eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have come to the conclusion that I am attracted to "bad boys" and alpha males who mistreat me. I have recently come across this person: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309521/ This guy is very handsome. But as I mentioned in the thread his career ambiions are definitely different than what I am used to (this does not have to be bad). He is also a bit clingy. He is very very affeminate and I originally thought he ws gay. BUT, he is the sweetest nicest guy I have met in the longest time. We are not even "dating" as I have told him I want us to be friends and that I am all about getting to know people as friends and taking it slow. He has hung out with my friends and made every effort to get to know them. He calls me every single day Yesterday he picked me up at my house and he gave me a charm for my pandora bracelet. I had mentioned that I am collecting charms the day before and he went to the mall on Christmas eve to get me a charm. This guy is really really sweet. Should I give him a chance event hough he is not my type and I am not super attracted to him? Have any bad boy lovers ever decided to give the good guy a chance and it worked out good? P.S. Enjoy the happiest day of the year!!!!!
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 I forgot to add: I recently found out he is a model too so I think thats how he makes his cash
kaleidoscope Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Actually, the question should be "have you ever given a bad boy a chance and it worked out well?". From what I understand, most girls marry the good guy. Not to be too blunt, but you sound really immature even though you may be educated. Find out why you like to be "mistreated" first. Maybe you like s&m, I don't know. Maybe he would love to "mistreat" you that way. Maybe. You don't really want someone to mistreat you, trust me. Lets see a bad boy would: - cheat on you - call you names - forget about special days like Valentines - push you around Do you love drama? Well go out and meet that bad boy. This guy you like is handsome (he's a damn model) but you're not attracted to him. Fine. You don't like him that way. Do him a big favor and move on. He deserves better. Why do you keep him hanging on and accepting his gifts? You're sad.
kaylan Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 (edited) I personally never really believed in the alpha/bad boy/bad girl or nice guy/girl labels. Because most of the time when people say nice guy they mean pushover, non-assertive, overly appeasing, and not a challenge. Everyone wants a nice partner, but they use the "nice" term to describe unattractive qualities. While on the other hand people use the bad boy/bad girl terms to reference someone their very attracted to who poses a challenge, is selfish, arrogant, etc. Cause and effect. When you are really attracted to someone, and its more than their attraction to you, I feel the other person can sense this. Hence they play off of it, and if their a person of confidence, they dont give in to what you want so easily. So we want it more. And if this person is attractive to many others, then its a constant cycle. Conversely, if youre not really attracted to someone, but they are really into you, they sense this and go into appeasement and supplicating mode, hence them seeming so "nice". Personality plays a huge role in all this. At the end of the day Ive noticed that "nice" usually means "Im not particularly attracted to this person, and theres not much excitement, but since they really like me and stuff, I guess they might do" And then "bad" means "Wow I cant figure this person out, and Im wildly drawn to them despite how hot and cold their behavior is" Everyone wants a nice partner, in the true sense of the word. And a lot of us want that excitement we get from the "bad boy/girl" too. Gotta find the medium. TL;DR - If you arent attracted to the guy, dont bother. And you dont seem to be super into him. If you have to convince yourself to date someone, then you really dont wanna date them imo. I wouldnt say anyone is attracted to bad people. We are attracted to confidence and fun outgoing personalities. "Nice" people who try to do everything to get you to like them dont give off that vibe at all. Theres no such thing as a nice guy and bad boy imo. Either a person is a good person or a crappy person. Then within those two realms of people you can have someone whos either confident and attractive, or lacks confidence and is unattractive or needy. Obviously your guy is a good dude, but with an unattractive and clingy personality. If I had a girl like you described him as, Id be turned off tbh. Edited December 25, 2011 by kaylan
fitgirl Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have come to the conclusion that I am attracted to "bad boys" and alpha males who mistreat me. I have recently come across this person: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309521/ This guy is very handsome. But as I mentioned in the thread his career ambiions are definitely different than what I am used to (this does not have to be bad). He is also a bit clingy. He is very very affeminate and I originally thought he ws gay. BUT, he is the sweetest nicest guy I have met in the longest time. We are not even "dating" as I have told him I want us to be friends and that I am all about getting to know people as friends and taking it slow. He has hung out with my friends and made every effort to get to know them. He calls me every single day Yesterday he picked me up at my house and he gave me a charm for my pandora bracelet. I had mentioned that I am collecting charms the day before and he went to the mall on Christmas eve to get me a charm. This guy is really really sweet. Should I give him a chance event hough he is not my type and I am not super attracted to him? Have any bad boy lovers ever decided to give the good guy a chance and it worked out good? P.S. Enjoy the happiest day of the year!!!!! give the good guy a chance. i dated some bad boy alphas and they were mean and cruel. i gave a good guy a chance and we're marrying in 3 months. i'm lucky i learned my lesson at 19.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 Actually, the question should be "have you ever given a bad boy a chance and it worked out well?". From what I understand, most girls marry the good guy. Not to be too blunt, but you sound really immature even though you may be educated. Find out why you like to be "mistreated" first. Maybe you like s&m, I don't know. Maybe he would love to "mistreat" you that way. Maybe. You don't really want someone to mistreat you, trust me. Lets see a bad boy would: - cheat on you - call you names - forget about special days like Valentines - push you around Do you love drama? Well go out and meet that bad boy. This guy you like is handsome (he's a damn model) but you're not attracted to him. Fine. You don't like him that way. Do him a big favor and move on. He deserves better. Why do you keep him hanging on and accepting his gifts? You're sad. Well thank you for stating your opinion in such a polite and respectful way on Christmas And yes I know its a bad pattern which is why I am trying to break out from it. Looking back, my long term relationships were not wtih people who i was crazy about in the beginning but they were so consistently good to me that I decided to give them a chance and they worked out great. This is the only gift I have ever accepted from him its not like I have been stringing him along forever but I will try to make up my mind soon and tell him because he is a really good person and he deserves someone great.
