xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I finally made a date with the guy I've been in contact with ( we've been commuicating through text and email). The date was to be set for today (wednesday) however he decided to cancel on me at the last minute when i wanted a confirmation on plans. It took him at most 2hours to get back to me with an excuse about family issues and bailing his grandma out of trouble. His exact words were " just a small thing with my grandma shes old and getting into trouble so gotta help her out and stuff". Then he apologized. I keep having this nagging feeling that he's lying. He hasn't ever made me doubt him before, in facr we've both been honest and frank with each other. However his last minute excuse makes me think hes pulling excuses out of the air just to stand me up. There has been a big red flag that really stood out-he hasn't initiated contact with me. I was always the one to contact him first, however he was always quick and consistent with replies. He told me he wasn't into game playing but i also have the feeling im being backburned.
chryssy83 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Guys who are into you follow through....sounds like a loser to me. Who cancels a first date to help their grandma with what is apparently a non-emergency situation? Whatever...
Author xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Guys who are into you follow through....sounds like a loser to me. Who cancels a first date to help their grandma with what is apparently a non-emergency situation? Whatever... This is what my bff has said. It just makes things sound incredibly fake. He was the one wanting to meet up and I told him I'll give him my time the first chance I'm done with my holiday work schedule.
lululucy Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Or his grandma has a real issue and he has to be there for her.
DonJuanInc Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 BS. My girlfriend recently hired a girl who missed her first day because her grandma was supposedly in the hospital, and she was in such a rush she forgot her cell. Apparently there were no phones anywhere else in the city. Obviously, she didn't have a job to come to on the second day. Last minute family stuff is garbage 99% of the time, so why bank on the 1 in 100 and give them the benefit of the doubt?
Twos Company Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 He's crying off on you, the grandma stuff is an obvious excuse. It's worrying that you were the one to always contact first, this is not a good sign and also leaves you unsure of his interest, despite his seeming genuine, it's the old 'actions speak louder than words' that is the real test. Please let him go, or if you are that into him, let him crawl on his hands and knees if he wants another chance with you.
chryssy83 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Cancelling for a legitimate last minute issue happens....example: I know a guy who started dating someone and she cancels their first weekend date because she suddenly needed to go to another state to support a friend who was in a difficult situation. We suspected BS. Then this girl calls him throughout the weekend as though he is her bf, explains the urgency, is really apologetic, very focused on making new plans. People who really have to bail tell you immediately and make their intent to reschedule clear.
Meeks7 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I finally made a date with the guy I've been in contact with ( we've been commuicating through text and email). The date was to be set for today (wednesday) however he decided to cancel on me at the last minute when i wanted a confirmation on plans. It took him at most 2hours to get back to me with an excuse about family issues and bailing his grandma out of trouble. His exact words were " just a small thing with my grandma shes old and getting into trouble so gotta help her out and stuff". Then he apologized. I keep having this nagging feeling that he's lying. He hasn't ever made me doubt him before, in facr we've both been honest and frank with each other. However his last minute excuse makes me think hes pulling excuses out of the air just to stand me up. There has been a big red flag that really stood out-he hasn't initiated contact with me. I was always the one to contact him first, however he was always quick and consistent with replies. He told me he wasn't into game playing but i also have the feeling im being backburned. On one hand, this could be entirely true. On the other, his exact wording sounds very flakey and fake. In most likelihood, he's a punk loser who decided to back out on you without telling you the real reason why. Life's too short. I say give him a chance to make up, if he doesn't, X him out quickly.
TigerCub Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Yeah he's lying...I dunno, he just didn't play the excuse well enough. I mean, if he said "grandma had a stroke or grandma fell and broke her hip, family should be there to support her" - yeah that would be believable. but he's saying "granny got into some trouble and we need to pretty much bail her out" - uhmmmmm, not the best excuse! so... after he told you that, what did you say back to him? I find it really cowardly that he had to come up with an excuse only when YOU contacted him to follow up and confirm the date - he didn't even have the balls to initiate contact with you and let you know the date was off. he sounds like a cowardly little loser. I've had to cancel a date before, when my sister got a clot in 1 of her lungs - so yeah unexpected serious things can happen that would make someone want to cancel a date, but the person cancelling, has the guts to call the other person and explain. This guy couldn't even be bothered to do that... Trust your gut.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Since you have not even met him yet, just back off and forget it. If he does not initiate contact to reschedule meeting you, and also start some initiating of contact in general, he is a poor prospect for anything good for you. I know you feel a connection and that you like him, but trust me - it is not that hard to just leave it be. The ball is in his court. Either he will run with it, or you will forget completely about him. But if he does run with it - and cancels on you last minute with a fishy sounding excuse - I advise against giving him any more chances even if he does seem like he's after you.
make me believe Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I wouldn't give him another chance. If it was a legitimate emergency he should have texted you right away and rescheduled the date. This plus the fact that you always have to initiate contact makes it pretty clear he's not that interested in you.
