AwptiK Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 (edited) Alright, I just erased a huge book, to start over. There is a lot of detail behind this story, so ask if anyone needs a little more. This girl is 22, a coworker of mine and she has a 2 year old son. I'm 20. We've been on and off for the past 5 months. We started talking in August when she was newly single and agreed to go slowly, but naturally, things just developed a lot faster over the month than she was okay with. So we backed off. Since, we've been on and off. Things have always developed naturally, and issues on both our parts have slowed them down and periodically ended them. Mostly, things have ended because i've been a little pressuring. The past two weeks things have been great. We've both matured a lot and been extremely open, so that's really helped things. A lot of our "cycles" haven't been more than just constant talking for a few weeks and being lightly physical. No kissing, no dates, etc. This time we've been kissing (first time since September), we've been calling each other nightly, occasional sexual pictures from her... I'm out of town until New Years, but after I get back we're going on a date. For the first time since August, i'd say we're "talking". She seems to be on the exact same page, she voices her opinion on where things stand and how they're developing every so often. I've matured a lot and been a lot more of a "let it ride" type of person. She'll be blunt and slow me down if i'm doing too much or trying more than I should be. I think in the past i've invested too much too soon as well, which has pushed her away. This time it's pretty even. So, that's enough of an idea of where things are now and a little about the past. My dilemma, is her not being ready. I've come to accept that and i'm not here to ask for ways to move past that. That has to come on it's own and i've even accepted it may be a long time before she can commit 100%. She has a son, she has a ton on her plate, she has a baby-daddy who occasionally stresses her out. What a deadbeat. (No, I won't be around waiting...after our past, I enjoy things right now and enjoy how they're growing, so I will ride it out until it turns into a relationship or turns south again, but I am moving on if things don't work out.) The reason i'm posting, is because she's comfortable with how things are. I didn't ask her directly about things tonight, but I said something related and she said "I just like things the way they are." I don't blame her - we're dating, without the tags, the officialness, the stress, the commitment. I enjoy things a LOT and we are exclusive, but I want more. The way I see it, right now she has no reason to give me more. I don't know what to do. I'm fun and stress free and she always has a blast around me and talking to me. Any thoughts or ideas? [One quick edit to add about her comfort.. Occasionally when things have ended, i'd become very NC. I'd be as distant as I could outside of work, and she would come after me very strongly. It's immature of her, but she'd make comments via text, that she KNEW would get a response from me. Example, after I didn't reply to a text, a few hours later, "I was just trying to be nice. I guess that won't happen again." She's that way when things are off, yet, she gets too comfortable when things are where they are now.] -- One disclaimer... I really don't want to hear any rebound/toy/used comments. I know her very well, we've had our share of a roller-coaster and it's made us very open. She's been through hell in her life, she doesn't do that to others, she's VERY blunt. We had a rough ending in November, in which I was pretty hurt, and from then on we've been VERY VERY clear about where things stand. Edited December 26, 2011 by AwptiK
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Read it, but this leapt out at me.... (. . .) [One quick edit to add about her comfort.. Occasionally when things have ended, i'd become very NC. I'd be as distant as I could outside of work, and she would come after me very strongly. It's immature of her, but she'd make comments via text, that she KNEW would get a response from me. Example, after I didn't reply to a text, a few hours later, "I was just trying to be nice. I guess that won't happen again." She's that way when things are off, yet, she gets too comfortable when things are where they are now.] It's immature, full stop. These are classic mind games with specific moves - and actually a form of control... Heres the 'game': You both row. You go no contact. (move one.) She texts you. (move two.) You ignore. (move three) She becomes [according to you] 'immature' and sends a silly text that, and I quote, "she KNEW would get a response from me". (move four). Here's the thing: the reason this is a game is that if she texts something she knows will get a response from you - then you're not really acting in a mature way if you then respond. you're using a form of control.... By going no contact in that way, you're just sulking, and waiting for her to play the 'poor little me' card... at which point, you play in to the game and 'give in'. That's a choice YOU make. Because there isn't actually anything being said for you to respond to. It's her controlling trivia. she doesn't do something she knows will yank your chain, you wait until your chain is yanked, because then that's your cue to make the next move. this is a classic case of two young, inexperienced people, trying to find their feet - and themselves, by playing a type of ping-pong. That's natural, because while I'm sure you both feel you have a handle on things, you are both still extremely young, immature and not as worldly-wise as I think you seem to believe you are. You're constantly testing each other, hence the tumultuous up-and-down relationship. You're both attempting to establish a definitive role for yourselves, and to see how the dynamics work. Who has the upper hand, and who is compliamt. In actual fact, there should be a mutually strong dynamic. And right now, as things have been, neither of you seems intent on seeking a happy compromise..... (. . .) We had a rough ending in November, in which I was pretty hurt, and from then on we've been VERY VERY clear about where things stand. No. it doesn't seem like it to me.... Just more of the same old same old. And how was she feeling? Do you know, for sure, or are you just viewing that episode form your own standpoint? See, a really functional relationship helps you both grow together, intellectually, sexually and unconditionally. How's that working for you?
Author AwptiK Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Hmm, yeah I totally understand and agree. To your very last part, I did have a good bit of her side, as told by her, it isn't all speculation or just my side. But I see everything now, falling in place with the "moves" you listed. What do I do from here? My original plan is to just ride things out... Thank you for your reply and insight. You made things a lot clearer than they have been.
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