I ****ed up

[sadbh]

Things had been going really well between my ex and I for the past 2 weeks or so. We started talking regularly, met up for coffee once or twice and generally started getting our friendship back on track. I say friendship because right now we both know thats all we will be as he thinks he wants to be apart but isnt sure and I cant let myself fall into a relationship with him after he broke my heart so badly.

Then I made the mistake of having sex with him...

 

I thought I'd be able to handle it as a 'casual thing' and honestly partly believed that getting that close would make him closer to being 100% sure about what he wants (which seemed to be heading in the direction of being together, something I really want).

Since then we've been in contact a bit less and hes been a bit distant. But at the same when we do talk/meet up (which HE initiates) he behaves the same as he did before and says the same things like 'i miss this' or 'i find it so hard being without you'.

Despite these things he says I feel him slipping away again. Its hard to explain exactly how but I feel it.

 

So what do I do? I really want him back but I want him to 100% want me too. If I stop all this he'll just move on eventually and I really dont want that. I absolutely refuse NC but how should I behave? What should I say or do? I'd really appreciate some help

[chados]

Things had been going really well between my ex and I for the past 2 weeks or so. We started talking regularly, met up for coffee once or twice and generally started getting our friendship back on track. I say friendship because right now we both know thats all we will be as he thinks he wants to be apart but isnt sure and I cant let myself fall into a relationship with him after he broke my heart so badly.

Then I made the mistake of having sex with him...

 

I thought I'd be able to handle it as a 'casual thing' and honestly partly believed that getting that close would make him closer to being 100% sure about what he wants (which seemed to be heading in the direction of being together, something I really want).

Since then we've been in contact a bit less and hes been a bit distant. But at the same when we do talk/meet up (which HE initiates) he behaves the same as he did before and says the same things like 'i miss this' or 'i find it so hard being without you'.

Despite these things he says I feel him slipping away again. Its hard to explain exactly how but I feel it.

 

So what do I do? I really want him back but I want him to 100% want me too. If I stop all this he'll just move on eventually and I really dont want that. I absolutely refuse NC but how should I behave? What should I say or do? I'd really appreciate some help

 

 

if you refuse NC, let him initiate contact, let him work for you. theres nothing worse then trying to force someone back. so just relax

[sadbh]

But thats just the thing. We talk when HE wants, when HE feels like it.

So how do I show him that Im upset without going NC?

[M2155]

You stop being so available. Sometimes miss his call, be out with friends, turn him down. He knows he can have you whenever he wants, he's going to do just enough to keep it that way. Challenge keeps things interesting. Like Chados said, make him work for you.

[chados]

You stop being so available. Sometimes miss his call, be out with friends, turn him down. He knows he can have you whenever he wants, he's going to do just enough to keep it that way. Challenge keeps things interesting. Like Chados said, make him work for you.

 

 

yeah and be careful here.. theres always something wrong when someone acts like this. so dont give him the upper hand

[lalalandman]

You stop being so available. Sometimes miss his call, be out with friends, turn him down. He knows he can have you whenever he wants, he's going to do just enough to keep it that way. Challenge keeps things interesting. Like Chados said, make him work for you.

 

I keep hearing this same advice. Easier said than done, but give it a shot. If you have this idea that you might lose him if you aren't available when he wants you, then there's a problem. It takes willpower choosing to be unavailable to him, so you'll have to make the effort. It's not game playing at all. It's a matter of attraction.

[Philosoraptor]

While I agree that you want someone to prove their emotional maturity, you do not want to let this become a game. Intentionally missing calls or being sneaky in any way is not going to lead to any sort of happy future. Could you be happy with someone who made a commitment not based on them figuring things out, but because you wern't as available for awhile?

 

Unless someone can prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have grown up emotionally and can handle the relationship... I surely wouldn't expect much from it. Odds are the same issues will come up and the same thing will result from it.

[M2155]

Ideally it's not you playing any games, it's you not putting that person first. I mean, actually live your life and enjoy friends and hobbies- if you're too busy doing whatever it is you enjoy doing or hanging out with other people. You don't have to stop what you are doing to answer or you can give a cheerful "I can't wait to see you but..." Flirt!

 

Please don't think I'd advocating any sneakiness or silliness, the point is you don't always be around whenever it happens to be convenient for him. Make him meet you on your terms sometimes. Just being there ready and waiting is not attractive.

 

And the "casual thing"...not a good idea. He might be content with that and have no reason to pursue more. If you are not content with that, don't let it happen again (but be playful about it). If he thinks he's "got you" telling him you are want to wait until you decide to commit is a telling way to know if he's for real. He'll test you though.