How do I not be single this time next year?

[ThaWholigan]

Because if you're not interesting, you're boring. Why would anyone want to date a boring person?

 

I was on a course with other autistic people and started to see all the traits I was displaying. It's basically not knowing how to be interesting to other people. Not knowing whether you are making a good impression or not. One has no idea. It is a very difficult position to be in, as you become conscious of your own incompetence and it can make you angry and bitter for this particular reason. This is his great problem I think.

 

I have done lots of research and people-watching and guess what? I'm still vastly incompetent at attracting women. However, I'm a lot more socially savvy than before, and I can actually recognize interest when I see it. Knowing exactly how to generate it is another thing altogether. Nobody wants to be boring, but how exactly does one become interesting?

 

(Hypothetical question, I do know how to be interesting )

[runner]

Nobody addressed this question so I want to bring it up again.

 

What is the actual process to go from complete strangers who are in a class together to somebody I can go on a date with, and she knows that it's a date, not some hangout she'd do with her gay friend?

 

start with simply communicating. no expectation. you're not talking with her just cos you want a close up look at her boobs. find out what she's about. let her know who you are. bring your defences down a bit. talk. engage. walk away from her with you as an interesting individual (and your brief conversation) in her mind.

 

Define, ask her on a date.

 

How would you actually do it in the situation I described.

 

when you see her again, smile. approach. or smile in that inviting way that makes her want to sit next to you. say, "hey what you doing later today; lets get some drinks or something"

 

you'll have your answer shortly, if she wants to actually 'date' you or not. and if the answer is negative, DO NOT take it personally or act all loserish. put her in the friendzone, and possibly even become good acquaintances.

 

wash, rinse, repeat.

Edited December 27, 2011 by runner

[Eclypse]

Well I like jazz and so did a few of the girls I dated (insert whatever activity you like). So pretty much i said "hey you mentioned you like jazz, well there's this cool place I go to sometimes. The band playing on Saturday have gotten really good reviews. I'll be going and I was wondering if you want to come?"

 

Then that's it. You just wait for her response. Be prepared for rejection though as always.

[somedude81]

You don't have to impress her, but you do have to make a good impression on her. Do you see the difference? You don't have to be Superman, but you do have to show her that you're worth dating.

See, I'm getting the impression that I have to completely wow her and keep her entertained. It's not good enough to have a fun little time, I need to blow her off her feet.

 

The girl should ask questions about you, but if she doesn't, it's perfectly fine to just start talking about yourself. Don't monopolize the conversation, but you can respond to what she's saying by relating it to yourself. That's how people connect. Once you tell her a little bit about yourself, she'll probably start asking follow-up questions.

That's exactly what I do, but the girls haven't been asking up fallow questions. Also, I just hate bringing up random details that nobody has asked about. My dad does this all the time and it bugs me to hell.

 

Hmm, I just realized that. I've probably been trained by my parents to just be polite while they talk at me.

Get, her alone for a few moments, and say:

 

"Hey, are you doing anything Friday night? I'd like to take you out for dinner & maybe a movie."

 

Don't give her time to answer the question part, just continue into the statement. The bold part is what signifies a date!

Have you actually used that line?

 

I know I'm being all negative, but I just don't see that working with a twenty something girl I meet in class.

 

Maybe if we were talking about the movie or something related to it first, then I can suggest watching it. But is that enough for her to get that it's a date?

I was on a course with other autistic people and started to see all the traits I was displaying. It's basically not knowing how to be interesting to other people. Not knowing whether you are making a good impression or not. One has no idea. It is a very difficult position to be in, as you become conscious of your own incompetence and it can make you angry and bitter for this particular reason. This is his great problem I think.

Not knowing how to be interesting. I don't think I have that problem, but part of it is dependent on what one considers interesting.

 

One thing I do agree with, is that I know there are things I don't know how to do and it is very frustrating. I absolutely hate it when things go wrong with a girl and I have the strongest feeling, that a guy with more experience would know what to say and be able to save everything, while all I can do is watch the train wreck.

I have done lots of research and people-watching and guess what? I'm still vastly incompetent at attracting women. However, I'm a lot more socially savvy than before, and I can actually recognize interest when I see it. Knowing exactly how to generate it is another thing altogether. Nobody wants to be boring, but how exactly does one become interesting?

