U1987 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) So I have to say, my online dating experience has been really disappointing thus far; of about 220 girls emailed on OK Cupid in the past 5 months, I only got 36 responses, 7 phone numbers and only 4 dates (back in August) with girls I wasn't all that attracted to and honestly didn't care to see again. I've tried long emails, short emails, serious emails, silly emails, highly personalized emails, generic mass-emails and about a dozen or so hybrids of those. I tried not to take online dating seriously when I started, but honestly it's really taken a toll on my self esteem. It's difficult sometimes to have faith in your own qualities with results like that; it makes you feel like there's still something wrong with you, despite your efforts to improve yourself. Still, I have a tiny sliver of hope left. OKC shows the profiles of all the girls in a given radius around you; the minimum is 25 miles. I'm really not willing to travel further to date, and I'm sure most girls would be hesitant to do so as well. I've blown my first impression with the majority of girls I find attractive in my area; OKC tells you if you've emailed someone or if they've emailed you before. There's only about 30 left in my area who I haven't contacted yet. I live in a pretty suburban area, and with OKC's turnover rate, it's going to be a long time before a few hundred new girls appear again. What can I do to make something work with these last 30 girls? I really don't want to blow this last chance. Edited December 27, 2011 by U1987
Nexus One Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 If all fails, you can still try to approach women offline, asking them if they're single and go from there. Not every single woman has an online dating profile on OKC.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Online dating is the least effective way of meeting people. It's the dating equivalent of telemarketing. Attractive girls can easily get 20-30 messages a day, so regardless of what you write, the odds of getting a response are not great. It's only effective for meeting girls who are below your league in terms of looks...it's no coincidence that all of your dates through OK Cupid were with girls you weren't attracted to. The problem with online dating is that guys treat it as a number game and send messages to every female they find even remotely attractive. As a result, women get an overwhelming amount of messages and they can't possibly respond to all of them. They also get an inflated ego and start thinking that they are hot sh*t. Someone needs to make an online dating site where people would be limited to messaging one new person a day.
kaylan Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Try Plentyoffish. Way more users. And just go out more. Malls, shopping centers, coffee shops, the movies with friends, social events in the city, bars, clubs, etc.
Author U1987 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Try Plentyoffish. Way more users. And just go out more. I actually left POF for OKC because POF had a lower turnover and response rate. I also noticed that a lot of the same people have OKC and POF accounts. And I do go out all the time. I have school the morning, work in the evening and I'm out and about all the time inbetween and after. I'm not a shut in. The only time I'm at home is really when I'm sleeping and showering.
Author U1987 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Any ideas at all? What can I do to really make an impression with these last few girls in my area on OKC?
verhrzn Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Holy cow, you've messaged nearly every single girl on OKCupid and barely gotten any response back?? Um... I think it's time to stop focusing so much on your messages, and more on your profile. How many people have you had look it over, including your pictures? Something seems massively wrong here...
Author U1987 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Holy cow, you've messaged nearly every single girl on OKCupid and barely gotten any response back?? Um... I think it's time to stop focusing so much on your messages, and more on your profile. How many people have you had look it over, including your pictures? Something seems massively wrong here... I've had 4 people review it. The 1st person said my first profile was fine. The 2nd person said my first profile was too stale and to embellish it a bit. The 3rd person said my next profile was too over-the-top and to tone it down a bit. The 4th person said it was a little stale and just reworded it to lighten it up a bit.
silvermercy Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Could you post a sample perhaps?? As I said in your other thread, I was on OKC for sometime so maybe I could help a little... Others, too. But I left because I got 100+ messages a day. Their responses/profiles did not interest me enough to reply and was overwhelmed eventually. Not sure if you look for a date or casual as you mentioned in the other thread. The profile would make a big difference this way.
