bohica Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 So anyone who has followed by other threads know that my relationship is all but ending. It's a very complicated relationship that I don't see lasting. I broke up with her a little over a week ago but because of the holidays it hasn't been a clean break and needless to say not an easy thing to do. I decided (and expressed) that I wanted to enjoy the holidays with no heart break. We love each other but it's way complicated. Shes been a great friend and I care about her but in the 'short term' I don't think it will happen. To the point... She has expressed over the past year that she wanted a birthstone ring. I have found one at a really good price...a fraction of the retail cost. Would it be ok to buy it for her as a xmas gift or is it sending the wrong message? Yes or No ?
Philosoraptor Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 If it's going to end and you are sure of such things then I wouldn't spend much at all. I might be of a different thought process but if I don't see a true future with someone I cut ties as that time could be spent finding the person I will spend the rest of my life with.
CarrieT Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Way wrong message - don't even go there with a girl. A ring is a symbol and means something; even those simple trinkets. No way should you be giving her a ring if you don't see the relationship lasting.
Author bohica Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 If it's going to end and you are sure of such things then I wouldn't spend much at all. Its really not about the price. Its very inexpensive. Its about the product itself and whether or not it sends the wrong message.
oaks Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 You already broke up with her over a week ago... and you're thinking of getting her a ring? Did I read that correctly? Crazy idea. Get her chocolates if anything.
ditzchic Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 It absolutely sends the wrong message. If you ever liked or had any respect for this girl at all don't do it. That's the ultimate mixed message. Just let her go with a clean break so she can live her life without the anxiety that comes with second guessing everything. I'm gathering it's a timing issue because you mention it's not happening in the short term. If you really want to keep the possibilities open for the future you need to leave her alone to live her life and grow on her own. Keeping her hanging on by a string will only prolong the process of her getting on with her life. It will also cause bitterness once she realizes she's being toyed with. I've always had more respect for the guys that made a nice clean break as opposed to the guys that kept me around and gave me just enough to keep hanging on. If one of those guys who had me hanging on were to call me right now and ask for a do-over I'd tell them to go suck an egg. If one of the guys who gave me a clean break called, I'd probably consider it.
azsinglegal Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 It absolutely sends the wrong message. If you ever liked or had any respect for this girl at all don't do it. That's the ultimate mixed message. Just let her go with a clean break so she can live her life without the anxiety that comes with second guessing everything. I'm gathering it's a timing issue because you mention it's not happening in the short term. If you really want to keep the possibilities open for the future you need to leave her alone to live her life and grow on her own. Keeping her hanging on by a string will only prolong the process of her getting on with her life. It will also cause bitterness once she realizes she's being toyed with. I've always had more respect for the guys that made a nice clean break as opposed to the guys that kept me around and gave me just enough to keep hanging on. If one of those guys who had me hanging on were to call me right now and ask for a do-over I'd tell them to go suck an egg. If one of the guys who gave me a clean break called, I'd probably consider it. ^^ Agree with this
make me believe Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Of COURSE it sends the wrong message! You shouldn't get her anything, let alone a ring. What exactly about the holidays means that you guys can't have a clean break?? Are you attending each other's family gatherings, or parties as a couple, or what? If so, why? Just break up and go your separate ways. I don't understand the idea of pretending everything is ok so that you can have a happier holiday.
Author bohica Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 Of COURSE it sends the wrong message! You shouldn't get her anything, let alone a ring. What exactly about the holidays means that you guys can't have a clean break?? Are you attending each other's family gatherings, or parties as a couple, or what? If so, why? Just break up and go your separate ways. I don't understand the idea of pretending everything is ok so that you can have a happier holiday. I love all the advise. I know its' the wrong thing and sends the wrong message. Thank you. As for the above...No one is pretending anything. Every couple has there own story. Sometimes the holidays means being more sensitive towards the feelings of others more then ever. Were friends and yes she was invited over the 'families' house for dinner. Except for two distant brothers the only one I have is my mother and she (the girlfriend) would other wise be alone. I totally agree with ditzchic however as I said I am being sensitive towards the holidays thing but it doesn't make me a bad guy and it is in part for selfish reasons.Once things are done they are going to be done. I believe in the clean break. It may seem harsh at first but in the long run it's the most healthy and respectful thing to do.
Stung Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I think it's lovely that you are trying to be so sensitive to her feelings, and trying to ease your parting by giving her something you know she's been wanting--however, as others have already pointed out, a ring is a highly symbolic item to most women and could send a mixed message. In addition, honestly, just getting something you've been wanting for a year under such pained, regretful circumstances could indelibly stain the birthstone ring with sadness for her, by association, which I'm sure is not at all what you would want. I don't think it's a bad idea to give her something, necessarily, but it's a bit tricky if she's a sensitive person and a symbolic thinker. I would stay away from anything with bittersweet memory attached, personally, but also steer away from the purely impersonal kind of thing you'd buy a friendly coworker, which IMO could also send a negative message. If you're going to give her a gift, you've got to find a middle ground.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 How do you think she'll perceive it? Is that a good thing for both of you if it turns out exactly as you think it will be perceived? Could it make you look like a sucker or fool? There are things only you can answer. I can imagine grounds where the ring night not be a bad thing were it understood that you relationship is changing to something more friend zonish. But if one or both are messed up over this, it could just complicate things. I don't think you you should just take anyone's blunt advice who doesn't know you both--just seriously use your own noodle and how she'll take it or even if she will. Obviously this isn't a diamond engagement ring setting you back 6 months pay or w/e. If you're burning bridges on sour terms and it's most her choice, don't give her this ring--just a little white box with a bloody fake middle finger in it.
Author bohica Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 It's interesting to see the responses. Thank you all again so much. I've decided that it probably isn't a good idea. Although my intentions are good I wouldn't want to risk sending a mixed signal or most importantly have it associated with a sad time when it should represent what we shared. Instead I'm trying to be a little attentive to other things she has said she has wanted and try to have a little fun with it. He birthday is in March. If things turn out differently a few months down the road then maybe I'll revisit the idea.
Imajerk17 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 When you said ring, I thought you meant phone call. Anyway, no gift.
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