delilah123 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 my boyfriend of almost 4 years is leaving for a year to 'find himself' etc, he wants to get back with me when he comes back, and we have always talked long term future together. we havn't moved in together yet (both 21) but we will be when he comes home (provided our feelings havn't changed, which seems v unlikley, we get on extremely well and adore eachother). this trip is something he has always wanted to do and i'm proud of him for going. he has said he doesn't want to be with any one else while he is over there, but he doesn't want us to do LD, mainly because he is going on a trek and will have internet sometimes only once a month and no phone reception at all (so it would be a pretty lousy LDR) and because i think he needs to do this fully on his own, without needing to check in with somoene (No matter how much he misses me). I think 'taking a break' while he is gone will be good for me too, i don't want to hook up with anyone else either though. and i don't believe in LDR (not the kind we'd be able to have - no phone sex/contact once a month) - as in i think it'd stress me out wondering why he hadn't called etc. Anyway i just wanted to post it. i'm feeling really sad and i'm going to miss him so much he leaves in 2 weeks.
wild_urge Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Oh, well, you seem very ok with the whole situation, but are you sure you'll be ok with no contact for one years ... it is a long time... maybe an email once a month could keep the feelings between you two. Where is he going? I don't think I would ever be able to do it, I admire your determination... but do consider the fact that your feeling could change and that you could meet someone else ... it's a very long time and frankly I constantly feel lonely in my LDR, even though we talk almost daily... but it is true that expecting an e-mail or a call every so often may make you stress a lot if you don't get one ... mmm, I don't know... but imagine you are ok with not talking for a month, two months, but after 6-8 months, won't need to know if he's ok? if he's still coming back to you? What if this journey to "find himself changes him and he comes back a different person and you have waited one year for nothing? I don't want to scare you in any way, may be you have the perfect relationship and you do love each other enough to have a break so long and then get back to what was normal to you once ... but I personally don't see how no communication for a year could be good for any relationship, it is a long time, so many things will happen to you both, you'll have so many different thoughts during that time... it's been 4 months since I last saw my boyfriend... I barely remember what kissing, cuddling and sex feel like... However, it's up to you, up to how you feel... if you want something very much you can achieve it for sure! Don't give up
Bridgey Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 "Breaks" can be very messy. I highly suggest you both sit down and make sure you know what this break will mean for both of you. You say neither of you want to fool around with anyone else, but what if you change your mind in a few months? Are you both free to explore other options during this year if you want to? You seem to be taking this well and I hope this works out for you, but after being with each other for 4 years you have to realize this is going to be difficult, especially with no contact. The whole thing sounds a little selfish on his part, but if you feel it will benefit you both I wish you the best.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 A break huh? I know this much, if i was in love with someone, I wouldnt deliberately be away from them for more than a month - even if it was a traveling job. The only person I can be away from for a year was someone that I was never going to miss.
wild_urge Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Eddie, that’s a bit too much don't you think? A lot of people on this forum are in LDR due to different reasons, this isn't that much different, if it's what he has always dreamed of then why not? I myself wouldn't go away for a year especially no contact, but I have always dreamed to go to Kenya and now I have the chance to go on a research trip from school in the next few years for couple of months maybe ... although I would go for a semester if I could afford it ... it's a thing I have ALWAYS wanted to do and I don't see why I would have to sacrifice one thing or the other ... it doesn't mean you don't love the person... when my boyfriend left to go to school somewhere else I wasn't mad at him for leaving and two years later I still understand why he did it, although being apart hurts a lot ... so, please don't condemn her boyfriend so fast!
bean1 Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 I'm not in an LDR but I did do the whole take a year into the backwoods of the world but I have to say... even in the outskirts of Mt Sinai, there was telephone and internet available. Unless he's going to Antarctica (and even then...), I think he's BSing you about being connected. Then again, you seem to be okay with this arrangement - good luck to you
Eddie Edirol Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Eddie, that’s a bit too much don't you think? A lot of people on this forum are in LDR due to different reasons, this isn't that much different, if it's what he has always dreamed of then why not? I myself wouldn't go away for a year especially no contact, but I have always dreamed to go to Kenya and now I have the chance to go on a research trip from school in the next few years for couple of months maybe ... although I would go for a semester if I could afford it ... it's a thing I have ALWAYS wanted to do and I don't see why I would have to sacrifice one thing or the other ... it doesn't mean you don't love the person... when my boyfriend left to go to school somewhere else I wasn't mad at him for leaving and two years later I still understand why he did it, although being apart hurts a lot ... so, please don't condemn her boyfriend so fast! No its not too much, its realistic. Bean has it right. For this guy to be prepared to go away for a year and make sure she knows there will be no contact, he had to get emotionally disconnected way ahead of time. Next thing you know he comes back and tells her he met someone over there. I can be proven wrong in a year, I hope so for her sake, but for her own protection I suggest she moves on until shes told otherwise.
wild_urge Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 but he doesn't want to be bother with what's going on in the world, from what I understand, that makes it different! Making every day calls would mean that this journey to "find himself" will to be accomplished... I do understand how someone would want to be disconnected from the world for a while to get a much different perspective on the world around us! Life is not only internet and text messaging, technologies and this bull**** (excuse my language) that we live in ... if I had the guts, I would let’s say go work on an isolated farm for a year to appreciate the real things in life ... if he wants to do something like that then internet connection and phone calls would get in the way ... This is my perspective of course and as I said in my first post that I do think that no contact at all wouldn't be good for the relationship...
Author delilah123 Posted December 25, 2011 Author Posted December 25, 2011 Yeah thanks for getting the point he could contact the outside world but he doesn't want to. We are going to talk prob once a month and he has said he'd like to write letters and will send gifts back. I agree, who knows! We are open to explore ther relationships if it happens - hence the "semi ldr" as it isn't really one at all!
creighton0123 Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 You are going to feel really sad. There will be some days in the first week or two where it will really hurt. Like... physically hurt. My advice? Don't completely comply. Compromise. There is no reason to drop the "relationship" label. It is, after all, just a word. Request that the two of you catch up at least once a month, if only by email or snail mail. In 2011, there is no reason to go 'no contact'. Hell.... in 1920 there was no reason to go 'no contact'. Even in discovering himself, there is no reason he can't maintain connections with people he cares about.
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