ScienceGal Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I am new to OLD. What are thoughts/opinions on responding to people who I am defiitely not compatible with? Should I send a quick thank you, or nothing at all? I don't want it to say "never replies" under my photo, but I answered 300 questions on OKC, so I thought that would allow me to attract matches. The guys writing to me are not that I just came home to 3 messages. One is from a man way out of my age range, one is from someone who has very different views on important issues (e.g. same sex marriage, sexual desires/fetishes...[btw, I do not answer any of the sexual preferences questions]). The third guy seems nice, but is not in shape at all and plays video games a lot... I list active/fit as being important to me. I feel like all 3 of these men overlooked what I listed as important. Do I owe them a message back? Thanks for the input.
Casablanca Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 If you're not interested, no need to send a thanks, but no thanks message Even a personally crafted message for you, if you're not interested, don't reply.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I would not reply back if you are not interested at all. A reply back signifies an interest. If you reply back saying "no thanks" you might bring the weirdo out of people.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) Good point Pizzaman, I had an OKC account about a year ago, and a man actually got weird when I didn't respond to his first message. As soon he saw I looked at his profile but didn't write him back, he messaged me a lengthy email about how I "ripped his heart out and crushed his soul" and about how he was going to be "alone forever". Then he found me on FB and friend requested me. I blocked him, but at that point I think where I work was public (I changed that asap). I ended up getting scared and writing back thanking him for his message and telling him why I wasn't interested. I even consoled him a bit. Once I assured him it wasn't his looks, he was good. And, I gave him tips on how to calm down and tweak his profile. He thanked me for "listening" and being honest and left me alone after that. That situation still makes me very nervous when I think about it. I've only written back to 1 guy out of about 15 that have messaged me. I'm not sure if that is typical. I guess I am looking to be nice, but not lead anyone on either. It might be that I am not an online dating type of gal. I don't know... I think I'll give it a little more time. Also, there are 2 men that I am a 99% match with, but I can't get the nerve to write to them. They've both looked at my profile. I might just suck at this! Edited December 27, 2011 by ScienceGal
Pizzaman81 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Good point Pizzaman, I had an OKC account about a year ago, and a man actually got weird when I didn't respond to his first message. As soon he saw I looked at his profile but didn't write him back, he messaged me a lengthy email about how I "ripped his heart out and crushed his soul" and about how he was going to be "alone forever". Then he found me on FB and friend requested me. I blocked him, but at that point I think where I work was public (I changed that asap). I ended up getting scared and writing back thanking him for his message and telling him why I wasn't interested. I even consoled him a bit. Once I assured him it wasn't his looks, he was good. And, I gave him tips on how to calm down and tweak his profile. He thanked me for "listening" and being honest and left me alone after that. That situation still makes me very nervous when I think about it. I've only written back to 1 guy out of about 15 that have messaged me. I'm not sure if that is typical. I guess I am looking to be nice, but not lead anyone on either. It might be that I am not an online dating type of gal. I don't know... I think I'll give it a little more time. Also, there are 2 men that I am a 99% match with, but I can't get the nerve to write to them. They've both looked at my profile. I might just suck at this! Yes it's different than real life dating. In real life, you are forced to respond to the man if he approaches you. You can ease your way out slowly and say "oh i got a boyfriend" or whatever. With online dating, easier/better to just not reply and hide.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Also, being online must give people more courage. I have never been asked out, or even approached and engaged in conversation by a man I didn't know. I frequent a local pub, a small restaurant, and the gym. Nada!
Pizzaman81 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I think the problem is you go there by yourself expecting to find a stranger. You should organize or join group events! So much better in meeting people that way.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 I go to the pub weekly with a group of people... and yes, I think that's the way I will meet someone. The ole friend of a friend scenario. I realized that I had OKC opened in another tab, so I think I was getting messaged a lot because I was online. I just got an email from OKC telling me that I am "hot" and now more attractive people will appear in my matches. Seriously? Why would I want someone that's attractive but I am not compatible with? (Both rhetorical). sigh.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I go to the pub weekly with a group of people... and yes, I think that's the way I will meet someone. The ole friend of a friend scenario. I realized that I had OKC opened in another tab, so I think I was getting messaged a lot because I was online. I just got an email from OKC telling me that I am "hot" and now more attractive people will appear in my matches. Seriously? Why would I want someone that's attractive but I am not compatible with? (Both rhetorical). sigh. Oh wow, you got the infamous email
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 No need to reply just to be "nice". It opens a dialogue, even when you send someone a "thanks but no thanks" message. I'll recieve a sweet message from someone, then when I don't respond, I'll get a nasty message from the same person. That only tells me I made the right choice not to engage the guy in the first place.
