TheFinalWord Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Well, I am always giving out advice on here (not sure it's the best haha), but I thought I would seek some for a change So there is a girl I had a massive crush on last year. I had never crushed on a girl like this. She was also interested in me, but always put up a wall b/c she had been burnt bad in the past. I never got the full story, but you can tell she has trust issues. Still, naive as it was, I pursued. Probably asked her out 15 to 16 times (I know what a idiot right?). We actually did go on one date which was her idea, but then it was back to the games. Normally I would have given up but she kept giving signals she was interested. One thing I learned from that is you can't convince someone to like you... Anyway, I finally gave up and started dating someone else. I ended up splitting up with that girl and the girl I had been pursing came back into my life. She initiated contact. Everything was great at first and we were talking a lot but after a few weeks it was back to the games again. Finally after a month of so of this going back and forth I told her how I felt and she said she does like me but does not want a relationship right now but she really values me and wants to stay friends. She said she did like me a lot last year, but is not ready for a relationship. She said when she is ready to date again she would definitely be into me. I know what the "not ready for a relationship" really means...at least I think. Reassure me Well, we still have chatted a few times since that conversation. She always responds to my communication, but I do all of the initiating (I'm not sure how that is being friends if only one person is doing the contacting). I also feel she has that wall up again and won't let me in. But she'll continue saying really nice things to me when we do talk. We haven't talked in about two weeks...should I text her Merry Christmas? Also, why do I even care about her? Is it just b/c I can't have her? Does she really want to 'be friends' or is that just a nice way to tell me to bug off? We do have to see each other occasionally for work. When we do run into each other, she kind of avoids me and won't make direct eye contact. The thing is I have not pestered her or done anything since that conversation to make her feel awkward. I have kept my distance but I have still tried to maintain some level of contact. It's like I get mixed signals. Rationally I know that if she liked me she would make time for me or at some point at least give me a honest chance to show my true colors. I also know that it's not good for us to make an attempt if she is not ready for a relationship. It's better for us to give it a go when she is healed. She's also mid-20s if that helps. Also there has been no physical stuff outside of hugging. PS: for the girls, unrequited love happens to guys too PSS: I am talking to other girls too, but for some reason I can't get over this girl...driving me crazy!
Feelsgoodman Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 We haven't talked in about two weeks...should I text her Merry Christmas? No!!! Why give this attention whore any more validation? Also, why do I even care about her? Is it just b/c I can't have her? You care because you are lonely, have no other options and perhaps a bit desperate...and she is attractive. But as you said, you can't make someone like you. We've all made that mistake. This woman is not your friend. She's nothing but a source of frustration and negativity in your life. Delete her number and move on.
Author TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks for the advice friend.
lululucy Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I wouldn't necessarily classify her as an attention whore but I think you're right in what you said -- you know what "not ready for a relationship" means. If she was really into you, she'd be ready. She isn't really a friend either, as you pointed out; with my friend, I text them at least as much as they text me. I think she really enjoys your company but she has zero interest in you romantically/physically. Because you're still sore from this, don't text her Merry Christmas. If you had no feelings, it would be fine to text a friend that. Please take a hint after asking out the next girl more than once if she says no! You don't want to be harbouring feelings for another woman and alienating yourself from finding somebody for real.
fivefive Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Honestly bro, I've been in your exact shoes. The girl I was massively "in love" with told me the same thing. She's not ready for a relationship, wants to stay friends, always flirted with me, we talked about sex all the time, we even hooked up... BUT, I was led on. She ended up finding the man of her dreams in between the time I was talking to her and all of a sudden, she's ready for a relationship with this guy. A lot of times when a girl says, "I'm not ready for a relationship" it usually means "I don't want a relationship with you" for whatever reasons she may have. I would be very cautious about this.
Dust Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Why didn't you kiss her on that one date you guys went on?
TuffCookieX Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Why do people say "I'm not ready for a relationship" and then continue to flirt and carry on with the games? I hate this bullcrap, I am in the same boat ALL the time. I just posted a topic about it. If I am REALLY interested in someone, I am ready to be with them. If I flirt with someone, it means I really like them. You can text her Merry Christmas but keep the talk small. I'd be polite and distant. You already made enough moves, the ball is in her stupid court. But it sounds like she's wasted enough of your time. I wish I could take my own advice.
