Waitress Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I did not realize that I had gotten myself into an emotional affair until I posted on one of the other boards the other day and that was pointed out to me. They were right. I was naive and just did not see things for what they are. Him and I had a really intense phone conversation the other night about our feelings. I told him then that I thought our relationship was inappropriate. He disagreed. The intense part of the conversation started because he told me that there is tension between him and his wife whenever my name comes up. That triggered something for me. I had thought our being close was innocent. But maybe he is giving some signals to the contrary or his wife would not be bothered. She wants him to dump me but he says he won't. Like I said, I thought we were just close friends and his wife did not have a problem with that. I don't want to cause anyone pain so I want to end the friendship. But we live really close, are likely to run into each other and I am (ironically) feeling guilty about potentially hurting him. But that part I will deal with since long term it is better this way. In your experience how do these things typically play out? What is best?
YellowShark Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 You did the right thing. Blackholed him and respected his wife's life and emotions. He is trolling for sex outside his marriage and is willing to throw the people closest to him -(his wife)- under a bus to get his dick wet. He's a sick unhealthy dude who would only be cheating on you if the roles were reversed. See him for what he is and don't be afraid of him. Instead look at him like the cheating, backstabbing garbage he really is regardless of his emotional con job on you. Good luck.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I'm sure that since you are an adult woman, you can figure out how not to engage with this man any more. I read your other thread; you have not known him very long and really cannot be that "close." You don't need to do or say anything. Just quit hanging out and talking with him. Just be polite, and always on your way somewhere if you run into him. Putting the total kibosh on the "friendship" immediately is what is best. You owe him nothing; anyway, according to this post you've already told him your position on things. I hope you use a little better judgement about future new friendships you're starting up.
Author Waitress Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Thanks Yellow Shark and Mme. Chaucer. Yes, we have only known each other a year. Mme. Chaucer, I like your idea of always being busy when I hear from him or run into him. I really don't think he considers our friendship over. He pretty much ignored all the things I said to indicate that. Believe me, this has really hurt me already and I don't intend to let it happen again! And, Yellow Shark, I will stop feeling badly for him.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 One thing you could do is to send a sincere letter of apology to his wife and assure her you saw nothing but a platonic relationship in your knowing him, but that obviously you were mistaken. Advise her your intentions were completely open and honest, but you feel he has read too much into this liaison. you have no intention of creating or causing disharmony, and appreciate her concern. you respect her too much to make her feel you are encroaching on dangerous territory, and intend to distance yourself completely from his attention. wish her nothing but the best. One thing I could add, but you would have to consider the wisdom of including this in the letter (If ever you see fit to send it at all, which you might not....) is that if he is intent on straying, there is already a problem in their relationship, and if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. If he has roving eyes and roaming hands - there's already a problem. She may just be deflecting it on to you, because you're conveniently there....
YellowShark Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) Thanks Yellow Shark and Mme. Chaucer. Yes, we have only known each other a year. Mme. Chaucer, I like your idea of always being busy when I hear from him or run into him. I really don't think he considers our friendship over. He pretty much ignored all the things I said to indicate that. Believe me, this has really hurt me already and I don't intend to let it happen again! And, Yellow Shark, I will stop feeling badly for him. Absolutely. Don't feel bad for him at all, feel bad for his wife who he is throwing under a bus to get into your pants, and whom he refuses her wishes to cool his jets with you. He would only be doing the same thing to you if the roles were reversed. Not the type of guy I would invest any time into or care about. Don't give him any power in your life. Keep the power in your court and if he engages you say "I'm sorry, but I respect your wife and marriage.. unlike you.. so it's best we don't talk any more." He'll obviously not like that very much, be prepared, since it totally takes the wind out of his sexual fantasy with you. ETA: If you reject him watch how he lashes out at you.. like a three year old who's toy gets taken away. Promise. Edited December 27, 2011 by YellowShark
Author Waitress Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 One thing you could do is to send a sincere letter of apology to his wife and assure her you saw nothing but a platonic relationship in your knowing him, but that obviously you were mistaken. Advise her your intentions were completely open and honest, but you feel he has read too much into this liaison. you have no intention of creating or causing disharmony, and appreciate her concern. you respect her too much to make her feel you are encroaching on dangerous territory, and intend to distance yourself completely from his attention. wish her nothing but the best. One thing I could add, but you would have to consider the wisdom of including this in the letter (If ever you see fit to send it at all, which you might not....) is that if he is intent on straying, there is already a problem in their relationship, and if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. If he has roving eyes and roaming hands - there's already a problem. She may just be deflecting it on to you, because you're conveniently there.... Thanks Tara. I don't really feel comfortable communicating with his wife. In my experience, the road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions. Last time I tried something like that with a guy who tried to sleep with me in spite of living with someone I was vilified. I ended up on the receiving end of several scathing messages from family members. It was horrible. I have come to believe that this guy is using me as a coping device. There are likely big problems in his marriage and I give him a fix of relief and backbone. Oh well, onwards... Thanks again!!
