lilyblue Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 So my ex and I were heading towards getting together (but were not dating) last fall when the ex-wife showed back up and wanted to get back together. They did, and failed soon thereafter. The summer we started dating for real and a month later (when she heard about it?) she came back again asking to get back together. That was 3 month ago and they're still together. She was jealous of me during their marriage - thought he was cheating on her with me. They friended on facebook a couple of weeks ago and a couple of hours later I was unfriended and the pictures of me were deleted. If this had been his idea I would have think he would have done those things in the opposite order. It seems like she may feel insecure about me and she gets jealous whenever he starts to get close? Clearly he is not blameless here, it takes him jumping back to her to make this happen. But it seems like it might have something to do with her not wanting anyone else (maybe especially me?) to be with him? Or maybe third time's a charm for them...
chados Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 So my ex and I were heading towards getting together (but were not dating) last fall when the ex-wife showed back up and wanted to get back together. They did, and failed soon thereafter. The summer we started dating for real and a month later (when she heard about it?) she came back again asking to get back together. That was 3 month ago and they're still together. She was jealous of me during their marriage - thought he was cheating on her with me. They friended on facebook a couple of weeks ago and a couple of hours later I was unfriended and the pictures of me were deleted. If this had been his idea I would have think he would have done those things in the opposite order. probably, since he jumped between the two of you.. you deserve better.. i really feel for you lilly.. the breakup came out of nowhere. its the worst of all breakups. same thing happened to me.. and i realize that i made the decision for her.. met her yesterday and now im not feeling great anymore.. but its much easier to handle it now. still mixed signals:p
KathyM Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 They obviously still love each other if they are trying to work it out together. Don't waste your time waiting for a guy who is still hung up on his ex-wife. Sometimes people don't realize how much they love their spouse (or ex spouse) and want to save their relationship, until someone else comes into the picture and they are faced with never having their estranged spouse in their life again. I think in this case, it's probably more a matter of wanting to keep a guy whom she still loves, and they are now setting up boundaries to protect their relationship, one of which is deleting you from his fb. Don't waste your time waiting for a guy who is still in love with his ex-wife.
Author lilyblue Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Thanks Chados. Sorry you're not feeling that great now. Every once in awhile when a specific incident occurs I can make myself feel a little better thinking that this is the worst I'm going to feel about this particular thing. The initial reaction is always the hardest for me. Thanks also for your response Kathy. I know it's all about how it's spun... I could think "she obviously doesn't love him anymore because she was so cold and heartless to leave him without any warning". She was the one who left. She has dated others. But feelings don't just disappear I guess. I've gone back to someone before because I thought things would work better. They didn't, but it all worked out in the end. I have been that jealous ex before - I hated seeing one of my previous ex's with another woman and wanted him back more than anything. We eventually got back together, and it didn't work, but at least we are both fine with the outcome now. I can't imagine a third try bringing anything different to the table (all in less than a year, so no significant time for change really) but maybe they are happy this time, who knows I guess. His friend says he is in "his own world" right now. Could be honeymoon, could be anything.
chados Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Thanks Chados. Sorry you're not feeling that great now. Every once in awhile when a specific incident occurs I can make myself feel a little better thinking that this is the worst I'm going to feel about this particular thing. The initial reaction is always the hardest for me. Thanks also for your response Kathy. I know it's all about how it's spun... I could think "she obviously doesn't love him anymore because she was so cold and heartless to leave him without any warning". She was the one who left. She has dated others. But feelings don't just disappear I guess. I've gone back to someone before because I thought things would work better. They didn't, but it all worked out in the end. I have been that jealous ex before - I hated seeing one of my previous ex's with another woman and wanted him back more than anything. We eventually got back together, and it didn't work, but at least we are both fine with the outcome now. I can't imagine a third try bringing anything different to the table (all in less than a year, so no significant time for change really) but maybe they are happy this time, who knows I guess. His friend says he is in "his own world" right now. Could be honeymoon, could be anything. im not sure that i want her back, but i do feel that ive lost someone that i value. i traveled 1 year 5 months ago. around 1 week after i arrived my father got sick, he cant walk or speak anymore. my ant died 1 week after, and my grandma died just a few weeks after that. after my father got sick he was paralyzed for some months, so with the knowing that i couldnt help him in any way i continued to travel. when i got back i met this girl "my ex". i guess its more then just a former girlfriend you know
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 im not sure that i want her back, but i do feel that ive lost someone that i value. i traveled 1 year 5 months ago. around 1 week after i arrived my father got sick, he cant walk or speak anymore. my ant died 1 week after, and my grandma died just a few weeks after that. after my father got sick he was paralyzed for some months, so with the knowing that i couldnt help him in any way i continued to travel. when i got back i met this girl "my ex". i guess its more then just a former girlfriend you know I know what you mean - in my situation, while I *think* I still want him back, I KNOW that I lost someone that I value and made my life so much happier and better. I'm sorry for all the stuff you've been through, sounds like a rough time period for sure.