Author U1987 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Could you post a sample perhaps?? As I said in your other thread, I was on OKC for sometime so maybe I could help a little... Others, too. But I left because I got 100+ messages a day. Their responses/profiles did not interest me enough to reply and was overwhelmed eventually. Not sure if you look for a date or casual as you mentioned in the other thread. The profile would make a big difference this way. This is my profile My name is ______, and as you can probably tell from my photos, music is a big passion of mine. I play guitar for a local cover band, going on 3 years now. You wouldn’t know it from looking at me, but I’m also a huge 80s nut and sometimes a bit a nerd. I’ve been to Southeast Asia, Central American and the UK; I'm always up for an adventure. I appreciate modern art and will go to a museum or art gallery more then a couple of times. Aside from playing with my own band, I also love seeing other musicians play live, especially if it’s Jazz or Classic Rock. I'm frequently up in ______, out in ______ or down in ______ to see what's good. I’m also down for the occasional rave, but you've gotta provide the glow sticks. I’m not super outdoorsy, unless you count “urban hiking," but I love being out in the sun and I really enjoy winter-hiking. I know when I need to be serious and considerate but I also have a sense of humor and will be a bit of a goof when the mood calls for it, so brace yourself. In my "looking for," I don't have "Casual Sex" selected because I know that would turn off the vast majority of girls. I have "Long Term Dating" "Short Term Dating" and "Activity Partners" selected. I also didn't answer any of the sex questions on OKC.
Lobouspo Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Why not try Eharmony or match? In theory, if someone is spending money on a date site, they are probably more serious about actually meeting
mesmerized Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Okcupid is also full of unattractive guys. Go on some other dating website.
silvermercy Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) This is my profile In my "looking for," I don't have "Casual Sex" selected because I know that would turn off the vast majority of girls. I have "Long Term Dating" "Short Term Dating" and "Activity Partners" selected. I also didn't answer any of the sex questions on OKC. OK, let's see... well first of all I must say it wouldn't strike me as a profile I would respond to. On the other hand I don't belong to your demographic of course but I still can spot some things that need changing. First of all totally delete the nerd part! It doesn't matter if there are girls who like geeky men, they just won't respond to that. I know I wouldn't, even though I do like some geeky and nerdy stuff. Also, you seem to talk about music a LOT. It may be your real passion but you can make that shorter and replace all that talk with other things that girl may relate to. Think of something romantic perhaps you also like. Even food! (Just an example, no need to write it). Break each section into parts/paragraphs. Also, something about your syntax... for example, instead of saying you go to a museum "more than a couple of times", try a word like "frequently" or "occasionally" etc. Basically, you need to work more on your profile and smarten it up. It seems a bit random they way it's presented I'm afraid.... But I do like the 80s part, I'm also a fanatic since I'm a "child of the 80s". Also, I wouldn't end it with "brace yourself" it may be told in a joking manner but can also sound aggressive in the subconscious. lol You never know! Last but not least, of course you know already that you should not lead on any girls about what you're after. I know I wouldn't continue replying if someone tried to persuade me for casual sex if I was only looking for a proper date. Good luck!! EDIT: I forgot to add: try not to make negative sentences like "I'm not super-outdoorsy". Replace with a positive: "I like enjoying nights at home with a good glass of wine" etc... (again, don't write that, just an example. lol) Edited December 29, 2011 by silvermercy
Author U1987 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 OK, let's see... well first of all I must say it wouldn't strike me as a profile I would respond to. On the other hand I don't belong to your demographic of course but I still can spot some things that need changing. First of all totally delete the nerd part! It doesn't matter if there are girls who like geeky men, they just won't respond to that. I know I wouldn't, even though I do like some geeky and nerdy stuff. Also, you seem to talk about music a LOT. It may be your real passion but you can make that shorter and replace all that talk with other things that girl may relate to. Think of something romantic perhaps you also like. Even food! (Just an example, no need to write it). Break each section into parts/paragraphs. Here's the thing though; do most young college-aged girls want a guy who sounds romantic? Or a guy who sounds fun and exciting? And how do you make food sound romantic?? Also, something about your syntax... for example, instead of saying you go to a museum "more than a couple of times", try a word like "frequently" or "occasionally" etc. I thought about that but I didn't want to risk sounding too formal or stuffy. Have you read the profiles of most 18-25 girls? First words in a sentence not capitalized, text-speak, run-on sentences and emoticons; My grammar and syntax is exemplary compared to theirs.