Libra16 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 For every Holiday or special occassion, I always get a gift for my boyfriend. I have only ever gotten something from him about three times that I can remember and we've been together 6.5 years! And once, he only got it because it was Valentines day and I was like damn, really?? It's Valentines day! and I got really sad so he went and got me some roses. Another time, he bought me a cake and cooked me dinner for my birthday but it was only so I wouldn't have a get together at the house for my bday (and I know this because he told me!), which totally killed it for me. It gets really frustrating sometimes because I'm big on the Holidays, even though I know he isn't, but with me, its about the thought. I feel kind of like he didn't think enough about me to pick up something. I really don't care what it is. Even a homemade card would have been special. But nothing. Ever. Its so funny though because he kept asking me what I wanted. I said I didn't know, just think of something and what do I get?? I get "why are you even upset??" Really?? I was pissed. Am I wrong for being upset?? I have explained to him it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's the thought that counts, and I still get nothing. You would think after this long, I would be used to it, but nope... Still hurts.
kaleidoscope Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Yeah, some people just don't get it. I used to feel hurt when my ex didn't put any effort on holidays. She just didn't care about birthdays, valentines, etc. Read this book called Five Languages of love and it talks about how certain people prefer words over gifts or gifts over words. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ It was good:
phineas Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 For every Holiday or special occassion, I always get a gift for my boyfriend. I have only ever gotten something from him about three times that I can remember and we've been together 6.5 years! And once, he only got it because it was Valentines day and I was like damn, really?? It's Valentines day! and I got really sad so he went and got me some roses. Another time, he bought me a cake and cooked me dinner for my birthday but it was only so I wouldn't have a get together at the house for my bday (and I know this because he told me!), which totally killed it for me. It gets really frustrating sometimes because I'm big on the Holidays, even though I know he isn't, but with me, its about the thought. I feel kind of like he didn't think enough about me to pick up something. I really don't care what it is. Even a homemade card would have been special. But nothing. Ever. Its so funny though because he kept asking me what I wanted. I said I didn't know, just think of something and what do I get?? I get "why are you even upset??" Really?? I was pissed. Am I wrong for being upset?? I have explained to him it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's the thought that counts, and I still get nothing. You would think after this long, I would be used to it, but nope... Still hurts. Then stop getting him gifts. I like giving small gifts but i'm not big on getting them. LOL!
CocoaBrown Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 For every Holiday or special occassion, I always get a gift for my boyfriend. I have only ever gotten something from him about three times that I can remember and we've been together 6.5 years! And once, he only got it because it was Valentines day and I was like damn, really?? It's Valentines day! and I got really sad so he went and got me some roses. Another time, he bought me a cake and cooked me dinner for my birthday but it was only so I wouldn't have a get together at the house for my bday (and I know this because he told me!), which totally killed it for me. It gets really frustrating sometimes because I'm big on the Holidays, even though I know he isn't, but with me, its about the thought. I feel kind of like he didn't think enough about me to pick up something. I really don't care what it is. Even a homemade card would have been special. But nothing. Ever. Its so funny though because he kept asking me what I wanted. I said I didn't know, just think of something and what do I get?? I get "why are you even upset??" Really?? I was pissed. Am I wrong for being upset?? I have explained to him it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's the thought that counts, and I still get nothing. You would think after this long, I would be used to it, but nope... Still hurts. Wow. I would say stop getting him gifts but you said you are into the holidays so that will probably be hard for you. Has he given you a reason for it? Or is it really he's just not into it? I'm sorry but for me that wouldn't even be an excuse because you said he could make a card and you would be satisfied. It really sounds like this guy is selfish. How is he in other areas of your relationship? Is he giving or thoughtful at all?
