daisydukes Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I cared deeply for my ex he was the first guy I fell over head over heels for and I truely,truely loved him. However...... He betrayed me and cheated on me and wants to still be friends with me. My head is all confused:( One minute I hate his guts and want to go beat him up and then the next I miss him and want to hang out like the good old days. What is wrong with me? Why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation where you do not know what to do and your head is all confused:o
smudge21 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I'd say the majority on here have been where you are. I tried the friends route but couldn't handle the pain anymore, so when I see people asking your question I simply ask them this (what happened to me): As their friend, could you handle seeing their new partner? I not only had to face that but also said partner becoming her fiance. Nothing can really prepare you for that pain as in reality the reason you agree to stay friends is because you have hope; hope that they will come back if you stay around in their lives. The actual truth is by staying in their lives you are giving them exactly what they want. They don't want a relationship but still want you around - maybe for an ego boost, maybe to resolve them of guilt, maybe just because they like you but only in a certain way. Whatever the reason, staying friends means you stay friends, nothing more. The day they introduce their new love, will be the day you'll wish you never agreed to be their friend. Your ex showed you how much he respect, cared and loved you when he cheated. Ask yourself why you would want to be friends with someone like that. Basically, if it were a stranger and they just knocked you to the floor, would you then agree to be their friend? Don't fool yourself - you still have feelings and until you've moved on 100% there is no chance you could ever be friends with him. I would suggest the day you are ready to be friends with him is the same day you no longer want to be friends with him.
Author daisydukes Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 (edited) I do still have feelings for him I must admit. I keep thinking he will change his mind and realize what a big mistake he has made or him saying let's just be friends with benefits but who am I kidding that will never happen. He has already been in a relationship with this woman for several weeks now and it is obvious he chose her over me. The crazy part is why? Every single girl he has ever dated is red haired,tall and skinny. Every single one of them I am not kidding. His new girlfriend is short and looks like an elf no I am not trying to be stuck-up or anything like that my friends have said she looks like an elf and I didn't mention one word of her looking like an elf they said it. Sorry I ranted. I just keep thinking he will leave elf girl and come back to me and realize what a gigantic mistake he made. Again I am not trying to be mean or sound like I am a snobby person but I am just going by what he used to always date and to now what he is dating. He always said I love my red haired girls and no is new woman does not have red hair she has short black hair. I keep thinking I bet if we became friends I could change his mind. I am admitting that right now:P Edited December 23, 2011 by daisydukes
smudge21 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 You're trying to find understanding as you can't accept why this has all happened. Yep, been there, and still am right now. I can tell you my ex is marrying a guy her total opposite, in personality and looks. Whenever anyone sees them together they can't believe they're a couple. It's madness, but sadly trying to work out why two people are together will only drive you mad. It is what it is, you can't change it by trying to work it out. You have to instead stop thinking about him and think totally about yourself. Why is it you want back with a guy who treated you like dirt? Are you lacking that much self respect and pride that you honestly believe that he is the only one ever who will make you happy? The fact is, you still remember the good times and link it to him as he was the one who was there for those good times. He is simply a catalyst for you feeling good, he's not the cause of it. You just connected with someone and now it's hard to break that connection. I bet the thought of feeling that way with someone else is so foreign to you right now. It is to me. It will take time and plenty of NC. All this checking on his current partner won't help you and it won't change anything. You'll never move on until you want to move on. I know how hard it is to consider that but what's the alternative. By all means grieve for the relationship and be upset but also focus on you and what you can do for you now. The holiday season is terrible for times like this but take some comfort in knowing you're not alone right now. Many of us are just doing our best to get through it with a view at 2012 being the year we love again with someone who loves us back equally.
