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Deeply in love with my colleauge at work :( (long read)

breakbeat

By breakbeat
in Business and Professional Relationships

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breakbeat Member

breakbeat

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OH boy , I'm a total mess , I don't know where to begin cause I have so much to tell you guys.

 

I am deeply in love with my colleague at work , but .. she is NOT interested to have something going on between us (besides friendship) and that is really devastating for me, why ? Because she is the woman of my dreams ! she's got all the qualities I look for in a woman, very beautiful , good sense of humor , friendly and caring , ...

 

But , It probably can NEVER work because a) she's a Muslim (Moroccan) b) she's is married (but her marriage is down the drains, so she tells me anyway) Of course married or not , I developed over this time (almost 2 yrs now) very strong feelings for her, so one day I 'slipped' and told her that I am in love with her. Her reply was 'I already knew that, I can tell by the way you look at me and such' .. I was slightly upset when she said this but I could handle it, but I better said nothing because she 'teases' me with it on a regular basis.

 

When I arrive at work she sometimes says (with a big smile) "I AM IN LOVE" , she does that just to tease me or just give me a bad feeling about it. I once said , oh yeah? who are you in love with ? no one she replied , maybe she IS in love ? Women are so hard to read sometimes :/

 

We have a nice friendship thing going on but I just want more than friends, my feeling are way too strong for her. Part of the reason is , is because she is THE ONLY WOMAN IN MY LIFE right now , so I "project" all my hope on to her, I know its unhealthy but I just can't stop those thoughts and feelings, they just don't magically go away ! ( I so much wish it could)

 

The fact that she is married makes it even more troublesome of course, but hey .. when you're in love you're in love right ? one can suppress those feeling for only some time, only to come back tenfold! (an extra nice smile, a little touch, something she said, etc...)

 

I have some major issues going on in my life and I never did anything about it , or I just didn't follow through with it :/ I have quite severe psoriasis ( which isn't exactly a boost for your self image and self esteem ) , I am also addicted to smoking weed, and by doing that I locked myself up in my room for such a long time, and that's REALLY hard to break that circle,but I regret it so much now, I am really angry at myself for letting my life run along and me doing just nothing about it :( I have built up a comfort zone over these years, very hard to break out from.

 

I soon will start with counseling for my drug problem , thats a first step.

 

I haven't been with a woman (romantically) in over 10 years ! I am now 38 years old, only had a few relationships in my life (longest was 3 months) , only had sex a couple of times, oh man, and I want it so bad, but I just am afraid to hook up with a woman because of my psoriasis ,I totally DETEST THIS ILLNESS !! I want it gone ! Finally I have taken the first step in a long time to see a dermatologist again, I have an appointment in 3 weeks from now, I hope it will do me good. I feel I am totally lost and I feel worthless at the moment.

 

But the thing that bugs me the most right now but really shouldn't is that I suspect her of having an affair with a guy at work. I know its not healthy thinking but I can't shake that thought out of my head ! Its killing me , I can't eat or sleep properly anymore . I am constantly working out little scenarios in my head , I keep seeing them in my head making it out with each other, you know .. kissing and such. I think I'm just over analyzing and obsessing over her , but it feels downright terrible, is this normal to think these thoughts even when she is NOT my girlfriend ? AM I PARANOID ?

 

A severe case of oneitis ??

 

I just want her to choose me over anyone else, I'd do ANYTHING for her (even convert to her religion )yeah, she knows that, she took advantage of it a fews times already, she knows I can't say NO to her. Please someone give me some advice here , I am really feeling very worried and anxious about all of this , I'm afraid I will go into another depression (if I don't have one already)

 

I might have missed out on some details, those will be added as I remember them, I'm so confused at the moment :/

Edited by breakbeat
kaleidoscope Established Member

kaleidoscope

Posted
Posted

Dude, SHE IS MARRIED. Let her finish her marriage first.

 

Then hit on her if she divorces. And not right after a divorce - let her breath and recover.

 

The health issue is separate. Go to the doc and deal with it.

Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

Posted
Posted

Gosh, you have alot going on here. I think you're best bet is to start seeing a counselor to talk to. And make sure it's someone you find that you like and can talk to. That is to say, once you go to a counselor, if you find you feel you aren't 'clicking' with that counselor, then find another one. You need to find someone to talk to at great length. You have alot of stuff to talk through.

 

No matter what, you need to get clean and sober, and find a counselor or support group to talk out some of the issues in your life (such as falling in love with a married co-worker who seems to enjoy teasing you (not really very cool of her to do that, it's kind of mean actually).

