Men with a lot of female friends

[appletini]

Would love to hear from either men who have an inordinate number of platonic female friends, or women who date men that do.

 

The guy I'm seeing hangs out with a TON of girls (he's 24, if that's relevant). I'd say there's a 2:1 ratio of close female to male friends in his life, and although we didn't go to college together, my understanding is that this was the case then, too. To be honest, before we started dating I - and some of our mutual friends - thought he was gay for this reason. While he is a harmless flirt and is very social overall, he's not a player and is in fact very conservative when it comes to sex and the number of people he sleeps with.

 

To be clear, my question doesn't stem from jealousy... I've met most of these girls, and they're extremely welcoming toward me; many have boyfriends themselves. They'll flirt with him a little bit but it's very tongue-in-cheek and he makes it very clear that we're together (and they've said that he's talked about me a lot in my absence). So I'm not worried about that.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what it says about his personality as a whole... any thoughts?

 

[EDIT] Bit of further information: he's very intellectual - not "nerdy" (although I do love nerds ), but into politics, travel, discussing social issues, etc. He works in a very male-dominated field, although it seems like his work friends are primarily female. He's into lots of stereotypical dude stuff too... sports, beer, working out... so it's not like he doesn't share interests with other men.

Edited December 27, 2011 by appletini

[lululucy]

My boyfriend is the same way. He has three really close male friends and then the rest of his closest friends are female. Before he and I met, he said he "dated a lot but got bored of girls within two months or so", something I'd probably consider player-esque -- but when he's with someone, he won't see anyone else. He's a really kind, considerate guy who goes out of his way to help out anyone he cares about. He and his close female friends have never dated and while I know one of them has feelings for him, I can't exactly fault her because he's incredible (both to look at and in his personality). I've wondered the same thing as you, although I have to say I have not been devoid of jealousy. Sorry I don't have many answers for you

[ditzchic]

I've dated quite a few guys with more female friends than male friends and in my experience they are either narcissists who like to keep orbiters around or they are the orbiter who's been friend zoned a lot. Either way, I think they tend to be a bit on the insecure side.

 

I try not to judge too much on the male:female friend ratio when I first meet a guy I'm interested in but so far that theory has proven true in my experiences. And I'm a female that actively tries to avoid having male friends so it turns out I'm not really compatible with the guys that keep lots of female friends. But to each their own. It's whatever wworks best for you.

[appletini]

Thanks lulucy, yeah, got a similar story from him. He's dated a fair amount outside of his group of friends, and he has had his share of girlfriends (usually short relationships)... I do actually know one of his exes from a long time ago (there's no tension there, between them or between us), and she's made it clear that he was very good to her/never cheated, they just went separate ways. She lives on the other side of the country now anyway.

[appletini]

I've dated quite a few guys with more female friends than male friends and in my experience they are either narcissists who like to keep orbiters around or they are the orbiter who's been friend zoned a lot. Either way, I think they tend to be a bit on the insecure side.

 

I try not to judge too much on the male:female friend ratio when I first meet a guy I'm interested in but so far that theory has proven true in my experiences. And I'm a female that actively tries to avoid having male friends so it turns out I'm not really compatible with the guys that keep lots of female friends. But to each their own. It's whatever wworks best for you.

 

ditzchic, just curious why you think the latter type gets friend zoned a lot? Particularly if they're attractive, have a normal social life, etc.?

[Emilia]

I think it's quite common nowdays, I dated one guy like this but I never had reasons to doubt his love and commitment to me so I didn't give it much thought. I'm 39 but I have noticed this trend in the younger generations and just assume it's normal nowdays.

[ditzchic]

ditzchic, just curious why you think the latter type gets friend zoned a lot? Particularly if they're attractive, have a normal social life, etc.?

 

I think it has to do with insecurities and general personality types. We tend to keep friends who share the same qualities and similar interests and personalities as our own. A man who is friends with lots of females has more "feminine" personality traits than a man's man. Most women like to date "men". Sure we all want a sweet emotional guy but when it comes down to it we want a guy that will make us feel secure and safe. A smart, attractive guy with more feminine qualities can get dates but they often have trouble getting past the first couple of months because most women just don't see them as stable relationship material.

