loveburden Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 i asked my partner last night why wants me to get an abortion if i fell pregnant and why it changed from just few months ago that if i fell pregnant he would want me to have it because it would be "our" baby. ( in the beginning of our relationship he wanted to be with me all the time, we were engaged, living together and he wanted to start a family.) his response - " i would not of minded if you fell pregnant because you did not go out as much,or drink and you trusted me and you would do what i asked. i was very hurt and now i don't know what to do. i just don't know how he can change is opinon of me so vastly. i know i got more freedom and courage to do what i wanted as i moved 3 hours away from him for a year but i really did not think that my new found independance would make me less attractive for a family. he had alot of control over me before i left.. i think now that i have moved back he is trying to get it back. do you think it is strange that he no longer wants a baby with me after 3 years? is power and control really what men need over a women before they will start a family?! i need advise!
chryssy83 Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 The reason he doesnt want to have a baby with you is the same reason he isn't married to you (did I read correctly that you were engaged three years ago?). It's because he doesn't see himself with you long term. If you feel like he's trying to control you, that's a whole separate issue from his lack of willingness to commit. He may be holding commitment over your head to get you to submit, in which case it's a blessing you aren't married/don't have a child together because this isn't a good relationship for you.
kaylan Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 (edited) For me, abortion is a womans choice. Not mine, as it is not my body. I will give the girl my opinion on it...but she is free to make her own decision. I have had a pregnancy scare in the past(age 19/20), and I told the girl it was wise for us to get the morning after pill after we slipped up. She declined. Then she was late on her period and I said we should go to planned parenthood and Id take care of the expenses. And she declined, making up some tale of how things would work out and wed still be able to go to school and work and take care of the kid. As we all know, things dont always work like that, and I have seen too many peoples education and career get derailed because they had kids too young. At the end of the whole thing, she wasnt pregnant, which was a god send, especially since she was just a FWB. So this is how it is...If a girl is just a FWB, Im ok with her making the choice for abortion, because id rather not father a child with someone I have no emotions for and see no future with. And its not right for the kid to be apart of a split family. On the other hand, if either of the two girls ive been in love with before had gotten pregnant, I could never be ok with the idea of an abortion. Especially with my last ex, because with her I saw a wife and family in the future...and Id never want to have that taken away from us. Edited December 26, 2011 by kaylan
kaylan Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Just adding something. If a guy loves a girl and sees a future with her, most of the time he will not be ok with an abortion, even if their educational, financial, and housing situations arent the best. On the other hand, if the guy sees no future with the girl, then he will recognize all those potential obstacles and hardships. He will then feel he doesnt want to be tied to someone for life that he doesnt see himself being with.
norajane Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 is power and control really what men need over a women before they will start a family?! No, it's not. It may be that's what YOUR man wants. If so, you're with the wrong man.
CocoaBrown Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 i asked my partner last night why wants me to get an abortion if i fell pregnant and why it changed from just few months ago that if i fell pregnant he would want me to have it because it would be "our" baby. ( in the beginning of our relationship he wanted to be with me all the time, we were engaged, living together and he wanted to start a family.) his response - " i would not of minded if you fell pregnant because you did not go out as much,or drink and you trusted me and you would do what i asked. i was very hurt and now i don't know what to do. i just don't know how he can change is opinon of me so vastly. i know i got more freedom and courage to do what i wanted as i moved 3 hours away from him for a year but i really did not think that my new found independance would make me less attractive for a family. he had alot of control over me before i left.. i think now that i have moved back he is trying to get it back. do you think it is strange that he no longer wants a baby with me after 3 years? is power and control really what men need over a women before they will start a family?! i need advise! If I was with someone for 3 years and he said he would want me to have an abortion if I got pregnant, I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. That would tell me he doesn't care about me or want to be with me long-term. After putting 3 years into a relationship you should have an idea of where it's headed. Did the engagement end after you moved away? What was the reason for moving away? Is that when you started drinking and going out more? I'm just trying to understand why he may have had a change of heart.