 

(Hypothetical question, I do know how to be interesting )

Heh, that's better than me. I don't have a clue how to recognize interest. Though maybe I do, and I'm in so much denial that a woman could be into me so I block it out.

start with simply communicating. no expectation. you're not talking with her just cos you want a close up look at her boobs. find out what she's about. let her know who you are. bring your defences down a bit. talk. engage. walk away from her with you as an interesting individual (and your brief conversation) in her mind.

Any tips on doing that without getting into interview mode?

 

When I meet a new girl the usual first questions are her major, what she wants to do, what's her dream job, how it ties into her passions, etc.

 

when you see her again, smile. approach. or smile in that inviting way that makes her want to sit next to you. say, "hey what you doing later today; lets get some drinks or something"

Something seems missing. I feel that a step was skipped.

 

Also, am I really going to invite a girl I barely know to go out to a bar late at night with me?

Well I like jazz and so did a few of the girls I dated (insert whatever activity you like). So pretty much i said "hey you mentioned you like jazz, well there's this cool place I go to sometimes. The band playing on Saturday have gotten really good reviews. I'll be going and I was wondering if you want to come?"

 

Then that's it. You just wait for her response. Be prepared for rejection though as always.

This sounds like the best thing I've heard so far. Something to do together and a reason to go out.

 

My big issue, I don't go out and have no idea what is out there.

 

Hey ladies reading this thread, can you write about some good first or second dates you had with a guy?

[runner]

Any tips on doing that without getting into interview mode?

 

When I meet a new girl the usual first questions are her major, what she wants to do, what's her dream job, how it ties into her passions, etc.

 

start small. asking all what you said above in rapid fire succession sounds pretty much like interview mode. yes for sure be interested, but not too interested, too quickly. ... the point is to relate and connect (or try to connect) the two of you together. talk about things that the both of you are deeply interested in that don't put either of you in the spotlight.

[Lonely Ronin]

Have you actually used that line?

 

I know I'm being all negative, but I just don't see that working with a twenty something girl I meet in class.

 

Maybe if we were talking about the movie or something related to it first, then I can suggest watching it. But is that enough for her to get that it's a date?

 

Maybe not word for word, but yes I have used it several times. It worked in college for me several times. At 19 it netted me my first long term GF 3+ years. At 23 it netted me my super long term gf 7+ years. You need to tailor it to the woman in question.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, all you need to do is know a little about them (get to know them). If you know she likes scary movies take her to a scary movie. If you know she likes Thai food, take her to a Thai restaurant.

 

Don't suggesting anything, ask a direct question and be very clear. You're looking for one of three things, a yes, a no, or a reschedule.

[DonJuanInc]

This year sucked. No doubt about it. I spent a lot of time with a girl who couldn't return my feelings and now that's over, I have nothing at all to show for it. I turned 30 a few months ago. My skills with women are non-existent.

 

What can I do to make 2012 decent? I would like to accomplish something before the world ends.

 

Be a self improvement junkie. Go hit on lots of girls. Talk to guys who are good with women.

 

It's impossible to tell what you're doing wrong through a forum post. Do you have Skype?

[Els]

In response to your most recent question.. eh. The most recent first date I'd had was a long time ago, so it was pretty much just a movie and dinner outing, nothing special - we were both fairly young then. I don't think you should put very much emphasis on activity for a first date - the emphasis should be on getting to know each other. If you both are into a particular activity (dancing, hiking, bowling, etc) you can do that, but be sure to avoid activities in which you don't have time to make conversation or get to know the partner at all, unless it's accompanied by a meal.

[zengirl]

See, I'm getting the impression that I have to completely wow her and keep her entertained. It's not good enough to have a fun little time, I need to blow her off her feet.

 

No, you don't. Honestly, what you do doesn't matter so much, unless you do the wrong thing. ALL of my relationships, except the ones I already knew well socially long before we dated, have started with dinner. Just dinner. Maybe a drink afterwards or something. WHAT you do isn't what a successful date is about. Granted, you have to do SOMETHING because you don't know each other and it's awkward and there has to be some 'reason' to get together, whether it be dinner or whatnot, but there doesn't have to be WOW factor in the what. The WOW factor comes from liking each other. And the first step to that is going to be getting out of your head!

 

You have so much anxiety, perpetuated by your experiences, around dating that I imagine it'd be hard to generate chemistry with anyone. You have to find peace and comfort with yourself first.

 

Have you actually used that line?

 

I know I'm being all negative, but I just don't see that working with a twenty something girl I meet in class.

 

Maybe if we were talking about the movie or something related to it first, then I can suggest watching it. But is that enough for her to get that it's a date?

