SpiralOut Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 There have been several men showing interest in me within the past year (after I become single again). I don't feel attracted to them. There are a few I am interested in romantically, but I can't have them. The ones who ask me out just aren't my type. There are three I am interested in. The first, I cannot have because I work with him. I've posted about him on here already and the general consensus is that he is just not into me. I have accepted this and have no intention of pursuing anything. However, my feelings haven't completely gone away. He talks to me more than he talks to anyone else in our department. Two people have pointed this out to me. It probably doesn't mean much aside from the fact that he just likes talking to me, but now that people are commenting on it, it makes me sort of wonder. I feel like we have a bit of a dysfunctional relationship going on. He has been attempting to become friends with me again (eg. getting all excited about lending me a book that he knew I was planning to borrow from someone else, but he insisted on lending me his instead). At the same time, we've been getting into fights lately. Most of them have been work-related spats that everyone has sometimes, but the most recent one was a personal one that we both took seriously and straight up told each other why we were pissed off at each other. Even though we rarely talk outside of work, I feel as though there is something more than a normal friendly-coworker relationship going on. But he's dating someone, so I know he's not pursuing me. Something feels weird though. Correct me if I'm wrong. The second man I like is someone I was involved with years ago but we broke up due to long distance. This was the most normal, healthy relationship I have ever managed to have with anyone. There is a part of me that is still in love with him. We are both single now, and there is a possibility that we will meet up in the new year. But, anything that happens won't work out of course because we live far apart. The third man I'm interested in is perhaps the most complicated. We have known each other 7 years now and spent most of that time as f*ck buddies. During my 2 year relationship with the most recent boyfriend, I stopped speakign to this man because he is someone I can never be "just" friends with. After I became single, we met up again a couple of times. It felt different. We are connecting more emotionally, as friends. He also said some things that indicated he was interested in spending time with me out in public and not just at my apartment, which surprised me. We've been chatting through email which we never used to do. He travels a lot, so any relationship we were to have would be difficult. I don't see him very often. I'm curious to see how things progress with him next time we meet up. I should probably mention the only two serious relationships I've had (not counting the long distance one) were passionless. They were men that I loved but was not IN love with. There was a lack of sexual chemistry as well. As far as I'm concerned, I have never had a "real" relationship. I'm starting to wonder if I do this to myself subconciously. I fall for men I can't have. I settle for the ones that I enjoy having as friends, even if there is no sexual compatability or if I just don't fall in love with them. I do say no to the ones who don't interest me at all, so I guess I"m not completely hopeless. So why do I do this? My strategy right now is to stay single until I've gotten my head on straight. I know this is long and rambling. I guess mostly I am trying to sort out my thoughts. I'm open to any opinions or suggestions.
smudge21 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Seems very familiar. I too generally get more attracted to girls I think I can't have. Those that are more of a challenge. Often this only leads one way, where I end up alone. Yet when someone comes along who shows interest in me, I tend to not show that same level of interest. It's very weird and like you, I've questioned myself over it as in the past it has meant I've lost some very good relationships and wasted so much time chasing fantasies. Maybe you should discuss it over with a professional, someone who's seen it all and has the correct advice to give. You may find it's something from your childhood, something to do with how you were with your father or mother. I know for me that my parents splitting up when I was just entering my teens that definitely affected my viewpoint on committed relationships. I often get a kind of fear that by committing myself to someone, I run the risk of hurting them, therefore I back off - I in theory become my own self fulfilling prophecy: I think the relationship is doomed so I end it, thus dooming it. All very deep and a bit weird. My current situation and the reason I'm here is a perfect example. She was out of my league so I didn't show her that interest, which in turn made her chase me (a bit of wanting what you can't have from her too). By the time we hooked up, I'd got to know her very well and so feelings just came slowly and more stronger. When it ended very suddenly, it made me want her more and that just increased every single day. Despite all the red flags surrounding her past relationships I still put more effort into being with her then I have with anyone previously, even those that were clearly better for me. That's pretty screwed up!
