Boundary Maintenance

[BoredAgain]

Setting up boundaries can be a thrilling experience. Friends, relatives, or significant-others can sometimes cross a line in the relationship, and you have to stand tall to push them back. It can be uncomfortable, but it usually ends well. Not only do you get a self-confidence boost after standing up for yourself, but you also get to see how much the other person cares about the relationship when they agree to respect your boundary.

 

There were many instances of this with my ex-girlfriend, but I recall one which felt particularly dramatic. Just over a year into the relationship, we were in the car, and she was angry and frustrated about something going on in her life. Then, as people do sometimes, she misdirected that anger and frustration, and I became the target.

 

This had been a problem in a previous relationship, and I was not about to let it happen again. So I immediately made it clear that this was not okay. I told her that I wasn't her punching bag for when things go wrong in her life, and I said that I wasn't going to take it. I then turned the car around to drive her back to her house. She very quickly became silent. Then she started sobbing and apologized, and I told her that it was fine as long as it didn't happen again. We hung out afterward, and I still remember it being quite a happy and fun day. ...oh, and this was never a problem again in our relationship.

 

Unfortunately, I now realize that my boundary-setting skills had been slipping over the last 1-2 years. For example, a recurring problem had always been that she would change plans without my knowledge --- for instance, she'd tell me she would come over to my place at 9:00 AM, but she'd call at Noon apologizing for being late because she had decided to sleep in late, go to the gym, do some homework first, etc. Things like this would happen all the time.

 

Early in the relationship, I enforced this boundary more. After all, I don't care if she wanted to change plans, but I don't want to be kept waiting for HOURS (because that feels like she simply doesn't respect my time). But somewhere along the way, I let it slip. I began to enable this behavior. I would "expect" her to be late and make sure I had stuff to do while waiting for her. I'd be pick her up 30-60 minutes earlier than I told her so I wouldn't be waiting (not just waiting for her to get dressed or something, but there were times I showed up and she wasn't even home!). Etc.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why I started to let these things go, but now randomly throughout the day I think of new boundaries I let erode or boundaries that I failed to set up over the past couple of years. Did this lead to the eventual breakup? I don't know, but it certainly didn't help. I still think of our relationship as being a mostly healthy and happy one, but now I realize that most of the "unhealthy" and "unhappy" moments were due to poor boundary maintenance.

 

So let that be a lesson.

Edited December 26, 2011 by BoredAgain

[TaraMaiden]

....So, let me get this straight:

are you saying that anyone going out with you has to adhere to a rigid set of inflexible rules?

That's what you seem to be saying boundaries are. A line to not be crossed. there is no grey area, here....

Do you intend to establish what your prospective future GF's boundaries will be, and assure her completely that you will never 'cross the line'....?

 

Remember boundaries are different to principles....

 

Boundaries have a gate somewhere along the line, that swings both ways....

Principles are (or should be) pretty much solid walls.....

 

So are you discussing 'boundaries' - or 'principles'....?

[BoredAgain]

....So, let me get this straight:

are you saying that anyone going out with you has to adhere to a rigid set of inflexible rules?

That's what you seem to be saying boundaries are. A line to not be crossed. there is no grey area, here....

Do you intend to establish what your prospective future GF's boundaries will be, and assure her completely that you will never 'cross the line'....?

 

Of course not.

 

I mean there are some lines that should simply never be crossed. Such as, I'd instantly dump a girlfriend who tried to murder me in my sleep. That's a pretty extreme example, I know, but I'm just pointing out that some "rigid" and "inflexible" rules are a good thing.

 

Other than that, crossing boundaries is a pretty normal part of any relationship. I'd even guess that most of the time its innocent. When I was a kid, I directed a "your mom" joke at a friend whose mom had died (I'm guessing I didn't know about it). He told me that it wasn't cool, I felt horrible, all was forgiven, then I was extremely careful to not do anything like that again.

 

That's pretty much it: boundary crossed, boundary enforced, relationship strengthened. So, no, you don't need to "establish what your prospective future GF's boundaries will be." Rather, you should expect that boundaries are going to be crossed occasionally. You just have to make sure you enforce them, otherwise you're just letting them walk all over you.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course not.

I mean there are some lines that should simply never be crossed. Such as, I'd instantly dump a girlfriend who tried to murder me in my sleep. That's a pretty extreme example, I know, but I'm just pointing out that some "rigid" and "inflexible" rules are a good thing.

That's not a boundary. that's written law, so really, you're right. it's an extreme example, and not one up for consideration....Law is rigid for a reason, and is geared to society, not the individual.

