xMM drama

[noelle303]

I have an almost 10 month old daughter from my relationship with xMM. We have no contact with him whatsoever, we haven't directly spoke since I was pregnant.

 

Now, my life is going good, my daughter is a beautiful, smart, happy, perfectly healthy, crawling little monster and I am finishing up my degree this May/June.

 

A few weeks ago, I was at work, minding my own business, when xMM's colleague (xMM's company is a client of the company I work for, thats how we met) comes in. This guy knew about our affair and once came to my work while I was pregnant to ''fish'' information. He asked me whether I'm free to grab a cup of coffee with him as he has something to discuss. I wasn't free since I had to pick Savannah up from daycare so we made arrangement for a different day.

 

Now, to make things clear, I cut xMM out of our lives, I don't need him nor do I care about him. However, my daughter is one half of him and I owe it to her to accept any contact he initiates...I don't expect it, I don't plan my life around it or hope for it but as I said..if he initiates contact I owe it to my daughter to at least verify what his intentions are.

 

So, I meet with this guy, who tells me xMM moved away (something I suspected) and basically how it is my fault for it, how I drove the family away (I never ONCE contacted him since we split up, I have his number blocked in fact) and how the little fling between us was never meant to break up his family. So we get into a fight about the whole thing and during it I kind of see that he is once again ''fishing'' for information about my life. And I tell him to tell xMM that if he want to know anything about his child, like whether it's a BOY or a GIRL, he can man up and come to me himself.

 

I told my dad about this meeting, my dad is a lawyer and was advising me back when I was pregnant and dealing with this whole mess, tells me to cut him out entirely and make him sign a legal document signing off parental rights (I'm not sure what it is exactly, not that great with legalities as my dad is).

 

On one hand, my dad is right, he was violent to me while I was pregnant, said some horrid things about our daughter and overall doesn't deserve to know my daughter one bit. I don't need him, the two of us are doing great without him and I'm doing my best to be a mom and a dad.

 

However, he is her dad. One and only. He is one half of her, she is going to wonder about that half always. And things like these, with his friend fishing for information are sometimes a little glimmer of hope that he wonders about her and maybe wants to know about her?

 

I don't know...I feel like it's too early maybe to completely sign him off...but then again, how many chances does he get? How many times will I have to listen from his friends how I am the one to blame, how I am the Wicked Witch who ruined everything before I truly decide that he is not worthy of any second chance?

 

Sooo many people always tell me (people who don't know he is married, but just think he's a deadbeat dad)) that I should always keep the door open if he wants to come back and then there are others who say that he had his chance and blew it. But it's so easy to have an opinion when it's not you in the situation. So I try not to talk about it, mention it, reference to it etc. Just living my life, raising my child.

 

Though I have to ask you guys, what would Loveshack do?

[woinlove]

I think you have it exactly right, Noelle. Keep the drama out of your life but be receptive if xMM ever sincerely wants to establish contact with his child. Now that his friend has proven to be a jerk more than once, I would not meet or discuss this with any "messenger" of xMM. If xMM wanted to discuss it himself, I would. Lots of children have a parent who treats others poorly - many are still good or at least okay parents to their child. As long as the child is not being mistreated, most children love their parent anyway and want them in their life if possible.

 

I would not assume xMM is curious about the child per se. He likely knows he could still be on the hook for support at any time, his W could find out, and he may be checking things out to ensure his own comfort.

[Spark1111]

What a hard decision and I do not envy you having to make it!

 

It seems all contact between you and him, and his colleagues, makes it very clear that you are portrayed as the homewrecker.

 

I think your xMM lives in fear that you will force his parental rights and make him liable to pay child support. Why else send a colleague around fishing for info, but then essentially blaming you?

 

What do you want to do? Not xMM, not daddy. What do you envision for your daughter?

 

Because your daughter has rights here too. She is entitled to support from him if that is what you so desire. Did he leave the state making it harder to enforce and collect on her behalf?

