Afishwithabike Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I don't know first hand what it's like to be the BS or the WS, but I've read several books about infidelity and lurked on several well-known marriage building sites like MB, surviving infidelity and so on. One thing I keep seeing is that when triggers happen, the BS should be comforted by the WS. I just don't get that. How is it that the BS can ask the WS to comfort them during a trigger? Infidelity is a type of emotional rape and asking the WS, even a remorseful one, to comfort one during a trigger seems like asking a rapist to comfort the victim when the rape victim remembers the rape. I just haven't understood how it is the BS gets comfort from the WS when it's the WS who caused the trauma in the first place!
drifter777 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 When something triggers my memory or the visions of her and OM just pop in my head from nowhere, the last thing I want is for her to even touch me. I usually leave the room and, if it's evening, I sleep on the couch. Sometimes I will tell her that I triggered and can't stand the sight of her right now. Usually I say nothing and wait for the anger to pass. Maybe someday I can forgive her for being human and making a mistake, but the act itself is unforgivable. There is no forgetting.
JustK Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I don't know first hand what it's like to be the BS or the WS, but I've read several books about infidelity and lurked on several well-known marriage building sites like MB, surviving infidelity and so on. One thing I keep seeing is that when triggers happen, the BS should be comforted by the WS. I just don't get that. How is it that the BS can ask the WS to comfort them during a trigger? Infidelity is a type of emotional rape and asking the WS, even a remorseful one, to comfort one during a trigger seems like asking a rapist to comfort the victim when the rape victim remembers the rape. I just haven't understood how it is the BS gets comfort from the WS when it's the WS who caused the trauma in the first place! If you've never been either, I'm was wondering what it is about infidelity that interested you so much that you would do so much reading and research on a subject that doesn't directly affect you. I wish I could avoid the subject myself. When something triggers my memory or the visions of her and OM just pop in my head from nowhere, the last thing I want is for her to even touch me. I usually leave the room and, if it's evening, I sleep on the couch. Sometimes I will tell her that I triggered and can't stand the sight of her right now. Usually I say nothing and wait for the anger to pass. Maybe someday I can forgive her for being human and making a mistake, but the act itself is unforgivable. There is no forgetting. If you feel like this what was it that made it make sense for you to stay?
Author Afishwithabike Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 If you've never been either, I'm was wondering what it is about infidelity that interested you so much that you would do so much reading and research on a subject that doesn't directly affect you. I wish I could avoid the subject myself. I agree it's a depressing topic, but once I get interested in a topic, I have this urge to know as much as I can. Several close girlfriends and family friends have been the BS or the WS. I've heard their stories. I've been there for them when they needed someone to talk. Some reconciled. Some divorced. Also, in my career, I've helped people with their divorces so I've seen it when R doesn't work out. All of these things got me thinking about it...
Breezy Trousers Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I agree it's a depressing topic, but once I get interested in a topic, I have this urge to know as much as I can. Several close girlfriends and family friends have been the BS or the WS. I've heard their stories. I've been there for them when they needed someone to talk. Some reconciled. Some divorced. Also, in my career, I've helped people with their divorces so I've seen it when R doesn't work out. All of these things got me thinking about it... Totally understand. You don't need to defend yourself. Everyone knows someone impacted by infidelity, so curiosity is natural .... When my mother was dying, I read lots of books about dying. That didn't mean I wanted to die. I notice a lot of people tend to do it. Anyway, good point! .... I don't recall asking my husband to comfort me during a trigger. My emotional default is never crying, pleading or asking for a hug. My emotional default is trying to explain away/overlook/bury feeling and, when that doesn't succeed, suddenly exploding in anger. Perhaps getting in DH's face was my way of seeking comfort or reassurance? Anger is an expression of fear or grief, so probably. I've learned that true security -- true power -- comes from accepting my powerlessness over people, places and things. That's not the same as being a doormat. It's not my favorite posture in life, but it's the one that brings me the most peace.
SoMovinOn Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I don't know first hand what it's like to be the BS or the WS, but I've read several books about infidelity and lurked on several well-known marriage building sites like MB, surviving infidelity and so on. Why? ......
JustK Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Totally understand. You don't need to defend yourself. Everyone knows someone impacted by infidelity, so curiosity is natural .... When my mother was dying, I read lots of books about dying. That didn't mean I wanted to die. I notice a lot of people tend to do it. Anyway, good point! .... I don't recall asking my husband to comfort me during a trigger. My emotional default is never crying, pleading or asking for a hug. My emotional default is trying to explain away/overlook/bury feeling and, when that doesn't succeed, suddenly exploding in anger. Perhaps getting in DH's face was my way of seeking comfort or reassurance? Anger is an expression of fear or grief, so probably. I've learned that true security -- true power -- comes from accepting my powerlessness over people, places and things. That's not the same as being a doormat. It's not my favorite posture in life, but it's the one that brings me the most peace. I hope you didn't thin you had to defned yourself. I'm just so sad about this all the time I can't understand why you'd want to if you didn't have to.
Author Afishwithabike Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 Breezy Trousers, Drifter..Thanks. Your responses have been helpful. JustK - I expected someone would ask me that question. I'm not offended. Why? ...... Already answered.
Recommended Posts