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 You need to just hang back a bit...you're not learning enough from your trial and error, nor are you picking up queues or being sensitive and aware of not to actually progress. You remind me of those people in Vegas who've lost big but instead of getting themselves together and trying another day they keep rolling the dice hoping that next hand will swing everything back around so you can at least break even. It's obvious and apparent that you have no idea what you're doing, and that's what it turning women off. You are way over-thinking it and not being yourself, you need to figure out the best way to be you. You can't be genuine and invoke a response out of people If you are just trying to play cookie cutter ::insert formula:: guy. You seem to have a really hard time being yourself at the end of the day, you really need to spend time finding yourself and being comfortable in your own skin...you cannot do things without confidence or self-esteem, nor arrogance or being clueless. Also you shouldn't just lay your profile out in a boring and typical way. You need to be creative, expressive, etc...Show who you are and your interests without breaking it down in a generic way, this is where your individuality comes in, and when you don't know yourself or you're insecure it tends to go the route of not knowing what to say. But I can promise you the best results will come when you aren't even trying. Other than that, to be honest you need help. I'm not sure if that kind of success rate is normal for men, but those are beyond cause for concern. To me that means you are really missing something, you either need someone close and insightful to be able to help you with how you come off and what kind of person you look like in other peoples eyes, or figure it out for yourself and working or more like improving those aspects of you. I get the sense that someone close to you would be able to tell you a lot of why you would get rejected by a woman, you should probably ask them and what you could do to improve or at least use their insight to figure out.
oaks Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 So I have to say, my online dating experience has been really disappointing thus far; of about 220 girls emailed on OK Cupid in the past 5 months, I only got 36 responses, 7 phone numbers and only 4 dates (back in August) with girls I wasn't all that attracted to and honestly didn't care to see again. 16% isn't a bad response rate. I think I went on 20 first dates before I found my girlfriend, from a lower response rate, so you can imagine how many women I contacted. There's only about 30 left in my area who I haven't contacted yet. I live in a pretty suburban area, and with OKC's turnover rate, it's going to be a long time before a few hundred new girls appear again. What can I do to make something work with these last 30 girls? I really don't want to blow this last chance. With that response rate you're doing okay for online dating. Having some hot pictures might improve things, but that mostly only works if you've got the looks to help the camera! I "ran out" of women to contact on OKC several times... but luckily my search radius included London so there were new profiles fairly regularly. If you're in a lower-population area then there's not much you can do about that. Perhaps consider taking a break from online dating until some more women show up, and use the time for more traditional dating or for personal improvement.
silvermercy Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Here's the thing though; do most young college-aged girls want a guy who sounds romantic? Or a guy who sounds fun and exciting? And how do you make food sound romantic?? I thought about that but I didn't want to risk sounding too formal or stuffy. Have you read the profiles of most 18-25 girls? First words in a sentence not capitalized, text-speak, run-on sentences and emoticons; My grammar and syntax is exemplary compared to theirs. Well, I suppose it depends in your area and the TYPE of 18-25 year old girls you are after. And also the dating site. Depending on the site you go, some 18 year-old girls are so articulate they could be professional authors. But indeed OKC is not so much on the romantic and articulate side (and that's why I left and moved to other kinds of sites that focus on romance). However, there are also many girls who want BOTH. Those traits (excitement/romance) are not mutually exclusive. I think If you want casual encounters then your best bet is not OKC but a specific casual sex site. And then be prepared to pay for escorts. Anyway, why not try being more formal? As, so far, informal hasn't worked according to your description. Maybe you'll impress them... Just try it for a while at least and see? Oh, about food being romantic, you must have heard about candle-lit dinners of course, but then again I'm not sure you'd attract the kind of girl you want. That's mostly for romance dating sites.
carhill Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 For S&G's, I just checked match for the usual suspects. Within ten miles, from 45-55 in age, there are two returns. Drop the bottom down to 18yo and there are 19 returns. These are apparently breathing single people; no attraction parameters are applied. Looking at the pictures offered, probably 90% are clearly Hispanic, reflecting the demographics of the area. My area doesn't even register on the free sites. Good luck in your search.
