Why did you break up with people in the past?

[RecordProducer]

I just realized that every time I broke up with someone or didn't want to develop a relationship, it was because I fell out of love, never was in love, or lost interest at some point. I also didn't think highly of the people at the time of the breakups. I am talking about final breakups when you're completely done with someone, not going back and forth with the same person. Please consider the final breakup as you made the decision that the relationship would end and it ended there; so, it doesn't matter who moved out or filed for divorce.

 

In short, my reason was always the same: I was not in love.

[leoc1973]

I have broken up with 2 girls. The first was she told me she wanted a break so to teach her a lesson I started dating a gorgeous friend of mine. Then I developed feelings for her. By the time my ex came back it was too late. The second was a 6 year relationship and we became more like brother and sister it was weird because it was that same gorgeous girl I fell in love with from the previous breakup. I still to this day don't understand how I could be with a beautiful woman and have zero attraction to her. She is stunning and I still think of her in a completely non sexual way.

 

I think when you have too many options it makes it hard to get through the low points of relationships. I am assuming that is your picture. And completely in a not hitting on you way. Do you think that maybe you have too many options to form a long lasting relationship. Its just too hard when you always have someone telling you if you were mine I would do such and such. I think social media has really hurt relationships.

 

Anyways to answer your question. There was always someone else there.

[RecordProducer]

that same gorgeous girl I fell in love with from the previous breakup. I still to this day don't understand how I could be with a beautiful woman and have zero attraction to her.

But how could you be in love and not feel sexually attracted? Isn't attraction part of love? Or do you feel that love is more innocent and sex is more porn?

 

I think when you have too many options it makes it hard to get through the low points of relationships.

Hm... the Hollywood celebrities syndrome - they have a new partner with each movie.

I am assuming that is your picture.

No, that's Isabella Rossellini.

Do you think that maybe you have too many options to form a long lasting relationship. Its just too hard when you always have someone telling you if you were mine I would do such and such.

Men find me attractive, but I don't think of the number of suitors as too many options. I am looking for "it" and I can't find it that easily. But I can see why men feel like that.

[leoc1973]

I think they go hand in hand. I somehow just fell out of love. I might be weird and in talking to friend of mine I am sure that I am weird but I take sex maybe way too seriously. I really enjoy making love instead of just banging away at someone. And after I fell out of love with her it just wasn't there.

 

Hm... the Hollywood celebrities syndrome - they have a new partner with each movie.

 

Exactly!!

 

No, that's Isabella Rossellini.

 

LOL sorry!

 

Men find me attractive, but I don't think of the number of suitors as too many options. I am looking for "it" and I can't find it that easily. But I can see why men feel like that.

 

I am too. I have really lost a lot of respect for a lot of women. I think the first girl who tries to make me wait more than 3 dates for sex I am going to marry! lol

[RecordProducer]

I think they go hand in hand. I somehow just fell out of love. I might be weird and in talking to friend of mine I am sure that I am weird but I take sex maybe way too seriously. I really enjoy making love instead of just banging away at someone. And after I fell out of love with her it just wasn't there.

OK, that makes sense to me (and most women).

 

I am too. I have really lost a lot of respect for a lot of women. I think the first girl who tries to make me wait more than 3 dates for sex I am going to marry! lol

 

Hahah!

[PoppyLove89]

In our situation it was just too hard. He was away all the time (in the military) and since we only had phone contact during the week (text/calls) we argued a fair bit at weekends when he was home, because of frustration and missing each other.

 

In the end it was easier to go our separate ways than keep hurting/missing each other. It sucks. Maybe one day we'll reconnect but for now, it's too hard.

[Mallow]

I broke up with my ex of 5-6 years because he changed. He was no longer the man I had feelings for, he turned into a abusive monster.

 

After him, I dated someone else for a brief 5 months, the breakup was mutual. I wasn't in love with him, and I feel he could sense it.

[wilsonx]

In short, my reason was always the same: I was not in love.