 

you're discussing matters which are geared to individuals and what they bring - or refrain from bringing - to a relationship.

 

Other than that, crossing boundaries is a pretty normal part of any relationship. I'd even guess that most of the time its innocent. When I was a kid, I directed a "your mom" joke at a friend whose mom had died (I'm guessing I didn't know about it). He told me that it wasn't cool, I felt horrible, all was forgiven, then I was extremely careful to not do anything like that again.

That's not crossing a boundary. that's a 'faux pas' you made, unaware of the circumstances. It's a natural mistake to make, so you didn't cross a boundary, you just spoke out of ignorance of the facts. Facts are inflexible; in this case the fact was - the mum had died.

Boundaries aren't inflexible.... they're a moveable feast.....

 

That's pretty much it: boundary crossed, boundary enforced, relationship strengthened. So, no, you don't need to "establish what your prospective future GF's boundaries will be."

 

On the contrary, I think you do. Someone crossed yours, but she already knew what it was. That's lack of respect.

 

When you cross someone's boundaries - without knowing where or what they are - then that's ignorance of the facts.

Crossing another person's boundaries when you DO know what they are, is making assumptions. You assume you have a right, because of your place in that person's affections, or because you expect to be tolerated, or forgiven.....that's taking the other person's good nature for granted....

 

Rather, you should expect that boundaries are going to be crossed occasionally. You just have to make sure you enforce them, otherwise you're just letting them walk all over you.

Precisely my point. Which is why I believe you need to be aware of another person's boundaries, so you don't create problems in the form of 'faux-pas' and ignorance.

[BoredAgain]

You can't have a boundary against attempted murder because it's also illegal? It's an extreme example, therefore it doesn't count as an example? Crossing a boundary isn't actually considered crossing a boundary as long as it's an accident?

 

Your entire post makes so little sense, I don't even know where to begin... so, on second thought, I'm not going to bother.

[TaraMaiden]

what a shame. I was so enjoying our little conversation.

 

I also think there's an issue of semantics, here....

 

But if you don't want to continue, fair enough.

 

Sorry I tried to engage....

[wilsonx]

bored you are too early in the breakup process to understand what tara is saying and what you are saying as well. You are just confused and its ok

 

Right now you are in the black and white thinking section of the breakup, trust me, been there done that. If I would have had this same conversation with tara 5-6 months ago, I would have seen the same outcome that you did.

 

Just give yourself open boundaries and space to figure out what is going on in your head/body. There's no rush to put this in place.

 

As for Tara's response, I agree you are discussing laws.

 

I am going to give you a quote I came up with last month in dealing with women...i have to find it

Edited December 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

In order to deal with women, you need boundaries for yourself to allow what you want in and to push everything else away. It doesnt mean push her away.

 

I posted this in another persons thread on dealing with a woman with a "Hot" Temperature but this deals with all women in general.

 

#1 you set down boundaries at the very beginning. Shows you haven't let go of the past. You are still harboring and walled off to the possibility of the same outcome of something else that has happened.

#2 you said you spoiled her, what did you spoil her with?

#3 you do not understand how to handle someone like her, you do not do it with boundaries, she's a hot person, she needs a mellow cool person to control the wild waves of her ocean, until you understand how to control yourself and ride within the wild waves of her ocean, you are never going to be able to survive. You sunk once and twice. You need to learn how to be a master ocean navigator, study take classes etc for yourself first. Once you figure this out, you will be able to handle whatever ocean you decide to sail upon

 

There is one person on this forum that understood what Number 3 is. One person.

 

I am going to show you how to do #1. Its very easy. You need to learn to let go of things that bother you about that person. Their actions, should not cause you pain, if it does, its actually your pain and they had no involvement in it. You can not be angry at a person who performed an action that you did not agree with and caused you pain. You have to put yourself in their shoes and figure out why they did it and then figure out why it caused you pain.

 

I am not going to discuss #3, I want you to write it down and figure out what I am saying. I gave you a hint with #1 It could take you months, even years to understand what #3 means but its ok, you will have that lightbulb moment and be like wow its clear

Edited December 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[Teuen101]

love this post willson so true

[BoredAgain]

Wilson -- Your post, as far as I can tell, has nothing to do with my situation. I can only assume that you've grossly misunderstood my post (as has Tara, apparently), so maybe I'm just simply being unclear.

 

By "boundary" I simply mean some sort of personal you have in specific relationships. Of course, they vary depending on the person and the relationship in question. Some boundaries are sensible, but sometimes they aren't and should be adjusted. Some boundaries are rigid and inflexible, others are some give. Etc. There's lots of grey area here, so I don't know what you're talking about.

