Author Zabs Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Zabs - many thanks for your input , I do see where you are coming from however disagree for the following reasons No matter how obvious I cannot say with 100% guarantee that it is her ringing me private number , even though I had this number for 9 years and ONLY started getting the calls after we broke up I rang her one day private number and in the three years we were together she never picks up private number calls , to my amazement she picked up at the 1st ring and she picked up , I heard her voice and put it down, the next day I received a private number call at the exact time I had rang her , this I feel was her trying to tell me it was her , however like I said no guarantee Well it is obvious to me and everyone else on here Broken:D My ex does the same thing with Private numbers...so much so I have a PHD in understanding it. Mines has been a lot longer than yours though. If she hangs up. Let it go. If she really wants things to work..or the chance at least...she will call from her own number. NYE coming up!! The alternative is to either always 'wonder' and many a brilliant mind was destroyed by mindless meandering in misery...continuing the despair you are clearly feeling or...even be a puppy every time a 'bone' is thrown. Either way spealls DOOM to me.. Just my two pence worth:rolleyes: :DZabs xx
TheJiltedGeneration Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) Its not always that simple. People don't always admit their faults, even if you man up and admit yours. I admitted to my exW that I had some growing up to do and guess what, nothing from her side. If you don't care you don't have to admit anything. going to have to agree from experience with marqueemoon too.. some people have a ego so out of whack "coughex-gfcough" that they are that convinced they are 100% in the right. you can't put a entire gender into one basket. (if this was the case then I don't think I my ex would be acting like she is looking down on me in her ivory castle while not even deigning the idea that maybe she was in the wrong too, mainly because she feels "if she didn't know any better then why should she feel at fault") Individuals have different ways of dealing or feeling with a damaged relationship, so while a few generalizations about our respective sexes are truth to a point, I wouldn't be too quick to apply these relatives to EVERY situation.. ( not saying you are , just to be aware when this does and does not apply to a given situation) I am not sure how much grievance you've had Broken Fool, if you feel you've already done as much as you can do or if you still feel that you had more you could give her.. regardless of what was or is.. The FIRST thing you should do is take a big step back and think hard. "was I comfortable while with her?" or "did I feel I had to dance to her tune or compromise a better part of my being in order to make her happy?" You are letting her back into your live, which means you trust her, and trust she genuinely wants to give this another go. but this also means this could happen again, you get hurt in the same manner again, and then your back to square one, same pratfall but with a larger sense of mistrust for others in general... Maybe things will turn out ok and she will admit her wrongs too.. but also be aware she might not even mean them... even worse she might use that as a opportunity to throw some recriminations at you if you're expecting her to lay down the gauntlet just after you have divested yours.. You can try and re-establish contact, just be aware of what that could implicate. I've guess you've known her for a long time so maybe she will be earnest with how she feels, then again after being alone for a while she might just want to pick you back up due to the fear of the big bad world being all alone.. Don't mean to spook you out, or present you with even more fears, just answer her calls if you feel you KNOW her well enough to want pick up the pieces for the RIGHT reason, and not just because she can't process the idea of being alone and needs you to be her lifejacket..... people do some very weird things when desperate ( myself included ¬_¬...) ... Just KNOW in yourself that this will work, weigh the + and - if you have to... It's hard because essentially you can't predicate what will happen and in essence your making a massive gamble.. best thing I can say is that if you do go for it, just know in yourself that you will be at least prepared and capable of coping with any fallout should the break up happen again.. which is something that for most of us is very hard too do... Edited December 27, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration
betterdeal Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I was asked today the very same.. but these are the things to consider.. Neither one wants to look like they 'gave' in Both are trying to teach the other the 'meaning' of respect They are in NC When one comes forward...the other backs off I answered like this... Back off...do nothing. This will show the true feelings in play behind all the drama. People cannot hide true feelings for long. It is a game however you perceive it..but you don't have to 'make' a move in order to 'take' your move. I was accused of being unsupportive and uninterested. I think it was sound advice. What would you advise? Comments welcome! Much love, Zabs xx:cool: Tell them to listen to Blu Cantrell's advice:
BrokenFool Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Zabs & Wilson - Let me give some more information so you can advise me 100% , i wont go too much into the story June 2010 - she invites me to meet her friends which I do, afterwards she tells me how much they liked me etc and how happpy it makes her, fast forward a day and i get annoyed that she dropped my call and disappeared for 2 hours , just annoyance we talking about and i am DUMPED July - she creates a profile on a matrimonial site, i spot it because i BROWSE that site not because i am on it, she immediately deletes her profile to give US another shot , this lasts a few weeks and i am dumped again Sept we get back together and we have a 6 week trial to see how things go between us, 5 weeks into it I say something to her and she uses that as a excuse to break up again with me Each time we break up the process would be delete from facebook, blackberry messenger, whatsapp, straight away ignore every call and every text Fast forward to January - We break up and I send her messages and calls which are ignored, i send her emails to her phone which