Author Waitress Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Absolutely. Don't feel bad for him at all, feel bad for his wife who he is throwing under a bus to get into your pants, and whom he refuses her wishes to cool his jets with you. He would only be doing the same thing to you if the roles were reversed. Not the type of guy I would invest any time into or care about. Don't give him any power in your life. Keep the power in your court and if he engages you say "I'm sorry, but I respect your wife and marriage.. unlike you.. so it's best we don't talk any more." He'll obviously not like that very much, be prepared, since it totally takes the wind out of his sexual fantasy with you. ETA: If you reject him watch how he lashes out at you.. like a three year old who's toy gets taken away. Promise. Thanks for the support, YellowShark. I'm not sure why sharks have such a bad rep! I am going to make myself busy when he tries to be in touch. And if he wants to talk about it I think I will say what you suggest, that I respect his marriage too much. It is a horrible feeling to know that his wife wants him to get rid of our friendship. Thanks again, YS.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Keep in mind that it's highly inappropriate for him to be sharing ANY of the things he talks about with his wife with you - including what she thinks of your friendship. I hope you can just let this disintegrate with no more involvement on your part. You don't need a friend like that!
Author Waitress Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Keep in mind that it's highly inappropriate for him to be sharing ANY of the things he talks about with his wife with you - including what she thinks of your friendship. I hope you can just let this disintegrate with no more involvement on your part. You don't need a friend like that! Thanks Mme. Chaucer. If I were his wife, I definitely would not want him to talk to me the way he does. Not that it's sexual, but it is too personal, for sure. And I hope it will just disintegrate. Definitely. Thanks again.
Owl Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 So you've taken active measures to end the "friendship", make it clear to him that it's over completely and totally, and steps to block him from contacting you via phone/IM/etc...? Anything less, and the drama will continue. Spell it out clearly for him...if he balks, make it clear to him that if he does attempt to continue this emotional affair...you'll simply pass any of his attempts to contact you back to his wife. Seriously...if you don't take that kind of stance, he'll simply continue to contact you...and/or you'll cave in a moment of weakness and find yourself back in the mix again.
MissBee Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) I did not realize that I had gotten myself into an emotional affair until I posted on one of the other boards the other day and that was pointed out to me. They were right. I was naive and just did not see things for what they are. Him and I had a really intense phone conversation the other night about our feelings. I told him then that I thought our relationship was inappropriate. He disagreed. The intense part of the conversation started because he told me that there is tension between him and his wife whenever my name comes up. That triggered something for me. I had thought our being close was innocent. But maybe he is giving some signals to the contrary or his wife would not be bothered. She wants him to dump me but he says he won't. Like I said, I thought we were just close friends and his wife did not have a problem with that. I don't want to cause anyone pain so I want to end the friendship. But we live really close, are likely to run into each other and I am (ironically) feeling guilty about potentially hurting him. But that part I will deal with since long term it is better this way. In your experience how do these things typically play out? What is best? I think your decision is wise and responsible for all involved. I do believe men and women can be "just friends", but I also believe it is easy for a close opposite sex friendship to turn into something more if parties aren't clear on boundaries. After all, a relationship is a friendship but with romance and sex added. My own standard is that I give male friends reasonable distance when they have a significant other. I am conscious of not calling or texting at late hours, hanging out alone a lot and sharing deeply intimate things. None of my male friends are married, but even more so, if they were - I'd be sure not to give their wives anything to be suspicious about or seem disrespectful and I would not put myself in positions for it to cross the line. You have to be conscientious and play that friend game wisely to be above reproach. Too many people don't then end up in As with their friend then say, "it just happened naturally", "I didn't plan this". You didn't plan it yes, but you didn't plan for it not to occur either. That's the difference. You did not seek it out but did not consider how to not make it happen. That makes all the difference. Be honest with yourself as well, if you're attracted to your friend as well....then you have to be even more careful not to do things to create an environment for an A. Bottom line: if your friend is doing things to make their SO suspicious of the friendship....pull back. Don't give that person a reason to be upset at you. Consider if you were his wife and your husband was doing what you guys do....would it bother you? She may or may not have a reason, but the point is....I never want to be the cause of tension and I'd pull back so it doesn't become an EA and so that you don't end up in drama or what normally happens, you get hurt- and you'll STILL lose the friendship anyway! Might as well pull back now and there may be a chance that you can have an appropriate friendship later.....or stick around and it turns into something you didn't ask for and you still lose the friendship and some dignity on top of it. Good luck! Edited December 28, 2011 by MissBee
