Zabs Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I was asked today the very same.. but these are the things to consider.. Neither one wants to look like they 'gave' in Both are trying to teach the other the 'meaning' of respect They are in NC When one comes forward...the other backs off I answered like this... Back off...do nothing. This will show the true feelings in play behind all the drama. People cannot hide true feelings for long. It is a game however you perceive it..but you don't have to 'make' a move in order to 'take' your move. I was accused of being unsupportive and uninterested. I think it was sound advice. What would you advise? Comments welcome! Much love, Zabs xx:cool:
chados Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I was asked today the very same.. but these are the things to consider.. Neither one wants to look like they 'gave' in Both are trying to teach the other the 'meaning' of respect They are in NC When one comes forward...the other backs off I answered like this... Back off...do nothing. This will show the true feelings in play behind all the drama. People cannot hide true feelings for long. It is a game however you perceive it..but you don't have to 'make' a move in order to 'take' your move. I was accused of being unsupportive and uninterested. I think it was sound advice. What would you advise? Comments welcome! Much love, Zabs xx:cool: bad day zabs.. i agree with this though
Philosoraptor Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I'd just worry about myself. No need to worry about anyone elses perception when you find internal happiness.
BrokenFool Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Zabs I asked the same question just a few weeks back break up 12 months ago - weird game started in April she will give me private number calls when i answer she puts it down i give her private number calls when she answers i put it down i change my facebook profile pic she gives me a private number call to let me know she likes it then changes her profile pic to pictures where it almost seems like she is trying to say something to me im scared to contact her in case im misreading the signals and she tells me she is engaged or with somebody else she is probably scared to contact me for fear of the same how does this deadlock break ??? i am tempted to do as you say and wait as I would never have thought she would be doing these games especially after the way she left me so i hope she breaks soon and says something however it has been a year so i dont know
wilsonx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 (edited) Easy... very easy, you break tit for tat by being the bigger person and admitting your faults to the other person and acknowledged they were right and you had to grow up. Guess what they will do right afterwards, they will admit their faults. Tit for Tat is now broken This is the fundamental flaw I see in almost every single poster here on LS, everyone is selfish. I was at one point too. Its called letting go Swallow your pride and be the bigger person Quote of the Day : Winners never quit, and quitters never win Edited December 26, 2011 by wilsonx
wilsonx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 broken fool, you have two choices, quit being a coward and call her like a man or you can let it go. women dont like cowards
BrokenFool Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Wilson - first of all your a legend on here and I have followed your story and to have you advise me is a privilege I tell you why I can't contact her and I'm not a coward 150 times I made the FIRST move to make things better between us, the fact that we even got to 3 years is testament to me Even though it's obvious it's her calling me private number I can't say that with 100% guarantee can I She didn't break up with me because I needed to fix things about myself , I suspected her and mistrusted her because she lied to me for 18 months and stayed in touch with her ex behind my back and disappeared for nights and kept on dumping me - what do I need to change about that ??? She said she didn't feel anything for me anymore , she told me she had moved on with somebody else - so you imagine I've misread the obvious signals and contact her She doesn't answer She tells me she's with the guy still an getting engaged etc - I now look like a prick who can't get over his feelings after a year and she has the ego stroke of me breaking NC and contacting her Yes I have made a resolution that any more private number calls I will answer them and say her name see if she speaks But I can't make the first move and if that makes me a coward sir I can live with that You can love someone and still carry your life on I don't need to contact her The private number calls are validation enough that she painted me wrong Wilson - if you could read my backstory and comment I would be very grateful Belated happy Christmas
wilsonx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Wilson - first of all your a legend on here and I have followed your story and to have you advise me is a privilege I tell you why I can't contact her and I'm not a coward 150 times I made the FIRST move to make things better between us, the fact that we even got to 3 years is testament to me Even though it's obvious it's her calling me private number I can't say that with 100% guarantee can I She didn't break up with me because I needed to fix things about myself , I suspected her and mistrusted her because she lied to me for 18 months and stayed in touch with her ex behind my back and disappeared for nights and kept on dumping me - what do I need to change about that ??? She said she didn't feel anything for me anymore , she told me she had moved on with somebody else - so you imagine I've misread the obvious signals and contact her She doesn't answer She tells me she's with the guy still an getting engaged etc - I now look like a prick who can't get over his feelings after a year and she has the ego stroke of me breaking NC and contacting her Yes I have made a resolution that any more private number calls I will answer them and say her name see if she speaks But I can't make the first move and if that makes me a coward sir I can live with that You can love someone and still carry your life on I don't need to contact her The private number calls are validation enough that she painted me wrong AHHHHHH, Im going to teach you something, you need to change. Every poster on this forum, needs to change, everyone of them, dumpers included. No one is perfect, I am a legend because I changed. I