El Brujo Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 "Online dating etiquette" is an oxymoron, just like "affordable housing", "rock music", and "women's intuition".
El Brujo Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I'll recieve a sweet message from someone, then when I don't respond, I'll get a nasty message from the same person. That only tells me I made the right choice not to engage the guy in the first place. Yes, and then they fire back by putting "don't date D-Lish, she's a jerk" in their profile (along with all the other women who refused them).
HughHardcastle Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I agree with everyone else, in that if you aren't interested, just delete the message. Most people will get the hint, and those that don't are probably psychos who were nice enough to make it 100% obvious that you want nothing to do with them.
FitChick Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I disagree. I always send a "Sorry but we aren't a good match. Good luck on your search!" If they respond hoping to start a dialogue, then I ignore them because they will know why. Worst case scenario, "Sorry, you're not my type. Good luck on your search!" and then block them.
moontiger Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Generally, my experience is that it's better not to open a dialogue when declining someone. Opening a dialogue is how I got sucked into dating my ex. Although he was an interesting guy, I knew he was wrong for me and our life goals were incompatible; I wanted stability and a family and he wanted adventure, and it was obvious from his profile. But when I declined him, he wrote back and asked why, and I told him the above. And then he wrote back and argued sincerely and gracefully that all of my concerns were unreasonable--and he was a really eloquent guy. After a slew of e-mails back and forth he said "why don't we just meet as friends?" and we did, and he was gorgeous and persistent, and I lived three hours from a city and was lonely. Thus began the worst relationship of my life, which ended 1.5 years later when he walked out saying "you were right in the beginning; you want stability and a family, and I want adventure, and it isn't going to work." How often I wish I had just cut the conversation off instantly. It's a lot easier not to begin an interaction with someone than to get out once it's going.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Generally, my experience is that it's better not to open a dialogue when declining someone. Opening a dialogue is how I got sucked into dating my ex. Although he was an interesting guy, I knew he was wrong for me and our life goals were incompatible; I wanted stability and a family and he wanted adventure, and it was obvious from his profile. But when I declined him, he wrote back and asked why, and I told him the above. And then he wrote back and argued sincerely and gracefully that all of my concerns were unreasonable--and he was a really eloquent guy. After a slew of e-mails back and forth he said "why don't we just meet as friends?" and we did, and he was gorgeous and persistent, and I lived three hours from a city and was lonely. Thus began the worst relationship of my life, which ended 1.5 years later when he walked out saying "you were right in the beginning; you want stability and a family, and I want adventure, and it isn't going to work." How often I wish I had just cut the conversation off instantly. It's a lot easier not to begin an interaction with someone than to get out once it's going. ugh. It seems the majority of people are saying to not write back. And if I put myself on the other end of this, I think I agree. If I wrote to a man and they didn't write back, I'd be ok since I am happy with myself. I am not going to spiral down emotionally if one man doesn't like me. If they write back, "sorry, you're not my type", I would have the same reaction. That said, I haven't written to anyone yet, and I wonder how discouraging it must be for some men to continuously put themselves out there and rarely get responses. Perhaps the "sorry you're not my type" email would mean something to them. Hmmm. Probably wouldn't mean enough though. I can't save the world, I know. I just feel bad. I have not written back to men I am incompatible with. No one has sent me hate mail yet.
zengirl Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 When I was OLD, I always sent a "Sorry, but I'm not interested," if they met my basic age range and location requirements (both in the profile) and had messaged me with more than "hi" and nothing that was rude or profane. Just seemed polite. However, some persisted in messaging me back or got angry that I said "No thanks," so I did have to block several people. Thank goodness those days are over! But I found my hubby on OKC, so I cannot recommend it enough.
