lululucy Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I feel like I've started a zillion threads this month but here's another one. My bf is going through some problems right now. His roommate started dealing coke -- my man doesn't touch drugs and is now taking out a mortgage to buy his own house. On top of that, he got a call from his dad in Ontario six weeks or so ago that his brother (who works up north) stopped showing up for work, took out all his money from the joint account he had with his dad and went on a coke binge. His number is cut off, nobody has talked to him since late October. This is all pretty heavy stuff. Z hasn't had a girlfriend before me in 2 years (he was busy having month long flings and getting "bored") and two years ago he was nineteen and just moved to this province. A few times I've asked him about the situation with his brother, specifically whether or not it's gotten better -- his general reaction is to shut down. He'll say "No, still haven't heard" but his body will tense up, he'll stop making eye-contact and he won't talk for a few minutes. Generally I try to cheer him up because I can't stand when people I care about are upset but nothing really works so I end up sitting beside him doing nothing. I know a lot of guys have trouble talking about how they feel about stuff, my ex was the same way for a long time. Is there any thing I can do to make him feel more comfortable telling me things? Or is it one of those things I'm just going to have to get used to/wait out?
Casablanca Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I know a lot of guys have trouble talking about how they feel about stuff, my ex was the same way for a long time. Is there any thing I can do to make him feel more comfortable telling me things? Or is it one of those things I'm just going to have to get used to/wait out? You're probably just going to have to work it out. I know what after I've had a couple of drinks I'm usually more likely to open up some. I like a lot of guys do have a hard time talking about my feelings. There are only a select 2 or 3 that have gotten to see really deep into me and my feelings.
spice4life Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Don't have any advice, just wanted to say that it shows you care about him a lot by asking these questions. He's a lucky guy.
Author lululucy Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 You're probably just going to have to work it out. I know what after I've had a couple of drinks I'm usually more likely to open up some. I like a lot of guys do have a hard time talking about my feelings. There are only a select 2 or 3 that have gotten to see really deep into me and my feelings. Is there anything in particular those two or three people did that helped you open up to them? or is it just a trust and wait kind of thing? I don't want to pressure him into spilling if he isn't comfortable but I do want to impress upon him that he could tell me -anything- without me making it a big deal. Don't have any advice, just wanted to say that it shows you care about him a lot by asking these questions. He's a lucky guy. Aw thank you! I definitely do
Casablanca Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Is there anything in particular those two or three people did that helped you open up to them? or is it just a trust and wait kind of thing? I don't want to pressure him into spilling if he isn't comfortable but I do want to impress upon him that he could tell me -anything- without me making it a big deal. Okay, so I'll break down each of the 3 Jake - one of my best friends, been friends with/known him for about 6 years. He started by opening up to me, and I eventually followed suit, but it took a while. Someone had to take the first step, and it was him of talking about close personal (woman related) stuff. Lindsey - She is my best friend, I havent known her super long, maybe only 3 years. We grew close as being in the same teacher program. With her I opened up first when I leaned on her when I realized that I had made a mistake with my previous girlfriend (which I was also seeing someone at the time and it was almost valentines day, it was a huge mess). I actually cried at times while talking with her. It was a rough time and she was easier to open up with cause she is a woman. My friend Jake, we werent hanging out too much at this time actually Julia - We went out causally for a couple of months, nothing close to serious. I remember one night, we were at a bar after a date and I had a couple drinks. We some how got onto a topic where I felt it was relevant to talk about how my dad and I don't have as close a relationship as I would like because he worked nights all through my childhood (and still to this day). We get along and love each other and he made a sacrifice for his family which I totally understand and am thankful for. I talked about how I'm a sucker for anything that has a good father-son dynamic in movies, books, shows, etc So it is hard to say, here is what helps though; if you have been open with me before, or if I've had a drink or two in me to loosen me up and let my guard down. One thing all three of these people have, especially the two women is they are strong and independent, so I feel like they can carry me when I'm down. I've had a couple relationships where I didnt open up much because I didnt feel they were strong enough to carry me when I'm down. It might sound stupid or petty, but for me it is hard to open up and I have to feel safe in order to open up. Hope I helped some what. Good luck!
