kkay Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Ex and I broke up 4 months ago (both 27), lived together for 3 years and for me, it came out of the blue. He left and moved home. Retrospectively, its the best thing that could have happened for me. I started counseling and dealing with a prior assault that had haunted me for years and am in the best mental head space I have ever been. Long break up story short... When he left he put up a HUGE guard and would not speak to me. I sent a letter, a few phone calls but I knew space was what he wanted/needed. Anyway, some nasty things happened in the span of four months the biggest being he bought a house with his brother which I found out about over fbook but all things aside nothing dire has happened. So- the real crazy part. I invited him over tonight to discuss a few things re: furniture, congratulate him on his house, discuss what has happened in our lives... simple conversational items. Anyway, the conversation goes amazing, spectacular! We are laughing and having a great time when he brings up my counseling. So, I am feeling comfortable and I start talking about it and it goes fairly deep. I bring up that I would like to open the lines of communication between us again and he thinks that means I want to jump back into things where we left off. I clarify that I just mean talking, like on a monthly basis. He starts to get a little freaked out and says he can't be an emotional support for me right now. I explain to him that I do not need emotional support, I just miss him and care about him. He starts crying... it becomes evident that he has NOT been talking about this break up with anyone (he says this to me) and I offer that if and when he feels comfortable I will be here for him to talk to. I started explaining where I feel I failed in the relationship (using him as an outlet for my anger, being a horrible communicator, not seeking help sooner) and, that I am not angry at him for his actions because I do not know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the the other foot. I was extremely sincere and caring in every word I said. Basically, from his reactions, I think all of my words hit home and cause him an extreme emotional meltdown. He would get up and say, 'I can't handle this', I would stop talking, stay seated let him cool down and he would come back and ask me to continue. I didn't chase him, he continually came back to me to listen. So- overall our visit was about 2 hours and consisted of an hour of catching up and an hour of deep talking on my part and serious listening on his. He cried the whole time we were talking and just couldn't stop. I'm extremely concerned for him right now because it was evident he hasn't been dealing with his emotions. He ended up leaving in tears and was completely distraught. He gave me a big long hug, kissed my cheek and left. I really think my words hit a chord inside of him, finally. I guess - I'm concerned for his well-being as it is evident he is not attempting to deal with anything. Do I do anything or just sit back and let him think about this over the holidays? I feel completely horrible that I threw this on him right before cmas but it just kind of ended up falling out of my mouth...
Melrapuo Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Ex and I broke up 4 months ago (both 27), lived together for 3 years and for me, it came out of the blue. He left and moved home. Retrospectively, its the best thing that could have happened for me. I started counseling and dealing with a prior assault that had haunted me for years and am in the best mental head space I have ever been. Long break up story short... When he left he put up a HUGE guard and would not speak to me. I sent a letter, a few phone calls but I knew space was what he wanted/needed. Anyway, some nasty things happened in the span of four months the biggest being he bought a house with his brother which I found out about over fbook but all things aside nothing dire has happened. So- the real crazy part. I invited him over tonight to discuss a few things re: furniture, congratulate him on his house, discuss what has happened in our lives... simple conversational items. Anyway, the conversation goes amazing, spectacular! We are laughing and having a great time when he brings up my counseling. So, I am feeling comfortable and I start talking about it and it goes fairly deep. I bring up that I would like to open the lines of communication between us again and he thinks that means I want to jump back into things where we left off. I clarify that I just mean talking, like on a monthly basis. He starts to get a little freaked out and says he can't be an emotional support for me right now. I explain to him that I do not need emotional support, I just miss him and care about him. He starts crying... it becomes evident that he has NOT been talking about this break up with anyone (he says this to me) and I offer that if and when he feels comfortable I will be here for him to talk to. I started explaining where I feel I failed in the relationship (using him as an outlet for my anger, being a horrible communicator, not seeking help sooner) and, that I am not angry at him for his actions because I do not know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the the other foot. I was extremely sincere and caring in every word I said. Basically, from his reactions, I think all of my words hit home and cause him an extreme emotional meltdown. He would get up and say, 'I can't handle this', I would stop talking, stay seated let him cool down and he would come back and ask me to continue. I didn't chase him, he continually came back to me to listen. So- overall our visit was about 2 hours and consisted of an hour of catching up and an hour of deep talking on my part and serious listening on his. He cried the whole time we were talking and just couldn't stop. I'm extremely concerned for him right now because it was evident he hasn't been dealing with his emotions. He ended up leaving in tears and was completely distraught. He gave me a big long hug, kissed my cheek and left. I really think my words hit a chord inside of him, finally. I guess - I'm concerned for his well-being as it is evident he is not attempting to deal with anything. Do I do anything or just sit back and let him think about this over the holidays? I feel completely horrible that I threw this on him right before cmas but it just kind of ended up falling out of my mouth... You did what you felt you had to do. I'm sure there are several emotions going through his head right now - guilt, sadness, anger, depression. Believe it or not, when two people break up (and there's no cheating involved) both parties go through the same pain. I think a lot of people assume that the ex is heartless, and they aren't. They did what they felt they had to do. The way he deals with his emotions are his concern. You have to deal with your own. Don't feel horrible. He knew the possibility of what he was getting into the moment he walked into your home. He may have not liked what he had to hear, but part of him probably still wanted to hear it. I would treat it like this - when he would get up out of the room, you would sit there calmly, allowing him to collect himself and return when he was ready. I think, in terms of this situation, you should practice the same thing. Does that mean he will return and get comfort from you? Not necessarily. But if he needs a solid foundation to go to, and you've proven that you can be there for him, he may talk to you again. Keep in mind, though, that you two are ex's, not friends. This may mean that he won't be able to talk to you, just because of the situation. Take a step back and see what role you want to play in this whole thing. As a friend, a support for your ex? Go ahead and be that only when HE comes looking for it. You've already put yourself out there. As getting back together? At the moment, that doesn't seem like a possibility. Not trying to be harsh, but if he isn't dealing with the break up the way he should be, then you two getting back together will not be an option. I'm sure he has a lot of things going through his mind. If you need anything, please feel free to message me or any others on LS. We're all here to help
Author kkay Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thank you SO much for your response! You have no idea how nice it is to get some feedback from a neutral person!! Last night when he left he was clearly distraught so I sent him a text making sure he made it home safely. I didn't hear anything from him but I received a text today with a mild joke and that he appreciated the message. I know - I am not getting false hope but it is just nice to finally see a reaction AND a response regardless of how small it is. You are right - the way he deals with his emotions are his concerns and he himself reminded me of that last night. I kept saying I felt really, really guilty and selfish for throwing all of this on him and he was caring enough to say that I need to focus on me, not on his emotions and reactions. You're advice has really reiterated how I was planning on handling this situation. Sitting back and letting him handle his emotions and come to me if and when he is ready. I love him with all of my heart and didn't realize/appreciate/understand how much until he was gone and out of my life. It really is true, you don't know what you have until it is gone. I have been nothing but patient, I haven't been pushy or demanding and I am not going to start now... In regards to him dealing with the break up - he isn't and I KNOW that right now, being together isn't healthy for us for that reason. Like I mentioned, I have been dealing with the break up AND my issues since day one of the break up. I feel as though I am four months ahead of him in realizing what I want. I know I cannot push this on him and I am okay with that. I do not want to make someone feel like they HAVE to be with me. I want someone that WANTS to be with me because they can't live without me. I have changed so much in four months and he saw that last night. The old me would have never been so honest and sincere... I think that is why he was so emotional about the discussion... I love him. I want to help him and support him, if he asks for it... Thanks again. Happy Holidays
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