lululucy Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I mean, if he said "grandma had a stroke or grandma fell and broke her hip, family should be there to support her" - yeah that would be believable. but he's saying "granny got into some trouble and we need to pretty much bail her out" - uhmmmmm, not the best excuse! My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and had to be taken to her appointments which coincided with a second date I had set up. Why on earth would I have told someone I've met once personal details about my family's life? Maybe I'm more cautious about letting people in but I would never, ever tell someone I wasn't emotionally secure with anything that had happened with my family.
johan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 While having the BS alert go off in the back of your mind is natural, I think it's best to give people the benefit of the doubt on these things. Compare the two situations below: 1) His story is false, but you treat it as true. You are showing your ability to trust, and also to be trusted. You take people at their word. You aren't risking anything by waiting until later to find out he's a flake, if he truly is one. He knows already that he's giving you a story that sounds an awful lot like BS, so he should be motivated to make things right, and if he's being honest, he'll be impressed that you aren't totally cynical. If he isn't being honest, he probably won't follow up at all. He took the low road while you took the high road. 2) His story is true, but you treat it as false. You come off as untrusting and untrustworthy. You show your cynicism and make it appear that relationships with you better go well all the time or you're gone. Also you make it obvious that you've been jerked around quite a bit, and you have a fair amount of baggage to carry around. He knows he never lied, but you treated him like a liar. And even if you don't express the fact that you didn't believe him, the negative emotions will take a while to recover from. And you'll have to deal with the fact that you weren't fair to him. Not a good start to a relationship, if it has a chance to start at all. You took the low road. When I compare the two, it seems like the best policy is to trust him for now. Until you have better information. Just don't be naive (which you obviously won't be).
Twos Company Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I find it really cowardly that he had to come up with an excuse only when YOU contacted him to follow up and confirm the date - he didn't even have the balls to initiate contact with you and let you know the date was off. he sounds like a cowardly little loser. In one of my other threads I state this very behaviour...a guy I had been in contact with on and off for 2 YEARS, when we were to finally meet, the day set and everything, I hear nothing from him to confirm so I message him asking if we were still on and he gives me some bull about having the flu!! but only after I had to contact him for confirmation... I have blanked him since then, and the coward that he is, he has not even had the decency to try and contact me again. Next.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I never understood people who uses their grandma as an excuse.
TigerCub Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and had to be taken to her appointments which coincided with a second date I had set up. Why on earth would I have told someone I've met once personal details about my family's life? Maybe I'm more cautious about letting people in but I would never, ever tell someone I wasn't emotionally secure with anything that had happened with my family. I get that, but would you really say to them that its not anything important? In your case, I would see that as important. Whether you wanted to go into details or not, wouldn't you still at least tell your date that its something important to you/her that came up? p.s. Sorry about your grandma.
lululucy Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I get that, but would you really say to them that its not anything important? In your case, I would see that as important. Whether you wanted to go into details or not, wouldn't you still at least tell your date that its something important to you/her that came up? p.s. Sorry about your grandma. Thanks She's fine now. I don't recall the exact text I sent him but it was something along the lines of "I have to help out my grandma, can we reschedule?" This particular guy was a nice one and agreed, although he asked me to pick a day when it worked out. We only went out one more time but when I saw him I still didn't give him more information even though he did ask. Perhaps I'm just more careful with how much I let people in.
TigerCub Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Thanks She's fine now. That's really good to hear I don't recall the exact text I sent him but it was something along the lines of "I have to help out my grandma, can we reschedule?" This particular guy was a nice one and agreed, although he asked me to pick a day when it worked out. We only went out one more time but when I saw him I still didn't give him more information even though he did ask. Perhaps I'm just more careful with how much I let people in. Well, I guess your example does show that such a reason isn't just a blow off excuse and that some people are just more guarded than others in how much they divulge. Maybe OP should give this guy 1 more chance, but let him come to her, at least. I dunno though, I think its more about the fact that he didn't even initiate contact with her to cancel and just waited for her that's making him come off as a jerk. Either way...good luck OP
2sunny Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 He may be married or taken. This is usually the interactions I see when a guy is taken and he's not willing to get on the phone and CALL! Since HE hasn't been chasing - stop contacting him! IF he's not making the effort for YOU as his priority - THAT tells you everything he's not willing to tell you!