TheFinalWord Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I feel like I've started a zillion threads this month but here's another one. My bf is going through some problems right now. His roommate started dealing coke -- my man doesn't touch drugs and is now taking out a mortgage to buy his own house. On top of that, he got a call from his dad in Ontario six weeks or so ago that his brother (who works up north) stopped showing up for work, took out all his money from the joint account he had with his dad and went on a coke binge. His number is cut off, nobody has talked to him since late October. This is all pretty heavy stuff. Z hasn't had a girlfriend before me in 2 years (he was busy having month long flings and getting "bored") and two years ago he was nineteen and just moved to this province. A few times I've asked him about the situation with his brother, specifically whether or not it's gotten better -- his general reaction is to shut down. He'll say "No, still haven't heard" but his body will tense up, he'll stop making eye-contact and he won't talk for a few minutes. Generally I try to cheer him up because I can't stand when people I care about are upset but nothing really works so I end up sitting beside him doing nothing. I know a lot of guys have trouble talking about how they feel about stuff, my ex was the same way for a long time. Is there any thing I can do to make him feel more comfortable telling me things? Or is it one of those things I'm just going to have to get used to/wait out? I agree, he is a lucky guy to have such a caring GF! Does he generally open up to you about other things? The reason I ask is b/c he may not have really processed the situation yet. A lot of times I can't open up until I can actually understand what I am feeling myself. This sounds like a new situation he hasn't faced before and he may not be sure what to make of it himself.
Author lululucy Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 So it is hard to say, here is what helps though; if you have been open with me before, or if I've had a drink or two in me to loosen me up and let my guard down. One thing all three of these people have, especially the two women is they are strong and independent, so I feel like they can carry me when I'm down. I've had a couple relationships where I didnt open up much because I didnt feel they were strong enough to carry me when I'm down. It might sound stupid or petty, but for me it is hard to open up and I have to feel safe in order to open up. Hope I helped some what. Good luck! That is really good to know -- it doesn't sound stupid at all to have to wait until you feel safe to open up. I'm pretty bad myself at sharing how I feel, I usually just lock it down and not talk about it with anyone until I'm close to losing it (bit hypocritical now that I think about it, since I'm not really telling him all my deep-dark stuff). That makes a lot of sense, thanks so much I agree, he is a lucky guy to have such a caring GF! Does he generally open up to you about other things? The reason I ask is b/c he may not have really processed the situation yet. A lot of times I can't open up until I can actually understand what I am feeling myself. This sounds like a new situation he hasn't faced before and he may not be sure what to make of it himself. Thank you! hee That's a really good point. We've talked about his first (only?) love and how much it hurt him when she left, and stuff about his parents when they split up and how alienated he feels from his brothers/dad a lot of the time -- so we've talked about some of the really crappy stuff he's had to deal with. You're totally right, he probably has no idea what to make of it which would make things so much harder. I never thought of it that way before.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 As a guy, I don't like to share my feelings. People tend to look down on a guy who is too emotional. Many times I've shared my feelings only for it to have things end up worse or nothig changed. I know many guys who feel like I do. That's why they hesitate to share feelings.
TheFinalWord Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 T Thank you! hee That's a really good point. We've talked about his first (only?) love and how much it hurt him when she left, and stuff about his parents when they split up and how alienated he feels from his brothers/dad a lot of the time -- so we've talked about some of the really crappy stuff he's had to deal with. You're totally right, he probably has no idea what to make of it which would make things so much harder. I never thought of it that way before. Glad it helped a little Yeah, it doesn't seem he has a problem opening up to you per say. For myself and a lot of guys we tend to process emotions internally. Girls tend to process emotions externally by talking about it with others. When he does process it he may seek your help to validate and support/bolster his conclusions. Merry Christmas
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