FitChick Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 If he wouldn't marry you, he certainly wouldn't want the burden of a baby. Find someone suitable who wants to get married and start a family, like a Mormon, Catholic or born again Christian.
kaylan Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 ^Non religious people want to get married and have kids too. Im an atheist and my atheist friends want the whole settled down family life.
lululucy Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Are you actually arguing with him about whether or not you would have an abortion if you at some point in the future got pregnant? I understand wanting to know if you have a future together but like other posters said, if you were engaged and are not now married, that's a pretty big sign. Arguing over hypotheticals is another big warning sign in a relationship -- my mom and dad once had a huge fight over what they would do if they won the lottery. Planning for a baby is different than wondering what he'd want if you accidentally got knocked up.
Author loveburden Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 i called off the engagement.. we were on again off again engaged for a while. then we split and i moved away to go to university. we were not together for the first few months that i had moved, yes i did go out alot but i was not looking nor did i find someone else.. we got back together, we did LDR for 6 months and now i am back to try and sort things out. he was seeing someone during the time that we were not together. we have continued to sleep together , even through the break - ups, however it was not very often due to the distance. the whole time though i was under the impression that we were still commited to me and that he did not want anyone else, at least that is what he said. since i have returned, everything that is wrong with us is my fault. everytime i have a problem he says i am beliving things in my head and that none of it is true. i know i shouldn't of but i demanded to go through is phone. i saw that he has been in contact with the person he was seeing , there was pics of her, but the thing that really hurt the most was that he has her saved as " My Angel". i was so upset and hurt, his excuse was that he did not want me knowing her name. i was crying. i demanded to go through his email and he has been talking to her for a while, in his email he had her saved under a males names. i ended up breaking up with him. he would not take it though, he was telling me that its not true, that i just make things up in my head and believe it, that im going to loose him and that he can't deal with how bad i treat him and that he deserves better. whenever i have problem , its never him, its always me and my insecurities. i mean all day i have been second guessing myself, he always says that i am negative and distrusting and that no guy will ever put up with me. today i couldn't even touch him or let him touch me, whenever he asked for a kiss i couldnt do it, or i would cringe as i did it.this morning i woke up and i cleaned as an excuse because i did not want him holding me anymore. he has this way of getting out of things and making it look like it is my fault, that its not all in my head and that he has done nothing wrong. i have all this anger, confusion and fustration. he is not honest with me, he has all these secrets and i just don't know what to do. i want space away from him for a few days, when i ask for it though he says that if i do that we are over..
sugarmomma Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 If you want the baby, keep it. Who gives a damn what he wants. If he didn't want a baby he should have taken the necessary precautions. Think about what you want. You don't want to have regrets later.
chryssy83 Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 since i have returned, everything that is wrong with us is my fault. everytime i have a problem he says i am beliving things in my head and that none of it is true. i know i shouldn't of but i demanded to go through is phone. i saw that he has been in contact with the person he was seeing , there was pics of her, but the thing that really hurt the most was that he has her saved as " My Angel". i was so upset and hurt, his excuse was that he did not want me knowing her name. i was crying. i demanded to go through his email and he has been talking to her for a while, in his email he had her saved under a males names. i ended up breaking up with him. he would not take it though, he was telling me that its not true, that i just make things up in my head and believe it, that im going to loose him and that he can't deal with how bad i treat him and that he deserves better. whenever i have problem , its never him, its always me and my insecurities. i mean all day i have been second guessing myself, he always says that i am negative and distrusting and that no guy will ever put up with me. today i couldn't even touch him or let him touch me, whenever he asked for a kiss i couldnt do it, or i would cringe as i did it.this morning i woke up and i cleaned as an excuse because i did not want him holding me anymore. he has this way of getting out of things and making it look like it is my fault, that its not all in my head and that he has done nothing wrong. i have all this anger, confusion and fustration. he is not honest with me, he has all these secrets and i just don't know what to do. i want space away from him for a few days, when i ask for it though he says that if i do that we are over.. Ummm.....you should not be with someone who treats you this way. When you try to set your own boundaries and make your own choices he calls you crazy or threatens to break up with you? He says your feelings are ridiculous. When something is wrong in the relationship he blames you because it's all in your head and he never does anything wrong. He lies and he's apparently seeing someone else...you find proof but that's all in your head, too? Forget space for a few days, you need to break up with him. He's emotionally abusive. And frankly, I think you should consider counseling....it would be good for you to have support from someone who can help you think through things and move forward.