 

If a girl is a complete stranger, there is a good chance she will turn you down when you ask her out directly. There just is. That's not related to YOU---it's related to statistical realities for every single person on earth who isn't famous or magical.

 

However, that poster gave you what you asked for: a DIRECT way to ask a girl out where she'd know it was a date. There is no guarantee she'll say yes. Most girls, who are strangers and not in a setting that is an obvious place to look for dates (OLD website, bar, etc) are going to say no. Some may even be bothered by you asking. These are realities. You can try to be friend first, build rapport, and escalate from there, or you can be direct. The first option seems to be your inclination, but you find you are unable to escalate the relationships and that is frustrating to you. This is because those girls would've said no to a direct date and still feel that way even after getting to know you. That is ALSO a reality.

 

The truth is, there is no trick to dating approaches. There are bad ones that will always fail, but there are no magical ones that will always, or even usually, work. Doesn't exist.

 

Not knowing how to be interesting. I don't think I have that problem, but part of it is dependent on what one considers interesting.

 

Interests make you interesting. Passions make you interesting. Social adeptness makes you able to convey your interesting qualities to others. You put so much of your identity into your trouble with getting girls that I think it impedes your ability to be interesting.

 

Hey ladies reading this thread, can you write about some good first or second dates you had with a guy?

 

My first date with my hubby we went out to dinner, then grabbed drinks afterwards (because we wanted to keep talking!). It wasn't the best first date I ever had, to be honest; dinner was actually kind of awkward, but I was already pretty into him from writing him online for awhile. This is why I liked OLD -- the writing got me hooked in a way few people could hook me early on. We really started having a good time once we had a beer. I took him to one of my favorite hangouts (he'd never been there) and we played board games and drank beers and laughed and talked about new stuff we had in common. What made the date escalate was the fact that we both RELAXED. I would say that's always the key to a great date: interest and relaxation.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Be a self improvement junkie. Go hit on lots of girls. Talk to guys who are good with women.

 

It's impossible to tell what you're doing wrong through a forum post. Do you have Skype?

I have Skype. I'll take advice on improving my woman-getting skills.

[Meeks7]

Because if you're not interesting, you're boring. Why would anyone want to date a boring person?

 

You don't have to impress her, but you do have to make a good impression on her. Do you see the difference? You don't have to be Superman, but you do have to show her that you're worth dating. It's not good enough that you have things in common. She probably has things in common with a lot of people. If there's nothing interesting about you, then she's not having as much fun as you think.

 

 

This is SOOOO true. 81, after reading this thread, it's clear you're stuck in your own head and previous (bad or non) experiences. I don't think asking ?'s at this point will help you anymore than doing nothing.

 

You need to just turn off the computer, turn off your brain and put some of these tips in action.

 

Baptism by fire. Sink or swim.

 

The more you ask follow-up ?'s and the more you try to analyze every little detail, it's only going to end up hindering your overall game.

 

Start doing. Stop thinking about it.

[runner]

What made the date escalate was the fact that we both RELAXED. I would say that's always the key to a great date: interest and relaxation.

 

yep, and the opposite on a date is just

 

i hope i'm wrong on this, but i get the sense that the variety of advice on here might be further confusing SD (not to take away from anyone).

 

for the most part i think he just needs to change his outlook on life. i sense that at the core he's just so unhappy with himself and his life (eg, 'i hate being mixed race' thread, etc.), so how could you blame a girl for not wanting to share a life with him ? and i think this is his fundamental problem; if he could position himself so that he jumps out of bed every morning feeling like he's in love with life itself, walking tall like he owned the place, i think the little pieces of the puzzle will start coming together for him.

 

and he needs to get out of this cycle of believeing that haveing a gf is the magical key to being in love with life. there is a way to get there on your own, by yourself. and i think he should start there.

[Dust]

You just need to do something Somedude. Looking to be perfect and learn and ask people "how do you flirt" "how do you be interesting" and "how do you get dates" isn't helping.

 

Seriously somedude just do something. If you see a girl you like and all you can think of is "Me Somedude you pretty lady I want make you my Girlfriend so we go kissy kissy!" Then just say that. Just start talking to girls, asking them out, and making moves. You fill in blanks we can't and shouldn't write you a step by step script to follow. You have learn this stuff for yourself. But first you need to just flip that mentle switch stop saying I can't, and start doing!

 

Also Cer hows that online profile comming a long I was serous about that.