 

I'm surprised no one caught this, you're the one in gigs. It's clear as day with your posts in the gigs thread and this quote right here

Edited December 24, 2011 by wilsonx

[smokey bear]

I'm surprised no one caught this, you're the one in gigs. It's clear as day with your posts in the gigs thread and this quote right here

 

Dr Wilson is diagnosing everyone lmao

[carhill]

Generally, reflecting back on the past, it has been when my boundary of invisibility has been breached. That isn't an issue now, since people don't get the benefit of the doubt and are erased summarily, but back in the old days I was way too tolerant of behavior which was not healthy. When such behavior got to the point of treating me like I was invisible, they got one shot to the head, meaning a clear and unmistakable expression of my dissatisfaction with them, and I was gone.

 

My exW essentially abandoned me in the middle of caregiving, though she still put in appearances for the good times and grudgingly helped me out a couple times over the eight years I dealt with it. I'm only now realizing how completely I erased her when I was looking at another thread where the OP asks how SO's/spouses select Christmas gifts for each other. I can't even remember such things. It's like that time didn't exist.

 

In all cases (LTR's/M), I loved the ladies until I erased them. I never looked for greener grass and, absent the unhealthiness of the dynamics, would have surely remained committed to any of them to this day.

[RecordProducer]

I'm surprised no one caught this, you're the one in gigs. It's clear as day with your posts in the gigs thread and this quote right here

Wilson, you're a nice person, but your obsession with GIGS is getting old and worn out. You really think I should've stayed with people when I wasn't in love with them? You obviously think that I should have stayed with the guy I started dating when I was 16! Oh, how could I ever think that I could find something better?! I left the mentally abusive loser because I knew the grass was greener elsewhere. And I was right, but I should've stayed and endured the misery. The second guy I dumped hated my sons - how could I have thought the grass would be greener and that I could ever find someone who would love my children? Well, I did find such a man and I would've been fine as a single mom... but NO, I should've never looked for anyone better because then Wilson will tell me I am in GIGS, I always look for something better. I didn't realize until yesterday that you're in your 20s. You have a lot to learn before you can post so confidently about life and relationships. You need to drink another 10,000 gallons of water before you can teach others from your experiences.

 

I can't even remember such things. It's like that time didn't exist.

Hm... this reminded me, I have gaps in the memory of my marriages; not so much that I don't remember what happened but don't remember how and why things happened. It's like as though somebody else was telling me about RP's marriage and they missed some things and now I don't know what happened then. I just read a thread of a woman who is still living with a passive-aggressive man and she brought these horrible memories, I'm just happy now that I am free from the chains of such a sadist.

[wilsonx]

Really?

 

How many relationships have you had? How many failed marriages? You always blame them. You even got egocentric when you had 2 guys come back that you dumped and asked for another shot.

 

Just FYI, those 2 guys that came back, probably going to be the best guys you ever got in your life.

 

Read the phases of GIGS

========================

 

Phase 2 - Soting their oats

 

Your Ex is going to date around and enter into several short / long term relationships. <----- This was you.... how many failed marriages have you been in? How many failed relationships have you been in?

 

Phase 3 - Pain is life's greatest teacher!

 

This is when your Ex starts to experience the consequences of their actions, behavior, decisions, etc. This can all hit at once (hitting bottom) or take several

years for it to have it's much needed effect on your Ex. Your Ex is one that has to learn the hard way!

 

Youre most recent ex kicked you to the curb and you thought he had GIGS, maybe just maybe, you have it and are going through it. You yourself told me that you considered getting therapy... This is where you are right now....

 

========================

The problem with 95% of this board is everyone else is afraid to look in the mirror, you asked me about GIGS, I gave you the answers. Now that I posted an answer you dont like or that does not conform to your standard of thinking, you dismiss me and insult me based on my age. Just FYI, Im 30 and I have seen the way the world works

[gibson]

You have a lot to learn before you can post so confidently about life and relationships. You need to drink another 10,000 gallons of water before you can teach others from your experiences.

 

If I want advice on how to manage my money, investment advice or get out of debt, etc. I am not going to go to a guy who is always broke, always asking for money, filed for bankruptcy twice and has creditors after him. This is more or less the equivalent of me asking / taking advice from you on marriage, dating or relationships.