 

That's my take on it at least.

 

Of course I also think that changes as we get older. Women in their 30's aren't looking for the same things they were in their 20's. Of course then you have the guys in their 30's that are still looking at women in their 20's for physical reasons... those guys end up screwed in the long run though

[lululucy]

I think it has to do with insecurities and general personality types. We tend to keep friends who share the same qualities and similar interests and personalities as our own. A man who is friends with lots of females has more "feminine" personality traits than a man's man. Most women like to date "men". Sure we all want a sweet emotional guy but when it comes down to it we want a guy that will make us feel secure and safe. A smart, attractive guy with more feminine qualities can get dates but they often have trouble getting past the first couple of months because most women just don't see them as stable relationship material.

 

That's interesting to me because Z, while sweet with me, is definitely not feminine or emotional. It's been a struggle to get him to open up about certain things in his life (I started a thread on it not long ago). I think Z is different than those kind of guys, although I do have one really, really good male friend who fits that bill entirely. Luckily for him, he's started dating one of his other really close friends and they're amazingly happy and in love. He certainly didn't find anyone to date between his two serious relationships though.

[grkBoy]

I have a lot of female friends. I think where this came from both the factor of how catty women can get with one another...thus these females found a better kinship with me as opposed to their fellow females. Usual case of women who didn't get along with other women.

 

For the man though, including me, we also run into the issue of guys constantly trying to one-up one another. So you can hang out in the "locker room" where it's a grown-up version of "in crowd" and "out crowd", or find people you can hold a normal conversation with. Believe me, it's amazing how many adult males who went to college still can't or won't talk about issues other than money, "shiny objects", sex, body size, cars, and sports.

 

You mention politics or social issues and they see it as an excuse to make fun of you for their own egos. In their world you have to only be about making loads of money, driving the best car, wearing expensive clothes, living the good life, having an athletic body, and getting hot women into bed with little more than a night of drinks...meaning you simply pull her into bed without having to commit or love her.

 

So with all those women ready to backstab one another and all these guys ready to shoot down one another...is it any wonder you get people with loads of friends of the opposite sex?

[ditzchic]

That's interesting to me because Z, while sweet with me, is definitely not feminine or emotional. It's been a struggle to get him to open up about certain things in his life (I started a thread on it not long ago). I think Z is different than those kind of guys, although I do have one really, really good male friend who fits that bill entirely. Luckily for him, he's started dating one of his other really close friends and they're amazingly happy and in love. He certainly didn't find anyone to date between his two serious relationships though.

 

Feminine doesn't mean emotionally available. Hell, I'm one of the most emotionally unavailable people out there. And the reason I am that way is a very feminine reason. I'm way too vulnerable when I'm available. I won't open up until I feel completely safe with someone. That's an uber-feminine quality.

[verhrzn]

Here's my experience with guys who have lots of female friends:

 

1) He's insecure, and either those women want him and he enjoys the ego boost, or he wants them and they've friend-zoned him, so he hangs around with hope

2) He's gay

3) He's a social guy who just happens to have a lot of female friends

 

Honestly, the important fact is not that he has a lot of female friends, but why he does. If it's because he genuinely likes their personalities, and they're who he connected with, then I don't think there's anything to be worried about.

[zengirl]

As long as there's a ratio, meaning he has both male and female friends, I think it's fine. Personally, I find it odd when a man has NO female friends, and I'd find it just as odd if he had NO male friends. As long as the female friends aren't former hookup buddies or exes (being friends with an ex here or there is fine; having a leftover harem is weird), I don't see the difference. My SO's friends are mixed; never counted them, to see the ratio, but he has plenty of female friends. It never worried me.

[lululucy]

Feminine doesn't mean emotionally available. Hell, I'm one of the most emotionally unavailable people out there. And the reason I am that way is a very feminine reason. I'm way too vulnerable when I'm available. I won't open up until I feel completely safe with someone. That's an uber-feminine quality.

