9 years and another who's been single for 3--and they both really want to date, but can't. It is literally a man desert here.

 

I didn't break up with ex exactly. He gave me an ultimatum that was unacceptable. I chose break up over the other option. My ex and I had difficulties because he doesn't have the ability to connect emotionally, at least not in a way I could relate to.

[Emilia]

 

I live in a town with very few single men my age. I have a girlfriend who's been single for 9 years and another who's been single for 3--and they both really want to date, but can't. It is literally a man desert here.

 

 

Move somewhere else then. It sounds miserable

[iris219]

Move somewhere else then. It sounds miserable

 

When it comes to dating, it is indeed miserable.

 

The thing is, I love this town (except for not being able to date) and I love my job. I couldn’t move until I found a new job. And knowing my luck, I'd end up somewhere similar, or worse.

[Imajerk17]

You never tried online dating?

[Oxy Moronovich]

...than to get back together with an ex?

 

The premise is that these are the only options. This is not hypothetical. I’m seriously considering it.

 

I’m beginning to think that getting back together with my ex is the better, more practical option. I want to have children, and I’d like for them to be raised in a two parent family. I don’t have a lot of time to make this happen.

 

Our relationship wasn’t ideal, so I know I will have to be willing to accept the flaws.

 

If you had to choose between being single forever without children (assuming you really want them) or returning to a relationship that at times was good, at times mediocre, which would you choose?

I've been saying the same thing from thread to thread: women hate to be alone. A woman would rather be in an unhappy relationship than alone. A woman physiologically needs to be companionship. There is no such thing as a woman who is alone and happy.

 

If the relationship was completely dysfunctional, I agree that ending it would be better for the child. My major concern then would be that the father remained active in the child’s life.

BS. 70% of all divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women. A woman can divorce her dude for the flimsiest reason--"I didn't like his haircut"--and Bam! The judge bangs down his gavel and awards the women half his income and forces the guy to pay child support.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you divorced your husband quickly after you have kids, saying it was all his fault. But, in reality, you knew it wouldn't work out to begin with. But since you were so desperate to get married and so afraid of being alone, you got into a relationship with him anyway.

I hate that I feel like it’s come down to two less than ideal choices. My life has NOT worked out how I had hoped.

 

I live in a town with very few single men my age. I have a girlfriend who's been single for 9 years and another who's been single for 3--and they both really want to date, but can't. It is literally a man desert here.

 

I didn't break up with ex exactly. He gave me an ultimatum that was unacceptable. I chose break up over the other option. My ex and I had difficulties because he doesn't have the ability to connect emotionally, at least not in a way I could relate to.

How many times has Oxy Moronovich said this: "Time is not on a woman's side."

 

With time, a woman's looks start to fade. When her looks start to fade, she meets fewer men. When she meets fewer men, her options decrease. When her options decrease she her desperation increases. When her desperation increases, she will choose the guy who seems most likely to stick around. Suddenly, that nice guy she overlooked when she was younger and had more options is so much more appealing. Suddenly, she's fallen in love with him and she's saying she couldn't be happier.

[zengirl]

Well, the premise is flawed if those are the only two options since the reason to "stay single" is that you haven't met the person who's right for you yet.

 

If you are 100% certain that would never ever happen, then I guess, it depends which is more tedious: being alone or being with someone not right for you. For me, being alone still sounds better, even without the hope of the right person, but that's easy for me to say when it's not me. Being alone must get hard as you get older and more of your friends are pairing off and so forth. Especially if you want kids.

 

I would echo, "Move," if love and family are priorities for you. If staying in the town and at your job is more of a priority for you, then own that and do what you want with it. It sounds pretty dreary to go back to a relationship where you know you'll never emotionally connect.

[iris219]

I've been saying the same thing from thread to thread: women hate to be alone. A woman would rather be in an unhappy relationship than alone. A woman physiologically needs to be companionship. There is no such thing as a woman who is alone and happy.

 

 

BS. 70% of all divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women. A woman can divorce her dude for the flimsiest reason--"I didn't like his haircut"--and Bam! The judge bangs down his gavel and awards the women half his income and forces the guy to pay child support.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you divorced your husband quickly after you have kids, saying it was all his fault. But, in reality, you knew it wouldn't work out to begin with. But since you were so desperate to get married and so afraid of being alone, you got into a relationship with him anyway.

 

How many times has Oxy Moronovich said this: "Time is not on a woman's side."

 

With time, a woman's looks start to fade. When her looks start to fade, she meets fewer men. When she meets fewer men, her options decrease. When her options decrease she her desperation increases. When her desperation increases, she will choose the guy who seems most likely to stick around. Suddenly, that nice guy she overlooked when she was younger and had more options is so much more appealing. Suddenly, she's fallen in love with him and she's saying she couldn't be happier.

