Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I have a guy friend and we're really close. The other day we were talking and it came out that whenever my name comes up at home there is tension between him and his wife. He went on to insist that she's not jealous. I offered to go away but he said I'm important to him. The conversation confused me somewhat but the gist seems to be that our being close is having some impact at home but over all he likes the influence I have in his life. What are people's experience with this type of situation? I have no doubt he cares about me. But do you think I should bow out or let them figure it out between themselves? He never says anything bad about his wife. Other than that, I don't really know what their relationship is like.
FitChick Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 He should invite you to meet his wife so you can become her friend, too. At the very least, she wouldn't see you as much of a threat. Her imagination is her worst enemy.
Dust Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 strange that a married man would have such a private relationship with another woman. Seems inapropriate.
phineas Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 strange that a married man would have such a private relationship with another woman. Seems inapropriate. Stranger that his wife doesn't know this woman if I havn't missed my guess. I've never had a true female friend I found out because when I started dating my now ex-wife they choose to fall off the face of the earth rather than meet her.
lululucy Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 has he been reluctant to introduce you to her? that would be a big red flag to me. Go out for drinks with her and get to know her, if there are no ill intentions on either part then she will be soothed. If there are ill intentions, it would be best if you stepped aside out of respect for your friend and his marriage.
iris219 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I'm curious, what does "really close" mean? That sounds a bit suspicious. It's possible to have opposite sex married friends. I have a good guy friend who's married and there's nothing inappropriate about our relationship. I've only met his wife once and I've known him for 5 years. We maintain clear boundaries: we don't hang out alone (unless we're waiting for others to arrive or driving somewhere together) and we don't flirt. Do you and your friend have clear boundaries?
Author Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. We've known each other about a year. I've spoken with his wife on the phone a couple of times but briefly. It's not been a secret that him and I are friends. However, we never really discussed our relationship or boundaries. Everything has just sort of happened. By "everything" I mean just getting to know each other. When I say we're really close we talk a lot, mostly on the phone but sometimes he stops by my house or we meet someplace else. But, he has never tried to lay a hand on me. Our conversations have gotten really personal. And I guess I feel there is intimacy in that. I don't think he would ever do anything intentionally to hurt me or his wife or anyone he cares about. I just wonder if he is in denial right now and his wife picks up something that he doesn't want to admit.
Dust Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. We've known each other about a year. I've spoken with his wife on the phone a couple of times but briefly. It's not been a secret that him and I are friends. However, we never really discussed our relationship or boundaries. Everything has just sort of happened. By "everything" I mean just getting to know each other. When I say we're really close we talk a lot, mostly on the phone but sometimes he stops by my house or we meet someplace else. But, he has never tried to lay a hand on me. Our conversations have gotten really personal. And I guess I feel there is intimacy in that. I don't think he would ever do anything intentionally to hurt me or his wife or anyone he cares about. I just wonder if he is in denial right now and his wife picks up something that he doesn't want to admit. I know you're denial. A little too comfortable for him to just be stopping by your place don't you think? I don't even do that with most of my guy friends! Be careful you're brining drama into your lovely little life!
Citizen Erased Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. We've known each other about a year. I've spoken with his wife on the phone a couple of times but briefly. It's not been a secret that him and I are friends. However, we never really discussed our relationship or boundaries. Everything has just sort of happened. By "everything" I mean just getting to know each other. When I say we're really close we talk a lot, mostly on the phone but sometimes he stops by my house or we meet someplace else. But, he has never tried to lay a hand on me. Our conversations have gotten really personal. And I guess I feel there is intimacy in that. I don't think he would ever do anything intentionally to hurt me or his wife or anyone he cares about. I just wonder if he is in denial right now and his wife picks up something that he doesn't want to admit. The whole things sounds pretty damn inappropriate for a married man to be engaging in. I'd be throwing a fit if my husband engaged in a friendship like this. What do you hope to gain from this thread, and from your friendship with this apparently unavailable man?
iris219 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hanging out alone (especially at your house) and having intimate conversations sounds like you two are having an emotional affair, which often leads to a physical affair. While I think it's possible to be friends with a married man, I don't think it's possible to be very close friends if the wife is excluded. Would you accept it if your husband had the same sort of friendship with a woman?
Author Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I just never really thought it through, I guess. Please don't attack me though. That's why I'm here. To say it "out loud" and address it. Thanks for the responses and giving me something to think about.