shortee143 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 smudge always offers up great advice on here ! Anyways, figured I'd give a bit of feedback. To keep it brief, ex and I have many same friends...invited to the same weddings, parties, birthdays, social outings, etc. He didnt dump me with any tact, and i have no idea why he left as he never told me. I would have liked to stay "friends" (or civil, actually) and perhaps I could have had he been respectful throughtout the break up process. Him and I are not friends, everytime I try, I just remember all the pain he put me thru. And at this point, I "hang out" with his new gf/him, and will even be at the same nye party together! It all still rubs me the wrong way. I have always heard you can be friends with an ex if you can see them with someone new and wish them well..HA I dont exactly feel that way! Sounds like this guy didnt exactly have the utmost respect for you. Would you want that in a friend? I think we all make extra exceptions for bad behavior from exes. Some people can be friends with exes, but I think that has to be when all the emotional mess is settled, if that happens. I did the trying to act fine and be friendly, then I just got mad haha, I did friends with benefits and that as expected ended terribly. I def used these "things" as means of hoping he'd realize he made a mistake too, so dont worry, lots of us are guilty of that haha, but lesson learned, if I could go back in time I wouldnt have fooled myself and let him walk all over me. You let him do his thing, and you go do YOURS
Author daisydukes Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thank you Smudge and Shortee. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me? He had this whole jekyll/hyde personality and silly me I kept giving him chances saying oh it is just who he is ignore it. Why would I even want to be with someone who had the whole jekyll/hyde personality I have no idea. I suppose he was the first guy I fell head over heels in love with. It was truely love at at first site. I cannot explain it but I was madly in love and thought he was the one and chose to ignore all the terrible things he did again what was I thinking? Here I am thinking I should be friends with him after he cheated on me and lied didn't even admit he was not telling the truth and yet I still want to be friends with him after all that in hopes he will take me back? I am truely messed up I suppose:sick:
leoc1973 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 daisy did he cheat on someone else when he got with you? Or leave someone else to be with you? If he did he is just a chronic cheater either be prepared to just deal with it forever or find a good guy. Look at the guys on this forum(myself included) that got dumped when we treated our ex's like gold. Read some of our stories where we say we would have never even looked at another girl! Wouldn't it be nice to let your boyfriend/husband go out with his friends or even just out of the house without worrying about his penis falling into someone. I am sure the love at first site thing your guy is good looking which means there will always be a girl there trying to sleep with him and guess what he's gonna give in and do it. He's gonna bring diseases home to you and you won't even know. From now on when you look at him think of how ugly he is on the inside and think of him being dirty full of disease. That is what helped me with getting over my ex a little bit. Its funny all my ex's were short with dark hair. Its what I am attracted to. LOL a tall skinny redhead just wouldn't do it for me.
BoredAgain Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Thank you Smudge and Shortee. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me? He had this whole jekyll/hyde personality and silly me I kept giving him chances saying oh it is just who he is ignore it. Why would I even want to be with someone who had the whole jekyll/hyde personality I have no idea. I suppose he was the first guy I fell head over heels in love with. It was truely love at at first site. I cannot explain it but I was madly in love and thought he was the one and chose to ignore all the terrible things he did again what was I thinking? Here I am thinking I should be friends with him after he cheated on me and lied didn't even admit he was not telling the truth and yet I still want to be friends with him after all that in hopes he will take me back? I am truely messed up I suppose:sick: You're not messed up at all. There are a lot of emotions swirling around during a breakup, especially when it involves your first love. You should actually count yourself lucky -- even if part of you really wants to stay close to him as a friend, you seem to realize on an intellectual level that it would be a bad idea. You just have to take some time and space from the relationship and allow your emotions to catch up.
Author daisydukes Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 I honestly do not know but looking back I wouldn't be surprised if he did. I met the guy on a dating website so I suppose anything is possible. My ex wasn't exactly Brad Pitt but he was pretty fine. I know the way he treated me is exactly how he is going to treat his new toy. Play with her for awhile treat her like a princess and say sweet everythings and then the Jeckyll/Hyde comes out months later mean one minute and a total sweetheart the next. I cannot imagine someone changing overnight it just doesn't happen.Once a jerk always a jerk.
wilsonx Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Stay away from dating websites, sheesh people huge warning...
