In a dark place

[flume]

This is going to be along post but please take the patience to read this.

 

I am 26. 4 years ago I met the perfect girl. We had a lot of good times. After 2 years I moved to a new city for college (2 years). There I had to face a lot of problems (Bullying, Discrimination and what not). This was my first stay anywhere outside and my problem is that once I am in pain I keep it all bottled up.

 

We started developing problems long distance relationships do and there I met a girl (let me call her V) who helped me a lot. Eventually, we started going put and I became a cheater. This continued for 2 years and trying to be in two boats I was never committed to either of them. Eventually, my original girlfreind broke up with due to totally different reasons.

 

I became exclusive to the new girl. But a couple of months later she cheated on me. We somehow sailed through that.

 

I strted working at a 6 hr. drive from V's city. My job is such that all day long I sit around doing nothing. It is just a 6 hr. drive but an alien culture altogether. Here, they speak a totally different language which I do not understand and I got almost 0 acquaintances leave alone friends.

 

Eventually I started feeling guilty about my original girlfriend and I ended begging her to take me back (remembering all those times). But she flatly refused saying she had move on. In my mind I keep thinking of her still.

 

I told V everything the begging and cheating. Somehow we sailed through it again.

 

In October we had a big argument and she said she got attracted to someone else. She has not acted on it up till now as per her. Should be true (this girl will say she cheated rather than lie). She said she is confused about everything and wants to end things now. But she still cares for me.

 

My problem: On one hand I keep fantasizing about an ex who will never be back. On other I am all alone in this strange city with no one to talk to even at times, V is my only crutch. I somehow don't want to leave her, or I risk having no one at all.

 

I have posted in this forum before but things were different back then. In all my selfishness I admit I do fantasize about someone else, and my sole crutch through a very different period in my life and even now wanted to cheat but I fear that my entire life would become a long guilt and regret trip if I take a wrong decision now.

 

There is already a hole in me not getting filled.

 

Help me please take a decision.

[kaleidoscope]

The first decision I think you need is to understand yourself.

 

Then learn about what a healthy relationship is.

 

All this cheating, fantasizing is only sexual selfishness.

 

There is something higher to aim for and that's called love.

 

You're a mess right now and hurting people. People you want to care about.

 

Fix yourself first. Forget about being with someone right now.

 

You CAN be strong and be alone for a while.

 

Be a man and don't be so needy. Seriously. I bet you have no male role models in your life. Its not your fault but get serious and be real.

 

You need a wake up call.

 

Like starting today.

[flume]

I have been alone a long while. For the past year I dine alone (most days), I usually have no work to do (job really pays well though). I sit and keep on contemplating the past. You cannot avoid it if you got nothing else to do.

 

I am not able to get a new job to get away from this alien culture.

 

The thought of being alone leaves me really troubled. How do I be strong enough to leave the people who hold me together.

 

And what if I can't hold myself together in long run?

[LoveTKO]

Help you make a decision? It sounds to me as if all your relationships are based on filling some void because of either loneliness or insecurity. A relationship is a two way street in which both parties are meant to enjoy each other, strive towards a common goal, and share intimacy (vulnerabilities). You apparently use people as a crutch or a tool that you hold onto until you find the next suitable candidate.

[YellowShark]

Eventually, my original girlfreind broke up with due to totally different reasons.

 

Eventually I started feeling guilty about my original girlfriend and I ended begging her to take me back (remembering all those times). But she flatly refused saying she had move on. In my mind I keep thinking of her still.

 

Girl "A" is now just another chapter in your life flume. There shall be other women like her.. and like V.. plenty of them. Dont worry, you sound very young, many more women ahead of ya. And all those "times" are in the past as well, they are not coming back. Don't cling to them, just try to remember them fondly.

 

Here's a lesson as well... Begging to get any girl back only pushes her away further. Imagine if you got fired from a job but went into the bosses office and begged for your job back. The boss wouldn't appreciate that very much, neither did your girlfriend who had "moved on."

