Is it infidelity if we were broken up?

[EyeJustDontKnow]

We had a pretty good thing going, but our insecurities got the best of us and we had a blow out. I couldn't take it any more and said goodbye, I tried to be civil and polite and it was very very hard to do but I felt it had to be done.

 

She didnt take it well at first, then the next day she relented and thanked me for being so good to her. One of the things I had a hard time with was I felt I was taken for granted.

 

That same night she had casual sex with somebody she just met.

 

I didn't know about it until the day after, she called and we talked all day about all the things that went wrong. She said she was crying and feeling guilty for doing something so stupid, she felt like I didn't want her so her response was to go out with her friends, get stupid drunk and hook up. She tells me it was just a physical thing, that it wasn't that good, that she didn't even enjoy it but didn't keep any details from me. For some reason I felt I had to know everything; where was it, who was it, what did he look like, did he remind you of me, etc. I was devastated, felt like I was cheated on but know that is absurd because I am the one who said goodbye and we were not even together. We had a very rough week after that, she was broken up and I was broken down and we talked a lot. We decided to get back together.

 

Sometimes I feel like a fool but I really love her. I believe she loves me even tho this voice in my head whispers to me "Hey dumbass, if she really loved you she would not have hooked up the day after you broke up". To be honest I don't know how to respond to that.

 

I am not even sure why I posted this, guess I am just confused.

[fltc]

"Hey dumbass, if she really loved you she would not have hooked up the day after you broke up"

 

Sound right to me....

[oldshirt]

Should I call my wife and tell her it's over and formally break up with her and then go bang someone else and then call her and cry and beg for forgiveness the next day? Should she take me back and not think anything of me banging someone else since technically we were "broken up?"

 

The truth is we don't break up in a day and our feelings for the other person and the relationship it'self does not end just becasue the words "break up" comes out of our mouths.

 

Maybe in a perfect world with perfect people we could all just have "on/off" switches for our relationships and feelings but we obviously don't.

 

You have every right to be hurt and upset by this and feel cheated and feel on some level that she is a piece of trash. You also have a right to still love her and wish that things were still good between you two.

 

She is probably going to be guilt-ridden and cry and beg and plead for you to forgive her and to take her back. A part of you will want things to be as they were when they were good.

 

But please keep this in mind - she showed you want kind of person she is. She got drunk and banged some random dude when the going got a little tough. Is that the kind of person you want to share your savings and retirement accounts with? Is that the person who's name you want sharing your car titles and mortgage on your home? Is that the person you want raising your children?

 

If you take her back do you think that you can live the next 50, 60 or even 70 years without there being some serious rough patches? Do you think you will go 70 years without periods of insecurity? Without fights? Without threats of separation or even actual separation? Will you be able to live with her knowing how she deals with conflict and challenge in the relationship?

 

I am sure her tears are real and that she is sincerely remorsefull at this moment. But does that really change anything?

[Try]

But please keep this in mind - she showed you want kind of person she is. She got drunk and banged some random dude when the going got a little tough. Is that the kind of person you want to share your savings and retirement accounts with? Is that the person who's name you want sharing your car titles and mortgage on your home? Is that the person you want raising your children?

Exactly right.

[YellowShark]

Exactly right.

 

I agree with oldshirt and try. When the going got tough she banged another guy. A virtual stranger. That night. And "blames" it on booze. I couldn't trust a girl like that to be my emotional and financial partner in life. I need more strength and character from a woman.

 

That said I dont think it was cheating since the relationship was officially over and agreed to by both parties. It's just banging some random guy.. THAT NIGHT.. after the breakup.. is really telling of her maturity level. That's a really weird way of dealing with a breakup.

[2long]

We had a pretty good thing going, but our insecurities got the best of us and we had a blow out.

 

How good a thing? Obviously, you both are 2 young for a committed relationship, though I can certainly understand that you want one.

 

Give it a few years. Live and learn.

 

-ol' 2long

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes I feel like a fool but I really love her. I believe she loves me even tho this voice in my head whispers to me "Hey dumbass, if she really loved you she would not have hooked up the day after you broke up". To be honest I don't know how to respond to that.

 

It meant nothing and it was grieving type of sex. A desparate kind of sex.. Wouldn't read much into it and she probably feels bad and guilty about it, she wasn't thinking that you two were ever going to get back together, that it was over forever. Just another angle to see this..

 

If there's a chance you two will get back together you need to look past this and forgive her.

[Severely Unamused]

I agree with oldshirt and try. When the going got tough she banged another guy. A virtual stranger. That night. And "blames" it on booze. I couldn't trust a girl like that to be my emotional and financial partner in life. I need more strength and character from a woman.

 

That said I dont think it was cheating since the relationship was officially over and agreed to by both parties. It's just banging some random guy.. THAT NIGHT.. after the breakup.. is really telling of her maturity level. That's a really weird way of dealing with a breakup.

 

I agree with your agreement.

 

Also, does it really matter if it was cheating or not? You feel bad about it, and that is what is important.

 

If there's a chance you two will get back together you need to look past this and forgive her.

Interesting. Why?

