sunflowering Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Hi everyone. So our story kind of went like this. We dated from high school and into college, for 3 years. He dumped me during the summer of my sophomore year saying he was 'in love' with me anymore. (he also kind of liked another girl, but he didn't cheat on me) He broke it off with me, but then came back around October saying he wanted to give our relationship another shot. He felt like he cut off our relationship short. So towards the end of October I decided to give him the chance and we reconciled and went back into the relationship. At first we were both really happy with each other, and he was really happy that I chose to give it a second shot. I think towards the end of our relationship, he became attracted to one of my friends that he talked with once. Our second time lasted for a little bit over a month, its been two weeks since we broke up. So my dilemma is, I know the first time he ended it with me, it seemed like he was going through the 'grass is greener' syndrome, where he started partying, smoking, and then trying to straighten out his academics without me. He said he needed to do things on his own. But this second time, he complained to my friend that he just really wanted someone to talk to, and that i was too needy, etc. For me, i didn't think I was too dependent on him this time around. I usually had lunch, and dinner with friends, and occasionally dinner with him. I slept over at his place at night usually, but towards the end i stopped staying on the weekdays. I tried to make time for both of us to see each other every day. In the end what my friends understood from him was that he wanted more of a challenge, something new/different, maybe because he got bored and wasn't 'feeling' it. I broke up with him this time first because he said he didn't know if he loved me, he didn't know what he wants, he didn't know himself, he couldn't see a future with me, he would only say "i'm just enjoying it right now", and he just didn't look happy to me. I went back later the same day to try to reconcile, because maybe i thought since we were young, we could just enjoy each other. But he turned me down and said he only saw me as a friend. and after we broke up, he shaved his head a couple of days ago. So my dilemma is: Is he just going through 'the grass is greener'? Or have we just outgrown each other? Or if I was more independent and focused on myself more and less clingy? In the end, I knew throughout the relationship, I was giving a lot more than he was contributing. I was a lot more interested than he was. Should I have stopped doing so much? I know he took me for granted during the relationship.... Basically i'm stuck here wondering if things would've turned out differently if I DID something differently. Is it his problem? or is it also mine? He told me I deserve better, and that he didn't think he was a good boyfriend. And my friends have also voiced to me countless times that they think I deserve better, and that he's a jerk. In my point of view, I felt like a guy that was really into the girl would be a good boyfriend, but if they lose interest, even the good boyfriends turn bad.
Author sunflowering Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 Even though whenever I'm alone, I tend to think about this quite a bit; if things could've worked out, if they could've turned out differently. But I've also been trying to preoccupy myself with things. I took up learning guitar, I focused on spending more time with my friends, and I'm reading some books here and there. I'm going to start playing piano again once the new semester starts, and I'm going to focus on my academics. I'm a bit confused, trying to figure out where my priorities should lie. How much I should do for a relationship. Because everything I did for my ex was because I enjoyed doing it for him. Because I loved him in every single way, and it didn't feel like a job. How can I find a better balance for my next relationship? Between friends, academics, and a relationship? I've been stuck on this for awhile...
Soxfaninfl Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 (edited) I would not waist any more time on this guy. I know the pain of hearing someone telling me that they are not in love with me anymore. This guy doesn't know what he wants. It sounds like he wants to jump from relationship to another relationship looking for that high of a new love. He did see that the grass was not greener, but something caught his eye again. You deserve someone better. He also sounds immature. There is nothing you could have done differently. Move on and learn from this relationship. You shouldn't have to change for anyone. They should love you for who you are. Don't settle. You deserve to be happy and should not be treated like this. Some times people change and not for the better. He did state that to you. You sound like a great girl, and any guy would be lucky to have you. Edited December 23, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
M2155 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Basically i'm stuck here wondering if things would've turned out differently if I DID something differently. Is it his problem? or is it also mine? He told me I deserve better, and that he didn't think he was a good boyfriend. And my friends have also voiced to me countless times that they think I deserve better, and that he's a jerk. In my point of view, I felt like a guy that was really into the girl would be a good boyfriend, but if they lose interest, even the good boyfriends turn bad. You can wonder forever but you'll never know. I see some of the same thoughts here I had too. I gave way more than he did and I too think it could have turned out differently...but you do what you feel. We give more when the other person isn't deserving and I think that does lead to being taken for granted. So our partner can give us less, we'll still be right there giving more and even worse when we sacrifice trying to please when the other person makes little effort. I do definitely believe now in there being a give-and-take, that a man especially appreciates doing for you instead of you giving, giving giving when you get scared he's pulling away. And what I think of the you deserve better comment is true. He's saying you deserve someone that can return the effort and feelings you had for him. Can't say I'm right, that's just a personal takeaway I'm taking into my next relationship.
Author sunflowering Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Yeah I can't dwell on the reasons why, and I'm sure as time goes on, I'll feel less and less of what I feel right now. I'm sure there will be somebody out there that really appreciates me for being there for them. He's my first love so its a bit hard for me. He actually hit on my friend through Facebook messaging a day after we broke up, and even though she ignored him, he sent a couple more within the week. She told me not to jump to conclusions, but there's no other reason why he's only messaging her out of all my friends, when he's only met her twice. I felt like I didn't give him something he needed... I guess I just wasn't really making him happy.
Recommended Posts