 

You have been married and divorced twice and been in unhealthy / abusive relationships your whole life from what I have read in your posts. At your age, with your dating and relationship history, it's a lot more than bad luck or bad men. You are still the common denominator.

 

Considering you have drank a lot more than 10,000 gallons of water, that makes you worse than wilsonx. He isn't repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. He also identifies the problem (himself) and does not blame his Exes. Based on your age, history and "results", you shouldn't be posting so confidently about life and relationships yourself.

[Desensitized]

My partner had way too different moral values than I did, and we just wouldn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Or, I wasn't feeling the connection with them, so I wasn't in love.

[Teuen101]

I just realized that every time I broke up with someone or didn't want to develop a relationship, it was because I fell out of love, never was in love, or lost interest at some point. I also didn't think highly of the people at the time of the breakups. I am talking about final breakups when you're completely done with someone, not going back and forth with the same person. Please consider the final breakup as you made the decision that the relationship would end and it ended there; so, it doesn't matter who moved out or filed for divorce.

 

In short, my reason was always the same: I was not in love.

 

 

 

Question the relationships your talking about did the happen fast ? was you coming out of relationships when you got into them ?

 

Agree they do sound like bad guys the ones you where with, however you must have had a good idea they where bad for you before you "thought you fell in love with them"

 

love is a choice ..its more then a feeling...feelings change love never changes.

Edited December 26, 2011 by Teuen101

[ToothpasteLove]

I want to say they were my first love but im not really sure.. because i feel i was too young to understand what love was.. Ive only ever broken up with one person.. and i did it because my friends and family told me too.. which could possibly be the worst reason.

 

We were long distance.. and he had just stayed up here for the past 5 month.. he went home and we were arranging for him to come up here for another 5 month.. he was 5 years older than me.. and everyone thought he was too old for me.. when he wanted to settle down i would have been going through the wanting to be single and party phase, we were together for just under a year.

 

Probably the worst choice i ever made.. as i broke his heart.. and anyone ive been with since then has just messed me around.. i regret it.. but it was for the best i was too young.. maybe if he had met me at the age i am now.. it could have worked out perfectly.

[Teuen101]

I want to say they were my first love but im not really sure.. because i feel i was too young to understand what love was.. Ive only ever broken up with one person.. and i did it because my friends and family told me too.. which could possibly be the worst reason.

 

We were long distance.. and he had just stayed up here for the past 5 month.. he went home and we were arranging for him to come up here for another 5 month.. he was 5 years older than me.. and everyone thought he was too old for me.. when he wanted to settle down i would have been going through the wanting to be single and party phase, we were together for just under a year.

 

Probably the worst choice i ever made.. as i broke his heart.. and anyone ive been with since then has just messed me around.. i regret it.. but it was for the best i was too young.. maybe if he had met me at the age i am now.. it could have worked out perfectly.

 

My ex told me the same thing she told me i was the best thing that ever happend to her, she said she wish she would have met me years later.

 

sucks

[KathyM]

I started dating in my mid teens. My first exclusive relationship was at 17, and the guy was a foreigner, so when his visa was up, that ended that relationship. My next exclusive relationship lasted 4 months. I ended it with the guy because he didn't share my values, and so I realized it wasn't going to work to be with him. My third exclusive relationship was with the guy that I ended up marrying, and have been with ever since.

[shayla]

Every time I have ever broken up with someone, it was because they didn't treat me well. I spoke to them about it, sometimes things changed temporarily, but more often than not, i was expected to put up with being treated like crap.

 

When I got fed up, I'd leave. That's it.

[luvkitties]

Every time I have ever broken up with someone, it was because they didn't treat me well. I spoke to them about it, sometimes things changed temporarily, but more often than not, i was expected to put up with being treated like crap.

 

When I got fed up, I'd leave. That's it.

 

Same here...my problem is that I keep giving second, fifth, twentieth chances. I need to start (and stick to) a "three strikes" mentality.