 

Maybe Dad is right; you can TRY to make him pay, but you will never be able to force him to be a father to his child, and that is very, very sad.

 

Perhaps someday he will deeply regret it, but right now he is in the run and hide, cowardly mode. Let him go.

 

I think you should cut your losses and gain sole custody.

 

Someday, when she is old enough, IF she wants to contact him it is certainly within her right to do so.

 

But while she is growing up, she deserves to be surrounded by those who want, love and cherish her.

[jj33]

I agree with Woinlove. This isnt contact from xMM its contact from his jack azz friend. You are under no obligation to speak to or meet with his messenger or to take any cr~p from hm just because he works for a client company.

 

If xMM ever mans up and contacts you, you can hear him out. If the friend contacts you, you can tell him you have nothing to say to him outside of your business relatoinship and if xMM wants to contact you, he can email you.

 

the fact that he and his family decided to move is not your fault. The fact that his W may be upset that you bore his child is not your fault. These are his problems not yours. Dont take his problems onboard.

 

Glad you hear you and your baby are doing well

[goldengirl86]

This is a really sad story. I know that i am young but what makes your's and his daughter less important than his other children. This man has some horrible karma coming his way and is a disgusting human being, words cannot even portray what a low life this guy is!!!! He does not even deserve to know your beautiful daughter who is so competely innocent of her parents mistakes and deserves all the love in the world. Too already be hated by her own father before she was even born because she might ruin his perfect little family. :rolleyes:The thought that there are people out there like this who have no sence of honor or integrity and who are obviously pshyologically distrurbed makes me sick.

 

I woud be cruel in the worst possible way towards this man, and do as your father says have a letter drawn up dissolving him of all parental rights! This man as had ten months to step up to the plate and he has not done it, the only way he will do this is by telling his wife and that does not look like it is going to happen. ( I assume she does not know and if she does then shame on her ).

 

Dont leave any door open for him at all, write him a letter along with this legal one saying that you want to make sure that he never enters your child's life as he is obviously not a good role model for that such child (never give him her name or sex, because he deserves to know nothing of her).

 

I know that in retrospect every child deserves to know both there parents, but he does not deserve to know her. This man did not even want her born, he physicallly abused you because he was so scared of losing control over his life. HE DOES NOT DESERVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DESERVES WHAT IN TIME HE WILL GET!!!!

 

You dont want him coming back into our life and taking your daughter when his life falls apart when his wifes finds out, as who knows they might both go for custody. Be smart and do what is in the best interests of your child and that is making sure this unstable psychopath never comes near her, and that friend of his is a disgusting wack job as well and keep him away from you.

 

Good luck, and take care of both her and yourself.

[Emme]

I told my dad about this meeting, my dad is a lawyer and was advising me back when I was pregnant and dealing with this whole mess, tells me to cut him out entirely and make him sign a legal document signing off parental rights (I'm not sure what it is exactly, not that great with legalities as my dad is).

 

Sounds like the right thing to do. He is a man who is still playing games and I am sorry that time has passed. If he signs off parental rights he can't request custody or visitation of her, EVER! If she grows up to question where or who she is use your judgement to decide if it's time to give her the information she needs to seek him out on her own.

 

Normally I am a woman that believes in giving a father his rights. However this comment below lets me know he's not worth it.

 

he was violent to me while I was pregnant, said some horrid things about our daughter and overall doesn't deserve to know my daughter one bit.

[MorningCoffee]

I think it sounds like you handled this as well as possible! Good for you!

 

As for the future, while I agree with the posts suggesting xMM might someday want to develop a relationship with your daughter, and vice versa, for now that doesn't seem likely.

 

Instead, I think the xMM buddy was sent to spy out whether you are in a relationship with someone else who provides you financial support, maybe just to gauge whether you are likely to come after him for child support.

 

Your dad or a good family lawyer can explain further: once a father's parental rights are terminated legally, then in general that also cuts off of any potential liability for CS. Ever. That is a long-lasting consequence.