M2155 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Lily what is your question? Is the removing you from Facebook inspired by jealousy? Didn't we talk about this already:cool: IF this was done at her request (and you can't be sure of that), it's not because she was jealous, it's because she saw you as a threat. So here is a man who doesn't want her to leave him again, so he is going to do whatever he can to make her feel secure. You can't know for sure Why they broke up at any time since you only know his side of the story. For all you know, he pulled some cowardly I-don't-know-how-to-communicate-like-a-mature-adult antics with her and she made a move. I know you want to defend his character because of how you choose to remember him, but the friend version is almost always less complicated than the relationship version his ex wife deals with. You hardly got to know the relationship version. But more importantly, none of it matters. Get used to life without your old friend because he doesn't exist right now. He made a choice and went about it in a cowardly way. KathyM says it very well, he's still hung up on his ex. Love is a battlefield and I guess we were casualties (I know, corny:p)
fificremefarben Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 So my ex and I were heading towards getting together (but were not dating) last fall when the ex-wife showed back up and wanted to get back together. They did, and failed soon thereafter. The summer we started dating for real and a month later (when she heard about it?) she came back again asking to get back together. That was 3 month ago and they're still together. She was jealous of me during their marriage - thought he was cheating on her with me. They friended on facebook a couple of weeks ago and a couple of hours later I was unfriended and the pictures of me were deleted. If this had been his idea I would have think he would have done those things in the opposite order. It seems like she may feel insecure about me and she gets jealous whenever he starts to get close? Clearly he is not blameless here, it takes him jumping back to her to make this happen. But it seems like it might have something to do with her not wanting anyone else (maybe especially me?) to be with him? Or maybe third time's a charm for them... I think you're right, Lily. Jealousy definitely has a lot to do with it. I'm going to be careful here, cos what I'm about to say could easily be misconstrued, lol. I think when we have so much history with somoene (and they had the marriage connection), it's almost as though you see them as "yours" (this is what I mean about it sounding weird. I don't mean that so strong in the sense of being overly possessive). My ex and I were each others first EVERYTHING and, although it probably sounds stupid, when my ex admitted to me about the other woman, i would drive myself crazy with thoughts of this woman wrapping her arms around "my" boyfriend (not that he was anymore, but you know what I mean). We'd been so wrapped up in each other for years that the thought of him having that connection with someone else made me feel a bit ill. I'm sure that what your ex's ex-wife feels. She probably likes to cling onto the fact that he's still "hers" and doesn't like to see him with anyone else. Even if she doesn't want him all the time, she probably doesn't like seeing him with anyone else.
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Lily what is your question? Is the removing you from Facebook inspired by jealousy? Didn't we talk about this already:cool: IF this was done at her request (and you can't be sure of that), it's not because she was jealous, it's because she saw you as a threat. So here is a man who doesn't want her to leave him again, so he is going to do whatever he can to make her feel secure. You can't know for sure Why they broke up at any time since you only know his side of the story. For all you know, he pulled some cowardly I-don't-know-how-to-communicate-like-a-mature-adult antics with her and she made a move. I know you want to defend his character because of how you choose to remember him, but the friend version is almost always less complicated than the relationship version his ex wife deals with. You hardly got to know the relationship version. But more importantly, none of it matters. Get used to life without your old friend because he doesn't exist right now. He made a choice and went about it in a cowardly way. KathyM says it very well, he's still hung up on his ex. Love is a battlefield and I guess we were casualties (I know, corny:p) Ha, yes, we did do the fb thing by itself before I guess my question was more: does this relationship keep happening because she doesn't want him with someone else. It wasn't really a question about fb, just fb as an example that she is likely not secure (not bashing her at all, I can only guess I'd do the same in the situation). I agree the friend version is likely a lot less complicated. I guess I'm just full of regret that this all happened. I wish I had known just not to get involved.
M2155 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 I agree the friend version is likely a lot less complicated. I guess I'm just full of regret that this all happened. I wish I had known just not to get involved. A painful part of it for me, because I can logically see where my ex was wrong, but it's hard not to feel angry that you fell for this. It's not our fault but I felt like a f*%#ing idiot for just smiling along when he was reuniting right under my nose. I felt so stupid all those days he didn't call or respond excusing it because I was so "understanding" that he was busy. BS. Men that want to be with us don't treat us this way....or rather men that deserve us. Anyway my point is the self-reflection hurt (for me particular having a longer relationship) almost as much as the rest because you want to blame yourself for allowing this to happen. But you can't change it and regret what you did or didn't do, thats no way to move forward. You can learn from it or let it consume you. I learned a lot and now say dear God please send less painful life lessons in the future.
goldengirl86 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Honesty it did not work the first time or the second time then why the hell would it work the third time. She obvioulsy does have a hold over him!!! However, he cheated on her with you ( no judgement at all, been there). Let them stew in there own mess, they honestly sound like teenagers! Yes they could be happy, but once that honeymoon phase of fighting for her man is over, what have they got left a nasty little infection that is spreading through there intire relationship! However, done of that matters because you deserve better if he comes back around once ther relationship is back to its crappy self, if that happens it may not then tell him to shove off! This guy is not a keeper, and you can do better! If she wants him then let her have him.