El Brujo Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 So what? I'm the proverbial man who has everything. What I need is a place to put it!!! Personally, I'm GLAD nobody gives me presents. I have enough stuff already.
soserious1 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Am I wrong for being upset?? I have explained to him it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's the thought that counts, and I still get nothing. You would think after this long, I would be used to it, but nope... Still hurts. Sorry, no sympathy here, you've known from the beginning that this guy doesn't do gifts or care about holidays yet here you are 6.5 years later repeating the same actions over and over again expecting different results. You've got basically 4 choices here. 1. Gift him because it makes YOU feel good to do so & with zero expectation of a gift in return. 2. Accept that he just doesn't do holidays but that this doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. don't give him any gifts & express your love of the holidays with other family and friends instead. 3. Continue on as the Christmas , Birthday, valentine's day martyr , basically allowing every important occasion in your life to be evaluated based on his response .. or lack of response. 4. Decide that you cannot handle a lifetime of having a romantic partner ignore important events in your life, tell him clearly the issue is a deal breaker, if he doesn't alter his behavior, leave! It's really up to you.. do you want to have another 30-40 years of Christmases like this one?
Alexz Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I think what we have here is misinterpretation and differing views when it comes to personal gifting. I think its perfectly natural you were upset. I personally also enjoy thoughtful gifts from my S.O., its a good and heartfelt indication of closeness. Speak to your BF, explain that you care more about thoughtful recognition and emotional meaning to your gifts rather than "something that you want." I think he's taking up the view that you didn't tell him or hint at something you want, when in fact you just wanted him to be thoughtful and a little romantic. Hopefully, you two will see eye to eye where it went wrong and this will blow over. It seems he has an entirely different way of expression his affection/holiday love.
zengirl Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I'm not one of those who think it's of a particular "style" -- it's just plain selfishness. He clearly knows you well enough (or should!) to know that this is important to you, and he doesn't give two figs. Even if he's not into gifts, it doesn't seem like you're asking much -- you just want him to take a few moments to think of something he could get/make you to show he's taken your feelings into consideration. Not at all unreasonable, and it's entirely unreasonable for him not to make the effort. There can certainly be a range of feelings about holidays and gifts, but being unwilling to even get a small token or make a card or whatever for your SO on any holiday when you know it would make them happy and likely know your lack of doing so, year after year, is causing them dissonance and sadness is pretty selfish.
somedude81 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 At least you have somebody to be with this time of year.....
soserious1 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I'm not one of those who think it's of a particular "style" -- it's just plain selfishness. He clearly knows you well enough (or should!) to know that this is important to you, and he doesn't give two figs. Even if he's not into gifts, it doesn't seem like you're asking much -- you just want him to take a few moments to think of something he could get/make you to show he's taken your feelings into consideration. Not at all unreasonable, and it's entirely unreasonable for him not to make the effort. There can certainly be a range of feelings about holidays and gifts, but being unwilling to even get a small token or make a card or whatever for your SO on any holiday when you know it would make them happy and likely know your lack of doing so, year after year, is causing them dissonance and sadness is pretty selfish. OP says that "it's the thought that counts" it would seem to me that the OP's boyfriend has indicated very clearly over and over again just how very little he thinks of the OP & what she wants. he's been sending her the same message very consistently for 6.5 years. He's sending a clear, consistent message, why do you think it is that the OP isn't willing to hear that message ?
musemaj11 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 This guy does nothing wrong. He has been consistent in his behavior for over 6 years. The person who expects him to somehow suddenly change after seeing his consistent behavior for so long is the one who needs to have her head checked.
zengirl Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 OP says that "it's the thought that counts" it would seem to me that the OP's boyfriend has indicated very clearly over and over again just how very little he thinks of the OP & what she wants. he's been sending her the same message very consistently for 6.5 years. He's sending a clear, consistent message, why do you think it is that the OP isn't willing to hear that message ? Because people/books/TV shows/whatever speak about "different styles" when there are really only 2 styles: People who care for their SOs and deserve the same care in return and people who don't. Hence my point about no "different styles" playing into things like this. A SO worth their salt will be less selfish than hers, no doubt. She likely doesn't believe she deserves or will get better.
