TuffCookieX Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 A few of you know my old topic about the last guy who left me for his ex who reappeared. Well, I've moved on. However, this new one I'm interested in may not be any better for me! I met him a while back at a bar, we have mutual friends (which is far better than the online dating). I'll call him Tom. Right after the last guy left me, our mutual friend texted me and said Tom really thinks you're cute. He then asked if I wanted him to talk to Tom for me. I said no, because I was just getting over this recent heartbreak and I wasn't ready to jump back into dating just yet. (Side note: Tom found my account on match.com which is how we really started talking). Well I've run into Tom a few times since and he has really grown on me. The few times he's had girls hit on him at the bars, he's run over to me to "protect" himself and then confides in me that he is not interested in those other girls. He initiates conversations and in person he strokes my hair and puts his hand on my leg. Here's the catch: He is ALSO emotionally unavailable - just like the last guy! As much as he seems to like me, when confronted, he said he was not ready to get back in the dating scene yet (same thing I told our mutual friend a little while ago). He got out of a 3 year relationship 3 months ago (she ended it, he CLAIMS the day she broke it off was the happiest day ever ). I told him he shouldn't be on match.com if he was not looking to date, but his excuse was that he is not fully subscribed... Our mutual friend wants to go on a double date but I said I don't want to be led on. I really like him though! And he said he wants to continue to hang out. Should I decline? Run for the hills? That last guy WAS ready to commit until that ex came back! When Tom touches me in a flirty way, my feelings get stronger. Should I physically remove his hand when he goes to hold mine or put his hand on my leg? I am bound to run into him again unlike the last guy who lived 1.5 hours away, this guy and I are always at the same bars! All advice appreciated, and this time I will listen better and not give any unnecessary chances.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Take it at face value when men say they're emotionally unavailable. Especially men from the bar and club scene.
TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 A few of you know my old topic about the last guy who left me for his ex who reappeared. Well, I've moved on. However, this new one I'm interested in may not be any better for me! I met him a while back at a bar, we have mutual friends (which is far better than the online dating). I'll call him Tom. Right after the last guy left me, our mutual friend texted me and said Tom really thinks you're cute. He then asked if I wanted him to talk to Tom for me. I said no, because I was just getting over this recent heartbreak and I wasn't ready to jump back into dating just yet. (Side note: Tom found my account on match.com which is how we really started talking). Well I've run into Tom a few times since and he has really grown on me. The few times he's had girls hit on him at the bars, he's run over to me to "protect" himself and then confides in me that he is not interested in those other girls. He initiates conversations and in person he strokes my hair and puts his hand on my leg. Here's the catch: He is ALSO emotionally unavailable - just like the last guy! As much as he seems to like me, when confronted, he said he was not ready to get back in the dating scene yet (same thing I told our mutual friend a little while ago). He got out of a 3 year relationship 3 months ago (she ended it, he CLAIMS the day she broke it off was the happiest day ever ). I told him he shouldn't be on match.com if he was not looking to date, but his excuse was that he is not fully subscribed... Our mutual friend wants to go on a double date but I said I don't want to be led on. I really like him though! And he said he wants to continue to hang out. Should I decline? Run for the hills? That last guy WAS ready to commit until that ex came back! When Tom touches me in a flirty way, my feelings get stronger. Should I physically remove his hand when he goes to hold mine or put his hand on my leg? I am bound to run into him again unlike the last guy who lived 1.5 hours away, this guy and I are always at the same bars! All advice appreciated, and this time I will listen better and not give any unnecessary chances. I've had that happen with on-line dating too. lol what is with that? Why join a PAID on-line site if you're not looking to date? At any rate, you sound like me. Fall for the ones who are unavailable, but they continue to put out the signals. I'm trying to figure out from your story, did you tell him you have feelings for him? If so, and he decline, why in the world is your friend trying to set you up on a double date? Somethings not adding up here...are you certain he's not looking for Friends W/benefits?