Trimmer Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 If you want the baby, keep it. Who gives a damn what he wants. If he didn't want a baby he should have taken the necessary precautions. Think about what you want. You don't want to have regrets later. I'm pretty sure she's not pregnant - it sounds like all this anxiety is being whipped up over the hypothetical question of what would happen IF she did get pregnant some time in the future.
zengirl Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Unless there was some kind of scare to prompt it, what a weird "test" conversation to even have. I agree this man doesn't sound All-In and is probably leaning one foot out, but why would anyone even ask their SO this? Neither one of you is behaving in a healthy manner.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Look at all these people saying the guy is wrong. I guess they forgot the stigma of being a deadbeat dad or having to pay child support. There are good reasons not to want to have a kid: 1. You're not financially ready to have a kid. 2. You're not mentally, emotionally or mature enough to have kids. 3. You just don't wanna have kids. All of those are good reasons. Just because a man has been in a 3 year relationship with you doesn't mean he should or is ready to have kids. Sometimes women specifically look to get pregnant to snare men. That always leads to disaster. Now that you KNOW how he feels about an accidental pregnancy, hopefully you'll avoid becoming yet ANOTHER of the millions of young girls under 22 having kids with guys who don't want them. Seems to be the norm in society, now. Thank you. Wish I could rep you for this post. There are a crapload of single parents (the majority, most likely) who are in crummy living conditions. The same goes for couples who had kids before they felt ready for it. Children are a huge investment when it comes to money and time. There are way too many sentimental folks who overlook the fact that being a parent is not glamorous at all. You cannot talk to these people because they've got this ideal that children having children is always the best ideal as long as the sex was consensual.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 he had alot of control over me before i left.. i think now that i have moved back he is trying to get it back. do you think it is strange that he no longer wants a baby with me after 3 years? is power and control really what men need over a women before they will start a family?! i need advise! This guy is a skeeze. He is clearly either cheating or trying to cheat. He doesn't love you at all! He may have really been in love with you before you moved... but at this point something has made his feelings change completely. He doesn't love you anymore. Period. Are you actually pregnant? If not... start using birth control with him. For me, abortion is a womans choice. Not mine, as it is not my body. I will give the girl my opinion on it...but she is free to make her own decision. That is the dumbest statement I've ever heard. Do you not use your body to earn money at work? Just wait until your stressing because you can't pay for child support AND rent. Wait until you can't pay and they pull your license, send you to jail, and Big Bubba rapes you. Is it your body then? 9 months is nothing compared to the rest of your life. Women don't make this decision based on 9 months... they look at their whole life... So should you. And... Yes it is your body... you should have a damn strong opinion.
lululucy Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I'm pretty sure she's not pregnant - it sounds like all this anxiety is being whipped up over the hypothetical question of what would happen IF she did get pregnant some time in the future. Unless there was some kind of scare to prompt it, what a weird "test" conversation to even have. I agree this man doesn't sound All-In and is probably leaning one foot out, but why would anyone even ask their SO this? Neither one of you is behaving in a healthy manner. These ~ there are so many reasons someone might not want kids right now, or ever, but arguing over what happens if you get pregnant is so ridiculous and immature. That is the dumbest statement I've ever heard. Do you not use your body to earn money at work? Just wait until your stressing because you can't pay for child support AND rent. Wait until you can't pay and they pull your license, send you to jail, and Big Bubba rapes you. Is it your body then? 9 months is nothing compared to the rest of your life. Women don't make this decision based on 9 months... they look at their whole life... So should you. And... Yes it is your body... you should have a damn strong opinion. What are you talking about ? You can't force someone to get an abortion if they don't want to no matter how little you want to pay child support. All you can do is give you opinion to the woman and hope she feels the same way, or better yet determine it before you get into a relationship with her. It's still your body if you get raped in jail (although I think you're engaging like usual in reductio ad absurdum) but she's the one who is going to stuck with the baby if the guy bails. Never mind the physical toll on you body through pregnancy.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Agreeing about what to do if pregnancy occurs in a relationship is pretty key to a healthy and stable relationship. The "control" stuff is bad. I think that you need to leave this behind. Nothing points to a good future for you with this man.
FitChick Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 i want space away from him for a few days, when i ask for it though he says that if i do that we are over.. There is your "easy out." If he still contacts you afterward say, "I thought you said it was over? I accept your decision. Please don't contact me anymore." Then date other guys. This one sounds like if his Angel dumps him, you will be waiting for him so he won't have to go without sex for very long. Do you really want to be second choice?
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