was the same as you when I first came here, I cant believe my ex contacted her ex behind my back and talked to him and slept with him (I was there....been there done that). I cant believe my ex did this or did that. How can I trust her. Lets go through this one by one. Ill be your ex. First off, you are making an excuse as to why you cant make the first move. You are convincing yourself that you have done this 150 times and that you are unsure whats going to happen the 151 time. You are scared. Whats a synonym for being scared? Next up is the private number calls, you are being just as crazy as she is. Both of you are being crazy together and doing the same thing, calling each other from private numbers, did you not read my story? My craziness and my ex's craziness? Theres no such thing as a coincidence. Now you put labels on someone and criticize them, how does that make them feel? How does it make you feel if someone tells you you are a liar and a cheater even though you may have done nothing wrong? So she was talking to an ex? So what? Have you put yourself in her shoes? She was probably looking for a way out of the relationship or looking for emotional security. This is something you cant provide her if you dont understand her and accept her. All women are scared insecure girls on the inside, all of them. They want emotional security. All guys want respect, you have to EARN respect though. You want to know how to earn respect, you give her emotional security through intimacy. Dont ever believe what your ex tells you. Look at her actions! Shes calling you from a private number. My ex told me the biggest ****ing lie to my face "I love him with all my heart move on" The fact is, I know this is a lie. Shes never going to admit to her ex boyfriend that shes doing worse then you are. Your ex is doing the same thing, shes never going to admit that. This is how women operate, the sooner you understand the more successful you will be in the rest of your life. Ill teach you a little lesson, women need their ego strokes, thats why she left you in the first place because you werent stroking hers good enough. Let this be a lesson to you. Prove me wrong, write down something you want to say about yourself that you changed and give her a call. Tell her, hey how are you? I just wanted to give you a call and say, you were right about this about me. I am sorry I did this to you. If you would like to hang out sometime and grab a coffee/beer, I would enjoy that. My ex agreed to meetup with me after the first email i sent her. This is why I am a legend, because I can put my new found super powers into use. I stop seeing things from my own perspective and look at others perspectives for the untold story thats there.
BrokenFool Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Wilson - first of all thanks for your input it means a lot and you talk so much sense life is too short however In the first month I asked her if she was ringing me private number she said NO So why would she admit it now - like I said even though it's obvious and I have picked up and spoken and she put it down I have no guarantee it's her The calls are hard to figure out June -2 July -2 August -15 Sept- 1 where i picked up and nobody spoke After that 2 months of NOTHING Then she's back in November strong Fake Facebook account Text from prepaid phones Calls on a Sunday to highlight it was her and not work related calls In march she told me she was with somebody else and happy I was not the one for her etc she ignored all my calls all my texts got a guy to pick the phone up lied and said I had got her in trouble at work by sending her FIVE emails to her work phone She had a little admirer a lad 11 years her junior across the road from her house and when I said I didn't like her talking with him she dumped me , a few months later when I was asked do you not like him because he fancies me and I said no because I think he's ugly I got dumped again , she's now talking to him everyday on the phone multiple calls and late night chats so I get the feeling she could be going out with him so I will not contact her Don't get me wrong Wilson never would I have thought a year later I would be getting private number calls and fake Facebook requestss and text messages etc I never thought she would bother at all in the manner she left me and how she treated me burning all her bridges in the process however she in my heart has not done anything substantial enough to show me that she is single or that she misses me or would like to talk to me in anyway , I feel when she gets a trigger to remind her of me she gives me a half hearted private number call and that's ALL this is I owed her some money and posted her two cheques she sat on the cheques for 6-7 weeks I had to contact her to see if she had received the cheques and her texts back to me were sharp one word answers I then left her a voicemail back in September saying it's time to let go of the past and hatred let bygones be bygones and she never replied to me so I am under no illusion if I was to contact her she would ignore me and get the ego streak she may want Also what message would I be sending her ???! You can treat me bad dump me and do whatever in the 12 months apart and I will still be here waiting like your little puppy ???? She has to do something more substantial for me to RISK losing all the power I have gained back by being NC for nearly a whole year minus 2 incidents Will she have the guts to do that ???? I don't know One part of me thinks with th private number calls etc Facebook account request text asking me if I am single indicates she isn't with anybody and going into 2012 she may think right I am going to be 33 this year I am gonna go for it and contact him see what happens Or She might think right I've given him signals made it obvious he hasn't contacted me maybe he is with somebody else and make her new year resolution to not try again All I know is feelings don't just die and go away if she still has them after 12 months then surely her longing for me will get worse and she will come out into the open So for them reasons Wilson I will not contact her
wilsonx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 (edited) all i see is a wall of excuses of a boy not wanting to be a man. You are going to be 33 years old and acting like a 12 year old boy I am also going to ad, your an idiot, shes trying to get your attention but you are so self absorbed that you do not see it Edited December 26, 2011 by wilsonx