MissBee Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Thanks Tara. I don't really feel comfortable communicating with his wife. In my experience, the road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions. Last time I tried something like that with a guy who tried to sleep with me in spite of living with someone I was vilified. I ended up on the receiving end of several scathing messages from family members. It was horrible. I have come to believe that this guy is using me as a coping device. There are likely big problems in his marriage and I give him a fix of relief and backbone. Oh well, onwards... Thanks again!! Great for you Waitress! You have a good head on you and are realizing it for what it most likely is. Too many women run off into fantasy land and start believing that they and the MM have a close connection and are soulmates, meant to be, hence this new found intimacy and then they end up in a full on A...then go down that entire rabbit hole...then often end up being strung along or hurt and upset when they get discarded, as it was NOT love or a soul mate connection but a distraction from this person's marriage...but ultimately the person has no plans of actually not being married...they just sought comfort elsewhere at their expense.
Author Waitress Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks Owl and MissBee! You guys are so insightful and supportive. It is wonderful to find such kind people. I know that people here just want to help save others from some pain. One thing I am finding from reading through the posts is that feeling you are the exception to the rule IS the rule. (I think someone on one of the LS boards wrote just that actually.) Yes, I felt the amazing connection and thought there was something special. I did let myself get carried away. I was completely disconnected from what my sense of reality is. And in a little dream la-la land. Fortunately, I am now awake. And I think I am stronger for recognizing what happened before it went really too far. I cannot say what effect this might already have had on his marriage. I hope it is not really bad. But, I also suspect if he has been disrespectful to his wife with regards to me that he has also disrespected her in other ways. Now that I have had time to think about it, the "nice guy" I thought I was bonding with isn't really so upstanding and principled. And not just with regard to his marriage. These things are never isolated. It's not like "oh, he disrespects his marriage but is highly principled in every other way." Thanks again everyone for giving me such great advice and support as I look within and reaffirm my boundaries.
MissBee Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) Thanks Owl and MissBee! You guys are so insightful and supportive. It is wonderful to find such kind people. I know that people here just want to help save others from some pain. One thing I am finding from reading through the posts is that feeling you are the exception to the rule IS the rule. (I think someone on one of the LS boards wrote just that actually.) Yes, I felt the amazing connection and thought there was something special. I did let myself get carried away. I was completely disconnected from what my sense of reality is. And in a little dream la-la land. Fortunately, I am now awake. And I think I am stronger for recognizing what happened before it went really too far. I cannot say what effect this might already have had on his marriage. I hope it is not really bad. But, I also suspect if he has been disrespectful to his wife with regards to me that he has also disrespected her in other ways. Now that I have had time to think about it, the "nice guy" I thought I was bonding with isn't really so upstanding and principled. And not just with regard to his marriage. These things are never isolated. It's not like "oh, he disrespects his marriage but is highly principled in every other way." Thanks again everyone for giving me such great advice and support as I look within and reaffirm my boundaries. I am really learning that lesson now with my former AP. He recently showed up in my life again. He wasn't married, but had a long term gf whom he had a child with. Things ended a long time ago and he disappeared then resurfaced to apologize and pretty much I decided to see the good in him. In terms of, that was a mistake he made, an isolated incident because of our special connection...blah blah. Now I am older, wiser and more self aware and am realizing that he is full of shyt! After a year of NC and me moving on, he returned in '09 to apologize for disappearing etc. Since then we had been in sporadic contact. Just casually. The past 2 months however, he has returned more frequently and has been casually speaking to me, through frequent messages on the phone's messenger system and I thought nothing of it. He then got very flirty...and I assumed okay there is no way he has a gf anymore...as WHY