she then cries about to my friend and says i got her in trouble at work says i have embarassed her at work by sending her 5 emails to her work phone tells my friend to tell me to **** off and says tell him if he thinks it was over before its more than over now March - i get a new job and contact her via text to let her know i have a job , she replies via text saying she is happy for me , i say can we talk, she says no i would rather keep things as they are, she tells me she is with somebody else now she says your the one who showed me its wrong to stay in touch with a ex and thats what i would like to do ( this a reference to her staying in touch with her ex behind my back for all our relationship) i then say you know what good luck to you i hope he makes you very happy and all your dreams come true and backed away 6 weeks later - 7 private number calls one morning starting at 07.56 May - nothing June 2 calls July 2 calls August 15 calls I pick up nobody answers , but i am scared to contact her TheJiltedGeneration - Thanks for your input . I do see what you are saying and you are right i need to take a step back abnd look at things , I was dancing to her tune, walking on egg shells for fear of her breaking up with me again but i love her and thats the truth and i really feel she loved me otherwise she wouldnt hav stayed with me 3 years however her actions sometimes showed she hated me if i am honest and im not making excuses wilson i really dont know what to do , i do feel she regrets the way she burnt the bridges between us and maybe would like to reconnect to talk but if im honest if i spoke to her and she told me she is with somebody else or was engaged etc i wouldnt be able to take the hurt so i wont contact her but zabs the next private number calls i get i will answer them but i dont think she will stay on the phone long enough or answer if i ask is it you , 2 weeks ago i changed my profile pic on facebook to a pic she loved, within 2 hours i got a private number call on facebook and a anonymous view on linkedin a week later she changed her profile pic to a new pic of her i dont know it she was trying to say to me hey i am doing fine without you aswell or saying hey you look beautiful i am beautiful we make a nice couple god knows , will the new year bring happiness or us getting back together or will she or has she already moved on with somebody else , like i said earlier she is talking every day and night with the 21 year old across the road whom she dumped me for calling ugly, would she go out with somebody 11 years her junior god knows did she leave me for him - god knows was she emotionally cheating on me with him - yes chatting to him on facebook and bbm before we broke up if she rang me i would not know what to say to her honestly zabs - if you could expand on your ex giving you private number calls that would be appreciated lets do a poll - who do you think i should contact her
TheJiltedGeneration Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 oh messy... very messy you guys seem to flux back and forth into being together and being seperated to a culimated point where she "emotionally cheats" on you as you put it.. sorry but a good foundation of a relationship is not to be half hearted and it sounds to me that she's not secure in any choice she has made ( to the point that dumping is a easy way out each time).... and just works on impulse... sorry friend I think through the tone of my post you know what I think you should do.. but tbh it doesnt sound like you'd be happy even if u guys got back together.. especially with the fear of history repeating it self lingering as it's own backdrop. surprised you put up with all that just so you two could be together ( the things we put up with just so someone can say they love us huh?) I may not have authority in what I advice as I don't know the whole history but I really don't think this dance of death thats occurring is going to end so you might as well take the initiative and end it yourself.... that's all I can say on that I am afraid..
Author Zabs Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) believe me Broken ...you don't want to know..my situation was at best difficult and I don't talk about it anymore I'm afraid. My experience has taught me that if you can detach yourself for long enough from a situation...it is much easier to tackle...bias does not help in dealing with such. All I can say is enter the world of anonymity when you truly want someone backjust longs it out. It can become more sinister and when you want out..that's not necessarily what you'll get. Take your move...but don't play it. I wish you much success Zabs xx Edited December 27, 2011 by Zabs
BrokenFool Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 TheJiltedGeneration Thank you for your insight and words Let me try work through your words and maybe you can sense the internal conflict which is going on inside my heart Half Hearted & Secure In Her Choice - I always felt this, she would break up with me ,sometimes for things as simple as October 2010 Her: Can I ask you something Me: Sure ( despite the fact we are broken up , conversation via text) Her: Please dont lie to me have you met somebody else Me: No because I havent been looking a couple of weeks later we are back together why did she feel I had found somebody else ? she had dumped me, when I had tried talking to her she had ignored me and told me to leave her alone and that made her feel because i had not contacted her i had met somebody else Fast Forward Jan 2011 She is on a matrimonial site, logging on every day , changing her profile pics on there we get talking again and she re adds me to facebook but restricts me from seeing her friends list this obviously made me feel maybe she has added somebody on to her facebook friends list from that matrimonial site and doesnt want me knowing i go for a job interview and she texts me in the morning good luck in the afternoon i text her to say thanks how did your interview go she asks too long to explain i say ring me and ill explain i am going to be busy for the next 3 days she says ill ring you afterwards so then i ask Me: can i ask you something , have you met somebody from that site Her: I am sick of your crap, get out of my life, deleted from facebook, blocked, deleted from whatsapp and blocked (both blocks remain in place till this day hence my reluctance to try contact her) calls ignored , texts ignored etc i text - i asked you the same question you asked me a couple of months back so what is so wrong with me asking that , even as a friend