 

Oh for sure, I was equating not opening up emotionally with not being overly emotional, not with being feminine. I didn't explain what I meant by not feminine but he's pretty much a guys-guy. He's big into lifting weights, car racing, hockey, gets into a few more fights than most guys I know. Although I disagree about not opening up until you feel completely safe being a feminine quality.

[appletini]

Yeah, he's sort of a mixed bag when it comes to emotional availability. He's very open to a serious relationship, but is not exactly demonstrative when it comes to sharing thoughts and feelings... which is fine by me, as I've been with the uber emotional type too and it was no walk in the park.

 

verhrzn, I'm leaning toward #3 mixed with grkBoy's rationale. Hopefully that's not just wishful thinking.

[cdm369]

I think its more about how you relate to OS friends when you're in a relationship. Also about your life experience and how these situations have affected you. If you date someone that doesn't do well with boundaries or think that being single and in a relationship has the same rules then you will have a hard time with it.

[mtber75]

I think it has to do with insecurities and general personality types. We tend to keep friends who share the same qualities and similar interests and personalities as our own. A man who is friends with lots of females has more "feminine" personality traits than a man's man. Most women like to date "men". Sure we all want a sweet emotional guy but when it comes down to it we want a guy that will make us feel secure and safe. A smart, attractive guy with more feminine qualities can get dates but they often have trouble getting past the first couple of months because most women just don't see them as stable relationship material.

 

That's my take on it at least.

 

Of course I also think that changes as we get older. Women in their 30's aren't looking for the same things they were in their 20's. Of course then you have the guys in their 30's that are still looking at women in their 20's for physical reasons... those guys end up screwed in the long run though

 

 

I think this is true! The guy that has lots of female friends knows how to talk to women at their level. He probably don't relate to guys because he don't like sports or other stuff that guys usually talk about!

[jobaba]

Would love to hear from either men who have an inordinate number of platonic female friends, or women who date men that do.

 

The guy I'm seeing hangs out with a TON of girls (he's 24, if that's relevant). I'd say there's a 2:1 ratio of close female to male friends in his life, and although we didn't go to college together, my understanding is that this was the case then, too. To be honest, before we started dating I - and some of our mutual friends - thought he was gay for this reason. While he is a harmless flirt and is very social overall, he's not a player and is in fact very conservative when it comes to sex and the number of people he sleeps with.

 

To be clear, my question doesn't stem from jealousy... I've met most of these girls, and they're extremely welcoming toward me; many have boyfriends themselves. They'll flirt with him a little bit but it's very tongue-in-cheek and he makes it very clear that we're together (and they've said that he's talked about me a lot in my absence). So I'm not worried about that.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what it says about his personality as a whole... any thoughts?

 

[EDIT] Bit of further information: he's very intellectual - not "nerdy" (although I do love nerds ), but into politics, travel, discussing social issues, etc. He works in a very male-dominated field, although it seems like his work friends are primarily female. He's into lots of stereotypical dude stuff too... sports, beer, working out... so it's not like he doesn't share interests with other men.

 

At your age, it's fine.

 

In 10 years, RED FLAG!

[gaius]

I would imagine he bonded more with his mom than his dad and ended up relating to women better. I don't think he's gay or it's anything to worry about based on what you said.

[lululucy]

I would imagine he bonded more with his mom than his dad and ended up relating to women better. I don't think he's gay or it's anything to worry about based on what you said.

 

WOW I never thought of that. That makes so much sense -- in my case, Z's mom left his dad with his two brothers and it was just him and her most of his life. Mystery solved.

[dasein]

Lots of unwarranted sexism in this thread IMO. Have always had significant numbers of female friends, and it varies over the years. I find them to be no better nor worse than male friends (you can count your real friends on one hand, and if extremely blessed, two hands). Sometimes I've had a flock of women who wanted to date me and for whatever reason, wasn't a good idea, so we settled into friendship. Sometimes, I've had flocks of women I wanted to date, wasn't a good idea, and settled into friendship in exactly the same way. Sometimes things start out platonic and stay that way. Sometimes I have ended up in bed with a platonic friend, and have never lost a friendship or had things get weird due to that. Who knows why your BF has mostly female friends, probably NBD.