 

I know this is not the case here, but to illustrate, in an adoption, the new adoptive parent(s) takes over the legal responsibility to raise and provide for the child, and so need the legal assurance termination gives that the adopted child is theirs legally the same as if biologically born to them. Thus, the bio parental connection must be forever severed.

 

But here, there is no successor, so that is something to consider before termination. Your daughter or you on her behalf may someday need to enforce those rights. There is federal law that assists in interstate enforcement and collection of CS, once a state court has made the proper orders.

 

Depending on what state you are in, and where xMM now resides, the law will be clear on how a parent's rights can be terminated. The thing is, if you decide you want to cut off his parental rights, it is a legal proceeding. And even if he is agreeable, it will probably (in my state, it is a must) require a hearing before a judge for approval, after the court appoints someone independent of everyone to investigate and report to the court whether the rights should or should not be terminated. That is based on what is in the best interests of the child, including CS but not exclusively financial considerations.

 

Sounds like xMM would have several marks against him - prior violence, having nothing to do with the child either before or following birth, and so on. Still, some do resist anyway, and it is surely an emotional battle.

 

I think you are doing great!

[MissBee]

Hey Noelle,

 

Great to hear that your baby is happy and healthy Congrats to you on getting your life together and focusing on both of you versus spending your time worried about you and him having a romantic relationship.

 

The good aspect is that you were able to put him behind you and move on in a sense, but the bad aspect is that he is your daughter's dad so can never truly be someone you NEVER think about anymore.

 

First off: His friend was completely RUDE and out of place. WTF?! Is his friend his delegate and proxy??? Why is it his place to tell you you ruined his life and so on??? Not only is he wrong and ridiculous....but it was not his place!

 

I don't think you should engage with his friends anymore. I do think the door should be left open for him IF and when he mans up on his own. I do think you should be able to request a paternity test and all that....ask your dad about the legalities. But I say that until HE approaches you as an adult interested in doing the right thing and owning his mistake....then it is useless to talk to his friends or worry about him.

 

I do think you should consider how to explain this to your daughter when the time comes to do so. As whether or not he becomes a part of her life or not....it's not a "normal" situation and she is going to wonder....so that aspect is inevitable. Ideally you'd want the father f your child to be in her life, and for him to love and adore her...but while that may not happen from her biological dad, you can still have that. Now when you date you CANNOT date for you alone...but realize any man you're with, esp one you marry, HAS to love and adore her too! I think it is important to tell her the truth in bits and pieces with love....and continue to love and take care of her and date men who will do the same. It won't erase the fact about her dad being a MM who wan ts nothing to do with the situation....but it can make that fact less important if she still feels loved and supported.

Edited December 27, 2011 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I think you have it exactly right, Noelle. Keep the drama out of your life but be receptive if xMM ever sincerely wants to establish contact with his child. Now that his friend has proven to be a jerk more than once, I would not meet or discuss this with any "messenger" of xMM. If xMM wanted to discuss it himself, I would. Lots of children have a parent who treats others poorly - many are still good or at least okay parents to their child. As long as the child is not being mistreated, most children love their parent anyway and want them in their life if possible.

I would not assume xMM is curious about the child per se. He likely knows he could still be on the hook for support at any time, his W could find out, and he may be checking things out to ensure his own comfort.

 

This is true

 

While it seems oxymoronic to discuss "men of principle" while discussing As...a man who engages in an EMR and impregnates the OW, then fesses up and does the right thing is more redeemable than one who pulls this cowardly stunt. Then again how many MM really come clean after this happens?

[skywriter]

Noelle,

 

Glad to hear that your daughter and you are doing great.

 

I'm sorry that your exMM's friends feel they have an opinon about your situation. This just stirs up your past with negativies that should be left in the past. If they aren't helping then they're hindering. Who needs it?

 

I say listen to your father. He has yours and your babygirls best interest at heart. At least that's the impression your post portrays.

 

You sound as if you are doing well for yourself too, finishing up your degree. Sometimes, we don't realise that everything happens for a reason and there will come a day when you will able to understand this.