[Imajerk17]

You just need to do something Somedude. Looking to be perfect and learn and ask people "how do you flirt" "how do you be interesting" and "how do you get dates" isn't helping.

 

Seriously somedude just do something. If you see a girl you like and all you can think of is "Me Somedude you pretty lady I want make you my Girlfriend so we go kissy kissy!" Then just say that. Just start talking to girls, asking them out, and making moves. You fill in blanks we can't and shouldn't write you a step by step script to follow. You have learn this stuff for yourself. But first you need to just flip that mentle switch stop saying I can't, and start doing!

 

Also Cer hows that online profile comming a long I was serous about that.

 

Great advice.

 

See somedude's mindset is probably that if you go up and talk to a girl, you better be "perfect" or you're going to make an idiot of yourself. That's not really true.

 

Women don't expect perfection, especially in "daytime" approaches. They are even surprisingly tolerant of a little nervousness (if you are accepting of that in yourself). They DO expect that you take initiative and do something, despite your nervousness.

[Dust]

Great advice.

 

See somedude's mindset is probably that if you go up and talk to a girl, you better be "perfect" or you're going to make an idiot of yourself. That's not really true.

 

Women don't expect perfection, especially in "daytime" approaches. They are even surprisingly tolerant of a little nervousness (if you are accepting of that in yourself). They DO expect that you take initiative and do something, despite your nervousness.

 

Great advice yourself. I actually come to the Somedude threads more to talk with other people leately.

 

I like that you said women don't expet perfecton. It's so true. They don't need some polished routine. They just want to feel like they are talking to a real person who has real feelings for them, and yes initiative to do something despite nervousness which they will find cute if you are doing somthing.

 

Somedude has 2 main defenses to any and all advice given which always has the same result. We tell him "ask girls out" and he answers either "How do you ask a girl out?" or "That doesn't work I do ask girls out."

 

If you ask Somedude girls he asks out in a semester at college he'll probably say one or zero. Now if its over any kind of break he just says "I can't ask girls out I'm waiting for the semester to start only time I see girls." He's 30 and he has to wait for the semester to start... He's self sabotage.

 

He needs to stop asking "How do I not be single" and start just doing. Seriously go up to a girl and yell "High Five Baby!" and then say "I like the way you high five lets get married" and he is on a better track then he is now. Stop asking "How?" and for advice somedude and just get out there and be nervouse and throw up on a girls shoes if you have to but flirt, ask her out, and make some damn moves... Theres no trick do what ever you think is best. Go Frankenstiens montser on her and throw her into the river if thats all you can think of but you go try!

 

No more asking for advice. I want you to come back here and give us an UPDATE of something you actualy went out and did. A story of how you TRIED of how you talked to a girl and asked her out at a minimum. Enough of this "How do do do I?" crap. You know how to do something so just do it. IF all you can think of is "you girl, I boy, penis go in vagina" then thats what you say!

[ThaWholigan]

Great advice yourself. I actually come to the Somedude threads more to talk with other people leately.

 

I like that you said women don't expet perfecton. It's so true. They don't need some polished routine. They just want to feel like they are talking to a real person who has real feelings for them, and yes initiative to do something despite nervousness which they will find cute if you are doing somthing.

 

Somedude has 2 main defenses to any and all advice given which always has the same result. We tell him "ask girls out" and he answers either "How do you ask a girl out?" or "That doesn't work I do ask girls out."

 

If you ask Somedude girls he asks out in a semester at college he'll probably say one or zero. Now if its over any kind of break he just says "I can't ask girls out I'm waiting for the semester to start only time I see girls." He's 30 and he has to wait for the semester to start... He's self sabotage.

 

He needs to stop asking "How do I not be single" and start just doing. Seriously go up to a girl and yell "High Five Baby!" and then say "I like the way you high five lets get married" and he is on a better track then he is now. Stop asking "How?" and for advice somedude and just get out there and be nervouse and throw up on a girls shoes if you have to but flirt, ask her out, and make some damn moves... Theres no trick do what ever you think is best. Go Frankenstiens montser on her and throw her into the river if thats all you can think of but you go try!

 

No more asking for advice. I want you to come back here and give us an UPDATE of something you actualy went out and did. A story of how you TRIED of how you talked to a girl and asked her out at a minimum. Enough of this "How do do do I?" crap. You know how to do something so just do it. IF all you can think of is "you girl, I boy, penis go in vagina" then thats what you say!