El Brujo Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 The only time I got a "thanks, but no thanks" reply was from an attractive woman who was deadset on having kids, and so for me this was a dealbreaker... but I still respect her for it. The other times, I was the jerk. Women who look like fat teenage boys and live in another state messaged ME and I ignored them.
dasein Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 When members send form mail, one-liners, or are obviously way outside your stated parameters, no need to reply. But at least use the site's functionality to send a "not interested" form response back to members who match your parameters and send a legit custom email. If they pester or respond rudely after that, block them. As an analogy, suppose it were a church singles group in your community. You are out with the group doing some activity. A guy walks up and says "Hi, I'm X, is this your first time here?" You don't find him attractive. Do you ignore him and walk off or engage politely and respectfully decline his invitation to get together later? It's really just the same other than the OLD anonymity allowing people to be rude without consequence. This isn't rocket science, just use the site's functionality as intended. Makes the overall experience better for all thoughtful members. Being unnecessarily rude doesn't affect the jerks at all, but just may discourage the good members from continuing.
thatone Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I go to the pub weekly with a group of people... and yes, I think that's the way I will meet someone. The ole friend of a friend scenario. i was having a conversation about this with a female friend yesterday who was lamenting the fact that she never gets approached in bars, and i told her why, which is the above basically. if you're in a large, loud group of people no one is going to try to interrupt the entire group just to talk to you. two women sitting at the bar together? sure. 5 or 6 of them sitting at a table in the corner, and 2 or more at a glance have wedding rings on or if there are multiple men present? usually not even a second glance in those scenarios. i would wager that most women who wonder why they don't get approached in public places like that don't get approached because they'll only go with a group of 4 or 5 (or more) people.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 i was having a conversation about this with a female friend yesterday who was lamenting the fact that she never gets approached in bars, and i told her why, which is the above basically. if you're in a large, loud group of people no one is going to try to interrupt the entire group just to talk to you. two women sitting at the bar together? sure. 5 or 6 of them sitting at a table in the corner, and 2 or more at a glance have wedding rings on or if there are multiple men present? usually not even a second glance in those scenarios. i would wager that most women who wonder why they don't get approached in public places like that don't get approached because they'll only go with a group of 4 or 5 (or more) people. What about a woman that is alone? I am sometimes alone doing work on my laptop Friends will interrupt me, but no handsome strangers.
tigressA Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Friends will interrupt you because you know them, they know their approach will be welcomed. Strangers don't know that at all. They're not going to risk a death-glare/snap-out to approach someone who appears to be preoccupied.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Friends will interrupt you because you know them, they know their approach will be welcomed. Strangers don't know that at all. They're not going to risk a death-glare/snap-out to approach someone who appears to be preoccupied. Yes, I understand that a friend is more likely to speak to me. I was half joking and questioning whether that's a situation where a man is more likely to approach (versus being in a group). What if the woman was just sitting there doing nothing? Or reading a book. I'm curious to know what men would consider "approachable".
FitChick Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 My guess would be that if you were sitting there staring off into space and had an empty seat next to you, it would be permissible for a guy to ask, "Is that seat taken? Mind if I sit here?" If you didn't like him you could say you were waiting for a friend. Otherwise, start chatting.
thatone Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Yes, I understand that a friend is more likely to speak to me. I was half joking and questioning whether that's a situation where a man is more likely to approach (versus being in a group). What if the woman was just sitting there doing nothing? Or reading a book. I'm curious to know what men would consider "approachable". by herself or two women together. the 2 is company 3 is a crowd scenario applies . and in a bar, sit at the bar, not at a table. it's kinda accepted that people sitting at the bar will have others listening to their conversation. that's how conversation gets started, hearing what someone else said and joining in. and for that matter when women have met someone they want to continue to talk to at the bar, sign of interest = "i/we are gonna go to a table, you're welcome to join us if you want". pretty simple bar etiquette that happens all the time ^. no cheesy pickup lines, no worrying about who says what or makes what gestures, just simple.
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