[YellowShark]

It meant nothing and it was grieving type of sex. A desparate kind of sex.. Wouldn't read much into it and she probably feels bad and guilty about it, she wasn't thinking that you two were ever going to get back together, that it was over forever. Just another angle to see this..

 

Here's my take on it..

 

"I just broke up with my boyfriend. "

 

That night do I:

 

Sit at home and cry.

I was over him anyways so no big deal.

Watch a sad movie and eat a bucket of ice cream.

Go out with some girlfriends for support.

Talk to my mother, maybe she can cheer me up.

Drink a ton of booze at a club and dance the night away.

Have a hot candle-lit bubble bath and wallow in self pity.

Speak to my priest or therapist for moral support.

Go work out until I just about die.

Walk my dog for 3 hours.

Retail therapy!

Get a manny petty and try to forget the goof.

Curl up with a good book and a cup of tea.

Break some dishes.

Cut all his pictures up that I have and toss the shreds out.

Crank some tunes and down a bottle of wine.

etc.

 

Or..

 

Pick up some totally random stranger and f*ck him.

 

Which to you seems the healthy and unhealthy responses to a "stressful situation?" Frankly I wouldn't want to date her again since her response was - (excuse my French) - batsh#t crazy!

[carhill]

OP apparently has 15 and 18 yo kids, so has been around the block.

 

OP, when you said goodbye to your exW and initiated the divorce, did you expect her to remain faithful to you?

 

What I read in your OP sounded pretty final and you were sure of your reasons; that's different than taking some time to think and cool off when in a particularly rough relationship spot.

 

If you clearly indicated the R was over and said why and disengaged, then whatever response she had was outside of the relationship, even if that response was something you find distasteful and hurtful. She took you for granted, you ended it and she went out and found solace in the arms of another man. You have now made a choice to get back together. Considering the factors involved, that may not be a wise decision but it is done. Along with that goes the past. That's over. Time for a new relationship, one where you don't feel taken for granted. If this one night tryst eats at you, end it for good. No one is going to benefit in that situation if you stay in it and harbor resentment. Let it go or leave. Choose.

[Darren Steez]

It's not infidelity, you broke up with her, so you weren't together were you? I really hate indecisive people, why break up if you don't mean it? She probably needed some sort of release or validation after being dumped so she had sex, who knows she may have loved it but it wasn't with you.

She told you because she wanted to see your reaction, and after she banged some other dude, you suddenly remembered that you love her *lol*

I'd say there is dishonesty on both sides, just let each other go and start again.

 

There is no manipulation in a real relationship, Respect is key. There is no mutual respect here.

[oldguy]

Should I call my wife and tell her it's over and formally break up with her and then go bang someone else and then call her and cry and beg for forgiveness the next day? Should she take me back and not think anything of me banging someone else since technically we were "broken up?"

 

The truth is we don't break up in a day and our feelings for the other person and the relationship it'self does not end just becasue the words "break up" comes out of our mouths.

 

Maybe in a perfect world with perfect people we could all just have "on/off" switches for our relationships and feelings but we obviously don't.

 

You have every right to be hurt and upset by this and feel cheated and feel on some level that she is a piece of trash. You also have a right to still love her and wish that things were still good between you two.

 

She is probably going to be guilt-ridden and cry and beg and plead for you to forgive her and to take her back. A part of you will want things to be as they were when they were good.

 

But please keep this in mind - she showed you want kind of person she is. She got drunk and banged some random dude when the going got a little tough. Is that the kind of person you want to share your savings and retirement accounts with? Is that the person who's name you want sharing your car titles and mortgage on your home? Is that the person you want raising your children?

 

If you take her back do you think that you can live the next 50, 60 or even 70 years without there being some serious rough patches? Do you think you will go 70 years without periods of insecurity? Without fights? Without threats of separation or even actual separation? Will you be able to live with her knowing how she deals with conflict and challenge in the relationship?

 

I am sure her tears are real and that she is sincerely remorsefull at this moment. But does that really change anything?

 

For what its worth, this is all that really needs to be said in this case.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you clearly indicated the R was over and said why and disengaged, then whatever response she had was outside of the relationship, even if that response was something you find distasteful and hurtful. She took you for granted, you ended it and she went out and found solace in the arms of another man. You have now made a choice to get back together. Considering the factors involved, that may not be a wise decision but it is done. Along with that goes the past. That's over. Time for a new relationship, one where you don't feel taken for granted. If this one night tryst eats at you, end it for good. No one is going to benefit in that situation if you stay in it and harbor resentment. Let it go or leave. Choose.

 

I would agree with you, except for the fact that SHE initiated the contact and effort to get back together.

 

That means more than likely she planned on getting back with him from the start. The hookup is more than likely revenge for being dumped.

 

Relationships don't die in just one night. I agree he somewhat gave her a free hand... but she is the one who played her cards in the nastiest way possible.

 

I would consider this cheating. I would dump her again JUST for this. You had it right the first time, this bitch is no good. Get rid of her and stick to it.