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Lily, were you in a relationship or ended a relationship right before this guy or during the time this guy came into the picture? Because this smells like deep deep infatuation
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 A painful part of it for me, because I can logically see where my ex was wrong, but it's hard not to feel angry that you fell for this. It's not our fault but I felt like a f*%#ing idiot for just smiling along when he was reuniting right under my nose. I felt so stupid all those days he didn't call or respond excusing it because I was so "understanding" that he was busy. BS. Men that want to be with us don't treat us this way....or rather men that deserve us. Anyway my point is the self-reflection hurt (for me particular having a longer relationship) almost as much as the rest because you want to blame yourself for allowing this to happen. But you can't change it and regret what you did or didn't do, thats no way to move forward. You can learn from it or let it consume you. I learned a lot and now say dear God please send less painful life lessons in the future. Yeah I can definietly see how that would be really painful, and I'm sorry. I don't think that in my case it was happening for long before he disappeared, but who knows I guess. I think I blame myself for letting it happen to though - like if I had just not "given in" to dating him for a little while longer, then he could have just gotten back together with her before I was attached to him. Of course, then I'd probably be kicking myself that I didn't give it a shot while he was single. But that seems a lot less painful. I'm still looking for what to learn. Don't trust people is all I've come up with!
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Honesty it did not work the first time or the second time then why the hell would it work the third time. She obvioulsy does have a hold over him!!! However, he cheated on her with you ( no judgement at all, been there). Let them stew in there own mess, they honestly sound like teenagers! Yes they could be happy, but once that honeymoon phase of fighting for her man is over, what have they got left a nasty little infection that is spreading through there intire relationship! However, done of that matters because you deserve better if he comes back around once ther relationship is back to its crappy self, if that happens it may not then tell him to shove off! This guy is not a keeper, and you can do better! If she wants him then let her have him. Sorry for the mult-posts. I don't know how to do all the quotes in one post... I so wonder how it could work the third time, but I guess it is so far. And just to clarify - he didn't cheat while he was married. She just thought he did, but we definitely weren't anything more than friends at that point. They've been together since they were teenagers... maybe they just never moved past that point. Thanks for the empowering post
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Lily, were you in a relationship or ended a relationship right before this guy or during the time this guy came into the picture? Because this smells like deep deep infatuation Not when he originally came into the picture, no. I met him years ago while he was married and we were just friends. I honestly wasn't attracted to him back then, or had any thought of dating him. I've dated others in the meantime. Before we started dating, yes, I was in a relationship.
Teuen101 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 You had to know the risk of all this , but again when we are head over heels and think we are in love we do stuff we shouldnt and ignore our gut feelings. write this one down as a lesson learned and find a good man. and never talk to this loser again. has to be some one nice you once liked
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Not when he originally came into the picture, no. I met him years ago while he was married and we were just friends. I honestly wasn't attracted to him back then, or had any thought of dating him. I've dated others in the meantime. Before we started dating, yes, I was in a relationship. I smelled this a mile away and actually saw your post in the second chance forums. I know what this is. This is deep deep infatuation and there's another lovely term that a lot of people on this forum are accustomed too. Your story reminded me of another poster on this forum thats very popular now and you and this person share this same tendency, walking away from a relationship for a married man only for the married man to go back to his wife. The funny part is I know how this plays out too. You will find out in time
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) I smelled this a mile away and actually saw your post in the second chance forums. I know what this is. This is deep deep infatuation and there's another lovely term that a lot of people on this forum are accustomed too. Your story reminded me of another poster on this forum thats very popular now and you and this person share this same tendency, walking away from a relationship for a married man only for the married man to go back to his wife. The funny part is I know how this plays out too. Oh just to clarify, he is divorced. I'm sure I've idealized him now that he's in the past and did his disappearing act, but while we were together, I honestly thought we had a shot. I didn't walk away from my previous relationship because of this guy, we mutually ended it because we just weren't going to get married and be in it for the long haul. It had very much run its course and that ex would definitely agree. Edited December 27, 2011 by lilyblue
wilsonx Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 So how long were you 2 together, the divorced guy? How did you think it had a shot?
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) We weren't together long, a month and a half. We had a lot in common, but enough differences to keep it interesting, we had (what felt like) a solid backbone of years of friendship but had also developed attraction, our personalities "clicked", we had similar lifestyles, similar goals, both very active (planned on running the Rockies), loved each others' families (had known them for years), just felt like we knew each other so well that there was a certain level of comfort and "rightness" about it. Obviously that was incorrect. Edited December 27, 2011 by lilyblue
Recommended Posts