Veryconfused12345 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Hey guys, So this might be a turning point for me but some support/opinions would be hugely helpful right now. I think I've just escaped an emotionally abusive destructive relationship.... My ex dumped me without explanation, listed all of my faults, and then disappeared on me for about 2 months. I tried to show him how much I loved him and he rejected me again and again. Finally the truth emerged that he had quickly started dating/sleeping with another woman. He came back to me in the past few weeks saying he liked her but loved me and led me to believe he broke up with her. Then he kept me hanging on for days saying he loved me but needed to get his head straight. Turns out that he had told the other woman he needed to get his head straight as well and despite beating me up for "everything I had done to make him feel he wasn't loved" he essentially dumped me again last night. He told me he would always love me and couldn't fathom a life without me but felt that I couldn't give him 100% of my attention. The more I talk to him the more I realize he wants his gf to devote herself completely to him and nothing else-friends, job, etc. This was all kicked off when he hacked my emails, got angry for me having male friends, and brought up minor altercations from over a year ago. He doesn't have any friends and believes that when two people are in love they don't need anyone else in life. I told him once that I knew he was "The One" for me but I was still young and apparently he's been ruminating over that for months upset because he feels I rejected him with that comment. I've done all I could to show him I loved him, introduced him to every person in my life, talked about a future with him, etc. But he keeps on referencing maybe 7 or 8 incidents of minor disagreement that prove I wasn't content with him. Perhaps it's important to mention he's intensely insecure, has a history of depression, and didn't have his first gf until his late 20s... I'm trying to get angry and not be crushed. I guess I'm looking for some confirmation that this isn't the right way to treat someone but honestly, I feel very emotionally abused after all of this. I feel like I should think he's a loser and very clingy but my ego has been terribly bruised. I can't help thinking this is all my fault and if I had only given over myself entirely to him he wouldn't leave me. Please tell me that this wasn't a normal healthy relationship? I desperately need to leave this toxic relationship behind me.... Thanks so much
Philosoraptor Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 You were very much emotionally abused. This person seems to have laid all of the blame on you and is using you as an emotional crutch when needed. You need to cut the cord here. You need to first forgive yourself for anything that you may have done wrong. But more importantly forgive yourself for dealing with this abusive relationship and make a promise to yourself to never allow yourself to feel that way again. Then you need to forgive him internally for his immaturity. There is no need to talk to him about it, but in NC you need to learn to forgive him for not being mature enough to handle a real relationship. Things will get better for you and you will find much more happiness. I wish you the best on your journey.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Hi philosoraptor, Thanks so much for your response, you've been really lovely in responding to some of my posts and I really appreciate it. I have never felt lower in my life and in the past 3 months, I've been telling myself that I deserved how much hell he was putting me through because I haven't been a good partner. But I've always told him I loved him, was supportive of everything he did and wanted to do, and was intensely loyal. I completely believed it when he said I was the love of his life. I'm starting to think he didn't want to share me with anyone and wanted to control me more than he could. The person I was proud to be seems slightly obscured by all of this recent hurt. I feel like he's sort of crushed my spirit a bit-how do I begin to get it back? And why am I intensely jealous of this other woman? I feel like there should be some sort of justice in the world. I know it sounds melodramatic but I feel so broken. What happened to the man I thought I could trust and lean on?
sugarmomma Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Its time to move on. This crazy person will make you crazy before you can squeeze a healthy relationship out of his arse. Please cut contact with this nutcase or you will be sorry.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Hi Sugarmoma, Thanks for your response, I'm just not sure how I could have gotten it so wrong. How was a madly in love with a nutcase? I don't feel I'll ever find someone who won't hurt me now. I feel so bruised and scared by the prospect of another relationship but also, so terribly lonely. Just reading what I've written makes me sound so pathetic. What happened to the person I used to be?
Philosoraptor Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 It's normal to feel hurt when you've put in a ton of unrecognized effort only to be cast aside. Look at your good points and know you are wonderful and have so much to offer in the future. Right now focus on what you enjoy and the person you were before you met him. That happiness will come back and things will start to become normal again for you.
