shortee143 Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 hi y'all- ok so summary. Ex and I broke up, quite a few months ago, we have a bijillion mutual friends and see each other several times a month (ugh!). I also get to hang out with him and his girlfriend too as they are both at same social events. He broke up with me with no tact, no reason given, and it has been a very diffcult post breakup process in terms of him having any respect towards me and just did many hurtful things. Oh the tears I cried.... So the question I pose to you all....do you think we need to forgive? I find myself stressed on this. He doesnt deserve my forgiveness at all, but do i deserve to feel "free" and forgive him so that i dont feel that gut pain in my stomach when I see him. I always hear that it is important to forgive for YOUR own benefit, but how so I wonder to. Frankly i wouldnt think so much about this forgiveness thing if he wasnt a big part of my life in terms of socially. It pains me to see him, and see him with her, and it has taken a lot of strength to not give up and abandon my friends/social life. I think of all the awful things he did...but how long can i feel like this? And if I forgive, it feels as though I let all his absolutely unacceptable bad behavior off the hook? Any thoughts on forgiving?! Esp if you do, or knew you had to see your ex and interact with him..If I never had to see him, I'd prob say eff it and good riddance. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 One of the things that you have to realize is that its not his pain, its your pain. You have to own it. Its about feeling it, acknowledging its present and forgiving yourself for being hurt. Thats it, you are going to hurt for a long time and even seeing him will remind you of that pain but keep on this path and you will be ok Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 IMO, forgiving them does NOTHING for yourself, if you don't truly mean it. Sometimes it takes lots of time to forgive someone for what they did, there's no need to rush it. I can tell you from experience though, that forgiving someone you still feel very bitter towards on the inside, b/c of what they did, does nothing. You can't fake it. Now I also don't think there's any need to forgive that person to their face. Don't give him the gift of relieving any guilt he may be burying within him (who knows maybe he's not and truly doesn't care) if he hasn't earned it (has he offered a true, meaningful, caring, apology?). My ex, imo, who did apologize, hasn't earned my forgiveness, so I'm just not going to reach out to her to forgive her unless she ever does earn it (we're almost a year NC so I don't think that's happening). I can forgive her without notifying her. These are just my own beliefs. I don't want to reach out to someone whom I don't think deserves my forgiveness. If someone is truly sorry for something, and you can tell it's an honest apology, and they do really care about you and show actions backing that up, I have no problems forigivng them. Otherwise screm em, I will heal on my own, and eventually forgive them for being so immature at the time, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 Most people aren't working against you - they're just in it for themselves. A selfish ex is hardly something you want to be wasting your energy and thoughts on for long. To me, forgiving means not holding it against him anymore. It's ok if you aren't ready now or not interested in doing that, ever. You don't have to forget that he wasn't a kind or trustworthy person. However, you will need to stop seething every time you see him, so reach for indifference where you eventually just don't care what he does or says. Dismiss him and thoughts of him whenever he comes to mind. Teach yourself to do that - you do have control over your thoughts. Remind yourself that he's not worth the brain cells. Consciously and deliberately replace him with thoughts of something else. When you see him, just think: oh, there's that selfish fool again. whatever. The pain will lessen when you decide to stop thinking about yourself as the victim of his wrong-doing, and start thinking about other stuff. Whether you choose to forgive him when you reach that point and don't care anymore is up to you. It won't be that big a deal to you then. Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 Why are you stressed about forgiving him? When you really forgive it shouldn't be forced. Are you planning to tell him when you've forgiven him? When you're ready to let go, it's sort of an unspoken thing. You don't have to let an ex know that you've done so unless they ask/apologize/or you're on good terms with them for real. i give you a lot of credit for being around him and his new girlfriend. you seem to act courteous around them so you've already shown you're the better person. Forgiveness is actually not letting bad behavior off the hook. Your ex is still accountable for the way he broke up with you. And it's very different than reconciliation. It's really for you and your responsibility to not let specific qualities or actions hurt you the same way again. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 What does forgiveness mean to you? It became fashionable some time ago for people to say "you have to forgive to heal", but they never really say what forgiveness is, and I'm not sure it means the same thing to different people. I tend to look at it as dumping yet another burden on someone who was wronged -- not only have they been hurt, they are being told they will never be a happy, functional human being unless they forgive the perpetrator. Ultimately, you need to decide what forgiveness of your ex means to you, and then decide when you're ready to actually do so. I'd say you don't have to forgive him, not ever if you don't feel you can, and you don't need to feel bad about that. After you've had more time to heal, maybe you'll want to revisit the issue of forgiveness. Unlike many people, I don't think you'll be miserable forever if you don't forgive. However, I agree wholeheartedly with norajane on seething and indifference: However, you will need to stop seething every time you see him, so reach for indifference where you eventually just don't care what he does or says. Dismiss him and thoughts of him whenever he comes to mind. Teach yourself to do that - you do have control over your thoughts. Remind yourself that he's not worth the brain cells. Consciously and deliberately replace him with thoughts of something else. When you see him, just think: oh, there's that selfish fool again. whatever. The pain will lessen when you decide to stop thinking about yourself as the victim of his wrong-doing, and start thinking about other stuff. Whether you choose to forgive him when you reach that point and don't care anymore is up to you. It won't be that big a deal to you then. Feeling indifferent about him is what you need to aim for if you are going to heal. It's obviously a difficult thing to do given the social situation you're in. I hope you have friends in that circle who are supportive of you. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Personally, I think detachment is a lot more powerful than forgiveness when it comes to healing from badly-ended relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shortee143 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Share Posted December 27, 2011 Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. In response, well first, I def dont plan on telling him if I forgive him, that is surely not my job! Id think he would assume so if I become friendly with him, etc. As said above, what brought me to this thread, was the whole "we need to forgive to heal" idea...but based on all the said above, it is a bit more complex. I am very nice to his new gf and never once aired any of his "dirty laundry" so say (darn me for being mature). I just have never been so involved in an ex's life, esp one that caused me so much pain, and so much was unnecessary. A legit, honest, apology would make a huge difference to me, but that is just me. It has taken a lot of strength for me to not islolate myself from out friends...I just wish he could be like "wow you have balls, and your a really mature girl for not telling my new gf all the awful things i did to you)...HA wishful thinking I think indifference may be what I should aim for- I need to get to a point where I can be ok with him w her, being around it all, and not seething in anger/pain. I'm not really stuck in the past...but the past is stuck with me!! In another situation i would cut an unhealthy person out of my life, and move right along, after all why surround yourself with someone that makes you feel great pain...but I chose not to do that due to all the same friends, etc. I just seemed to associate forgiving him with letting him off the hook---when in reality, boy is there a lot I'd like to say to him about all this..and not just "let it slid". I dont enjoy "hating" someone I loved (err maybe still love somewhere deep in me hence why I feel conflicted), but he just hurt me so bad, so unnecessarily and couldn't have the maturity to have any empathy given this social situation for us. I feel like I give him mixed signals too, bc one second I cold shoulder him a bit, and the next we are politely chatting. I think it is part of my process? Or I just cant make up my mind? hah, or heck, it just depends on the day! Link to post Share on other sites
perfectlyflawed459 Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 When you can find it within yourself to forgive him, then you can truly let go of your pain. Hate, jealousy, anger...those are all such ugly things to hold within you and they only make you look ugly to your ex and everyone else. As wilsonx said, it is your pain, you have to own it. It won't be easy, but you will be glad that you faced your pain and you will be able to be much happier Link to post Share on other sites
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