 

What you've said has very little to do with my post.

 

I’m not lonely or unhappy alone. I want children and I can’t do that alone. Honestly, being with my ex is lonelier than being by myself.

 

You contradict yourself when you say women can't be alone, yet they initiate most divorces.

 

I'm not contemplating going back to the nice guy I overlooked. That doesn't characterize my ex or my situation at all.

[verhrzn]

I'm in a similar situation to you (really want kids but am running out of time, and there are no guys to date) but no matter how much I may desperately want a family, part of being a parent is looking out for the welfare of a child. A child deserves a loving, happy home, and he can't have that if the parents are together because there were no other choices.

 

Depending on my career trajectory, I could potentially afford to raise a child alone, but without a central strong male figure, I think I'd be doing the child a major disservice. So I've decided I just have to swallow my own wants and do what's best for the child right off the bat... not have them.

[Oxy Moronovich]

What you've said has very little to do with my post.

Oh, I beg to differ. It is entirely relevant to your situation.

I’m not lonely or unhappy alone. I want children and I can’t do that alone. Honestly, being with my ex is lonelier than being by myself.

And why do you wanna have kids so badly with a dude you're not compatible with?

 

Perhaps you feel lonely being one of the few single women in your town. When the married women in yer town talk about their families you feel ostracized and it makes you desire for a family yourself. And that means you can be a part of their group.

You contradict yourself when you say women can't be alone, yet they initiate most divorces.

Yes, they get divorced after they have kids or find a new man or are told they can find a new man.

 

So what I said wasn't a contradiction, sweetheart.

I'm not contemplating going back to the nice guy I overlooked. That doesn't characterize my ex or my situation at all.

I was referring to that thread called "Definition of a High Quality Man" by Janesays (probably the dumbest, most BS thread on LS).

 

You're contemplating going back to a man you know is incompatible. If you had more options you wouldn't even think about it. And this thread wouldn't exist.

[Cypress25]

I’m not lonely or unhappy alone. I want children and I can’t do that alone. Honestly, being with my ex is lonelier than being by myself.

 

I'm very concerned about this. Your desire to have children overshadows all of your other needs: happiness, security, companionship, love, etc. You're prepared to sacrifice it all just to get the children you've always wanted. Do you really think it will be worth it?

 

Your kids won't make you happy. At least, they won't make you happy enough to compensate for all the unhappy stuff in your life. Aside from the brief Kodak moments, raising kids is hard work. It's stressful, exhausting, expensive, and never-ending. Once you have kids, you will never again have a single moment of peace. Free time will be a thing of the past. So will sleep and your social life. Being a mother is not the wonderful fairyland of happiness and joy that you imagine. So it sounds pretty stupid to say that you want the never-ending stress and exhaustion of motherhood so badly that you're willing to spend your life in a lonely, unhappy, emotionally dead marriage. This will kill your soul. It will never make you happy.

 

Besides, if this guy doesn't have the ability to connect emotionally, what kind of father would he be? Don't you want your kids to have a good father? You want a baby-daddy, I understand that. But that's a terrible way to choose a partner and it will blow up in your face. I know you think having kids will make it all better, but it won't. Actually, studies have shown that marital satisfaction decreases drastically after a couple has kids, and these were happy couples when they got married. So can you imagine how bad it would be if a couple started out unhappy? It only gets worse after the kids are born.

[thatone]

What you've said has very little to do with my post.

 

I’m not lonely or unhappy alone. I want children and I can’t do that alone. Honestly, being with my ex is lonelier than being by myself.

 

You contradict yourself when you say women can't be alone, yet they initiate most divorces.

 

I'm not contemplating going back to the nice guy I overlooked. That doesn't characterize my ex or my situation at all.

 

so the misery of breaking up between you and your ex wasn't enough, you're gonna create a couple of new people and drag them through the same thing.

 

and what makes you think the ex will go for this? if i were in his shoes i wouldn't.

Edited December 28, 2011 by thatone

[Oxy Moronovich]

I'm very concerned about this. Your desire to have children overshadows all of your other needs: happiness, security, companionship, love, etc. You're prepared to sacrifice it all just to get the children you've always wanted. Do you really think it will be worth it?

