jesslm_x0 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Title should be: So confused! I need all the help I can get. Stupid computer! I'm a 21 year old college student who has never had a serious boyfriend except for this guy we'll call Bob. We have been off and on for almost four years now and our relationship is long distance. Background story: My dad lived in his town about 600 miles away for almost 10 years. I would spend my entire summer there as well as Christmas break and so I developed an extensive group of friends in that area. One summer, I was introduced to Bob and we spent the rest of the summer together 24/7. Okay, so from the beginning I knew he was special. He is two years older than me, so being a 17 year old girl meeting a 19 year old guy who wanted more than a nsa summer fling was pretty surprising. I didn't really know what to think about it, because I wasn't really expecting it, so I just said okay and we kept in touch while I was home. I then went back Thanksgiving break and that's when we actually started dating. A little about him: Bob is a wonderful, wonderful guy. I can always trust him. He is so smart, kind, thoughtful, and we are on the exact same page morally and spiritually. He is heading to medical school next year and has applied to every single school he could and even tried to move up here during his year off so that we could see what it would be like living together. He tries so hard, but I do NOT feel like he is the one and I have no idea if I'm just being scared or if I genuinely feel that way. Even though our morals click, I am a bit more free spirited than him. I'm the first girl he's done anything sexual with, but he wasn't my first. I have found as I've gotten older that I am definitely the girl who needs a connection and commitment to be intimate, though. He accepts my past and we're fine in that aspect. I have never experienced so much physical chemistry with someone, even though he is a virgin. I really feel like it's because I know he loves me so deeply, I feel 100% comfortable around him. I feel like we lack a good "friendship" though. Our senses of humor are so different and I don't find him to be that funny. It's like when we watch a movie, we laugh at completely different parts. When we talk on the phone or skype (which is the foundation of our relationship), we talk about our day and stuff. We don't banter or have really fun conversations like I feel like we need to have to survive a long distance relationship. We've been on and off so much because I have to admit that I have cheated on him. I was 18 and hadn't seen him in almost 7 months and I met someone at work who I ended up kissing. It was very random, but I didn't stop it. There have been other guys that have come into the picture, but I have never cheated on him since that one time. We actually haven't been officially back together since we broke up the first time. The reason I always go back to him is because with every guy I meet around here, I feel like I'm never going to be able to meet another Bob. I know good people like that don't really come around that often and it makes me feel stupid for ever leaving him in the first place. He's the kind of guy you settle down with and marry. He's the type of guy who sees me and only me, even if 20 of the hottest supermodels were around. It's cool, but scary. Real scary. When he offered to move up here for a year, I ran for cover. I'm 21 years old and not about to settle down and move in with someone, even if I care about them. I also don't want to continue doing a long distance relationship, so our only option is to move. That is just way too serious, don't you agree? He doesn't have any friends where I live, so I would be all he had (I can't move, because I go to school here and have awesome scholarships). Also, the friendship thing is so important to me. How can I live with someone I can't laugh with? I'm sorry this seems so scatter brained, I'm just so confused. I feel too young to be so serious with someone. I don't want to be like some of my friends who are already practically married, but I don't want to give up someone who genuinely loves me, even if we aren't the best of friends. I'm also worried if I settle, I'll always be searching for more. That's what I do all the time. As soon as I'm back with him, I want out again because I'm reminded of why I left in the first place. That may just be me being a commitment phobe, or maybe I really haven't met that right person? I just don't know guys. Ask any questions you need, because I'm sure this is randomly put together haha. I really appreciate you reading this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Hmmmmmmmmmmph, I suggest that the relatively minimal full 'exposure' you've had with one another has served to plant social seeds, spawn mutual 'investment' in the friendship/relationship, and yet NOT overload either side with the in-your-face presence of the other. So with that steadily 'brewing' on the sometimes-periphery of your life, you continued to grow fond of the confiding you could share with one another, while simultaneously unable to throw everything into the pot in hasty fashion. The present result is that you now have a 'relationship' with one another that each values more fully because of the lengthy 'investments' you've made in one another, over time. Most teen relationships aren't afforded that slower, steadier evolution and for that reason most of them burn out at the whim of one side or the other. What you've created for yourself is a good, solid social direction toward which you COULD turn, should you wish to do so. Indeed he's the marrying kind, and if time and fate will you toward that direction with him, it would probably be comfortable and fulfilling. In the present, though, it makes plenty of sense that you might wish to play the field for a bit, following your young adult impulses, as so very many of your peers would do. If you return to full interest and loyalty to "Bob" in time, it will likely be at a point when you're more ready to think long-term.
Author jesslm_x0 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 I agree; however, my biggest concern is how boring I find him. I don't know if I'm picking him apart because it's time to make a decision or what, but he's not like me at all and that bothers me. One of the first things I notice about someone is their sense of humor and when I don't feel a connection there, I start to friend-zone them. I felt so comfortable with him right away and things progressed so fast I guess that's why he was an exception. Now, four years later, I'm still struggling. I'm so hot and cold all the time because look at the important things he brings to the table that a lot of other guys don't? I don't want to be with someone I don't find exciting, but I don't want to lose someone who would give me the world if he could. Is this a simple case of "he's just not the one"?
Author jesslm_x0 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Anyone else have any input?
Dust Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 I think you like that he likes you, and like that he has a career path with means security. I think you've become bored and you don't like the thought of ending up with him. The thing is you were young when you met him so maybe you've grown attached to some one you wouldn't like now? But even if you did meet some one you really liked after a few years the jokes get old and everything gets borning unless you put a little effort in. I mean being in love motivates you to put that effort in... So only you know what you should do. You have to go with your gut what you think is best for you. Try to be honest with yourself. Like I said could be you have the wrong guy. Could be that time has done its thing and made a once fresh relationship seem stale. Also the thing where you cheated on him and kissed another guy. he doesn't need to know that in my opinion.
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