would he do the SAME thing twice that he seemed to learn from. I figured we'd always have a bit of chemistry so it's normal but when it got more and more blatant I went to assuming well maybe he is single, especially since in the last couple years he seemed to avoid speaking to me except on holidays...which seemed as if he had a relationship he was trying to respect by setting up that boundary. So the other day I finally decided to ask him out right, I hesitated because on one hand I don't care as I am not interested in him and didn't want him to think I was asking because I was lol, but on the other I really wanted to know to assess the situation. I asked and he had the gall to casually say "Yea" he does have a gf...wow...I was speechless! All my ideas about him transformed and I realized smh....wow....you're just honestly a loser. I thought highly of you before and did believe that what happened was in isolation and you were otherwise principled...but you aren't! I have no idea if his gf is the same one from before or a new person...but in an any case he has a serious problem and funnily, years ago I had wanted to be the "legitimate gf"...now I THANK God I'm not and feel bad for who is. I'm seeing for myself how he is actually no different than many MM on LS and that he feels like nothing is wrong with his actions and I dunno...he seems completely slimy and gross to me and not how I used to think of him. Never thought that that would happen...but thankfully it has and confirms the notion that 9/10 times it is not you being special or some unique stars aligning in love...but that person has a problem...and so do you for entertaining them. Edited December 29, 2011 by MissBee
Author Waitress Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 I am really learning that lesson now with my former AP. He recently showed up in my life again. He wasn't married, but had a long term gf whom he had a child with. Things ended a long time ago and he disappeared then resurfaced to apologize and pretty much I decided to see the good in him. In terms of, that was a mistake he made, an isolated incident because of our special connection...blah blah. Now I am older, wiser and more self aware and am realizing that he is full of shyt! After a year of NC and me moving on, he returned in '09 to apologize for disappearing etc. Since then we had been in sporadic contact. Just casually. The past 2 months however, he has returned more frequently and has been casually speaking to me, through frequent messages on the phone's messenger system and I thought nothing of it. He then got very flirty...and I assumed okay there is no way he has a gf anymore...as WHY would he do the SAME thing twice that he seemed to learn from. I figured we'd always have a bit of chemistry so it's normal but when it got more and more blatant I went to assuming well maybe he is single, especially since in the last couple years he seemed to avoid speaking to me except on holidays...which seemed as if he had a relationship he was trying to respect by setting up that boundary. So the other day I finally decided to ask him out right, I hesitated because on one hand I don't care as I am not interested in him and didn't want him to think I was asking because I was lol, but on the other I really wanted to know to assess the situation. I asked and he had the gall to casually say "Yea" he does have a gf...wow...I was speechless! All my ideas about him transformed and I realized smh....wow....you're just honestly a loser. I thought highly of you before and did believe that what happened was in isolation and you were otherwise principled...but you aren't! I have no idea if his gf is the same one from before or a new person...but in an any case he has a serious problem and funnily, years ago I had wanted to be the "legitimate gf"...now I THANK God I'm not and feel bad for who is. I'm seeing for myself how he is actually no different than many MM on LS and that he feels like nothing is wrong with his actions and I dunno...he seems completely slimy and gross to me and not how I used to think of him. Never thought that that would happen...but thankfully it has and confirms the notion that 9/10 times it is not you being special or some unique stars aligning in love...but that person has a problem...and so do you for entertaining them. Wow, how horrible for you. But, ultimately liberating. And you are so right. Feel sorry for the "legit" gf. You at least have the chance for a rich and fulfilling life with someone caring and responsible. She does not at long as she is with him. Your story is so familiar. Something similar happened with me. Not a MM but a guy I had once dated who showed up again. He was living with someone but just couldn't resist me. I think there is only one book about this type of thing. Here is something I found on the Internet a while back that I think says it all for me. I am on Chapter 3 now. --- Life in Five Short Chapters Chapter One: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost…I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter Two: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place. It isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter Three: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is still there. I still fall in…it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter Four: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I WALK AROUND IT. Chapter Five: I walk down another street.
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