kkay Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Ex and I broke up 4 months ago (both 27), lived together for 3 years and for me, it came out of the blue. He left and moved home. Retrospectively, its the best thing that could have happened for me. I started counseling and dealing with a prior assault that had haunted me for years and am in the best mental head space I have ever been. Long break up story short... When he left he put up a HUGE guard and would not speak to me. I sent a letter, a few phone calls but I knew space was what he wanted/needed. Anyway, some nasty things happened in the span of four months the biggest being he bought a house with his brother which I found out about over fbook but all things aside nothing dire has happened. So- the real crazy part. I invited him over tonight to discuss a few things re: furniture, congratulate him on his house, discuss what has happened in our lives... simple conversational items. Anyway, the conversation goes amazing, spectacular! We are laughing and having a great time when he brings up my counseling. So, I am feeling comfortable and I start talking about it and it goes fairly deep. I bring up that I would like to open the lines of communication between us again and he thinks that means I want to be his gf. I clarify that I just mean talking, like on a monthly basis. He starts to get a little freaked out and says he can't be an emotional support for me right now. I explain to him that I do not need emotional support, I just miss him and care about him. He starts crying... it becomes evident that he has NOT been talking about this break up with anyone (he says this to me) and I offer that if and when he feels comfortable I will be here for him to talk to. I started explaining where I feel I failed in the relationship (using him as an outlet for my anger, being a horrible communicator, not seeking help sooner) and, that I am not angry at him for his actions because I do not know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the the other foot. I was extremely sincere and caring in every word I said. Basically, from his reactions, I think all of my words hit home and cause him an extreme emotional meltdown. He would get up and say, I can't handle this, I would stop talking, stay seated let him cool down and he would come back and ask me to continue. I didn't chase him, he continually came back to me to listen. So- overall our visit was about 2 hours and consisted of an hour of catching up and an hour of deep talking on my part and serious listening on his. He cried the whole time we were talking and just couldn't stop. I'm extremely concerned for him right now because it was evident he hasn't been dealing with his emotions. He ended up leaving in tears and was completely distraught. He gave me a big long hug, kissed my cheek and left. I really think my words hit a chord inside of him, finally. I guess - I'm concerned for his well-being as it is evident he is not attempting to deal with anything. Do I do anything or just sit back and let him think about this over the holidays? I feel completely horrible that I threw this on him right before cmas but it just kind of ended up falling out of my mouth...
sardeen Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 That is a really powerful story as it is obvious he is not over you. Just ask him if he wants to talk more and take it slowly. Do not ignore him or try and leave him with this guilt unless you want him to feel the same pain you felt. Like you mentioned, it appears he was distracting himself from the breakup and you returning to his life is finally making him realize the situation. So in short, give him space as well as open arms to talk. If you take it slow enough and the two of you are willing, there is a high chance of reconciliation here.
BoredAgain Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I went back and read your old thread about the breakup, and yeah, you should probably let him deal with his problems himself. There's actually some humor here: he got defensive because he doesn't want to be your emotional support, then he proceeds to break down in front of you which puts you in a position of being HIS emotional support. I think if you give it to him, then it's essentially lose-lose for you. You'd be helping him move forward at the expense of your own life.
Author kkay Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Thanks internet friends! I really appreciate your input and insight. I'm not too sure how I will handle this situation but I agree with you both. I guess it is just that I am trying to figure out what's going on and ultimately, make myself happy. I am not an individual that can just turn off my feelings and I will not feel any better knowing he is falling apart. I'm heading home (8 hours away from him) until the new year so I will use that time to really weigh my thoughts. As of right now, I think I will let him think about what happened for the next few weeks. He is a teacher and has been able to really put himself in his work for the past few months. I think cmas break will give him a chance to REALLY think. He is a very deep, analytical man so I think I will hold out and possibly reach out in a few weeks. I'm not one to email or text so I truly need to think of how/what I want to say as I will be calling him or at least speaking on the phone. Sardeen - I truly appreciate your support. It's nice to hear you think he may not be "over" me. Seems to be the common consensus among my friends but ultimately, it's on him. Thanks
Author kkay Posted January 3, 2012 Author Posted January 3, 2012 Hey folks, Well, as you can see from the title, he called me. HE actually called ME. If anyone remembers (or cares) basically we have not talked following the four months after our break up. As you know from above, I recently took accountability where I feel I am at fault in the deterioration of our relationship. Anyway, I sent him a "Merry Xmas" text before I went to bed on the 25th and never heard anything back until New Years Eve morning when he called me! Now, I have said from the beginning that I will not play games and that I will make my decisions based on my heart and my head. Well, luckily for me I was busy texting when his call came through and before I had time to even realize he was calling I had pushed the "Ignore Call" button. He left me a nice message apologizing for not wishing me a merry xmas sooner, hoping I had a good time with my family, hoped I was able to get a few days off of work and wished me a happy nye. At the end of the message he actually said "Talk to you soon". As we all know, these are words we all long to hear after a b/u. So, I took sometime to think about my options and sent him a text in the early evening wishing him a happy ny and left it at that. At that point I wasn't sure how I wanted to move forward and if I would even want to call him in the up and coming days. Obviously, my desire to talk to him won out and I called him last night to hear about his holidays. As a teacher he has another week off of school so he has another week to really think about us and our future before having work get in the way. Anyway - the conversation was light and actually contained quite a few jokes and humorous stories about the holidays. We talked for about 20 minutes, kept it light and friendly and ended with him leaving an opening for getting together (his parents have some DVDs of mine and are almost finished watching them) so he asked what I wanted him to do with them when they were done with them. Obviously I may be looking into it a little to far but still, I know him and I know he does not feel able to ask me to hang out without an excuse. So, I left the conversation saying it was great to hear from him and that hopefully we can talk again soon. Thoughts?!
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