 

As I said, I can only assume you're confused by my terminology. Case in point, your insistence that "don't try to murder me" isn't a boundary because it is illegal... that makes no sense. As far as the justice system is concerned, you're totally free to continue dating somebody after they try to kill you. Your personal boundaries, on the other hand, will probably tell you something different.

[wilsonx]

Give us an example of a boundary that you would have in a relationship

[BoredAgain]

Give us an example of a boundary that you would have in a relationship

 

If a friend asked to borrow a movie for a night but never returned it, I would let them know that such a thing is not okay with me. In this circumstance, setting a boundary would generally be pretty easy. I'd just say, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you could get that movie back to me tomorrow. Thanks."

 

Even with this situation, there's tons of grey area. If the friend was going through a personal tragedy at the time, I might just let it go. Or if I bought the movie used for 50 cents, I probably wouldn't care at all. On the other hand, maybe it was a special edition that cost 50 bucks. Or maybe I wanted to watch the movie and this is the fifth time this friend has forgotten to return it. I could go on and on, but you get the point... lots of grey area.

 

I think the problem with letting boundaries slip is pretty obvious, even in trivial examples like the one above. If you have a friend who borrows things and neglects to return them over and over and over, but you never enforce the "please respect and return stuff I lend you" boundary... well, then you're just letting that person walk all over you.

[wilsonx]

Ok with all these grey areas.... how would you enforce the boundary

[BoredAgain]

Ok with all these grey areas.... how would you enforce the boundary

 

There's no one "always correct" method of enforcing all boundaries in all circumstances... that's what having a grey area means. It's obviously going to depend on a number of factors (all of which vary from relationship to relationship).

[wilsonx]

Ok lets go to your previous relationship boredagain, and I remember in one of your threads

 

you talked about how your ex would talk about her day but when you talked about yours, what did she do? and how did that make you feel? and what did you do about it?

[MarMarMar]

Do you mean things like not being okay with cheating in a relationship as a more strict one and maybe not being okay getting hammered as a less strict one?(For the drinking one not being okay to do it all the time but allowed on occasion)

[TaraMaiden]

Boundaries, Standards, Principles....

 

I think i've listed them in order of stringency.

 

 

Let's define each one:

 

boundaries:

 

(Personal boundaries) Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around her and how s/he will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries

 

Standards:

stand·ard   [stan-derd] Show IPA

noun

1.

something considered by an authority or by general consent as a basis of comparison; an approved model.

2.

an object that is regarded as the usual or most common size or form of its kind: We stock the deluxe models as well as the standards.

3.

a rule or principle that is used as a basis for judgment: They tried to establish standards for a new philosophical approach.

4.

an average or normal requirement, quality, quantity, level, grade, etc.: His work this week hasn't been up to his usual standard.

5.

standards, those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable: He tried to live up to his father's standards.

 

Principles:

prin·ci·ple (prns-pl)

n.

1. A basic truth, law, or assumption: the principles of democracy.

2.

a. A rule or standard, especially of good behavior: a man of principle.

b. The collectivity of moral or ethical standards or judgments: a decision based on principle rather than expediency.

3. A fixed or predetermined policy or mode of action.

4. A basic or essential quality or element determining intrinsic nature or characteristic behavior: the principle of self-preservation.

5. A rule or law concerning the functioning of natural phenomena or mechanical processes: the principle of jet propulsion.

6. Chemistry One of the elements that compose a substance, especially one that gives some special quality or effect.

 

Standards change, according to our age.

what is considered an acceptable standard for a 2-year-old, would not be expected in a 12 year old, for example.

 

Boundaries become highly personal, particularly in our teens, when we're developing our future characteristics and temperaments, and being honed and shaped by peers, circumstances, ethics, local customs and attitudes....

 

Principles develop once we reach a mature stasis of adulthood. We use our judgement, discernment and morals to evaluate what we will accept - and not accept in our lives.

This category actually covers matters of law. (Hence my attempted analysis of your definitions....)

we will not accept betrayal, personal harm, or harm to those we hold dear, we will not accept lying or theft.... we will not accept slander, or malicious actions designed to deliberately and wilfully undermine who we are.

 

We all have these qualities, and many times, they overlap and meld, seeping one into the other....

 

you see, what I was trying to establish is whether your grey areas, as you call them, could simply be classified as a weakness on your part, rather than as an infringement on theirs....

 

If you choose to tolerate something, how far does the other person know they can go, before you find their overstepping, intolerant?

 

Never mind letting them know - do you know?

And does it vary person to person?

 

Odd and incredible as it may seem to you - I really am trying to offer some framework of assistance, here.....