Starting a new relationship - still some guilt over the last?

[appletini]

After what I thought was a healthy recovery from a breakup (relationship 1.5 years long, breakup 3 months ago) I'm shocked to find myself set back a bit as I start a new relationship.

 

My ex was a great boyfriend and a great person, but we had lifestyle differences which led to more conflict than we were willing to handle for the long term. While I'm sure we will both grow and change, I don't feel that these differences will or could ever be resolved, and thus I haven't held out hope for reconciliation. I have, however, held out hope for friendship down the road... maybe that's a mistake, but having maintained solid platonic friendships with exes in the past, I don't think it's out of the question.

 

Anyway, I've been dating someone new for about a month (I've known him for about a year through mutual friends). After breaking up with my ex and feeling like no one could ever love me or care for me that much again, I am floored by the way this new guy is up to the task. He's truly everything I want in a boyfriend: funny, good-looking, intelligent, social, ambitious... I normally would want to take it really slow to avoid the dreaded Rebound Relationship (and I did ask him to respect that), but because we're so compatible it has just sort of sped along... I anticipate a serious talk of some sort over the next month (he's hinted at it already).

 

But now out of the blue, my past relationship has started to creep back into consciousness. It doesn't help that my ex is in a new relationship of his own and has been declaring his love for this new girl in various places online (he, too, had known her for about a year). I didn't actually find out about this until this week, long after my relationship with this new guy had progressed (so no, I didn't do anything out of spite).

 

I'm not sure why I care, and I keep asking myself that: Why do you want to know? What do you want? Do you want to be back with him, or do you want him to want YOU back? Intellectually, I don't want to have anything to do with him. I just think I still have guilt.

 

I don't think I treated him as well as I should have, and I don't think I was the best girlfriend I could have been. I was too critical and judgmental - overall, I wasn't my best self. And I feel bad about that. That doesn't mean we would be any more compatible now than we were three months ago... I just wish he knew how I felt. This is hanging over me like a black cloud, and it's making it harder for me to move forward with what I think will be a more balanced relationship.

 

Has anyone experienced this? Did you need further contact with your ex to resolve these feelings, and if not, how did you cope and move on?

[ZimboGon]

Sounds like you guys broke up for the wrong reasons.

[appletini]

Oops, I should add that the breakup was mutual and not at all bitter.

[ZimboGon]

Oops, I should add that the breakup was mutual and not at all bitter.

 

Probably. If that is the case, he's moved on and its time for you to do the same. No reason to hold onto the past, he isn't.

[appletini]

I would agree with you, but I have reason to believe that he hasn't fully moved on (one of our mutual friends - more his than mine - mentioned last week that she didn't feel it was appropriate to see me just yet, for his sake, although down the line we want to reconnect and she asked to stay in touch).

[wilsonx]

number 1 you are rebounding, you are in the honeymoon phase, you do not know how perfect he is, youre in whats called deep infatuation. Look how quickly both you and your ex shot off in relationships.

 

number 2 ex always lie. They want to pretend that they are doing better then you are, its a game. If they have to go through great lengths to make it known, they are trying too hard

[ZimboGon]

I would agree with you, but I have reason to believe that he hasn't fully moved on (one of our mutual friends - more his than mine - mentioned last week that she didn't feel it was appropriate to see me just yet, for his sake, although down the line we want to reconnect and she asked to stay in touch).

 

Well, if he hasn't moved on, more contact from you is only going to get in the way of that. It would be best to give him his space honestly if that is really all you care about. Reconnecting is something you can do at a later date, but it wouldn't be appropriate right now.

[appletini]

Sorry, further clarification that she was referring to HER reconnecting with me - I didn't ask her at all about my ex, as I felt it was inappropriate at the time.

 

But yes, I know that you're right. I think both of us are in a place of stability, seeing other people, not in contact, etc. but a little nudge could rock the boat. I don't need yet another reason to feel guilty. It's hard though.

[ZimboGon]

Sorry, further clarification that she was referring to HER reconnecting with me - I didn't ask her at all about my ex, as I felt it was inappropriate at the time.

 

But yes, I know that you're right. I think both of us are in a place of stability, seeing other people, not in contact, etc. but a little nudge could rock the boat. I don't need yet another reason to feel guilty. It's hard though.

 

I swear, by reading the first part of that i thought you were my ex. Our breakup wasn't mutual, though haha.

[appletini]

Thanks wilsonx. It's funny to think of it as infatuation, since dating this new guy has been very even-keel and pragmatic (it's hard to fall head of heels for someone you've known for so long, in the traditional sense at least). You're probably right though about the honeymoon phase, which would be a part of any new relationship, rebound or not.

 

I guess time will tell. I do think this guy has long term potential though, not because I get butterflies or something trivial, but because we have similar lifestyles, passions, and goals, along with great conversation and a physical connection. I just don't know.