joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Hi I'm actually posing this question on behalf of a friend as I'm not sure what advice to give her (and before you ask, I'm not 'the friend' haha). She's been texting and having the occasional telephone chat with a guy for 7 months now and they finally decided to meet up last week, by all accounts it went well, at least according to her, although they both insisted that it wasn't a date. They met for a coffee and the conversation flowed immediately. He sat next to her as opposed to opposite but turned to face her and not the room and from the description, he was sitting in an obvious crotch display position but his upper torso was leaning forward towards her. They teased each other and there were apparently a lot of coy smiles on his part. When they left the coffee shop he asked if she wanted him to walk her to her car, he actually said something along the lines of 'would you like me to walk you to your car or would you be too embarrassed?' and he asked even though it still being daylight and her car was parked just up the road. They hovered around her car and briefly continued to chat then as he was about to leave he said 'come here and give me a hug' then said 'see you soon' (a really ambiguous term). Half way home she realised that she had forgotten to formally thank him for buying the drink so texted when she got home and despite him heading to work from their 'date', he texted back immediately saying it was okay, she could buy the next one! Despite what I thought were good signs and despite the fact that they have texted since, he hasn't suggested they meet again. Now I know from what she has told me that he has been going through a tough time dating wise and is hurting badly so perhaps that is the reason for his reticence or maybe he's just not that interested after all or at least, only interested as friends? She asked me if she should bring it up in conversation but I'm not sure, if she asked to know what he thought then maybe he would back off but then she'd lose his friendship but perhaps he's holding back for fear of being hurt? Any input would be gratefully received. P.s. Important detail I accidentally left out - he was still sitting down when she stood up to put her coat on and as she stretched up he noticed a gap in the side of her jeans (actually it's just the way they fasten) but he pointed it out then leaned forward and was a millimetre or so from poking his finger into the gap to touch the skin at the top of her thigh until she playfully slapped his hand away. Any thoughts?
Emilia Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 If this is how far they got after 7 months I'd say she is wasting her time and she should move on. Whatever his reasons are clearly nothing will come of this. She should back off and focus her energies on someone else
Twos Company Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Big mistake letting it drag out for 7 months before meeting, I've been there and done that and have learned the hard way...if a guy (or girl) isn't willing or able to find a spot in their diary to meet for a quick coffee in all that time, then I;d hazard a guess that their interest was at best minimal and at worse, they were seriously frying other fish all that time. Who cares trying to decider this guys every move on the date...please tell your friend to wake up and have some respect for herself, to move on and feel no obligation whatsoever to this guy. If he asks her out again, he should do it within at least a couple of weeks, and that's being generous...anything else and she is totally wasting her time.
Author joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Thanks for your responses but it has actually been my friend who has been delaying and postponing things. He initially asked to meet her in June but she had something starting to happen with someone else but he has persistently asked her out every month since then until she finally committed to a time last week. They have both been through the mill with the whole dating game and both still licking wounds I think.
TheFinalWord Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Thanks for your responses but it has actually been my friend who has been delaying and postponing things. He initially asked to meet her in June but she had something starting to happen with someone else but he has persistently asked her out every month since then until she finally committed to a time last week. They have both been through the mill with the whole dating game and both still licking wounds I think. Lots of games being played here which is never a good way to start things. If she blew him off for someone else, she should ask herself if she is settling or actually interested? It sounds like she was talking to another guy at the same time, and that didn't work out so now she is falling back on this guy.
Author joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Lots of games being played here which is never a good way to start things. If she blew him off for someone else, she should ask herself if she is settling or actually interested? It sounds like she was talking to another guy at the same time, and that didn't work out so now she is falling back on this guy. No, I assure you, she is not a game player and neither is she settling, I think, from what she said, she really likes him. When they initially first made contact, she was in contact with someone else so didn't think it was fair to start anything. However, things didn't work out with him but in the meantime her and the guy in the OP continued to contact each other weekly as friends and they both seemed happy with situation but she has been badly hurt several times so is cautious about getting involved which is why it's taken her so long to agree to meet him, even if it was 'as friends'. Her problem is that she wants to continue with the friendship so is worried that if she says that she likes him as more than friends he'll run or the hills.
Twos Company Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 In that case maybe she should just let him lead and wait to see if he asks her out again. I would presume he would be asking her as a potential girlfriend and not just as friends so she will be able to tell then.