jobaba Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 (edited) Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have come to the conclusion that I am attracted to "bad boys" and alpha males who mistreat me. I have recently come across this person: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309521/ This guy is very handsome. But as I mentioned in the thread his career ambiions are definitely different than what I am used to (this does not have to be bad). He is also a bit clingy. He is very very affeminate and I originally thought he ws gay. BUT, he is the sweetest nicest guy I have met in the longest time. We are not even "dating" as I have told him I want us to be friends and that I am all about getting to know people as friends and taking it slow. He has hung out with my friends and made every effort to get to know them. He calls me every single day Yesterday he picked me up at my house and he gave me a charm for my pandora bracelet. I had mentioned that I am collecting charms the day before and he went to the mall on Christmas eve to get me a charm. This guy is really really sweet. Should I give him a chance event hough he is not my type and I am not super attracted to him? Have any bad boy lovers ever decided to give the good guy a chance and it worked out good? P.S. Enjoy the happiest day of the year!!!!! Wow. You get to choose between a bunch of alpha males who smack you around and a really sweet guy who happens to be a model. Life's tough, huh? I agree with Kaliedescope. I think you come off selfish and immature. I think you should try a dose of modesty. Think about guys like 'the model' as another person who may or may not be compatible with you instead of focusing on how he and other men make you feel. Edited December 25, 2011 by jobaba
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 I thought how someone makes me feel was important but thanks I'll keep your advice in mind.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 and I know that many of the choices I made in the past were bad ones. This is why I am trying to change and grow and make better ones. And why I ask for advice. I did not mean to come off as selfish or immature and I am sorry if this is the way it turned out. I am not a perfect person but I can assure you I have a good heart and I want to grow and learn. Once again, Merry Christmas everyone
chryssy83 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I can identify with you a little. I say give him a chance. At least five dates. And maybe attraction will develop, or it won't. But it might help you get out of your med student rut either way.
fitgirl Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 and I know that many of the choices I made in the past were bad ones. This is why I am trying to change and grow and make better ones. And why I ask for advice. I did not mean to come off as selfish or immature and I am sorry if this is the way it turned out. I am not a perfect person but I can assure you I have a good heart and I want to grow and learn. Once again, Merry Christmas everyone my favorite way to get rid of bad choices is to make some good choices. hang in there girl. merry christmas.