BrokenFool Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I'm scared to contact her I'm not going to lie Scared of what her reaction will be Scared I have read this wrong Scared she will tell me she's happier without me , still with the other guy etc Scared it will send her the wrong message by me coming back She still has me blocked on whatsapp and Facebook Wilson , so if she really wanted to give me a hint to contact her surely she would unblock me ?? I will meet you halfway , short of contacting her the next private number calls I receive I will answer and if the person hangs on long enough I will ask ex is it you and if she speaks then she speaks I believe you know what I mean when I tell you I gave this girl my all and I really mean it from my heart when I say she will never find anybody who will do the things I used to do for her but SHE chose to leave my life for the 150th time and surely at some point she has to learn that her actions could result in her losing me one day Wilson when you love somebody unconditionally you want them to be happy and for all their dreams to come true even if that doesn't involve you Thanks for your input though I really respect and value your opinion , if you ever get chance to read my posts when I first came on LS you will understand why I am scared to contact her Whether it was BPD, insecurities , trust issues or feelings for her ex but there was something not right in our relationship from day one , at the same time for somebody who was eager to get engaged and married I don't believe she would have spent 3 years with me , I can't think I'm a rebound as it lasted 3 years I don't feel she loved me I'm not sure of anything anymore But thanks anyway , will keep you informed
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) more excuses........................................................... ............................................................................. ............................................................................. ............................................................................. your words are irrelevant, your actions are relevant. Am I the only sane person on this forum? Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I then left her a voicemail back in September saying it's time to let go of the past and hatred let bygones be bygones and she never replied to me so I am under no illusion if I was to contact her she would ignore me and get the ego streak she may want Also what message would I be sending her ???! You can treat me bad dump me and do whatever in the 12 months apart and I will still be here waiting like your little puppy ???? She has to do something more substantial for me to RISK losing all the power I have gained back by being NC for nearly a whole year minus 2 incidents Honestly, what power have you gained? You've healed, that is obvious, but you have not gained any power sitting in the shadows playing games. Will she have the guts to do that ???? I don't know One part of me thinks with the private number calls etc Facebook account request text asking me if I am single indicates she isn't with anybody and going into 2012 she may think right I am going to be 33 this year I am gonna go for it and contact him see what happens Or She might think right I've given him signals made it obvious he hasn't contacted me maybe he is with somebody else and make her new year resolution to not try again All I know is feelings don't just die and go away if she still has them after 12 months then surely her longing for me will get worse and she will come out into the open So for them reasons Wilson I will not contact her So you will lay low in the shadows waiting for her to come out? What if you miss your chance by waiting? What if she does want you to make the first move? So what if she doesn't, it's been 12 months. Like you said if she is still longing for you after that amount of time I doubt you would mess up any chance of getting back together. Take the risk and contact her or walk away, it's your choice.
BrokenFool Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Wilson You are the only one with the guts and courage to go for it - irrelevant of the outcome I am no where near that strong Read my initial posts and if you still think after reading them that she loved me then ok I will contact her and let you know what happens Ps: answer me this then when I contacted her about he cheques when I left her the voicemail about letting bygones be bygones why did she not see that as a opportunity to get us talking again and try initiate contact with me ? She always suspected me of being on a certain matrimonial website and in June I got a text saying Hi is this BrokenFool from such a such site .... I knew it was her the minute she sent it Recenty I got a text saying Cxxe I knew it was her Didn't respond to either because knowing her if I contacted her and asked her she would say no it was not me So why is she eager to know if I am on that site or single ??? Surely if she does not love me she shouldn't be bothered Fake Facebook request - again knew it was her why does she want to know who's on my friends list ? What I've been up2 Anonymous views on my linkedin profile - why is she interested if I have found a job ? Where I am working I am really really scared to contact her I would rather live without her knowing she is happy than give her the feeling of power by contacting her Also she said to me go stalk somebody else , called me possessive by contacting her I feel I am backing this up that's why I won't Thanks anyway Wilson hope your well God bless Ps I believe what's written for you won't go past you What's destined for you will come to you even if it's under two mountains if it's not written for you it won't come to you even if it's between your two lips
marqueemoon4 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Easy... very easy, you break tit for tat by being the bigger person and admitting your faults to the other person and acknowledged they were right and you had to grow up. Guess what they will do right afterwards, they will admit their faults. Tit for Tat is now broken This is the fundamental flaw I see in almost every single poster here on LS, everyone is selfish. I was at one point too. Its called letting go Swallow your pride and be the bigger person Quote of the Day : Winners never quit, and quitters never win Its not always that simple. People don't always admit their faults, even if you man up and admit yours. I admitted to my exW that I had some growing up to do and guess what, nothing from her side. If you don't care you don't have to admit anything.
