PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 There is this guy who has an interesting profile. He contacted me, but I told him that I wasn't interested in meeting him, because I didn't like his age preferences. I've been a bit torn about it, because he seems to know a lot and meeting him could be really entertaining. I was thinking about telling him upfront that I don't want a date with him, because of the age preference, but that we could meet as friends. There have been a couple of issues though and I'm not sure where to place them. 1. I never arrange first dates in advance. I had actually already agreed to just meet despite his age preferences (I said, "Ok, let's meet then." I didn't really make it sound like I wanted a romantic date with him.), but then he went on and on about my refusal to arrange dates (and I gave him an explanation why I don't like them). He didn't like the idea of me or him just meeting spontaneously, he wanted it arranged. 2. We got into other discussions including why I disliked certain age preferences. The whole conversation ended with him calling me bitter and a troll (the second time). He placed a smiley at the end of it, but I'm still somewhat irritated. I used to have a friend, a very, very smart guy who was really interesting, but somehow really narrowminded sometimes. That guy reminds me of him. I broke off contact with my friends years ago, because I just couldn't take the way he sometimes tried to control me. He also had a crush on me once and his jealousy was difficult to take. I do miss the conversations with him though. Am I too picky? Should I just meet him?
HughHardcastle Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Wait, how are you guys going to meet if it's not planned? You have to KNOW where to meet up!
Lonely Ronin Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 What's the big deal with his age preference?
Dust Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I don't understand what you mean by his age preferences. What are his age preferences? How old is he, and how old are you?
HughHardcastle Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I am guessing he's probably an older man who is into the 18-21 year olds.
KathyM Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Don't waste your time with guys who are not a match. Life is too short. The women I know who went against their better judgement and dated guys who they knew up front were not what they were looking for, ended up regretting it.
FitChick Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Why would you bother communicating with someone so annoying? He should be trying to attract you, not drive you away. Next!
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Wait, how are you guys going to meet if it's not planned? You have to KNOW where to meet up! I usually suggested to meet like in a hour or two. I don't plan anything days in advance.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 He is 36 and he had something like -12/+1 in his profile.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Why would you bother communicating with someone so annoying? He should be trying to attract you, not drive you away. Next! Because he's actually interesting... But ok, I remember the fights I had with my friend. They were just awful. We were constantly arguing. He thought he could overcome his emotional dependency on me by overwhelming me intellectually. Ok, I'll give up on this idea...
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Don't waste your time with guys who are not a match. Life is too short. The women I know who went against their better judgement and dated guys who they knew up front were not what they were looking for, ended up regretting it. I'll let this one go, but out of curiosity, most people will tell you to keep an open mind and give people a chance. That's not what you would recommend? I'm probably more on the unforgiving side and I do wonder if I shouldn't loosen my tight grip on my expectations.
curlygirl40 Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 What have you got to lose, actually? Some of your time and the price of a drink or whatever? You're not wondering if you should get in a relationship with him, it's just a meeting. I say go for it. I don't think his age preferences are that bad, actually. It's not like he's looking for 18 year olds. I don't know the other details but if he has never been married and looking to start a family eventually, it makes sense that he would look for girls younger. If you haven't met and haven't talked on the phone, you could be misreading his personality and you might be pleasantly surprised, hard to say for sure until you meet him.
chryssy83 Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I am usually all for meetin someone to see how it goes, but I think you've got enough of a bad feeling about this one to let it go. If he called you a bitter troll when he should be trying to woo you, then I don't want to think about where that is headed.