samsungxoxo Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 (edited) 6.5 years and he's never put real effort? I had an ex bf like that for 4 years... noticed I said ex. Anyone (man or woman) that is so cheap that he/she can't do special for a Holiday or your b-day while you're doing an effort doesn't deserves you. I think he's really not into you. My ex bf also gave me nothing for Christmas of 2006 while I bought a perfume. He only said ''Merry Christmas'', came empty-handed and treated it like a normal day . Yes you have every right to be pissed off. I would now break up with a man like that. I'm surprise you're still staying with him. Edited December 25, 2011 by samsungxoxo
jobaba Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 For every Holiday or special occassion, I always get a gift for my boyfriend. I have only ever gotten something from him about three times that I can remember and we've been together 6.5 years! And once, he only got it because it was Valentines day and I was like damn, really?? It's Valentines day! and I got really sad so he went and got me some roses. Another time, he bought me a cake and cooked me dinner for my birthday but it was only so I wouldn't have a get together at the house for my bday (and I know this because he told me!), which totally killed it for me. It gets really frustrating sometimes because I'm big on the Holidays, even though I know he isn't, but with me, its about the thought. I feel kind of like he didn't think enough about me to pick up something. I really don't care what it is. Even a homemade card would have been special. But nothing. Ever. Its so funny though because he kept asking me what I wanted. I said I didn't know, just think of something and what do I get?? I get "why are you even upset??" Really?? I was pissed. Am I wrong for being upset?? I have explained to him it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's the thought that counts, and I still get nothing. You would think after this long, I would be used to it, but nope... Still hurts. That's a long time to be together. Does he get anybody anything for Christmas? His mom, dad, brothers, sisters? Because if he does, then he's a bum. If he doesn't get anybody anything, then it's still kinda bad. Just talk to him about it.
FitChick Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Give him a list of things you want. The surprise will be whichever one he picks. Too many women expect men to be mind readers and too many women like being martyrs and drama queens. By the way, why haven't you two married after such a long time?
samsungxoxo Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 By the way, why haven't you two married after such a long time?Just what I was about to say also. I wouldn't stay in a 6.5 relationship. My new rule is: the guy gets dumped if my the 2nd year, it's still heading no where. Actually I plan to make it 18 months limit. You shouldn't take too long to find out if someone is the right person. If so then maybe the whole relationship needs to be reevaluated.
Author Libra16 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 That's a long time to be together. Does he get anybody anything for Christmas? His mom, dad, brothers, sisters? Because if he does, then he's a bum. If he doesn't get anybody anything, then it's still kinda bad. Just talk to him about it. Sorry for the serious late reply!! But no. He doesn't have any other family except his little sister and she thinks the same way he does. She never got anything and holidays are just not big things to them. They never really had what most of us would consider a good holiday.
Author Libra16 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Sorry, no sympathy here, you've known from the beginning that this guy doesn't do gifts or care about holidays yet here you are 6.5 years later repeating the same actions over and over again expecting different results. You've got basically 4 choices here. 1. Gift him because it makes YOU feel good to do so & with zero expectation of a gift in return. 2. Accept that he just doesn't do holidays but that this doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. don't give him any gifts & express your love of the holidays with other family and friends instead. 3. Continue on as the Christmas , Birthday, valentine's day martyr , basically allowing every important occasion in your life to be evaluated based on his response .. or lack of response. 4. Decide that you cannot handle a lifetime of having a romantic partner ignore important events in your life, tell him clearly the issue is a deal breaker, if he doesn't alter his behavior, leave! It's really up to you.. do you want to have another 30-40 years of Christmases like this one? I wasn't asking for sympathy. And I give him gifts because I want to make HIM happy. I know that he loves me, but that's not the point. I was just wondering if I was wrong for being upset because I already kind of knew it was going to happen again. But I do understand what you are saying... But I think I'm finally seeing a change. His sister was talking about how the holidays weren't a big deal to her and he said it hurt him to hear her talk like that, so he apologized and says he finally understands why it's so important to me because "nobody should feel like that." We'll see.............
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