 

Your kids won't make you happy. At least, they won't make you happy enough to compensate for all the unhappy stuff in your life. Aside from the brief Kodak moments, raising kids is hard work. It's stressful, exhausting, expensive, and never-ending. Once you have kids, you will never again have a single moment of peace. Free time will be a thing of the past. So will sleep and your social life. Being a mother is not the wonderful fairyland of happiness and joy that you imagine. So it sounds pretty stupid to say that you want the never-ending stress and exhaustion of motherhood so badly that you're willing to spend your life in a lonely, unhappy, emotionally dead marriage. This will kill your soul. It will never make you happy.

 

Besides, if this guy doesn't have the ability to connect emotionally, what kind of father would he be? Don't you want your kids to have a good father? You want a baby-daddy, I understand that. But that's a terrible way to choose a partner and it will blow up in your face. I know you think having kids will make it all better, but it won't. Actually, studies have shown that marital satisfaction decreases drastically after a couple has kids, and these were happy couples when they got married. So can you imagine how bad it would be if a couple started out unhappy? It only gets worse after the kids are born.

If more women listened to you, there wouldn't be so many single mothers and women in unhappy marriages. Unfortunately, women listen to their emotions. So logic like you've just spouted is meaningless to a woman; particularly a desperate one like the OP.

[Cypress25]

If more women listened to you, there wouldn't be so many single mothers and women in unhappy marriages. Unfortunately, women listen to their emotions. So logic like you've just spouted is meaningless to a woman; particularly a desperate one like the OP.

 

I am a woman. How about that?

[iris219]

Perhaps you feel lonely being one of the few single women in your town. When the married women in yer town talk about their families you feel ostracized and it makes you desire for a family yourself. And that means you can be a part of their group.

 

I have a lot of single female friends and very few of my friends have children.

 

I'm very concerned about this. Your desire to have children overshadows all of your other needs: happiness, security, companionship, love, etc. You're prepared to sacrifice it all just to get the children you've always wanted. Do you really think it will be worth it?

 

Your kids won't make you happy. At least, they won't make you happy enough to compensate for all the unhappy stuff in your life. Aside from the brief Kodak moments, raising kids is hard work. It's stressful, exhausting, expensive, and never-ending. Once you have kids, you will never again have a single moment of peace. Free time will be a thing of the past. So will sleep and your social life. Being a mother is not the wonderful fairyland of happiness and joy that you imagine. So it sounds pretty stupid to say that you want the never-ending stress and exhaustion of motherhood so badly that you're willing to spend your life in a lonely, unhappy, emotionally dead marriage. This will kill your soul. It will never make you happy.

 

Besides, if this guy doesn't have the ability to connect emotionally, what kind of father would he be? Don't you want your kids to have a good father? You want a baby-daddy, I understand that. But that's a terrible way to choose a partner and it will blow up in your face. I know you think having kids will make it all better, but it won't. Actually, studies have shown that marital satisfaction decreases drastically after a couple has kids, and these were happy couples when they got married. So can you imagine how bad it would be if a couple started out unhappy? It only gets worse after the kids are born.

 

Ideally, I would want my situation to be different. Yes, I do think it would be worth it. How many mothers say they regret their children? I would never try to have a loving relationship (I didn't say marraige) with my ex, just a friendly one.

 

I know I sound crazy, but at this point, I’m trying to be practical. I understand the relationship with my ex isn’t what I want, but neither is never having children. I was trying to pick the best of two bad options.

 

I don't know that I could really go through with it. The thought of never having children is frightening though, and fear is a powerful motivator.

 

On a more sensible note, I found several jobs in different states that I am going to apply for tomorrow. My field is pretty competitive, but I’ll apply and see what happens.

 

so the misery of breaking up between you and your ex wasn't enough, you're gonna create a couple of new people and drag them through the same thing.

 

and what makes you think the ex will go for this? if i were in his shoes i wouldn't.

 

He would like a family as well and one of the reasons we broke up was because I wouldn't discuss moving in with him.

[Cypress25]

How many mothers say they regret their children?

 

Allow me to direct you to this woman's blog post, titled "I Hate Motherhood." Also notice the 5 pages of comments below it:

 

http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/694465/I_hate_motherhood?next=1#comments

 

I would never try to have a loving relationship (I didn't say marraige) with my ex, just a friendly one.

 

Even if you did manage to have a friendly relationship with him, it would deteriorate rapidly once the stress of parenthood began to take its toll. Having kids has turned loving couples into bitter, screaming couples who hate each other and do nothing but fight all the time, and are too worn-out to care that they never have sex anymore. If that's what happens to loving couples, what would happen to you and your guy?

 

I know I sound crazy, but at this point, I’m trying to be practical.