CocoaBrown Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I'll let this one go, but out of curiosity, most people will tell you to keep an open mind and give people a chance. That's not what you would recommend? I'm probably more on the unforgiving side and I do wonder if I shouldn't loosen my tight grip on my expectations. I don't think she was trying to be a bitch about it, she's only going off what you posted. You said he reminds you of a friend you ended up letting go. When I read that I thought "not a match" too. He called you a bitter troll with a smile so you're free to take it as a joke or take offense. It sounds like you want to meet the guy so just go ahead and do it. The only thing I would suggest you loosen up about is people who want to plan when to meet. I'm not the type to want to meet without a plan either and I think most people make plans.....especially for the first meet so try to be flexible. Let us know how it goes!
thatone Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 (edited) I'll let this one go, but out of curiosity, most people will tell you to keep an open mind and give people a chance. That's not what you would recommend? I'm probably more on the unforgiving side and I do wonder if I shouldn't loosen my tight grip on my expectations. yeah, but the side note is, this thread is why online dating is a complete waste of time. after trying it for 6 months or so and reading this forum for the same amount of time, that's pretty much the only conclusion that can be drawn. if you had met him in a restaurant or bar would we be having this conversation? no, we would not. because you wouldn't know what he thought about such things, and you wouldn't have the delusional thought that you could somehow dictate the rules of your first in person meeting and conversation, because you'd be having it already! here's the thing: you should meet EVERYONE you run into on a dating site that has roughly the same interests as you and you are physically attracted to. but that won't happen, because the plethora of "nice tits" messages from the hookup crowd you get in your inbox gives you the illusion that you have hundreds of men to choose from. but you don't. just as 60-90% of the messages men send out on dating sites don't get responded to, 60-90% of the men who message you on dating sites you can't possibly get a relationship from. so by simple math, say an average of 8 of out 10 men on dating sites that you might be interested in, you have no shot at forming a relationship with. when you do find one of the two that are left out of every 10 that you have something in common with, and you rule him out based on nothing more than 'looking for a reason to rule him out', then you just cut your odds in half. and when you tell the other one out of 10 that you have some sort of weird ruleset planned out in your head about how you're going to meet he's going to instantly send you to 'backup plan' status by virtue of assuming that you're some sort of psycho, so you're not going to get him either. then you can come back in 6 months and tell us how all men are terrible and you're going to swear off dating in favor of yoga classes, twilight novels, and true blood reruns. thankfully we have threads started on those topics already so we're ready when you are! Edited December 26, 2011 by thatone
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 I don't think she was trying to be a bitch about it, she's only going off what you posted. You said he reminds you of a friend you ended up letting go. When I read that I thought "not a match" too. He called you a bitter troll with a smile so you're free to take it as a joke or take offense. It sounds like you want to meet the guy so just go ahead and do it. The only thing I would suggest you loosen up about is people who want to plan when to meet. I'm not the type to want to meet without a plan either and I think most people make plans.....especially for the first meet so try to be flexible. Let us know how it goes! There was a misunderstanding. I didn't mean her, I meant him. I guess, there is no point meeting him. I see nothing bad about stating my preference regarding first dates. I understand that some people want to make plans and I do that with my friends, but these are people I don't know. I'd rather just meet them when I happen to have time and no plans. I'd never get into an argument with someone who said, for example, he just wants to meet on a date night, Friday or Saturday. If it's convenient for me, then we can do it, if it's not, then it's not going to happen.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 yeah, but the side note is, this thread is why online dating is a complete waste of time. after trying it for 6 months or so and reading this forum for the same amount of time, that's pretty much the only conclusion that can be drawn. if you had met him in a restaurant or bar would we be having this conversation? no, we would not. because you wouldn't know what he thought about such things, and you wouldn't have the delusional thought that you could somehow dictate the rules of your first in person meeting and conversation, because you'd be having it already! here's the thing: you should meet EVERYONE you run into on a dating site that has roughly the same interests as you and you are physically attracted to. but that won't happen, because the plethora of "nice tits" messages from the hookup crowd you get in your inbox gives you the illusion that you have hundreds of men to choose from. but you don't. just as 60-90% of the messages men send out on dating sites don't get responded to, 60-90% of the men who message you on dating sites you can't possibly get a relationship from. so by simple math, say an average of 8 of out 10 men on dating sites that you might be interested in, you have no shot at forming a relationship with. when you do find one of the two that are left out of every 10 that you have something in common with, and you rule him out based on nothing more than 'looking for a reason to rule him out', then you just cut your odds in half. and when you tell the other one out of 10 that you have some sort of weird ruleset planned out in your head about how you're going to meet he's going to instantly send you to 'backup plan' status by virtue of assuming that you're some sort of psycho, so you're not going to get him either. You're not getting it. He's arguing too much and if you think that it would have been better if we had been having a real conversation face to face, you're being unrealistic. My rule with the age preferences is not just a reason to rule men out. It greatly reduces my dating pool and I've seen plenty of men I'd actually would like to meet if it wasn't for that reason. On the other hand, I see no point getting into a relationship with someone I have trouble respecting just for the sake of having a relationship. then you can come back in 6 months and tell us how all men are terrible and you're going to swear off dating in favor of yoga classes, twilight novels, and true blood reruns. thankfully we have threads started on those topics already so we're ready when you are! Cool down. Just because like reading Harry Potter doesn't mean that I like reading Twilight novels. Some of you guys are really a bit hysterical here.
