sayitasitis Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 From reading all the other threads and my own experience, I'll come up with a list of things MMs say to get potential OWs hooked. 1. He says there's an unbelievable connection between you two and makes you believe there really is. 2. He tells you you guys are a match made in heaven. That is, if he wasn't already married. 3. He says he doesn't love his wife anymore and has checked out long before Apple was trendy but is staying for his kids, or his wife is mental and will kill herself if he leaves her. 4. He's so attentive you believe even your past single boyfriends couldn't compare. 5. He tells you that you should hold onto the A because no other single guys would be able to give you the connection you guys have. 6. He convinces you that he's hurt if you don't return his calls or meet with him, and he's only feeling this way because it's true love. 7. He tells you he has a lot of problems in his marriage, and him not able to leave is making him miserable. Without a spark of creativity, he says only you can take away his misery. 8. He says he's in the midst of a divorce or is planning one. If only there's a right opportunity to bring it up. 9. He tells you he's looking for that one person that will make him firm up his decision to leave his wife. And that person could be you. 10. He tells you he can read you so well no other people comes close. And he goes on to reading you and convinces you you have a certain trait you never knew existed. 11. He asks how could you doubt my love for you? 12. He tells you his wife knows about his As. 13. He says his wife and him are just staying in the marriage for their kids so she won't come after you. 14. He tells you he's a "relationship man" and longs to be in a long-term relationship. Oh hold on, he's already in one. 15. He talks about sex quite a lot, and tells you he's a sexual person. 16. He says you're judging him and his actions when you remind him that he's an MM. You LSers probably have a lot more. Add them on! Maybe this could even keep the potential OWs away from such addictive As.
Author sayitasitis Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Let's see... 17. "I sleep on the couch as we're nothing more than roommates now." 18. "I haven't had sex with my wife in _______ years..." (fill in the blank) 19. "I got my wife pregnant and was forced to marry her. I'm stuck here now, doing the right thing..." 20. "We're soulmates" (ROFL! One of my faves) 21. "If only we hadn't met at the wrong time...." 22. "I'm leaving right after the holidays.." (though he doesn't say what YEAR that might be!) 23. "If you can just wait 12 years til my youngest graduates high school, I'm all yours!!" 24. "I SWEAR I'd leave tomorrow if I could, but I'm afraid my wife will: a) take the kids back to her home country; b) make sure I never see the kids again; c) try to commit suicide; d) take me for everything I'm worth and leave me penniless!; abuse the children as she's not mentally sound! And on and on and on. Choose one answer (although many MM use most or all of the excuses above to stay where they want to stay). I've read each and every one of these examples more times than I can count. How could I forget your number 17? The one I heard was that they live in separate bedrooms. And I wonder how that could be healthy for the kids. They aren't dumb!
Author sayitasitis Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 LOL...mine told me that he'd moved down to the rec room and had set up shop down there because they'd agreed upon an in-house 'separation.' Too bad his wife had ZERO knowledge of THAT one. :laugh: And she thought he was just going through mid-life crisis.
Kitsune77 Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Hmmmm... My MM never says any of those things. Not sure if that's good or bad.
Author sayitasitis Posted January 4, 2012 Author Posted January 4, 2012 Hmmmm... My MM never says any of those things. Not sure if that's good or bad. What does he talk about, in terms of himself and his wife?
SunsetRed Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Let's see... 17. "I sleep on the couch as we're nothing more than roommates now." 18. "I haven't had sex with my wife in _______ years..." (fill in the blank) 19. "I got my wife pregnant and was forced to marry her. I'm stuck here now, doing the right thing..." 20. "We're soulmates" (ROFL! One of my faves) 21. "If only we hadn't met at the wrong time...." 22. "I'm leaving right after the holidays.." (though he doesn't say what YEAR that might be!) 23. "If you can just wait 12 years til my youngest graduates high school, I'm all yours!!" 24. "I SWEAR I'd leave tomorrow if I could, but I'm afraid my wife will: a) take the kids back to her home country; b) make sure I never see the kids again; c) try to commit suicide; d) take me for everything I'm worth and leave me penniless!; abuse the children as she's not mentally sound! And on and on and on. Choose one answer (although many MM use most or all of the excuses above to stay where they want to stay). I've read each and every one of these examples more times than I can count. LOL, so accurate that I think you must've written the How to be an A-hole MM" handbook! My xMM "lives in the garage" His kids are in college or almost there but he needs to "make sure they can take care of themselves". His wife is mentally unstable too and would be homeless if he didnt support her. He cant let the "mother of his kids" live out in the streets. If only I'd supported him, while he supported her we'd be together. His divorce would be final now if it werent for me. What BS.