GaelicSoul Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Wilson You are the only one with the guts and courage to go for it - irrelevant of the outcome I am no where near that strong Read my initial posts and if you still think after reading them that she loved me then ok I will contact her and let you know what happens Ps: answer me this then when I contacted her about he cheques when I left her the voicemail about letting bygones be bygones why did she not see that as a opportunity to get us talking again and try initiate contact with me ? She always suspected me of being on a certain matrimonial website and in June I got a text saying Hi is this BrokenFool from such a such site .... I knew it was her the minute she sent it Recenty I got a text saying Cxxe I knew it was her Didn't respond to either because knowing her if I contacted her and asked her she would say no it was not me So why is she eager to know if I am on that site or single ??? Surely if she does not love me she shouldn't be bothered Fake Facebook request - again knew it was her why does she want to know who's on my friends list ? What I've been up2 Anonymous views on my linkedin profile - why is she interested if I have found a job ? Where I am working I am really really scared to contact her I would rather live without her knowing she is happy than give her the feeling of power by contacting her Also she said to me go stalk somebody else , called me possessive by contacting her I feel I am backing this up that's why I won't Thanks anyway Wilson hope your well God bless Ps I believe what's written for you won't go past you What's destined for you will come to you even if it's under two mountains if it's not written for you it won't come to you even if it's between your two lips Hi BrokenFool, Happy Christmas. Do you want your Ex back?
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) Its not always that simple. People don't always admit their faults, even if you man up and admit yours. I admitted to my exW that I had some growing up to do and guess what, nothing from her side. If you don't care you don't have to admit anything. Women dont want to hear words, they want to see it. There's a saying put up or shut up You want to win her back, show her you are doing better then she is, show her she made the mistake, dont say it, thats how you win her back... thats the key... Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx
marqueemoon4 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Women dont want to hear words, they want to see it. There's a saying put up or shut up You want to win her back, show her you are doing better then she is, show her she made the mistake, dont say it, thats how you win her back... thats the key... I agree thats the case sometimes, but if the other person doesn't care what you do and is with someone else it doesn't matter.
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) If you feel the fat lady has sung, then go ahead and give up... Ive read your thread, Ive watched her actions. Ive also watched your actions. Ive even posted in your thread, fyi if theres drama still, she cares.... Little hint Also, if shes in GIGS, your toast until that runs its course. All you can do is go LC with kids, no drama, grow up and plant seeds Edited December 27, 2011 by wilsonx
marqueemoon4 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 If you feel the fat lady has sung, then go ahead and give up... Ive read your thread, Ive watched her actions. Ive also watched your actions. Ive even posted in your thread, fyi if theres drama still, she cares.... Little hint Also, if shes in GIGS, your toast until that runs its course. All you can do is go LC with kids, no drama, grow up and plant seeds I believe she does not care at all. I don't know what she's in, all I know is she is with another person and claims she is happy. My feelings for her will never die, but the fat lady sang a long time ago. I deserve better than her anyway.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 more excuses........................................................... ............................................................................. ............................................................................. ............................................................................. your words are irrelevant, your actions are relevant. Am I the only sane person on this forum? Nah, I'm here too, I'm just not around as much.