CocoaBrown Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 There was a misunderstanding. I didn't mean her, I meant him. I guess, there is no point meeting him. I see nothing bad about stating my preference regarding first dates. I understand that some people want to make plans and I do that with my friends, but these are people I don't know. I'd rather just meet them when I happen to have time and no plans. I'd never get into an argument with someone who said, for example, he just wants to meet on a date night, Friday or Saturday. If it's convenient for me, then we can do it, if it's not, then it's not going to happen. Ohhh ok. I was like no she's just looking out for you lol About first dates....no I didn't say it was bad....at least I don't remember saying that. If I did what I was trying to say is be more open to the idea of planning a first meet because people usually like to make plans. But uh, it sounds like you're firm on this one lol
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Ohhh ok. I was like no she's just looking out for you lol About first dates....no I didn't say it was bad....at least I don't remember saying that. If I did what I was trying to say is be more open to the idea of planning a first meet because people usually like to make plans. But uh, it sounds like you're firm on this one lol Well, if he sounds nice and reliable, but has a very busy schedule, then I guess, I would make an exception. It's just this guy started criticizing me about what I usually prefer. His most prominent character trait on his personality profile is aggressiveness. The bar is nearly reaching the end... I guess, I'm really bored...
KathyM Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I'll let this one go, but out of curiosity, most people will tell you to keep an open mind and give people a chance. That's not what you would recommend? I'm probably more on the unforgiving side and I do wonder if I shouldn't loosen my tight grip on my expectations. The dating process is, in some ways, like a job interview. If the candidate has red flags about him that you would consider a deal breaker, then move on to the next candidate. Don't waste your time with someone who you know up front has red flags about him. With this guy, you haven't even gone on a first date yet, and, according to you, you are already arguing, he's already calling you names like troll and bitter, he's looking for women much younger than him who are not emotional or intellectual equals, you say he seems controlling and that he would probably be the jealous type. Isn't that enough red flags to rule out this guy? Don't waste your time. Your gut reaction to this guy is probably right.
FitChick Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 His most prominent character trait on his personality profile is aggressiveness. Hmm, sounds like those silly personality profiles might be more accurate than I thought. Are you on Match Affinity?
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Hmm, sounds like those silly personality profiles might be more accurate than I thought. Are you on Match Affinity? OKcupid. I actually find the personality profiles to be quite accurate. On the other hand, I have a really bland one... Sometimes I wonder if I have so few friends because I'm so boring.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 The dating process is, in some ways, like a job interview. If the candidate has red flags about him that you would consider a deal breaker, then move on to the next candidate. Don't waste your time with someone who you know up front has red flags about him. With this guy, you haven't even gone on a first date yet, and, according to you, you are already arguing, he's already calling you names like troll and bitter, he's looking for women much younger than him who are not emotional or intellectual equals, you say he seems controlling and that he would probably be the jealous type. Isn't that enough red flags to rule out this guy? Don't waste your time. Your gut reaction to this guy is probably right. Once in a while, I have my moments of doubts about my criteria...
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