 

I actually agree, no point asking for advice and not going through with it. I think the question he needs to ask is how does he adequately deal with his fear while attempting to do this stuff. He has enough constructive advice IMO. It's just a matter of doing something now, something different than what he normally does.

[zengirl]

You just need to do something Somedude. Looking to be perfect and learn and ask people "how do you flirt" "how do you be interesting" and "how do you get dates" isn't helping.

 

Seriously somedude just do something. If you see a girl you like and all you can think of is "Me Somedude you pretty lady I want make you my Girlfriend so we go kissy kissy!" Then just say that. Just start talking to girls, asking them out, and making moves. You fill in blanks we can't and shouldn't write you a step by step script to follow. You have learn this stuff for yourself. But first you need to just flip that mentle switch stop saying I can't, and start doing!

 

This is actually really good advice. If OP were to stop overthinking and start doing, I'm sure he'd find his groove way faster. Of course, there will be girls who say no ---- just life ---- but right now he's choosing to be his own worst enemy.

 

Sometimes I think the greatest cure for failure is more failure until the point where you stop caring about failing and just do whatever it is because it's true to who you are. It's like you become immune to it. It was like that with sales and all the "No"s for me. Just accepting that it's okay to not get something you want and that it doesn't mean anything wholly negative about you as a person if someone says no or whatever = freedom, really.

[Dust]

I actually agree, no point asking for advice and not going through with it. I think the question he needs to ask is how does he adequately deal with his fear while attempting to do this stuff. He has enough constructive advice IMO. It's just a matter of doing something now, something different than what he normally does.

 

See you have good attitude no go inspire yourself and others by doing something!

 

This is actually really good advice. If OP were to stop overthinking and start doing, I'm sure he'd find his groove way faster. Of course, there will be girls who say no ---- just life ---- but right now he's choosing to be his own worst enemy.

 

Sometimes I think the greatest cure for failure is more failure until the point where you stop caring about failing and just do whatever it is because it's true to who you are. It's like you become immune to it. It was like that with sales and all the "No"s for me. Just accepting that it's okay to not get something you want and that it doesn't mean anything wholly negative about you as a person if someone says no or whatever = freedom, really.

 

He's got the cure for his failure olright and it is more failure. He's hardly tasted any.

[Beachgirl8]

Is this profile thing really happening??? I love that idea.

[Cypress25]

See, I'm getting the impression that I have to completely wow her and keep her entertained.

 

That's because you're a black-and-white thinker. It's all or nothing with you.

 

That's exactly what I do, but the girls haven't been asking up fallow questions. Also, I just hate bringing up random details that nobody has asked about.

 

That's not exactly what you do. You said you don't tell stories, you say as little as possible, occasionally you'll add your two cents. Well, start telling stories, say more than the bare minimum, try adding more than two cents. You don't have to bring up random details, say something relevant.

 

Have you actually used that line?

 

I know I'm being all negative, but I just don't see that working with a twenty something girl I meet in class.

 

What's wrong with that line and why wouldn't it work? "I'd like to take you out for..." (fill in the blank). It's perfect. It's direct and she'll know it's a date.

 

Maybe if we were talking about the movie or something related to it first, then I can suggest watching it. But is that enough for her to get that it's a date?

 

I'm getting the feeling that you don't like asking girls out directly. You prefer to be indirect. That's called "asking her out without really asking her out" and it's what nervous guys do. They're famous for it. Just ask her out directly, don't be afraid.

 

When I meet a new girl the usual first questions are her major, what she wants to do, what's her dream job, how it ties into her passions, etc.

 

That's fine, but maybe you could also ask her about stuff that's fun to talk about. Like her favorite movies or her pets, everyone loves to talk about that stuff. You want to aim for topics that will get her excited and bring a smile to her face. Talking about your major and your dream job isn't really that exciting, and it kinda sounds like a job interview.

 

Also, am I really going to invite a girl I barely know to go out to a bar late at night with me?

 

If that doesn't appeal to you, invite her out for coffee or dinner.

 

My big issue, I don't go out and have no idea what is out there.

 

Find out.

 

Hey ladies reading this thread, can you write about some good first or second dates you had with a guy?

 

The best first dates I had were just dinner dates. It was the conversation that made the date awesome. Great conversation is all it takes to make me want a second date.

[azsinglegal]

 

poor choice of words or intended pun?

 

I didn't even think about his height. My current beau is 5'6" and that's the same height as me. It only bothered me once at my holiday party when I wore heels and was taller then him - but it was silly because he doesn't care. And I've worn heels out with him before.