Mcnulty Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I really feel for you. Crushed your spirit...I feel the same way...mentally abused for nearly 2 years, then she offed with my friend. You have totally dodged a bullet with this guy...no wonder he has no friends! Insecure to the point where he doesn't want you to have a life or friends....whatever happened to mutual respect and acceptance of the person you love...you did that, but he certainly didn't! Do not speak to him again would be my advice..he is a destructive person. He can't imagine not having you in his life...he's trying to keep you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with this poor other girl who will also one day lose her identity. You can and will rise from this, be strong and believe in you...you did not deserve to be treat this way and I promise you, not all men are like that. Get yourself back...the old you and one day you will realize how awful and toxic he truly is.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Hi Mcnulty, I'm so grateful for your response as well. My question is how you even begin to put this back in to perspective. Logically I know I have dodged a bullet because it would always be a case of me bending over backwards to make him happy at the expense of my own self respect. However, I'm the type of person who is intensely eager to please (sort of the cliched dynamic between passive aggressive controlling bf and gf eager to be loved). In looking back, I walked straight in to this. But I thought I was wiser than this. Can I ask, things like having male friends, going out with groups of girls for a few hours, saying I need some time for my own work, or jokingly calling him clingy once-are these terrible transgressions for someone? He got upset that I once told him I didn't like his jeans, that I felt he could compliment me more, that I was very hurt and angry that he read my emails. He cited the fact that I mentioned my exes occassionally. He struggled with the fact that I had had previous partners which for my age is appropriate. He wanted to know the details of my previous physical relationships. He said we didn't need anyone else and just wanted someone to be joined at the hip. I asked him if he's learn salsa with me and he became convinced I was comparing him to a previous boyfriend. I tried to communicate things about our physical relationship and he got hurt and thought I had been happier with exes. Even at the end, he told me that I would realize with space that I wanted someone different. And after repeated pleading and professing of my love plus countless apologies for arguments I don't even remember having, he wouldn't accept my apologies and kept on saying "what if it happens again?" I have given all that I am. I have been exhausted. I have lost all perspective-this isn't what a relationship can be right? I'm so dependent on him and the more he drawed away the more clingy I became. He loved it, I could tell. I've manipulated but when did I become so weak I can't stand up for myself. I've lost my self respect completely.
Mcnulty Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 You say you're eager to please...that stems from something, maybe counselling would help you with that. Codependancy...maybe read up on that also, that was my ex to a tee...she couldn't be happy in herself, looked to me to be the provider of her happiness, which isn't healthy, she was very needy and had to be the "rescuer" in her life, animals, people, you name it. Look I'm not saying you are codependant, but please read up on it and see if you can find any links to you as a person. He's right about one thing, given time, you will realize you want and deserve someything/someone different, that to me is glaringly obvious. Trust me, you will gain your self respect back, in time, nurturing yourself and your needs only, not others. Time to become more selfish miss, for your mental health. You sound like a lovely, giving person, please don't lose sight of that and who you truly are. Stay strong and post on here as much as you like, it will help you get through it and hopefully gain some clarity and inner peace.
Philosoraptor Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I'd agree that counsiling might be a good avenue. I also struggled with the pleaser role in the past adn counsiling really helped end that. He seems like he was a very insecure person who was also very unconfident in himself. You will find better and be happier. I also felt that when the person to please was gone I wouldn't find anything else. Truth is though I loved her I just wasn't happy anymore either.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks so much for your responses. I think counseling would help, perhaps this is a case of codependency. The problem is, I was fiercely independent when he started pursuing me. I guess I became more and more attached as I felt I could trust him and let my guard down. It's very helpful to articulate this in writing and get your kind feedback. I just can't believe I've become this girl, the one who has let a partner destroy her self confidence. It's just that he seemed so loyal and trust worthy up until 3 months ago when years of bent up resentment came out. I would gladly try to work things through but I think he enjoys feeling like the victim. I really tried to be a good girlfriend and make him happy. It just hurts my ego maybe that I've been replaced. Is it wrong/counter productive to want him to be unhappy in the long run? I'm trying to get to a point where I don't want him back. A lot is changing in my life right now and I suspect it's easier for me to hang on to the image of what he once was then face the unknown. But considering how bruised I am and how gentle and kind a man I trusted him to be, I'm not sure how I won't expect this of any future boyfriend I have.
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Sounds like we have a lot in common. Before I met my ex I was very independent and self confident. She made me feel like it was wrong to be able to take care of myself and I lost a lot of myself due to that. For a long time I didn't even know who I was. Thankfully I have got myself back and I've learned from the past. I'll keep me and never let anyone take my self confidence away again.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Yeah, that's sort of how I started to feel. Increasingly it was a case of being apologetic for keeping friends (even female friends). I still can't tell whether I blew this relationship or not. I'm just so hurt that he had someone lined up, waiting in the wings who was tripping over herself to be with him. I know I should be building up self confidence but did you not just feel absolutely worthless right after? I know it would be counterproductive to jump into another relationship just to feel loved but I'm incredibly lonely right now. How long did it take for you to feel like "yourself" again? It's already been 3 months with pretty regular contact and I just can't take anymore of this. I feel so tired all the time.
Philosoraptor Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I did feel like nothing other times when we broke up. We were very off and on and I accepted a lot as I have the pleaser qualities that at the time I was not able to control. This time around instead of pining I worked on myself and less than a month after I didn't miss her anymore. It was years though of up and down and each time I got a little better. I made a fool of myself one last time and decided it wasn't worth it. I'm very happy now because I've gained myself back. Stop the contact though... it only brings pain. I feel like doing all of the NC that I could helped me a ton and helped me focus on myself. I saw a great psychologist and made sure to make strides daily. Pushing myself even when I was down and it really helped. When things ended I was able to fall back into my life. I was able to see friends and family that I was guilted out of seeing because of her jealousy and I was able to just be myself again. It was a huge weight off my shoulders as I didn't have to be worried about what I was going to do wrong today. I just live now and everyone else in my life seems very happy with me. She and I just were not a good match and I'm incredibly thankful I didn't get married to her as my optimism always kept me hopeful.
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