Author TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I wouldn't necessarily classify her as an attention whore but I think you're right in what you said -- you know what "not ready for a relationship" means. If she was really into you, she'd be ready. She isn't really a friend either, as you pointed out; with my friend, I text them at least as much as they text me. I think she really enjoys your company but she has zero interest in you romantically/physically. Because you're still sore from this, don't text her Merry Christmas. If you had no feelings, it would be fine to text a friend that. Please take a hint after asking out the next girl more than once if she says no! You don't want to be harbouring feelings for another woman and alienating yourself from finding somebody for real. Thanks lululucy. I do know she is physically attracted to me b/c she told me out right that she was. She also said if she was ready, I would be her type. But I will adhere to what you have said b/c you're right I feel like I have already put myself out there and the ball is in her court if her feelings change. I feel like I have done everything possible to show her that I am a good man. I could show her more, but she hasn't given me the opportunity. So all I can do now is just stay away and let her grow and mature. Maybe someday she'll realize...who knows. But I will take your advice and not hang any hopes on her b/c that could shut out other women who will appreciate me Why didn't you kiss her on that one date you guys went on? Good question. Well prior to this date she cancelled on me like three times. So when she suggested we go on a date I was not sure if I could trust her. And the context of the date was not that romantic. I know that sounds lame but I am the type of guy that has to "feel" the first kiss. If I don't there won't be any passion and I didn't want her to think there was no chemistry. I don't know why I go for these girls that play me like this lol I wish I knew about this forum last year, it would have saved me a lot of time! I would be very cautious about this. You're absolutely right. Thanks for the advice. You can text her Merry Christmas but keep the talk small. I'd be polite and distant. You already made enough moves, the ball is in her stupid court. But it sounds like she's wasted enough of your time. I wish I could take my own advice. Yeah, I've told others on here to do that too My plan from now on is to keep my distance and not initiate any communication. Does that sound good? I would go total NC but I may run into her at work. In those cases I will just be polite and keep moving. I can honestly say I have done nothing wrong to this girl. In fact I have done a lot to help her out in many ways (too many details to cover). So if she wants to be friends with me she can take the initiative at this point. I feel I've given her a thousand opportunities. I will take your guys' advice and not text. I was looking for an outside opinion b/c Christmas is usually a time that if you don't communicate with someone it sends a signal. Which maybe is a good thing here Thanks guys for taking the time to answer so close to Christmas
Eddie Edirol Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hey TFW, She could still be thinking about her last guy, and you havent made her forget about him. So she COULD be saying she wants to be friends so that you wont be far out of touch when shes ready. She doesnt initiate communication with you because, well, you have to have some attraction to someone to want to contact them. when youre in a funk, you dont want to talk to many people. But Fivefive is on point with this: If she was truly attracted to you, you would have made her forget about her ex. So since that isnt happening, dont give her any more attention. Let her find someone who she will actually want to trust. Dont waste anymore time on her. It really does sound like attention. If she comes back again, see if she is ready to really go for it, let her do all of the initiating.
Author TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 (edited) Hey TFW, She could still be thinking about her last guy, and you havent made her forget about him. So she COULD be saying she wants to be friends so that you wont be far out of touch when shes ready. She doesnt initiate communication with you because, well, you have to have some attraction to someone to want to contact them. when youre in a funk, you dont want to talk to many people. But Fivefive is on point with this: If she was truly attracted to you, you would have made her forget about her ex. So since that isnt happening, dont give her any more attention. Let her find someone who she will actually want to trust. Dont waste anymore time on her. It really does sound like attention. If she comes back again, see if she is ready to really go for it, let her do all of the initiating. Thanks for the tip. What would it take to actually do that? My guess is that he cheated on her. The thing is I feel like she pulls away when she starts to get close to me. When she does that I do genuinely feel that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I feel like she knows she could fall for me and makes sure she is never in a position to do so. So I feel that she hasn't really given me the chance to make her forget about her ex. She told me that when she goes through a break up it is rough on her and she does not want to take a chance of going through that right now. She wants to focus on her career... I'm just asking out of curiosity though. I'm not going to try to convince her or keep putting myself out there. I feel like I've already let myself get walked on enough ha:D All in all I don't think she is mature enough right now. So, it is better to leave it be. Who knows maybe our paths will cross again someday and she'll be open to me. If I'm still available! I'm not waiting around on her! ...reminds me of a song! Edited December 24, 2011 by TheFinalWord
bunny05 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I'm in almost the exact same situation as you, but I'm a girl. The guy that I am interested in has complimented me several times (very nice and seemingly sincere compliments about both my personality and my looks). He has hugged me and has even given me a kiss on the cheek, which he initiated when I gave him an early small Christmas gift. Yet every time I've suggested that we hang out/ spend time together he's rejected my offers and never wants to spend time with me, yet when we randomly run into each other he'll stop to talk to me or even go out of his way to approach me for a short (five minute) conversation. Lately I haven't been frequenting the places where we usually run into each other. Before the end of the semester I saw him once, gave him a polite smile and didn't stop to talk. I'm just over it. You're so right that you can't convince anyone to like you, and if someone can't take the initiative to build a relationship with a quality person (it doesn't even have to be romantic) then that person's not worth your time and effort.
Author TheFinalWord Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I'm in almost the exact same situation as you, but I'm a girl. The guy that I am interested in has complimented me several times (very nice and seemingly sincere compliments about both my personality and my looks). He has hugged me and has even given me a kiss on the cheek, which he initiated when I gave him an early small Christmas gift. Yet every time I've suggested that we hang out/ spend time together he's rejected my offers and never wants to spend time with me, yet when we randomly run into each other he'll stop to talk to me or even go out of his way to approach me for a short (five minute) conversation. Lately I haven't been frequenting the places where we usually run into each other. Before the end of the semester I saw him once, gave him a polite smile and didn't stop to talk. I'm just over it. You're so right that you can't convince anyone to like you, and if someone can't take the initiative to build a relationship with a quality person (it doesn't even have to be romantic) then that person's not worth your time and effort. Thanks for sharing bunny05 I'm sorry he treated you like that. I know how much it hurts! This girl told me that before she'll get in a relationship it has to be friends first. I was okay with that, and tried to build a friendship. But it gets tiring when only one is doing the work. I just felt like she is either playing me, unsure what she actually wants, or does not know how to build a healthy relationship (I have a feeling the last one is a big part of it). The thing was when we weren't talking about all of this relationship stuff and just talking about daily stuff, she really knew how to talk to me. That's a hard thing to find in a woman. We connected in many ways, which is why I think it's been hard for me to get over it. But I know it's not healthy. New year coming up and she's sooo 2011
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