2sunny Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Since his wife seems uneasy with your friendship - its best for everyone if you end things. He's married to her - it's his job NOT to cause suspicion for her. That means if she is wondering... You need to exit. That takes the integrity of a gal that respects marriage - are you that gal?
lululucy Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I just never really thought it through, I guess. Please don't attack me though. That's why I'm here. To say it "out loud" and address it. Thanks for the responses and giving me something to think about. I don't think anyone's attacking you, although perhaps saying things a little bluntly. Maybe you need to hear it bluntly from an outside perspective? Did you know him before he was married or after? It really sounds like he's keeping you separate for shady reasons, though it isn't really your fault -- I can understand telling yourself that you're doing nothing wrong (and really, you aren't) and choosing to ignore the weirdness of it all. But I think the rose coloured glasses have fallen off for you and it's time you really examined your friendship. A year is not very long. My closest male friend and I have been friends for ten years and I would tell him everything and vice versa -- but I know his girlfriend, and while we're not friends we're certainly friendly.
seibert253 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. We've known each other about a year. I've spoken with his wife on the phone a couple of times but briefly. It's not been a secret that him and I are friends. However, we never really discussed our relationship or boundaries. Everything has just sort of happened. By "everything" I mean just getting to know each other. When I say we're really close we talk a lot, mostly on the phone but sometimes he stops by my house or we meet someplace else. But, he has never tried to lay a hand on me. Our conversations have gotten really personal. And I guess I feel there is intimacy in that. I don't think he would ever do anything intentionally to hurt me or his wife or anyone he cares about. I just wonder if he is in denial right now and his wife picks up something that he doesn't want to admit. inappropriate? Yes. Sounds to me you're involved in an EA and don't realize it.
2sunny Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I'm friends with many MM. Because I never ever place myself in any position to cause the wife concern or harm - I am welcome to continue these friendships.
Author Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I don't think anyone's attacking you, although perhaps saying things a little bluntly. Maybe you need to hear it bluntly from an outside perspective? Did you know him before he was married or after? It really sounds like he's keeping you separate for shady reasons, though it isn't really your fault -- I can understand telling yourself that you're doing nothing wrong (and really, you aren't) and choosing to ignore the weirdness of it all. But I think the rose coloured glasses have fallen off for you and it's time you really examined your friendship. A year is not very long. My closest male friend and I have been friends for ten years and I would tell him everything and vice versa -- but I know his girlfriend, and while we're not friends we're certainly friendly. Thanks Lululucy. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted. He was already married when I met him. And I never really examined the fact that most of our friendship IS just the two of us. We live in a smallish town and know a lot of the same people, places, etc. though. ... oh, it just occurred to me that it could be hard to avoid him. Like you, I have a longtime close male friend. When he was married I knew his wife. He has spoiled me in a way, I guess, because I forget that it's not possible to keep things innocent with most male/female friendships. You're right though, I did choose to ignore a lot of things. And it was easy to tell myself it was okay. I never had to face any awkwardness. Something tells me it's getting awkward for him now. But for some reason he still wants me in his life. I need to do what's best for me. Thank you SO much for being so helpful.
Author Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 inappropriate? Yes. Sounds to me you're involved in an EA and don't realize it. I think you're right. Thanks.
2sunny Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 If there's anything happening or being said - if his wife were there - it's innocent IF you would be doing or saying the same if she were present. IF its not... It's best to end it in order to save yourself the pain.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I think that in general, if someone wants to have a successful and non threatening friendship with a married person of the opposite sex, they have to be VERY careful about boundaries, and also make a regular, concerted effort to include the spouse in get-togethers. I'm married, and really not insecure or jealous at all - but if my husband made a new friend who was a single woman and was visiting her at her home and talking on the phone a lot … well, he wouldn't be for long.
lululucy Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks Lululucy. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted. He was already married when I met him. And I never really examined the fact that most of our friendship IS just the two of us. We live in a smallish town and know a lot of the same people, places, etc. though. ... oh, it just occurred to me that it could be hard to avoid him. Like you, I have a longtime close male friend. When he was married I knew his wife. He has spoiled me in a way, I guess, because I forget that it's not possible to keep things innocent with most male/female friendships. You're right though, I did choose to ignore a lot of things. And it was easy to tell myself it was okay. I never had to face any awkwardness. Something tells me it's getting awkward for him now. But for some reason he still wants me in his life. I need to do what's best for me. Thank you SO much for being so helpful. I completely understand that, when you're used to a certain kind of male friendship it's easy to think that they can all be that way. Unfortunately not everyone has good intentions in our lives and it's sometimes really hard to tell! Especially when you're not the one with a significant other, there really isn't anything besides a good friend there for you. What he's thinking though, that's a whole other story. I'm glad you're looking more closely at this now! Protect your feelings however you need to and don't let him sweet talk ya. Next time you make friends with a MM, make sure you meet the wifey
Author Waitress Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks everyone!!! You have given me some great stuff to think about and a way to understand what's going on. I really appreciate you taking the time.
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