 

I think height is a silly reason to discount someone. I know, because I used to do it and what a fool I was!

 

I think somedude will find a girl who likes him for HIM if he has more confidence and quits worrying about it so damn much.

 

Women can sniff out low self esteem and low confidence faster then anything and it's a big turnoff.

[somedude81]

start small. asking all what you said above in rapid fire succession sounds pretty much like interview mode. yes for sure be interested, but not too interested, too quickly. ... the point is to relate and connect (or try to connect) the two of you together. talk about things that the both of you are deeply interested in that don't put either of you in the spotlight.

Yeah, it does seem like an interview. It's been a while with a new girl so I don't quite remember how things go. Though I do try to connect, just not sure how well I do.

Maybe not word for word, but yes I have used it several times. It worked in college for me several times. At 19 it netted me my first long term GF 3+ years. At 23 it netted me my super long term gf 7+ years. You need to tailor it to the woman in question.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, all you need to do is know a little about them (get to know them). If you know she likes scary movies take her to a scary movie. If you know she likes Thai food, take her to a Thai restaurant.

 

Don't suggesting anything, ask a direct question and be very clear. You're looking for one of three things, a yes, a no, or a reschedule.

Can you give examples of what you actually said or close? The main reason I'm asking is because as I said before I've gone out and done stuff with girls where they had no idea I was interested. I'm also afraid of being too formal and seeming too interested. Also how soon should I ask?

No, you don't. Honestly, what you do doesn't matter so much, unless you do the wrong thing. ALL of my relationships, except the ones I already knew well socially long before we dated, have started with dinner. Just dinner. Maybe a drink afterwards or something. WHAT you do isn't what a successful date is about. Granted, you have to do SOMETHING because you don't know each other and it's awkward and there has to be some 'reason' to get together, whether it be dinner or whatnot, but there doesn't have to be WOW factor in the what.

Really, just dinner?

 

That doesn't seem exciting or interesting at all.

 

Do you remember how things got to that point, where he successfully asked you to dinner?

 

The WOW factor comes from liking each other. And the first step to that is going to be getting out of your head!

It would be great to have somebody actually like me. Not sure how to make that happen though. I've never got the getting out of my head thing either.

 

You have so much anxiety, perpetuated by your experiences, around dating that I imagine it'd be hard to generate chemistry with anyone. You have to find peace and comfort with yourself first.

Yeah, I don't have a clue how to generate chemistry. I'm sure it's from what you mentioned and a general lack of experience.

 

 

 

If a girl is a complete stranger, there is a good chance she will turn you down when you ask her out directly. There just is. That's not related to YOU---it's related to statistical realities for every single person on earth who isn't famous or magical.

Then what is the point?

However, that poster gave you what you asked for: a DIRECT way to ask a girl out where she'd know it was a date. There is no guarantee she'll say yes. Most girls, who are strangers and not in a setting that is an obvious place to look for dates (OLD website, bar, etc) are going to say no. Some may even be bothered by you asking. These are realities. You can try to be friend first, build rapport, and escalate from there, or you can be direct. The first option seems to be your inclination, but you find you are unable to escalate the relationships and that is frustrating to you. This is because those girls would've said no to a direct date and still feel that way even after getting to know you. That is ALSO a reality.

 

 

The truth is, there is no trick to dating approaches. There are bad ones that will always fail, but there are no magical ones that will always, or even usually, work. Doesn't exist.

 

What I'm trying to do is find a way to increase the odds of not getting rejected and to convey interest.

 

 

Interests make you interesting. Passions make you interesting. Social adeptness makes you able to convey your interesting qualities to others. You put so much of your identity into your trouble with getting girls that I think it impedes your ability to be interesting.

My guess is that I'm really lacking on the social adeptness thing.

 

And yes, a big part of who I am comes from the fact that I can't get women. It makes me feel like a loser and I may also be holding myself back and not seeing the obvious.

 

Ugh this frustrating.

 

 

My first date with my hubby we went out to dinner, then grabbed drinks afterwards (because we wanted to keep talking!). It wasn't the best first date I ever had, to be honest; dinner was actually kind of awkward, but I was already pretty into him from writing him online for awhile. This is why I liked OLD -- the writing got me hooked in a way few people could hook me early on. We really started having a good time once we had a beer. I took him to one of my favorite hangouts (he'd never been there) and we played board games and drank beers and laughed and talked about new stuff we had in common. What made the date escalate was the fact that we both RELAXED. I would say that's always the key to a great date: interest and relaxation.