JustK Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 This may not be the place for me but I cant keep seeking answers.I just read this and i'm dumbfounded. I can't help but wonder if you know these are lines and everything else why do you do it? I know some probably didn't know and then you were hooked in before you realized but if you know it's a line why would you want to be with someone like that? I guess I've been holding on somehow by thinking that even if my husband is scum that at least she was taken in somehow. Giving her the benefit of the doubt a bit thinking she was just a naive kid. I really thought better of people, my bad.
MissBee Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 Unfortunate isn't it that "I'm married" is not enough. With proper boundaries, 1-24 would be completely irrelevant. Isn't that the truth! Whether he sleeps on the couch, on the roof, has sex or doesn't with the wife, you're his soulmate etc...the truth is: the fact that he is married should end it all there, rendering all other excuses.
Lostinlife4now Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 He used to say: You have a man in me who absolutely adores you!!!!
Barrsitter Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Reading this makes me laugh! Soooooo glad I'm not involved with a MM any longer! Never again. Freedom Reigns!
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 fBS here..... He texted her: You are the one that I want! I want to reach my financial goals and take care of you and blank (her son) forever! And she texted back: "come back and hold me, hold me forever." We were on family reunion vacation. It precipitated our dday. We were having a great time. I was playing Scrabble with his sisters. He had accidentally left me his phone and took mine while he went to the airport to pick up our young adult children. I could not stop reading that text. He had her disguised as a man in his cell phone. I thought for ten long, hard minutes that my H might be gay. I scored a 7-letter bonanza and won the game, pissing off my competitive SILs. Funny no? And what did he think and convince her of? He would feel less guilty if he could pay me and his children off? Buy his way out of the marriage so we would all be less angry? I was working three jobs while he wined and dined her lavishly on a new expense account I knew nothing about. She was okay with this? I have never seen such convoluted thinking on the part of two people in my entire life. Oh yeah, we never had sex. She told him that I must then have a boyfriend. He actually started to believe her! We had sex at least twice a week during his affair, better sex while on vacation. He was soooooo deluded, yes! Lying, cowardly, crazy, depressed. But she bought it, hook, line and sinker too. Take off the rose-colored glasses. If it talks, walks and quacks like a duck...yep, it's a duck. Don't ever talk yourself out of your gut, your blink, your survival instints. It is in all of us. Don't deny it for romance, fantasy, or projective thinking.
seren Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I so remember the talk me and the OW had after H had told me about the A. The: It was just for sex as you and he haven't had sex for 2 years. Really, I must have a vivid imagination because sex has always been good in our marriage. The marriage is on the rocks and is over. Really, wish I had been told that as I had tried to address our problems only to be told there was nothing wrong. So much so I thought I was going bonkers. OW tried to convince him I was having an A and at one point that I must be a lesbian as I spent a lot of time with my female colleagues from work. H's response was, no, she would never do that, she has integrity (WTF). What galls me, is that we form our opinions of the OW/OM or BS, from what the WS says. We give love based upon what we are told and when it all turns out to have been just so much BS, we are hurt. No matter if we are OW/OM or BS. Just wish those who want to step outside their marriage had the guts to be truly honest so the others involved could make their own decisions. The we are soulmates one is possibly the one that really gets my blood up. Puleeze, soulmates don't hurt the one's they love, and the I would leave but for the .... kids, money, dog, illness, house, pick an excuse any excuse and insert.