[bigmomma1974]

You dumped her, did she cheat no she didnt. was she smart for going out having a one night stand nope she wasn't. Her choice not yours. Do you want to be with her? If so then be with her. is it ok to be hurt she slept with someone while you where split up, yeah it is. However if you want this relationship to work, be honest about your feelings. She can't undo what she did and neither can you. SO move on and make the best of it. If you both love each other and want to be together then move pass all of this. If you can't then move on without her. The choice is yours to make.

[Spark1111]

I say no it wasn't cheating.

 

If you emphatically forced the break up, and it was over, caput, bye-bye, then what happened the next day is NONE of your business....you were done, toast, history, at YOUR hand.....

 

Cannot cry now over spilt milk. Period.

 

Whether you decide to go back with her after she told you the TRUTH, is totally your decision....but she did not have to tell you the truth at all...you were broken up and done.

 

The outcome of your actions cannot/should not be held against her. How many people after a break-up and on the rebound hook-up for reasons of ego and sadness? Too many to mention.

 

Deal with it. If you want her back do not punish her for what she did when you were broken up; it is sexist and unfair, IMHO.

[FelicityShot]

OP, it sounds like when you "broke up" with her it was a bluff on your part, which is why you feel like you got cheated on.

 

Sometimes bluffs backfire.

 

We feel cheated on if we are being faithful ourselves, and then that gets broken.

 

So I agree here to a degree.

 

However, I suspect all the emotions, jealousy, grief, attachment haven't been worked through enough to work out where you are at.

 

Feeling betrayed isn't a 1=1 relationship with infidelity. It's sanctified by certain circumstances, but your feelings are no less real for that lack.

[MikeT4]

We had a pretty good thing going, but our insecurities got the best of us and we had a blow out. I couldn't take it any more and said goodbye, I tried to be civil and polite and it was very very hard to do but I felt it had to be done.

 

She didnt take it well at first, then the next day she relented and thanked me for being so good to her. One of the things I had a hard time with was I felt I was taken for granted.

 

That same night she had casual sex with somebody she just ....

 

In my book it wasn't cheating. It was very bad judgement to have an ONS and also when she was distraught.

 

It is really just up to you to decide what it means to you. If you love her and want her back, now you know a little bit more about her. She's impulsive and willing to give her body away on a whim.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I say no it wasn't cheating.

If you emphatically forced the break up, and it was over, caput, bye-bye, then what happened the next day is NONE of your business....you were done, toast, history, at YOUR hand.....

Cannot cry now over spilt milk. Period.

Whether you decide to go back with her after she told you the TRUTH, is totally your decision....but she did not have to tell you the truth at all...you were broken up and done.

The outcome of your actions cannot/should not be held against her. How many people after a break-up and on the rebound hook-up for reasons of ego and sadness? Too many to mention.

Deal with it. If you want her back do not punish her for what she did when you were broken up; it is sexist and unfair, IMHO.

 

Bullcrap. IF she wants to get back with him... then she is REQUIRED to tell the truth. Don't go acting like that is some charity action... it's a basic requirement... It's something you are supposed to do.

 

When you get dumped you either move on or try to fix things. What you don't do is sleep around then try to fix things. That is flat out stupid. She came begging back, then once she finds a way in drops the bombshell. That isn't spilled milk... that milk is rotten.

 

OP should not take this scumbag back. He dumped her for some very clear reasons. If he does take her back, then he has 1 "get laid free" card to play at any time he chooses. Buttholes like this lady deserve to get nothing less than they give.

[RobD70]

In my book it wasn't cheating. It was very bad judgement to have an ONS and also when she was distraught.

 

It is really just up to you to decide what it means to you. If you love her and want her back, now you know a little bit more about her. She's impulsive and willing to give her body away on a whim.

 

I agree with this, while what she did wasn't technically wrong, her actions are a big red flag.

 

What if you were married and had a big fight and even threw the D word around? Odds of her having an ONS then because "we're getting separated anyway" are VERY high. Actually just having an A when the going gets a little rough would be high. I would say this puts her moral character in question, jumping in the sack with another guy at the first opportunity.

[tobeornottobe]

You have been around the block, and your marital and mental stress had a very long history and build up. The marriage (vows) is not nullified the day one walks out, it is nullified long before that.

 

My point is: don't put your focus on the fact that it happened the night after she left. It played out that way, because of stupid choices she made that night, but fact of the matter is, it could have happened a week or month or more later.

 

I suggest you take your time to decide whether you would want to try and reconcile. But base it on everything else BUT what happened the night after.

 

I pray for wisdom and guidance in the weeks and months ahead.

[nofool4u]

Is it infidelity if we were broken up?

 

Well depends. The word "infidelity" usually applies to married couples. If you are married and were just separated and she messed around with someone else, then yes, it is infidelity and cheating.

 

If you are just bf/gf, and you were broken up, then no, its not cheating.

 

BUT, if she screwed around with someone else almost immediately after being broken up, it shows that you really didn't respect you you to begin with or wanted to screw around while you were still a couple, just couldn't wait until she broke up. She was itching for it before she broke up with you.

 

If I were you, I'd tell this floosy to take a long walk off a short pier

Edited December 28, 2011 by nofool4u