Author Zabs Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Zabs I asked the same question just a few weeks back break up 12 months ago - weird game started in April she will give me private number calls when i answer she puts it down i give her private number calls when she answers i put it down i change my facebook profile pic she gives me a private number call to let me know she likes it then changes her profile pic to pictures where it almost seems like she is trying to say something to me im scared to contact her in case im misreading the signals and she tells me she is engaged or with somebody else she is probably scared to contact me for fear of the same how does this deadlock break ??? i am tempted to do as you say and wait as I would never have thought she would be doing these games especially after the way she left me so i hope she breaks soon and says something however it has been a year so i dont know I guess if it were me...WHEN she calls you...answer. If it comes up private number...don't say 'Hi ****' just say 'Hi/Hello'. Why do I say this? Because SHE KNOWS YOU KNOW it's her. You want a reconciliation. SHE WANTS a reconciliation so there's no point handing out the consequences act now. It's been a year! How much more punishment do either of you need? Take it from there. Much love Zabs xx:cool:
Author Zabs Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 This is why I am a legend, because I can put my new found super powers into use. I stop seeing things from my own perspective and look at others perspectives for the untold story thats there. :laugh:Oh Wilson! You make me laugh! I love your choice of vocab and humour:cool: Gotta ask you though...You don't wear tight red undies over tights do you though? Please tell me NO! Much Love, Zabs xx
BrokenFool Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Zabs - many thanks for your input , I do see where you are coming from however disagree for the following reasons No matter how obvious I cannot say with 100% guarantee that it is her ringing me private number , even though I had this number for 9 years and ONLY started getting the calls after we broke up I rang her one day private number and in the three years we were together she never picks up private number calls , to my amazement she picked up at the 1st ring and she picked up , I heard her voice and put it down, the next day I received a private number call at the exact time I had rang her , this I feel was her trying to tell me it was her , however like I said no guarantee When I texted her about the two cheques I had sent her she gave me cold one word answers back , in sept when I left her a voicemail saying let bygones be bygones and forgive each other and asked after her and her niece she ignored me and didn't reply or get back to me - this in my heart isn't the actions of somebody who wants a reconciliation More than anything for a girl who broke up with me every 6 weeks for THREE YEARS, never made the first move to fix the relationship, never cared, this is just a attempt to see if she still has power over me , alleviate her guilt or just see if I am ok or keep me on the backburner On the other hand you wouldn't be ringing somebody private number , monitoring their Facebook which I know she is doing a YEAR later if you haven't got feelings for them , she burnt ALL her bridges but if she still had feelings for me surely she would pluck up the courage and contact me ???? For them reasons I won't be the one to break the deadlock because I could contact her and look silly if she decides she doesn't want me anymore etc and I won't risk my healing progress GaelicSoul - thanks for your input , yes I do want her back I don't know why I don't even know what I had with her was it real was it all a lie this girl would find reasons to break up with me and we not talking about physical things we talking about I said the wrong thing or she thought I was thinking a certain thing I never had ONE period of 6 weeks where I wasn't dumped yet up until 6 months before the final break up I was meeting her friends and she was happy they liked me so I really don't know what I meant to her but all I know is I do still feel great love for her and feel we make a good couple and their was nothing that happened between us that should have broke us up, she thought the grass was greener maybe it wasn't Wilson - they aren't excuses trust me if she showed me ONE CLEAR sign she wanted me without hiding behind private number calls and other sim cards and fake Facebook accounts then I would put my heart on the line and contact her Marqueemoon4 - I think you will find Wilson is talking about my post so please post your story on a separate thread or on here , I don't mind so we can see if their are any similarities between our story and thank you for agreeing with me My ex told me in March she was now with somebody else ( 90% this was untrue) but this is what she told me so I have to go by that and respect her new relationship so I can't contact her Thank you all for your help I really thought I would be over her by now and the calls etc are stopping my healing
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Read your name again.... Broken Fool... you are living up to that name, you have 2 people now telling you to do something but you are still broken and dont see it. I made a really good friend off this board HeartOfaPhoenix and you reminded me of him. (yes we even cuddle over the internet, he likes being the little spoon). I use to make fun of him because he gets these crushes and then makes 100 reasons why he never talks to the girls he has a crush on. Hes 21, you are 33. He has a crush on a girl at dunkin donuts and always has an excuse as to why he doesnt go in and talk to her. Its a new random excuse everyday. He said he saw her the other day and I said did you go in and talk to her, he said no because I was with my parents but she was making an effort to come say hi but I couldnt do it. I showed him this thread and asked him again why he did not go in and talk to her and he gave me another excuse. Then I pointed out how hes just like you and he got pissed. You are doing the same thing, excuse after excuse after excuse. You are afraid to take a risk. He's 21 years old, you are 33. Whats your excuse now? Even zabs sees the same thing I see but guess what, you make another excuse waah im scared waah she hurt me. Grow up....sheesh
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