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) When I compare the two, it seems like the best policy is to trust him for now. Until you have better information. Just don't be naive (which you obviously won't be). I like your comparisons Johan.. there is one missing though...the 3rd one.. Where his story is false and she treats it as false.. it falls into a win/win scenario. I think the guy is lying.. if it were me in his shoes and my Grandma was the reason for breaking the date you can very well betcha that I would be very detailed and offer the make it all up when it is over.. But in his case he was bailing her out.. what is she ? a bank robber that needed bailed out at 3am from jail ? His story smells... I think what she has witnessed is his "Tell".. all people who lie have them.... He reached with the Grandma story and knew how bad it already smelled so he didn't elaborate any further as to not raise any more suspicion.. leaving it out there to look at.. This is of course only my opinion... I guess there is a chance he is telling the truth.. Edited December 28, 2011 by Art_Critic
2sunny Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Since SHE initiated all contact - that's not good - or "balanced" for any healthy R. I know a lot of "really busy" men. CEO's, COO's etc - who fly all over the country constantly. When they ARE interested in a gal - they CALL! They call and schedule TIME to see a gal - WHEN they ARE interested THEY make time, find time and spend energy on working it out! Seriously! You aren't HIS priority.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Since SHE initiated all contact - that's not good - or "balanced" for any healthy R. I know a lot of "really busy" men. CEO's, COO's etc - who fly all over the country constantly. When they ARE interested in a gal - they CALL! They call and schedule TIME to see a gal - WHEN they ARE interested THEY make time, find time and spend energy on working it out! Seriously! You aren't HIS priority. I never expected to be his top priority, but part of HIS LIST of priorities. Just like how it was with me, especially since I've been a workaholic as of late, I had to put my jobs before him. I made it perfectly clear to him that I couldn't set a definite date until I had a definite schedule. He understood that. In regards to initiating contact, I had people tell me that I should take the first step because most guys can be pretty clueless, so I did just that. However, it also became a routine where if I had not contacted him, he would never contact me. Hence, the red flag. As much as I am upset about him cancelling I'm even more upset about the fact that he could've lied to me. I'm no stranger to being stood up, and I've already grown hard to the fact that jerky behaviour can happen. Lying is a sign of disrespect and if he's capable of lying this early on, it means he's not relationship worthy in the long run. And it also meant I trusted the wrong person and wasted my time.
2sunny Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 You can give him another shot at making effort. Just recognize that you are starting out with not believing him... So now he's Ina position of not being trustworthy - or a guy who has earned being trusted.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Yeah he's lying...I dunno, he just didn't play the excuse well enough. I mean, if he said "grandma had a stroke or grandma fell and broke her hip, family should be there to support her" - yeah that would be believable. but he's saying "granny got into some trouble and we need to pretty much bail her out" - uhmmmmm, not the best excuse! so... after he told you that, what did you say back to him? I find it really cowardly that he had to come up with an excuse only when YOU contacted him to follow up and confirm the date - he didn't even have the balls to initiate contact with you and let you know the date was off. he sounds like a cowardly little loser. I've had to cancel a date before, when my sister got a clot in 1 of her lungs - so yeah unexpected serious things can happen that would make someone want to cancel a date, but the person cancelling, has the guts to call the other person and explain. This guy couldn't even be bothered to do that... Trust your gut. I am trying to trust my gut even after my girlfriend told me not to be " that" girl ( the girl that mistrusts a guy so much, she starts snooping around for answers). To elaborate, I was spending the day with my girlfriend, getting my hair done- a typical girls day/night out. I texted him around 3 about confirmations and I only heard from him after two hours. He said he couldn't make it and was very sorry. Since my hands weren't free, my gf helped me text by asking him what happened, to which he replied with the grandma excuse. At this point I didn't think too much on it, upset maybe, but not suspicious. On the other hand, my girlfriend being the alpha female that she was, decided to invite him out for New Years. He said he wasn't sure as his friends hadn't gotten back to him yet. He asked where I was going and I told him the city. His texts are so flamboyant, with exclamation marks and sentences like " that sounds awesome!" or " That sounds like it would be fun!". I got annoyed at this point so I told him my battery was dying and for him to get back to me when he decided. I placed the ball on his court because I was tired of asking him and getting runaround answers.
TigerCub Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I am trying to trust my gut even after my girlfriend told me not to be " that" girl ( the girl that mistrusts a guy so much, she starts snooping around for answers). To elaborate, I was spending the day with my girlfriend, getting my hair done- a typical girls day/night out. I texted him around 3 about confirmations and I only heard from him after two hours. He said he couldn't make it and was very sorry. Since my hands weren't free, my gf helped me text by asking him what happened, to which he replied with the grandma excuse. At this point I didn't think too much on it, upset maybe, but not suspicious. On the other hand, my girlfriend being the alpha female that she was, decided to invite him out for New Years. He said he wasn't sure as his friends hadn't gotten back to him yet. He asked where I was going and I told him the city. His texts are so flamboyant, with exclamation marks and sentences like " that sounds awesome!" or " That sounds like it would be fun!". I got annoyed at this point so I told him my battery was dying and for him to get back to me when he decided. I placed the ball on his court because I was tired of asking him and getting runaround answers. I know what you're saying about not wanting to be the suspicious girl - I get that, and its good that you're trying not to be. However, what I would find more upsetting than any excuse is the fact that he didn't even bother calling you and telling you that the date was off - he waited till you got in touch with him to tell you the date wasn't gonna happen. It's just basic decency to let a person know you're cancelling a date with them - he doesn't even have that! To me, I find that more of an issue. Ok, so now your friend invited him (which is totally uncool on her part, btw) - ok he pretty much said its so awesome and yet said that he doesn't know he'll be there - again, not committing to anything = not very interested. I'm sorry. But I think your plan to just leave it until he decides to come to you is a good plan - see what he does, but definitely no more initiation from you. Have an awesome time at the New years party (with or without him)
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