SomewhatExperienced Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I would agree with an above poster that you have to ask yourself some tough questions about why you actually like these "bad boys". Perhaps this is a chance for you to do some personal growth. From the sounds of it, this guy who likes you doesn't necessarily sound clingy to me. If he's calling you once a day, it may seem clingy but I think he's just trying to demonstrate that he actually likes you. From personal experience I've NEVER had a successful dating experience when it wasn't clear from each of us that we each liked the other. When it was ambiguous it ALWAYS didn't work out in one way or another. On the other hand, if he's calling you three times everyday, he's clingy. If he's a model, plus a nice guy, he knows he's a catch. The gift he bought you was very thoughtful, simple, inexpensive and not having a huge dealing of meaning besides the fact it was a nice thought. Trust me, he's likely had lots of dating experience and he's putting in a concerted effort right now to get the ball rolling. I'd expect him to reach a point where he's realizes he's done all he can and that it's time to cut his losses. He'll likely just stop contacting you if you continue to act the way you are acting. This guy has options and knows it, but right now his focus is on you. I think this "nice guy" is actually very different from the self-proclaimed "nice guys" who constantly bitch on this forum. This guy actually has social skills and confidence. I think likes you, but I have a feeling he's not the "beta male" (I hate the terms alpha and beta male) you think he is. He sounds like he's got a tonne going for him but just so happens to be a genuinely nice guy to boot and he knows it. Take it or leave it, but I suspect that a lot of members here will have much less respect for you if you toss him to the curb.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 He calls me more than once a day and sometimes if I don't pick up because I am busy he'll ask me why I didn't pick up. I find that clingy but maybe I'm just not used to it. I am definitely going to give him a chance Or give myself a chance to make a good choice for once And yes I have done a lot of soul searching as to why I am attracted to the people I am attracted to. I dated this guy who was... awful. He strung me along for like 3 months. I went to therapy and realized I had a lot of issues from things that happened in the past and that was why I kept seeking validation from these people who did not appreciate me at all. Hence, I want to try something different
jobaba Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I thought how someone makes me feel was important but thanks I'll keep your advice in mind. When I was a kid, I saw an episode of this show called Caroline in the City. It was so profound I still remember it many years later. An average man who worked with one of the main characters professed his love to her. She subsequently rejected him. When Caroline asks why, she says, "Because he's nothing. Extremely handsome men make me feel sexy. Rich and famous men make me feel important. And bad boys make me feel exciting." Or something like that. Even though she had a lot in common with this coworker and he was a great guy. It struck me as odd that someone would look at dating that way instead of finding someone who was cute and compatible. But it opened my eyes to the way women think. Anyway, the 'overriding message' of the episode was that it wasn't in the woman's best interests to date like that. I mean, everybody has their own style of dating. And it was probably wrong for me to criticize you. But in my mind when you choose a person solely on how they make you feel as opposed to what you give each other, that relationship is not headed to good places.
FitChick Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 A lot of medical students are immature and socially awkward because they spend all of their free time studying. Many medical students are virgins and the first real sex organ of the opposite sex they see or touch is when they are doing an exam. After learning that (from the med student boyfriend of a college friend years ago) I decided never to ask a doctor for sex advice (not that I ever needed to). Another trick, again from the med student BF, is that male residents sometimes have a contest as to how many young, attractive women they can talk into getting a breast exam, even if they've come into the ER with a broken leg.
SomewhatExperienced Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 He calls me more than once a day and sometimes if I don't pick up because I am busy he'll ask me why I didn't pick up. I find that clingy but maybe I'm just not used to it. Well... yeah... that is clingy IMO. And I didn't remember the part of the original post where you said he was very effeminate and thought he was gay. I can certainly understand why i girl wouldn't be attracted to that. Anyway, give the guy a chance. If it doesn't work out either because there's no chemistry or whatever, that's fine. But still try to work through your pattern of dating bad boys.
kaylan Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 OP, read my post on the last page again and take it in. Its his personality that doesnt do it for you. Not any of this "nice" guy or "bad" boy stuff. Considering what you say about him in this and the other thread, I believe hes not your type. I mean can you say that if you run into a dude whos exciting, good to you, and more masculine, that you wouldnt be tempted to part with this current dude and get the new guy? Lets be real. If theres no chemistry, dont risk leading this guy on and hurting him. All I know is that whenever Ive had to ask myself if I wanted to be next to someone or not, and wondered about my attraction to them, I knew it meant I wasnt attracted to them enough to be exclusive to them. Again, this isnt a nice guy vs bad boy situation. This is attraction vs lack of attraction. Good Luck
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 I know his personality is not what I usually go for. But, lets be honest, what I "go for" has worked out quite badly so far. He's very sweet but there is something odd about him I don't know what it its. And he lied to me about his age the other day. I don't see why he would do that. We were talking more in detail about what he does for a living and right now he's not really modeling or doing photography much. He does it occasionally. Right now he is focused on taking acting lessons because he feels like he will get his big break in acting soon. So technically he does not really have an income, but, lets face it, neither do I. I live off my student loans. I guess this is different than what anyone I know is doing but I am going to be supportive because he is supportive of my academic goals which a lot of people don't really support (I want to be a psychiatrist who works with susbtance abuse... for some reason this is frowned upon among everyone I know... "why can't you be a dermatologist or a plastic surgeon blah blah blah") We are going to see twilight today (don't judge please) I had a test the week it came out and he agreed to see it with me this week. I am grateful for this he really is a great guy I am glad I am giving him a chance despite the things I find off. I'll keep you posted.
runner Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 An average man who worked with one of the main characters professed his love to her. She subsequently rejected him. When Caroline asks why, she says, "Because he's nothing. Extremely handsome men make me feel sexy. Rich and famous men make me feel important. And bad boys make me feel exciting." she's essentially admitting how much she dislikes herself; so much to the point that she needs another person to make her feel better about herself. and essentially the type of girl i prefer not to date.
dasein Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Culling out bad boys as dating options doesn't mean giving men you don't find attractive a chance, which IMO is always a bad idea. So the question you have to ask yourself is how attracted are you to this nice guy who is supplicating too much at this point? Hard for us to help you with that.
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