Sounds like a good time. Though you already being into him certainly helped.

for the most part i think he just needs to change his outlook on life. i sense that at the core he's just so unhappy with himself and his life (eg, 'i hate being mixed race' thread, etc.), so how could you blame a girl for not wanting to share a life with him ?

How does me not enjoying my life have anything to do with a woman not wanting to be with me? It's not like I actually complain to people.

 

and i think this is his fundamental problem; if he could position himself so that he jumps out of bed every morning feeling like he's in love with life itself, walking tall like he owned the place, i think the little pieces of the puzzle will start coming together for him.

LOL, that's going to be a huge change from hating my life, not wanting to get up, to jumping out of bed with a zest for life. Though I'm sure I can do it once I actually have a woman in my life.

and he needs to get out of this cycle of believeing that haveing a gf is the magical key to being in love with life. there is a way to get there on your own, by yourself. and i think he should start there.

And what should I not believe that?

 

IMO, the best way for me to find out if having a GF is the key to happiness, is to get one first. Then I can see if it is not.

 

Right now, I think my major issue is that I'm just lonely. I've needed somebody in my life for a long time now and not having that is destroying me.

 

Seriously somedude just do something. If you see a girl you like and all you can think of is "Me Somedude you pretty lady I want make you my Girlfriend so we go kissy kissy!" Then just say that. Just start talking to girls, asking them out, and making moves. You fill in blanks we can't and shouldn't write you a step by step script to follow. You have learn this stuff for yourself. But first you need to just flip that mentle switch stop saying I can't, and start doing!

 

...

 

You know how to do something so just do it. IF all you can think of is "you girl, I boy, penis go in vagina" then thats what you say!

 

Also Cer hows that online profile comming a long I was serous about that.

When I see a new woman and get to know her, I am not thinking about sex. I just don't. During all that time I spent with D, not once have I thought about having sex or kissing her when I was around her. Of course I really wanted to sleep with her and often fantasized about her, just not when I was with her.

 

I have a really hard time as seeing women as sex objects when I'm around them.

Great advice.

 

See somedude's mindset is probably that if you go up and talk to a girl, you better be "perfect" or you're going to make an idiot of yourself. That's not really true.

 

Women don't expect perfection, especially in "daytime" approaches. They are even surprisingly tolerant of a little nervousness (if you are accepting of that in yourself). They DO expect that you take initiative and do something, despite your nervousness.

My mindset is that if I just go up to a girl, ask her out, I will get rejected. There is possibility of it working.

Sometimes I think the greatest cure for failure is more failure until the point where you stop caring about failing and just do whatever it is because it's true to who you are. It's like you become immune to it. It was like that with sales and all the "No"s for me. Just accepting that it's okay to not get something you want and that it doesn't mean anything wholly negative about you as a person if someone says no or whatever = freedom, really.

How would you feel that if in your sales, you only got no's, having never gotten a yes?

Is this profile thing really happening??? I love that idea.

Heh, I don't really know.

 

Though something may come of it.

That's because you're a black-and-white thinker. It's all or nothing with you.

That's just how my life has been. Almost doesn't count. It's all or nothing etc.

 

That's not exactly what you do. You said you don't tell stories, you say as little as possible, occasionally you'll add your two cents. Well, start telling stories, say more than the bare minimum, try adding more than two cents. You don't have to bring up random details, say something relevant.

I always say relevant things and keep the conversation going. But I don't like telling stories or talking at length about myself.

 

Ugh, I wish I could get some real feedback from a woman I've spent time with. I just feel I'm not describing what I do correctly.

 

 

 

What's wrong with that line and why wouldn't it work? "I'd like to take you out for..." (fill in the blank). It's perfect. It's direct and she'll know it's a date.

Has it worked for(on) you?

 

I'm getting the feeling that you don't like asking girls out directly. You prefer to be indirect. That's called "asking her out without really asking her out" and it's what nervous guys do. They're famous for it. Just ask her out directly, don't be afraid.

Yes, I don't like being direct. 100% of the women who have known I was interested in them have rejected me. With a record like that why would I ever want to be direct?

 

That's fine, but maybe you could also ask her about stuff that's fun to talk about. Like her favorite movies or her pets, everyone loves to talk about that stuff. You want to aim for topics that will get her excited and bring a smile to her face. Talking about your major and your dream job isn't really that exciting, and it kinda sounds like a job interview.