SunsetRed Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Now come on, Spark. You know there's not an OW on this planet that's going to believe that. It's actually comical to read threads started by OW that need 'support' from other board members because their MM is on vacation with his wife and they're petrified that it's a little more romantic than his random texts to her - claiming to be in MISERY - are conveying. They all manage to convince the OW that he's having an absolutely HORRIBLE time and then he comes back 2 weeks later and tells her what a miserable trip it was, how he slept in the extra bed in the hotel room, and how they barely talked. So YOUR vacation story simply can't be true. :p Spark, my xMM had me disguised in his phone as a male too! How stupid. Wouldnt a wife think that 20+ calls and texts from a man to another man is odd and call the #. Then when you do, you hear a woman's voice. And Justaposter, so are you trying to tell me that my xMM may have actually HAD sex with his wife when he took her to Vegas? He said that trip was just for the kids and that he had a hotel room to himself. He said she didnt even want him there, but he went along to make sure his kids would be safe....:p When we did go out, we had to drive around in my car as his could be identified. Once he was driving MY car as I sat in the passenger seat and he thought he saw his wife in another car ahead of us, so I had to duck down in my own car so that she wouldnt see me. It turned out to not be her anyway and even if it had been, supposedly they were separated at that time. I have had enough of this BS and am moving on, but I still wonder why I held on to him for so long and let this whole thing torture me so much.
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Spark, my xMM had me disguised in his phone as a male too! How stupid. Wouldnt a wife think that 20+ calls and texts from a man to another man is odd and call the #. Then when you do, you hear a woman's voice. And Justaposter, so are you trying to tell me that my xMM may have actually HAD sex with his wife when he took her to Vegas? He said that trip was just for the kids and that he had a hotel room to himself. He said she didnt even want him there, but he went along to make sure his kids would be safe....:p When we did go out, we had to drive around in my car as his could be identified. Once he was driving MY car as I sat in the passenger seat and he thought he saw his wife in another car ahead of us, so I had to duck down in my own car so that she wouldnt see me. It turned out to not be her anyway and even if it had been, supposedly they were separated at that time. I have had enough of this BS and am moving on, but I still wonder why I held on to him for so long and let this whole thing torture me so much. OMG! My H had just started a new high-powered position, one we had been praying for! I thought he had a mentor at work, an older man who gave him guidance and encouragement! (He let me think that, of course.) I was so happy for him. But she (he?)rarely called when he was at home with us. He also had his cell phone bills sent to his office. He had all of us on his plan and was paying the bill. I thought that was extremely generous of him. :rolleyes:He also had a lock on his phone to protect confidential business communiques. Oh, yeah, I bet. Yes, love is blind and I was an idiot!
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 I so remember the talk me and the OW had after H had told me about the A. The: It was just for sex as you and he haven't had sex for 2 years. Really, I must have a vivid imagination because sex has always been good in our marriage. The marriage is on the rocks and is over. Really, wish I had been told that as I had tried to address our problems only to be told there was nothing wrong. So much so I thought I was going bonkers. OW tried to convince him I was having an A and at one point that I must be a lesbian as I spent a lot of time with my female colleagues from work. H's response was, no, she would never do that, she has integrity (WTF). What galls me, is that we form our opinions of the OW/OM or BS, from what the WS says. We give love based upon what we are told and when it all turns out to have been just so much BS, we are hurt. No matter if we are OW/OM or BS. Just wish those who want to step outside their marriage had the guts to be truly honest so the others involved could make their own decisions. The we are soulmates one is possibly the one that really gets my blood up. Puleeze, soulmates don't hurt the one's they love, and the I would leave but for the .... kids, money, dog, illness, house, pick an excuse any excuse and insert. A lesbian, huh? Well that's a new slant on an old script. I am envious, though, Seren.....the OW in my sitch would never return a phone call (three) so I left her alone until I had to have a talk with her years later. I think we could have enlightened each other tremendously!
beenburned Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 We have always had sex twice a week during our entire marriage. And on all of our vacations, we have it daily. I don't know what my H told his OW about me, but I'm sure they were just lies to gain sympathy from her!