 

You're not being practical at all. You're living in a fantasy, where you have adorable kids who are so bright and angelic that they make all your dreams come true. They make you so proud and happy that it makes up for the crappy relationship you have with their dad (which they totally know about, by the way). This is not reality. The reality is that kids add stress and anxiety to your life, they don't take it away.

 

The thought of never having children is frightening though, and fear is a powerful motivator.

 

Really? What if you knew that your children would be physically disabled and mentally handicapped, and would be totally dependent on you for the rest of their lives? Is that frightening?

[carhill]

If you had to choose between being single forever without children (assuming you really want them) or returning to a relationship that at times was good, at times mediocre, which would you choose?

Made that choice, painfully. We could have worked things out and adopted. There was no meeting of the minds. At our age, that's a pretty permanent state of affairs.

 

So far, in the bit over a year since legal D, it is really better to be single.

[thatone]

He would like a family as well and one of the reasons we broke up was because I wouldn't discuss moving in with him.

 

was that the main reason you broke up or other things?

 

i'm about your age, and i see what you're saying a lot in the women i meet. their desire for children is all that motivates them, i think they often forget that there's another person involved. in fact usually the response is that "all my friends and sisters have kids" as if the primary motivation is jealousy.

 

that is extraordinarily risky and selfish. coming from a divorced family, kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.

 

my earliest childhood memory is seeing my dad in tears when my mother hit him with the divorce papers. you want to make a couple more kids that have to deal with that?

[Dazdnconfuzed]

Allow me to direct you to this woman's blog post, titled "I Hate Motherhood." Also notice the 5 pages of comments below it:

 

http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/694465/I_hate_motherhood?next=1#comments

 

 

 

Even if you did manage to have a friendly relationship with him, it would deteriorate rapidly once the stress of parenthood began to take its toll. Having kids has turned loving couples into bitter, screaming couples who hate each other and do nothing but fight all the time, and are too worn-out to care that they never have sex anymore. If that's what happens to loving couples, what would happen to you and your guy?

 

 

 

You're not being practical at all. You're living in a fantasy, where you have adorable kids who are so bright and angelic that they make all your dreams come true. They make you so proud and happy that it makes up for the crappy relationship you have with their dad (which they totally know about, by the way). This is not reality. The reality is that kids add stress and anxiety to your life, they don't take it away.

 

 

 

Really? What if you knew that your children would be physically disabled and mentally handicapped, and would be totally dependent on you for the rest of their lives? Is that frightening?

 

That is the most disgusting thing I have ever read in my life. What kind of monsters women can be sometimes...

 

We men were also taught at a young age that women were nurturing and loving creatures. Wow - I feel so surprised, I get the being angry at men, that holds true for both genders but your own damn child? Sounds like a LS threat about someone you were dating. Your sense of entitlement to every aspect of life's pleasures is a tremendous turn off.

 

Even this thread... The relationship is mediocre at times... REALLY?!?!

What are you the female version of Rambo?

 

Maybe that's why you have the options you have now. I think the man you were seeing was WAY too good for you. Leave him alone. Please.

[iris219]

was that the main reason you broke up or other things?

 

i'm about your age, and i see what you're saying a lot in the women i meet. their desire for children is all that motivates them, i think they often forget that there's another person involved. in fact usually the response is that "all my friends and sisters have kids" as if the primary motivation is jealousy.

 

that is extraordinarily risky and selfish. coming from a divorced family, kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.

 

my earliest childhood memory is seeing my dad in tears when my mother hit him with the divorce papers. you want to make a couple more kids that have to deal with that?

 

We broke up because 1. I wasn’t doing what he wanted 2. I wasn’t doing what he wanted or even compromising because of the lack of emotional intimacy I felt on his part.

 

Most of my friends don’t have children; I don’t have family, which is probably why I want children. I wish the kid issue didn’t exist, but it does, and I don’t know how to not dwell on it since I don’t have much time left. I know it affects my interactions with men when I finally do go on a date, but I don’t how to let this very pending issue go.

 

It seems like most here feel the best option is to not have children...

[quietGuy13]

Straight Women can have a Girlfriend and in fact, like i've said before THEY DO already, (women easily make friends with women) they just afriad to come out because we all know all women are Bisexual.

 

So they give up on men and it's their fault for being single. They just afraid to express their love to a woman because they fear society. But don't women these days always claim that "It's 2012" and that things have changed.

 

Then just come out, and embrace your bisexuality and get a GF. If you didn't make it with men, then get a girlfriend.

 

I'm willing to bet that women could live together and create/raise a family even if they didn't necesarily want sex with a woman. Just go to a sperm bank or get a sperm donor if you want children of your own.

 

There's no reason in this age to need to have a man, IF YOU hate/or have failed with men.