[RecordProducer]

Wilson, I acknowledge your GIGS 'sect,' but not every breakup constitutess a failure. GIGS applies to good relationships that people abandon in search for something better. You've gone too far by endorsing your idea that every time a dumper dumps someone, they made a mistake. I don't blame my exes for everything. And I am grateful to both of them for ending horrible marriages. I do value your willingness to look within and around you, but I think you've become entangled in this GIGS, and ultimately, you're starting to blame everything on the false premise that people should NEVER seek anything better outside their relationship, no matter how wrong it feels. Also, what I think you haven't considered is that we are not always able to do what it takes to make a relationship work because we are different and we have different abilities, values, and needs.

 

If I want advice on how to manage my money, investment advice or get out of debt, etc. I am not going to go to a guy who is always broke, always asking for money, filed for bankruptcy twice and has creditors after him. This is more or less the equivalent of me asking / taking advice from you on marriage, dating or relationships.

You can go to a recent grad to ask him about how to invest your money. Not my problem. And when you need a lawyer, look for someone who has never failed in his career - he probably has two months of experience.

 

Let me give you two pieces of advice, just so I feel a little useful to you:

 

1. Don't judge people (about failed marriages) until you've been in their shoes. Every time I judged someone in my life, I ended up in that very situation. God/Life/Karma does that - just to teach you a lesson!

 

2. If you think that the only valuable experience in life is when everything went smoothly, you're bound to learn nothing from your (or other people's) mistakes - and you will make mistakes in life.

 

 

Probably the worst choice i ever made.. as i broke his heart.. and anyone ive been with since then has just messed me around.. i regret it.. but it was for the best i was too young.. maybe if he had met me at the age i am now.. it could have worked out perfectly.

You were too young and the relationship was long-distance, so don't regret it. It was based on complete uncertainty. You'll have more luck in the future.

 

I started dating in my mid teens. My first exclusive relationship was at 17, and the guy was a foreigner, so when his visa was up, that ended that relationship. My next exclusive relationship lasted 4 months. I ended it with the guy because he didn't share my values, and so I realized it wasn't going to work to be with him. My third exclusive relationship was with the guy that I ended up marrying, and have been with ever since.

Expired visa - not a negligible reason for a break up!

 

Every time I have ever broken up with someone, it was because they didn't treat me well. I spoke to them about it, sometimes things changed temporarily, but more often than not, i was expected to put up with being treated like crap.

 

When I got fed up, I'd leave. That's it.

Good for you!

 

Same here...my problem is that I keep giving second, fifth, twentieth chances. I need to start (and stick to) a "three strikes" mentality.

Hahahah! How about no second chances at all? Well, maybe one.. Edited December 26, 2011 by RecordProducer

[shayla]

Same here...my problem is that I keep giving second, fifth, twentieth chances. I need to start (and stick to) a "three strikes" mentality.

 

At times I did that too...the good part of that is when I'm done, that's it, they knew not to try to convince me otherwise. The bad part is that I gave a second chance to my ex and here I am! LOL

[appletini]

I broke up with my most recent ex when I realized that our lives were going in different directions, and a future together wasn't going to work. He wanted to be a kid forever, party, drink, do drugs, and then move to the suburbs. I'm devoted to my career and the city. I knew we could tough it out and mess around a little longer in our 20's - have fun and enjoy each other's company - but the pieces just weren't fitting together anymore.

[Arabella]

I ended a five year long marriage because we grew apart. We got together when I was 19 and he was 25, married two years later and five years after that, I ended the relationship.

 

For the most part, it was just me growing up and wanting things in life that he didn't care about. I became very career driven, wanted a family down the line, etc. He didn't care about career (his or mine) nor did he want children. He was also depressed and had suicidal tendencies which came up every time we had a big fight about something.

 

Eventually, I fell in love with someone (never cheated though) and that made me realize that I needed to end the relationship. We are still friends, I am engaged to someone else now, and he is in a new relationship also.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for your replies, guys and girls. It seems like growing apart due to differences in goals and lifestyles is more of a female reason for a breakup.

 

Men are happy as long as the woman doesn't yell or cling to them.