 

You know there are free support groups everywhere, including ones for folks trying to quit drug addiction (N.A. comes to mind, Narcotics Anonymous. Google 'quitting marijuana support groups' to see what you find).

 

You need to volunteer and join a social group of some sort (volunteering is always great because it's free, and animal shelters have lots of females volunteering at them, try one of those places).

 

I say this because if you could make friends and have more social exposure, maybe you could see more clearly why this one woman in your life has such a hold on you, even though she is married, of a different religion, and teasing you in a kinda cruel way. Once you meet others, maybe you won't be so hooked on her.

 

Keep reading all you can around here, to learn alot in life and broaden your mind on these issue. So much good advice on so many threads about unrequited love and love in the workplace (and loving a married person).

 

Good luck to you!! :)

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breakbeat Member

breakbeat

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Dude, SHE IS MARRIED. Let her finish her marriage first

That doesn't change the fact that I am in love with her.

Maybe I should quit my job there because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

  • Author
breakbeat Member

breakbeat

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Great reply ForeverLearnig, really appreciate it ;)

 

Gosh, you have alot going on here. I think you're best bet is to start seeing a counselor to talk to. And make sure it's someone you find that you like and can talk to. That is to say, once you go to a counselor, if you find you feel you aren't 'clicking' with that counselor, then find another one. You need to find someone to talk to at great length. You have alot of stuff to talk through.

Yes, I really need to find someone who 'clicks' with me , not easy when you live in a small town, not many options to find a good counselor here, but I'm looking , I REALLY need to do this.

 

No matter what, you need to get clean and sober, and find a counselor or support group to talk out some of the issues in your life (such as falling in love with a married co-worker who seems to enjoy teasing you (not really very cool of her to do that, it's kind of mean actually).

Made an appointment with CAD (centre drugs & alcohol) to deal with my drug addiction, thats a first step.

Yes it's mean of her to do that, I WILL confront her about it next time she does it but I have to be careful not to be in a rage when I say this.

I consider myself a gentle a friendly guy , but when something bugs me I am angry but only inside, until someday it comes bursting out.

I am not assertive enough, in fact i think i have 0 assertiveness, I am a type of guy who almost always can't say NO.

 

 

You know there are free support groups everywhere, including ones for folks trying to quit drug addiction (N.A. comes to mind, Narcotics Anonymous. Google 'quitting marijuana support groups' to see what you find).

Looking up on that , that's a nice tip ;)

 

You need to volunteer and join a social group of some sort (volunteering is always great because it's free, and animal shelters have lots of females volunteering at them, try one of those places).

Also looking into that, I'm sure I'll find something sooner than later.

 

 

I say this because if you could make friends and have more social exposure, maybe you could see more clearly why this one woman in your life has such a hold on you, even though she is married, of a different religion, and teasing you in a kinda cruel way. Once you meet others, maybe you won't be so hooked on her.

Yes , you're right. I have an almost non existent social life, so I definitely need to work on that.

I'm going to celebrate new years eve with my friend, the first time in years I'm doing this. Maybe some girls are coming over too , so who knows what the night may bring ;)

 

 

Keep reading all you can around here, to learn alot in life and broaden your mind on these issue. So much good advice on so many threads about unrequited love and love in the workplace (and loving a married person).

 

Good luck to you!! :)

I've been reading this forum almost non stop these days , and it really helped me relax a bit more.

somedude's post (67 pages !!) is really interesting because I recognize ALOT of myself in his posts, but I don't shoot down all advice, I look over them in all seriousness and determine what could work for me.

Edited by breakbeat
Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

Posted
Posted
I've been reading this forum almost non stop these days , and it really helped me relax a bit more.

somedude's post (67 pages !!) is really interesting because I recognize ALOT of myself in his posts, but I don't shoot down all advice, I look over them in all seriousness and determine what could work for me.

 

You have a great mindset. Keep reading his posts and others. Learning new viewpoints and absorbing new ideas takes time but is well worth it.

 

Keeping a positive, grateful, and hopeful attitude in life makes all the difference in life in helping you find happiness (versus shutting down with a negaitive, hateful attitude that shuts out any chance of happiness).

 

I am not worried about you. I know you are going to get what you need and want in life. Keep trying to learn new things around here as you said you have. In just the 6 months I have been reading here, I have learned SO MUCH. And made friends! All the best to you! :)

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