Major and dream job stuff is just an icebreaker. Conversations are always changing when I'm with girls and they never seemed bored.

 

If that doesn't appeal to you, invite her out for coffee or dinner.

No, not unappealing, just seems really odd. Not with a girl I don't know. And I don't know why a girl would go out with a guy she doesn't know for drinks.

 

The best first dates I had were just dinner dates. It was the conversation that made the date awesome. Great conversation is all it takes to make me want a second date.

Damn, that just doesn't seem enough. I guess I haven't been having great conversations?

 

Those dinner dates where enough to turn a stranger into somebody you wanted a relationship with?

I think height is a silly reason to discount someone. I know, because I used to do it and what a fool I was!

Many other women do it too. And they keep doing it till they finally grow up. It's like if I refused to date a girl because she wasn't an E cup or greater.

 

I think somedude will find a girl who likes him for HIM if he has more confidence and quits worrying about it so damn much.

 

Women can sniff out low self esteem and low confidence faster then anything and it's a big turnoff.

How am I supposed to suddenly get confidence?

 

All I need is to find a woman who can look past her initial impression and just give me a chance. But I feel that I'd have a better chance getting attacked by shark while traversing the Sahara.

 

I'm still not sure about women being psychics and all that.

[Dust]

When I see a new woman and get to know her, I am not thinking about sex. I just don't. During all that time I spent with D, not once have I thought about having sex or kissing her when I was around her. Of course I really wanted to sleep with her and often fantasized about her, just not when I was with her.

 

I have a really hard time as seeing women as sex objects when I'm around them.

 

You're here now saying you want a gf. No one says you have to have sex with anyone to get a gf. Just do something, say something "Hi want to go out?" Just say something. We can't give you a script, we can't explain this stuff to you past what we already have. You need to go out and live life and stop worrying about it.

 

What do you mean you don't see women as sex objects? Why would a woman be a sex object? You should be sexually attracted to women in person? Are you telling me you're only sexually attracted to women when they arn't aroung in person? Like if you're just thinking about the idea of woman but not being around an actual women?

 

Stop looking at so much porn that might help. Try touching a real woman and looking at one naked in person that might help too.

 

I can't relate to some of your problems because I find women very sexy in person. My favorite way to have a woman is in person.

[Lonely Ronin]

Can you give examples of what you actually said or close? The main reason I'm asking is because as I said before I've gone out and done stuff with girls where they had no idea I was interested. I'm also afraid of being too formal and seeming too interested. Also how soon should I ask?

 

exact wording isn't needed, and besides every woman is different and should be treated uniquely. All you really need to make clear is that you are asking to take her out.

 

If you want to, post some hypothetical proposal, and I'll let you know if i think they are a good idea. If your interested in a woman that you know from salsa, what would you say, where would you say it, and when?

 

 

Formal is a relative term, as it really depends on the personality of the woman. Just tonight I was out with a female friend for coffee and she told me I was old fashioned because I refuse to ask a women out that I have been eyeing for months in any way except in person. She went on to say that in her opinion face to face works in the guys favor, because the woman is more likely to say yes. Face to face requires an immediate response, so she is more likely to go with her gut, not sit back and ponder like she might via text or email.

 

As others have said, stop worrying about being perfect, just do it. Trust me, as long as your not giving off an all I want to do is f-you vibe, any women who rejects you because she thinks you're to formal or interested, isn't worth your time.

[somedude81]

What do you mean you don't see women as sex objects? Why would a woman be a sex object? You should be sexually attracted to women in person? Are you telling me you're only sexually attracted to women when they arn't around in person? Like if you're just thinking about the idea of woman but not being around an actual women?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

 

My brain cannot make the connection between a lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. I see them as two separate women.

 

I do not see the everyday woman as something I can have sex with. And that is why I don't get sexual thoughts when I'm around real girls. I see them as pretty objects that I like to talk to and look at. Not people that I can actually touch.

 

My sexual experiences haven't helped either because the situations were all fake. I've never been with a girl I like, and every woman I had sex with, I knew her for less than an hour before we did it and I didn't have to do anything. It wasn't real life.

 

 

Stop looking at so much porn that might help.

I'm going to try to go without it starting Jan 1. That just means I'm only going to be able to masturbate with my imagination, and that gets old.

 

Try touching a real woman and looking at one naked in person that might help too.

Love to. Are you going to mail me one?