Author U1987 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 Oh, about food being romantic, you must have heard about candle-lit dinners of course, but then again I'm not sure you'd attract the kind of girl you want. That's mostly for romance dating sites. Candle-lit dinner is so old-fashioned though; I might as well ask the girl what her sign is and ask if she wants to go to make-out creek. And wouldn't coming off as overly "romantic" be off putting and overbearing for girls who just want to date casually/short-term?
ScreamingTrees Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Seriously.. Why even bother with online dating? Regardless of what you put in, SOMEONE will find something wrong with it. And, apparently, being yourself is the worst thing you could do. Putting something about "food" or "romantic things" in your profile also sounds very generic and vanilla.. Just lie about what you are, if you want to be looked at as an option. I guess it just doesn't pay, in general. Even to be left up as a passive means of opportunity.
Author U1987 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 I just don't get it; I understand that girls get lots of messages, and I know I'm not going to get every single girl I want, but seriously, what more do I have to do? It's not like I'm typing short, cheezy "Hey baby, wuz good?" or "Hey u r sexy" kind of messages; I'm actually making an effort. I have my best pictures up, I'm constantly reconstructing my profile, I'm seriously trying to write thoughtful, intriguing messages. I'm even trying in my normal, private life. I'm not wildly successful, but I'm in school, I have a job, I'm debt-free and I quit smoking (both of which was an insane struggle), I'm in shape, I dress well. Really, what MORE do I physically have to do? Do I have to cure cancer or something?
oaks Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Really, what MORE do I physically have to do? You're getting a 16% response rate with what you say are your best photos. That's not bad, and certainly hard to improve on. Maybe you're losing some of them on the second email or soon after, or maybe you just need to contact more women.
Emilia Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 I just don't get it; I understand that girls get lots of messages, and I know I'm not going to get every single girl I want, but seriously, what more do I have to do? It's not like I'm typing short, cheezy "Hey baby, wuz good?" or "Hey u r sexy" kind of messages; I'm actually making an effort. I have my best pictures up, I'm constantly reconstructing my profile, I'm seriously trying to write thoughtful, intriguing messages. I'm even trying in my normal, private life. I'm not wildly successful, but I'm in school, I have a job, I'm debt-free and I quit smoking (both of which was an insane struggle), I'm in shape, I dress well. Really, what MORE do I physically have to do? Do I have to cure cancer or something? This is the reality of online dating for most people, this is why I gave up. You have to wait for new people to sign up (they do constantly) but in my opinion it still isn't worth the effort most people put into it. Much better to expand your offline dating options. 'Meetup' is huge with girls, whatever your interests are. You would meet them easily in real life without this nonsense in your age group.
fishtaco Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Like everyone said, do it in real life. Online dating is really bad for men. Don't bother, it's not worth your time. Some men however, seem to have a knack for it. Maybe their genetic lottery allows them to get past the filters, maybe they are photogenic. Regardless, it works for them. If it's not working for you, then you are not one of those guys, and you shouldn't bother with online dating.
silvermercy Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Candle-lit dinner is so old-fashioned though; I might as well ask the girl what her sign is and ask if she wants to go to make-out creek. And wouldn't coming off as overly "romantic" be off putting and overbearing for girls who just want to date casually/short-term? Yes, that's what I was saying. As someone else already said, even genuine girls (non-escorts) who only want to hook up, would be reluctant to do so in online dating. The fear in meeting someone for whatever reason is generally greater for the female than the male. Real-life would feel safer for them.
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