if somebody had asked you how are things going on that matrimonial site any joy ? you would not react like this so yeah her attempts at being with me were always half hearted she could not commit to anything , i would before getting back with her ask her if she was 100% sure and highlight why some of the things she needs to do in order for my insecurities to not come up again, she would commit and change nothing her decision to break up with me did not seem secure either as IF i didnt break NC and ask for her back and simply disappeared she would use the most strange reasons for us to get back in one break up one day 5 calls from her and a text saying please call me so i do , to be met with tears , a long lost relative has passed away abroad , somebody she probably met once in her life and had no strong connection to and she says so and so has passed away and it got me thinking about how nice you are to me, how you stand by me and i think ive been too hasty and we should get back together , are you sure i said, dont just say it for the sake of saying it , because everytime you come back into my life and then do this to me again its like you pick me up carry me back up the mountain giving me hugs and kisses and throw me off again , yes im sure she says 2 days later i asked her something via text and she says no fine i says have everything your own way dumped Fate I truly believe in it, its part of my religion, id seen examples of it in my life, we met, we had the same surnames, the same birthmark next to our eyes, we did the same job, had the same grades from gcse all the way up to degree, the first time we met we unknown to the other bought each other a small gift, the SAME gift, our birthdays were a day apart, we later realised her uncle had been married to my cousin and had come and stayed with me at my flat at uni - we were so suited like a glove and yet she never ever saw that , she couldnt have for her to have walked away so frequently so often without any care for me ,never the first one to make the move ( because she said she knew i would do it) never the one in the wrong, never the one to say sorry , saying she never told me about staying in touch with her ex because she didnt want to lose me ( why would you be scared of losing something you are choosing to throw away every 6 weeks or so ) first 6 months she was full force lets get engaged, when i objected and said lets get to know one another first and let the dumpings stop her interest in getting engaged to me dwindled and YET she kept going out with me for 3 years so yes if i got back with the same woman i wouldnt be happy so in that sense i dont know what i am grieving , im more happier, more calmer than i ever was with her at the same time if in these 12 months she has realised things whatever they may be , her wrongs, the grass was not greener, grown up, matured and had changed and committed I KNOW deep down in my heart 100% we would be awesome together - but I will only take that risk IF SHE reaches out to me and shows me she remembers all the good things i did for her, the nights i stayed awake looking after her, the times i supported her and stood by her through thick and thin, forgave her, made effort - SHE HAS to reach out to me for that to happen and if she doesnt then it hurts me LESS living my life without her because i value myself MORE I have a responsibility to myself , my happiness, my future first and then her and i know the qualities i have would be loved by any girl who didnt have the insecurities and baggage from past relationships and daddy issues that she had if time passes by and she doesnt reach out so be it i can live with that rather than i give in contact her she tells me everything my ears want to hear and then hurts me again, the fact that my facebook is being looked at and she has the need to let me know she has seen my new facebook picture by giving me a private number call shows im close to her heart but she has to act on her feelings if she loves me The dance of death - I will end it trust me I am so much stronger now than i was when i first started posting on LS, in the next few months I plan on sending her cheques for the remaining amount of money she GAVE me and then HELD against me - that should show her who i am , in this day and age people dont return £100 that was given to them as a gift especially to someone who dumped them in such a horrible way and never looked back so to say ive given her £10000 back is a massive thing she will have to live with, my phone contract ends in Feb and I am not going to be renewing it so she wont have a number to contact me on, From Jan 1st I am going to make my facebook profile private so slowly slowly i am going to take away her route back to me and IF SHE loves me and can join the dots and see that having feelings for me 12 months later is an indication of what we had fair enough and if she cant fair enough whatever will be will be And i agree with the other posters on here that ok 90% certain it is her giving me private number calls but WHY thats the question surely if she had realised she loved me and still had feelings for me she would not have the need to hide her number and would ring me and just say hey can we talk or sorry because of this i wont be the first one to contact her TheJiltedGeneration - I did put up with it, for 3 years and i really dont know why , i am a good looking lad educated to masters level confident plenty of admirers yet i stayed and took her emotional and verbal stick because i loved her and because u wanted to prove her wrong The time apart showed me i dont need to prove her wrong, my loved ones those who KNOW me know who i am , what i am and what i stand for and i should have loved myself more than her Zabs - I can appreciate not wanting to talk about it and i am sorry if i brought up any past painful memories by asking you to My move is patience - wait it out and if she moves on then i really wasnt worth as much in her eyes as she was in mine you can love someone from afar, you can love someone unconditionally do everything for them and get nothing back in return , you can love somebody so much where you drive 600 miles to see them for 30 minutes, where you rush to get them food at the drop of a hat or rush to the petrol station at 4am for painkillers because they have stomach cramps , or spend £2000 on somebodys birthday and not even get a birthday card in return and not utter a word or change how or how much you love them i know you can because i did it for 3 years Peace xxx
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