BoredAgain Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Stay away from dating websites, sheesh people huge warning... Hah... is it really that bad?
leoc1973 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 yes listen to wilson I went on the dating websites and went out with 14 girls literally. Seems like they are all nuts. I never seen such a hodgepodge of emotionally screwed up girls in all my life. 3 stalkers 2 bipolars 8 of them misled me into thinking they were a lot better looking than they were. I am not going to apologize for being shallow but they call it attraction for a reason. Anyways dating sites are just bad. I am done with them.
wilsonx Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Hah... is it really that bad? Im one of the nicer assclowns that use to do it after my relationship ended when I needed temporary comfort. Its just pure infatuation... hey lets meet up... hey lets cuddle... hey lets have sex... you can do this all in one night usually... if you dont you just move on to the next
BoredAgain Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 yes listen to wilson I went on the dating websites and went out with 14 girls literally. Seems like they are all nuts. I never seen such a hodgepodge of emotionally screwed up girls in all my life. 3 stalkers 2 bipolars 8 of them misled me into thinking they were a lot better looking than they were. I am not going to apologize for being shallow but they call it attraction for a reason. Anyways dating sites are just bad. I am done with them. That sounds hilarious, actually. Maybe I should try it.
lululucy Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 I honestly do not know but looking back I wouldn't be surprised if he did. I met the guy on a dating website so I suppose anything is possible. My ex wasn't exactly Brad Pitt but he was pretty fine. I know the way he treated me is exactly how he is going to treat his new toy. Play with her for awhile treat her like a princess and say sweet everythings and then the Jeckyll/Hyde comes out months later mean one minute and a total sweetheart the next. I cannot imagine someone changing overnight it just doesn't happen.Once a jerk always a jerk. What I bolded was one of the really important things I came to understand about my ex. He's been with his new girlfriend almost a year (and we broke up mid-January so you do the math) but the last time the two of us slept together was August. As much as I dislike this girl, she's just going to get played as hard as I was and he still asks me to marry him every time I see him. Hun, I know the conflict of interest thing. I found I could only really be his friend when I was over him. We can go out (we have many of the same friends) together and have a great time, I even was talking to this girl he was picking up at the bar one time and she was shocked that I was so nonchalant. It really came from getting over him, which in turn only came from falling for someone else. My boyfriend doesn't like me hanging out with my ex so I don't anymore, but if the bf wasn't around I'm pretty sure we'd be hanging out much more often. Now that I have emotional distance, I can appreciate his good qualities without harbouring a flame for him. Until you get that distance, please don't be friends. You will only hurt your own healing process.
wilsonx Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 (edited) lol... you slept together in august but you are over him because you have a new boyfriend... you girls are absolutely insane... that damn light switch... dating someone else, im over my ex, lets hang out There's a reason why your boyfriend doesnt like you hanging out with your ex, its called emotional maturity. If you are over him, theres no need to hang out with him. None, zero, zilch, you just dont care anymore Edited December 24, 2011 by wilsonx
lululucy Posted December 25, 2011 Posted December 25, 2011 lol... you slept together in august but you are over him because you have a new boyfriend... you girls are absolutely insane... that damn light switch... dating someone else, im over my ex, lets hang out There's a reason why your boyfriend doesnt like you hanging out with your ex, its called emotional maturity. If you are over him, theres no need to hang out with him. None, zero, zilch, you just dont care anymore Wow, your over-simplification is astounding. There is no light switch. It took months and months of awful heartache. The sleeping together in august thing is a comment on how it's obvious that he hasn't changed if he will still cheat on his girlfriend, whomever she may be. We were hanging out as friends since February, haven't hung out since I met my boyfriend because he is uncomfortable with it, which is fair. Why would I not want to hang out with someone I have no feelings for? We have the same friends, we have a lot in common and we get along (now). Your emotional immaturity is amazing, it's quite amusing that you chose to address me on that subject. He doesn't like me hanging out with my ex because he is jealous of the history, which to me would be more immature than mature, but I respect his feelings and act accordingly. I'm not over him because I have a new boyfriend, I'm over him because I've stopped believing the lies that he drummed into my head that I could never be loved by anyone else. Nice try, though.
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