 

I became exclusive to the new girl. But a couple of months later she cheated on me. We somehow sailed through that.

 

She said she is confused about everything and wants to end things now. But she still cares for me.

 

Sounds like "V" is a dead end for you romantically flume. Accept it, she may be a good friend but a lousy girlfriend. Not a good fit - A) she's attracted to someone else, B) lives 6 hours away from where you work, C) and has cheated on you already after an argument. Time to let her go as well.

 

It is just a 6 hr. drive but an alien culture altogether. Here, they speak a totally different language which I do not understand and I got almost 0 acquaintances leave alone friends.

 

I am all alone in this strange city with no one to talk to even at times, V is my only crutch. I somehow don't want to leave her, or I risk having no one at all.

 

First of all it cant be too *alien* a culture and too strange of a city if it is a 6 hour drive away. You didnt drive to another galaxy dude. Perhaps you need to embrace the differences and enjoy them. Meeting new people and learning about their culture is really a lot of fun. Who knows.. maybe you'll meet a smokin' hot babe there.. that is if you stop being an timid introverted xenophobe and become an adventure-seeking guy-with-confidence.

 

Good luck.

[flume]

Looks like the end of the road for me. Any how I am gonna do most probably what all people said.

 

Everything what I did has landed me into a mess. May be this thing may turn things around.

 

Will talk to her tomorrow and keep things posted. It's all really scary. I just don't want to spend m entire life thinking "What If"?

[YellowShark]

Looks like the end of the road for me. Any how I am gonna do most probably what all people said.

 

Everything what I did has landed me into a mess. May be this thing may turn things around.

 

Will talk to her tomorrow and keep things posted. It's all really scary. I just don't want to spend m entire life thinking "What If"?

 

That's the spirit flume! Take the power back into your court. Girl "A" is gone.. trust me there will be many more like her... "V" is not a good fit cuz she cheated on you after one measly argument and lives 6 hours away... you can do waaaaay better - (and deserve better.)

 

What if you stayed with girl "A?" A one-sided relationship. What if you stayed with "V?" A relationship that you dont know where it will go because she is attracted to other men. Both are dead ends.

 

Instead embrace your new surroundings, open your mind, seek adventure, and just enjoy all the beautiful women around you. Eventually one of them will want to take a ride on "the flume."

 

Good luck.

[flume]

Its been over a month and all I do is keep thinking about my first gf. The pain is killing me. I go to the gym, I lead a clean life but I am dying inside.

[Owl]

This is simple. Perhaps not easy...but surely not at all complicated or complex.

 

End your relationship with V. PERIOD.

 

If you're still not "over your ex"...you're certainly not doing V any justice by remaining with her.

 

End that relationship. Yep, you'll lose your "crutch" of that relationship...but you're a big boy...work it out and deal with it.

 

Then contact the ex-gf and see if she's still interested in a relationship with you. You'll be free to be with her at that point.

 

If not...then deal with it. It's your choice to make, and a grown man lives with the outcomes of his decisions.

 

Doing anything less, or beginning a relationship while still in another one is NOT how a grown, honorable man does things.

 

Step up, do what you gotta do, and be man enough to deal with what you've done.

 

Simple enough.

[flume]

You know strangely I did exactly as you said even before you posted a reply.

 

And the following:

 

--> the ex does not ant to be back and is in a serious relationship as per her. Does not want to talk much also.

 

--> And V. I told her everything I wrote up above. How our breakup is not her fault at all and I am the one to blame. She said ok and then said " I do not want to be with you but I am not mad at you."

This is driving me further crazy. Why won't she at-least show some disappointment at-least if no anger? Why she is not mad at me? Why?

 

Shall I write a mail to the ex bidding her goodbye or even that is not advisable?

[Darren Steez]

Go out and enjoy your life, stop fixating on these women. you're dying inside? Really..why? love? lust? loss? They have both moved on yet you still cling on like some needy child..women don't want needy children they need men. Be a man and live your life. Unless lady contacts you then dont contact her, no need to say goodbye, she said goodbye to you in her heart and mind already.