TheFinalWord Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 No, I assure you, she is not a game player and neither is she settling, I think, from what she said, she really likes him. When they initially first made contact, she was in contact with someone else so didn't think it was fair to start anything. However, things didn't work out with him but in the meantime her and the guy in the OP continued to contact each other weekly as friends and they both seemed happy with situation but she has been badly hurt several times so is cautious about getting involved which is why it's taken her so long to agree to meet him, even if it was 'as friends'. Her problem is that she wants to continue with the friendship so is worried that if she says that she likes him as more than friends he'll run or the hills. If she has been hurt badly and is not healed, it would have been better for her to wait to start dating. Now, she has dated two men and is sending out mixed signals. My suggestion would be for her to determine what she wants and make it clear. Being "cautious" is another word for not interested in a relationship. A relationship means a pledge, a commitment. She is not interested in this and I am certain the guy has picked up on it. Currently, she cannot even describe what she wants from this guy. From what I am reading she wants to be friends, clearly conveys this to him through body language and words, but secretly hopes he will read between the lines and pursue her romantically...in which case she will probably turn him down b/c she does not want to commit. If she cannot figure out what she wants, how is he supposed to figure it out?
Author joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Thanks for your reply. I think she's hoping he will and it's not been quite a week yet since they met so fingers crossed for her!!
Author joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 If she has been hurt badly and is not healed, it would have been better for her to wait to start dating. Now, she has dated two men and is sending out mixed signals. My suggestion would be for her to determine what she wants and make it clear. Being "cautious" is another word for not interested in a relationship. A relationship means a pledge, a commitment. She is not interested in this and I am certain the guy has picked up on it. Currently, she cannot even describe what she wants from this guy. From what I am reading she wants to be friends, clearly conveys this to him through body language and words, but secretly hopes he will read between the lines and pursue her romantically...in which case she will probably turn him down b/c she does not want to commit. If she cannot figure out what she wants, how is he supposed to figure it out? She hasn't dated anyone since June but you're right, she hasn't healed but from what I can gather, neither has he. I would imagine it would be hard for them both, moving things to a romantic level having been friends for this length of time (he confides in her a lot, some of it intimate information regarding health etc, things that you would only tell a partner) and the lines have become blurred. They seem to be hovering between the drawn between friendship and relationship, neither one ready to take that step over it (I imagine from fear of getting hurt). And I think in my friends case, she doesn't want to mention moving things on if that's not what he wants (another rejection). Time will tell I guess!?
TheFinalWord Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 She hasn't dated anyone since June but you're right, she hasn't healed but from what I can gather, neither has he. I would imagine it would be hard for them both, moving things to a romantic level having been friends for this length of time (he confides in her a lot, some of it intimate information regarding health etc, things that you would only tell a partner) and the lines have become blurred. They seem to be hovering between the drawn between friendship and relationship, neither one ready to take that step over it (I imagine from fear of getting hurt). And I think in my friends case, she doesn't want to mention moving things on if that's not what he wants (another rejection). Time will tell I guess!? Yes, if they have friend-zoned each other it can be difficult to change. She can wait for him to make a move but she has to consider that she can either face rejection one time by asking him, or facing constant rejection by having him in her life and it never amount to anything more than friends. Eventually he will move on and get with a girl that is emotionally available and then she will wish she had said something. I told a girl I liked that I was interested and she said she only wanted to be friends. The rejection hurt at first, but it is easier to heal and move on than sit around and pine for someone and wonder if something may have come of it years down the road. To me, talking to someone all the time and keeping the secret emotions bottled up is disrespectful of myself. It is also more damaging than to face a potential one-time rejection.
Author joeyanna Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Yes, if they have friend-zoned each other it can be difficult to change. She can wait for him to make a move but she has to consider that she can either face rejection one time by asking him, or facing constant rejection by having him in her life and it never amount to anything more than friends. Eventually he will move on and get with a girl that is emotionally available and then she will wish she had said something. I told a girl I liked that I was interested and she said she only wanted to be friends. The rejection hurt at first, but it is easier to heal and move on than sit around and pine for someone and wonder if something may have come of it years down the road. To me, talking to someone all the time and keeping the secret emotions bottled up is disrespectful of myself. It is also more damaging than to face a potential one-time rejection. That is very good advice so thank you. It's not something I had considered when she asked for my advice. I'm going to show her these responses when I see her tomorrow at work and then she has to decide whether to make a move or not.
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