Kitsune77 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I don't think he ever meant to betray his wife...it is a " no go " zone for us. My thinking is, she doesn't know about me, so I shouldn't know about her.I think it's only fair. And he never, ever talks about his wife, which sort of shows me that he respects her. That's not to say I'm not curious why a man like him is having an affair, as it seems very out of character.and we both make no promises or expectations of a future... So I supose I am not fed any lines. Anyway, sorry for the TJ. But if I was with a MM that was dissing his wife,( at least initially( it would set off alarm bells. It's only bad if you are with him for no reason other than to be an accompliss in the betrayal of his wife.
Kitsune77 Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 As mentioned, we do not talk about his wife. We talk about his children, mine , our work everything else. I regard there relationship as nothing to do with me.. And yes, he probably has sex with his wife. It's actually not my bussiness. Maybe further down the track with us it will be. I do not want him to leave his wife or family, so maybe that's where I differ from most. Doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to sleep with him everybight , and wake up with him. But it is what it is. What does he talk about, in terms of himself and his wife?
LadyGrey Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 I don't think he ever meant to betray his wife...it is a " no go " zone for us. My thinking is, she doesn't know about me, so I shouldn't know about her.I think it's only fair. And he never, ever talks about his wife, which sort of shows me that he respects her. That's not to say I'm not curious why a man like him is having an affair, as it seems very out of character.and we both make no promises or expectations of a future... So I supose I am not fed any lines. Anyway, sorry for the TJ. But if I was with a MM that was dissing his wife,( at least initially( it would set off alarm bells. Whether he meant to or not, he is betraying his wife, right? Also, I doubt it's out of respect for his wife that he isn't talking about her? Respect would mean he wasn't having an affair in the first place, right?
LadyGrey Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 As mentioned, we do not talk about his wife. We talk about his children, mine , our work everything else. I regard there relationship as nothing to do with me.. And yes, he probably has sex with his wife. It's actually not my bussiness. Maybe further down the track with us it will be. I do not want him to leave his wife or family, so maybe that's where I differ from most. Doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to sleep with him everybight , and wake up with him. But it is what it is. Why are you in an affair, since you said you don't want him to leave? Is it just sexual or you are married also?
despicableME Posted January 6, 2012 Posted January 6, 2012 And he never, ever talks about his wife, which sort of shows me that he respects her. You've got to be freakin' joking, right? How does he respect her, while he's boinking you... I mean seriously. But if I was with a MM that was dissing his wife,( at least initially( it would set off alarm bells. You ARE with a married man who's dissin' his wife... are you that obtuse.
Heather1 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 K77, my situation was similar. I think it's different when both people are M'd as opposed to a MM BSing his "prey". Which I think is BS in itself if you go in knowing he's married. My xOM never said anything bad about his w. my h was seperated when I met him & he never said anything about his STBX. Rest assured though, there's no way you 2 would have started an A w/out some major problems in both m, unless someone is a sociopath.
beenburned Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 heather, I disagree. The stats on infidelity include the WS that are happy with their spouses and marriages. This type of WS is a cake eater, they want their marriage, spouse, kids, house, etc. and sex with another person on the side.
Kitsune77 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I am not married, and have never been married. Why are you in an affair, since you said you don't want him to leave? Is it just sexual or you are married also?
Kitsune77 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Hi Heather 1 The thought of me being my MM "prey" made me luagh:) It was the oposite, really, i thought it would be a ONS,(which I instigated) then we fell in love. I do know what you mean though, and despite what others here have said, I do see it as a mark of respect that he does not talk about his wife to me, I think its only fair, as she doesn't know about me. I also do think that he could potentially have some relationship issues with his wife....and it is a bit odd for me loving someone and being so close, and having a big part of their life blank. However, to answer lady grey, it currently suits me, I am very busy, my children have left home, and I do not want a fulltime relationship. This may change in the future, we have been together nearly 3 years, he is the only man I am sleeping with, and we continue to get closer and closer..... K77, my situation was similar. I think it's different when both people are M'd as opposed to a MM BSing his "prey". Which I think is BS in itself if you go in knowing he's married. My xOM never said anything bad about his w. my h was seperated when I met him & he never said anything about his STBX. Rest assured though, there's no way you 2 would have started an A w/out some major problems in both m, unless someone is a sociopath.
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