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I've had that happen with on-line dating too. lol what is with that? Why join a PAID on-line site if you're not looking to date? At any rate, you sound like me. Fall for the ones who are unavailable, but they continue to put out the signals. I'm trying to figure out from your story, did you tell him you have feelings for him? If so, and he decline, why in the world is your friend trying to set you up on a double date? Somethings not adding up here...are you certain he's not looking for Friends W/benefits? I did not tell him I have feelings for him, I didn't tell our mutual friend either. But I am a good flirt and I can make my interest for him obvious. He claims he is not looking for a one night stand. Maybe he is looking for fwb, who knows? He very well could be, and now that you have brought that to my attention I will be super cautious. His friend wants us to double date because "Tom" is quite interested in me, yet he "isn't ready for a relationship." *sigh*
TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 (edited) I did not tell him I have feelings for him, I didn't tell our mutual friend either. But I am a good flirt and I can make my interest for him obvious. He claims he is not looking for a one night stand. Maybe he is looking for fwb, who knows? He very well could be, and now that you have brought that to my attention I will be super cautious. His friend wants us to double date because "Tom" is quite interested in me, yet he "isn't ready for a relationship." *sigh* Well hey you're doing one step better than me this guy is willing to go on a date with you. I'm not sure about FWB, but if he's been in a 3 year relationship chances are he was used to regular sex. Now he's probably missing regular sex, but doesn't want a relationship. However, if that was the case it's weird he blew the other girls at the bar off. Yeah, I hate that mixed signal stuff. If you are someone who gets attached to people you like easily I would recommend gauging how well you can handle a date with Tom. If you can go on it without any expectations, then you've got nothing to lose. If you don't think you can, just tell your friend that you don't want to risk opening your heart to someone who can't open back. I was your friend I would understand that Best of luck! PS: he could have been blowing the girls at the bar off b/c you're way hotter and he didn't want to ruin a chance with you Edited December 24, 2011 by TheFinalWord
chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I don't feel like he's giving you mixed signals, really. He said he doesn't want a relationship. If you want to see him but not have a relationship, go for it. But don't be mad when it doesn't turn into a relationship, because he told you going in that he didn't want that. If you just want relationships and not whatever it is that he's offering, then you tell him that you are really attracted to him but you only do relationships. That way if you are ever in the same place in the future, maybe he'll remember you. If he's going to change his mind, I think he's just as likely to do it after a statement like that as he is after a long period of FWB or whatever else he's trying to start with you. Then date other people who are also interested in relationships. If you spend all your time pursuing unavailable men, you will end up being toyed with and you'll be alone much longer than you probably want to be.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Well hey you're doing one step better than me this guy is willing to go on a date with you. I'm not sure about FWB, but if he's been in a 3 year relationship chances are he was used to regular sex. Now he's probably missing regular sex, but doesn't want a relationship. However, if that was the case it's weird he blew the other girls at the bar off. Yeah, I hate that mixed signal stuff. If you are someone who gets attached to people you like easily I would recommend gauging how well you can handle a date with Tom. If you can go on it without any expectations, then you've got nothing to lose. If you don't think you can, just tell your friend that you don't want to risk opening your heart to someone who can't open back. I was your friend I would understand that Best of luck! Thank you very much. I definitely get attached quick. I did confide in our friend that I can't go on the date if he is planning on turning me down in the long road. I like the way you worded it though better - if the topic comes up again, I will use your phrase. =)
Alexz Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 *sigh* Emotional unavailability in general... Just makes me sick. It really is the ultimate way of putting up a shield or wall in a relationship. One person tries to beat it down to progress to a meaningful level of closeness, while the other one holds it up to delay the reality of showing who they are in real terms, as opposed to who they are on superficial terms. You seem like a genuine person. If you're looking for something serious, I'd say avoid the emotionally unavailable people. But if you want to see where it goes and notice that the emotional unavailability will be there for long-term, break it off. You can say you tried and you won't be heartbroken because someone was faking it the whole time.
Imajerk17 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 (edited) All advice appreciated... Here's some. Stop hanging out in bars. :-) . Edited December 25, 2011 by Imajerk17
FitChick Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I agree with previous posters who said he is used to regular sex but doesn't want a relationship. He wants FWB and has a ready excuse to dump you later "I told you I didn't want a serious relationship." You should be congratulating yourself for at least being finally aware of your self destructive pattern and spotting someone who will only use you. This is your final exam in this "course." I hope you pass.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 *sigh* Emotional unavailability in general... Just makes me sick. It really is the ultimate way of putting up a shield or wall in a relationship. One person tries to beat it down to progress to a meaningful level of closeness, while the other one holds it up to delay the reality of showing who they are in real terms, as opposed to who they are on superficial terms. You seem like a genuine person. If you're looking for something serious, I'd say avoid the emotionally unavailable people. But if you want to see where it goes and notice that the emotional unavailability will be there for long-term, break it off. You can say you tried and you won't be heartbroken because someone was faking it the whole time. I like this answer. He wants to continue to hang out in our group of friends. I can't slam the door in his face because I will continue to see him around regardless of my decision. I'm gonna play it safe. I agree with previous posters who said he is used to regular sex but doesn't want a relationship. He wants FWB and has a ready excuse to dump you later "I told you I didn't want a serious relationship." You should be congratulating yourself for at least being finally aware of your self destructive pattern and spotting someone who will only use you. This is your final exam in this "course." I hope you pass. I think the "course" is never ending in my case. I have tests every time I meet a guy. I continue to meet new men, and they continue to test me.
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