Scottdmw Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I would say that if you have a “f***buddy”, you are making it a lot harder for yourself to find a real relationship. The rational part of your brain can distinguish the difference, but your emotions not so well. To them, the f***buddy is your boyfriend and your heart is going to remain fairly attached to him. No matter how much you tell yourself it's just physical and you're not going to get attached, that's not the way human sexuality works. I would say if you are serious about finding a real relationship, your best bet is to never have contact with the f***buddy guy. It's very unlikely he will actually have a relationship with you at this point, and as long as he is around you are less likely to be attracted to someone else. Scott
betterdeal Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 As far as I'm concerned, I have never had a "real" relationship. They're all real; just not real good There is something liberating about longing for something you can't have. Maybe because you don't have to actually deal with actually having it. But, from what you say, it sounds like you create barriers for yourself. These are like inverted boundaries, which draw you to the other side, constantly. That suggests to me internal conflict, a lack of surety of where you end and the rest of us begin. But another way to look at it is, maybe you're just not into all the fuss and tension that comes with an actual, conventional relationship. Maybe you like to take things slower, less rigid, for them to be more organic, to grow like acorns into great oaks rather than a daffodil's splash of colour only to wilt before spring is out. A man you share interests with, and through those interests spend more and more time with, for feelings to grow that way, would be more your thing. Or, maybe, all the top talent is generally more desirable and therefore more likely to be currently engaged in something with someone else. Or gay. And so that which you desire is unavailable because it is desirable, not you desire it because it's unavailable. Yet another way to look at it is, maybe you're enjoying being single, but when on a diet we all still like to look in the fridge. There are many ways to see this and muse the whys and wherefores, and there is possibly a slither of truth in all of them. The million dollar question is, as ever, what do you want to do?
norajane Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I'm starting to wonder if I do this to myself subconciously. I fall for men I can't have. I settle for the ones that I enjoy having as friends, even if there is no sexual compatability or if I just don't fall in love with them. I do say no to the ones who don't interest me at all, so I guess I"m not completely hopeless. So why do I do this? I used to do that. I would never be interested in the relationship-minded men who were interested in me...not my type, or boring, or just didn't feel anything. And I'd always be interested in men who were, one way or another, inappropriate: geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, married, work/job complications, etc. What I eventually realized is that I have intimacy issues, and that subconsciously made me attracted to men who would never require me to get over my issues and be truly emotionally intimate with them. And would subconsciously make me unattracted to the guys who would want and could offer a real relationship with true emotional intimacy. That way, I'd stay "safe" and still have a "relationship" of sorts with inappropriate guys that deep down I knew would never work out. I don't know if that's your issue, but it's worth thinking about and looking into. Your mind can really play tricks on you!
PlumPrincess Posted January 4, 2012 Posted January 4, 2012 I used to do that. I would never be interested in the relationship-minded men who were interested in me...not my type, or boring, or just didn't feel anything. And I'd always be interested in men who were, one way or another, inappropriate: geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, married, work/job complications, etc. What I eventually realized is that I have intimacy issues, and that subconsciously made me attracted to men who would never require me to get over my issues and be truly emotionally intimate with them. And would subconsciously make me unattracted to the guys who would want and could offer a real relationship with true emotional intimacy. That way, I'd stay "safe" and still have a "relationship" of sorts with inappropriate guys that deep down I knew would never work out. I don't know if that's your issue, but it's worth thinking about and looking into. Your mind can really play tricks on you! I think I have exactly the same problem... What did you do to resolve this issue?
FitChick Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 Eliminate your beliefs about yourself and relationships, i.e. I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm worthless, I don't deserve to be loved. Whatever resonates. Google The Lefkoe Method and watch some youtubes. It's the quickest and least painless type of therapy I've ever tried and it works.
norajane Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) I think I have exactly the same problem... What did you do to resolve this issue? As FitChick says, I had to change the way I thought about myself. And I had to start changing my behavior by recognizing my pattern and saying no to it. If I recognize I have issues, and really want to get over myself so that I could have a good relationship one day, I had to say no to the stuff that wasn't bringing me closer to a relationship. I wasn't sure I'd ever resolve anything, but I knew I could avoid getting into relationships with inappropriate men by stopping them before they start. It is a choice - you can stay away even if you have interest. You just have to do it early on in the flirtation. So all that saying no meant I wasn't dating for a while, which turned out to be a good thing as it gave me a breather to get my head together. I concentrated on other parts of my life. I became comfortable with myself and what I wanted out of life- that changed my thinking. And those guys who had never been interesting before became more interesting to me. Edited January 5, 2012 by norajane
PlumPrincess Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 As FitChick says, I had to change the way I thought about myself. And I had to start changing my behavior by recognizing my pattern and saying no to it. If I recognize I have issues, and really want to get over myself so that I could have a good relationship one day, I had to say no to the stuff that wasn't bringing me closer to a relationship. I wasn't sure I'd ever resolve anything, but I knew I could avoid getting into relationships with inappropriate men by stopping them before they start. It is a choice - you can stay away even if you have interest. You just have to do it early on in the flirtation. So all that saying no meant I wasn't dating for a while, which turned out to be a good thing as it gave me a breather to get my head together. I concentrated on other parts of my life. I became comfortable with myself and what I wanted out of life- that changed my thinking. And those guys who had never been interesting before became more interesting to me. Ok. Thanks for the answer. I'm also trying to be more aware of what I do and to make conscious choices in my behavior instead of going on autopilot.
Recommended Posts