Silent Treatment or No Contact? How do you interpret this?

[makelemonade1974]

So I've acted emotional and silly. I've sent some drunk text messages. I've broke up with this guy twice in the past month (first time we reconciled) because I was afraid he was about to ditch me. Overall, I have been a complete idiot. I mean, I am not completely to blame, but this was a rather new relationship and I screwed it up. It's the holidays, so we've both been doing a lot of drinking. That said, I broke up with him this last time for a pretty tangible reason - he behaved in an inconsiderate manner (which he never addressed or apologized for).

 

I wrote him a lovely note explaining how I felt and told him I still cared for him, etc. but that I couldn't have him in my life if he wasn't going to be respectful, but I would still be his friend. I really regret all of it. Every argument we had was via text (we were always blissfully happy when together). I just feel like all our troubles were based on misunderstandings and if we could have an actual conversation we could clear it up.

 

So since the note (Monday) I have left a message on his voicemail (today), sent a casual Christmas card (which he probably received today or will tomorrow) and sent a text (also today). No response. Nada. Zip. Silent treatment.

 

I know he's furious with me. But he leaves town on Sunday. I'm not going to contact him again. He knows I want to speak with him. How am I supposed to interpret the silent treatment? Is it just anger? Or is he really gone?

 

I'm having trouble managing my emotions here. I've been really hurt in the past and so I think I tend to sabotage things when I meet someone who I really like. I want to be the one to walk away. But I still feel rejected and miserable. And I miss him.

 

Is it over? Do I just grieve and move on? Or wait? Why doesn't he just answer the text or call and say "I'm done. Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." ???????

Edited December 22, 2011 by makelemonade1974

[PoppyLove89]

My ex did the same thing after two weeks of contact following the split, we were together for a year. I guess for some it's easier to just cut all ties and try and move on. There may be nothing he has to say right now since he might not know what he wants...give him space and time but prepare for the worst.

 

If you get it into your head that it's done and start moving on, then whatever happens after that might just be a bonus for you - this stops you getting your hopes up as well.

 

I know it's difficult when all you want is answers and you just aren't getting them but I guess sometimes it's easier to just say nothing at all than be cruel about it. He could be confused or he could have thrown in the towel. Only time will tell..

 

In the mean time, keep your chin up and stay NC

[HLP234]

It could be that he was hurt and is going through the stages of breaking up. First there is sadness,loneliness, then there's anger and justification. So he could be avoiding you because he is trying to focus on other things. I know its hard and it happens to all of us. But if he has said nothing as of now, I would not keep contact, it will only hurt you.

 

If he has something to say he will write you back. But take note of how the replies go. If they are coming off as angry or trying to make you feel bad then that means he is still not over it and is not ready to talk things out.

 

There is no good way to go about it other than to focus on yourself now. Easier said than done, but if your reason for breaking up made sense then you should not have regretted it. I don't know the details or if there were communication problems prior to that. If he asks why tell him the truth and tell him how you feel now and how you felt at the time.

 

If you want it to be truly over than just go NC. Why do you need confirmation from him if you told him it is over? It could be your emotions playing tricks on you and yes you do miss him and feel bad but if you want to be the one to walk away, well you have to take that step forward no matter who says its over first.

Edited December 22, 2011 by HLP234

[BoredAgain]

I don't think anybody here will be able to help you decode your Ex's silence. Maybe he's just angry, maybe he's trying to just move on, or maybe he just lost his cell phone. Ultimately, I don't think it's important because your relationship doesn't sound like a great one.

 

As you say, it's a new relationship and you two are already having major issues. This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage after all, what's it going to be like when that high wears off? Besides, if you're having text message fights, then that pretty much just proves that neither of you are very good at resolving conflict. Plus, you said yourself there's an issue of you trying to sabotage relationships...

 

So even if you guys reconciled, would it really be a viable relationship? Maybe instead of focusing on you Ex, you should start focusing on yourself.

[mike588]

Leave him alone now....you've showed him how you feel now it's up to him...No more calls/texts ect. you'll just look pathetic and weak if you keep doing it.

[makelemonade1974]

I tend to blame myself for things. And I'm in therapy dealing with my issues from past relationships. Everyone is damaged in some way. I don't think that means I should be a nun. Or maybe it does - who knows.

 

I just think that breaking up over two drunk-text arguments (which weren't even really arguments - more like me just being very emotional) is silly. He knows I want him back. I think he's just tired of me leaving and coming back and then doing it again. I'm just afraid I'll be hurt again - and I want to just tell him that. In person. I want to explain why I acted that way.

 

And for the record, we were total honeymoon when together.

 

So I guess I'll just be all sad, eat chocolate, and consider him gone. I just don't really feel like the door has been closed because we haven't even had a phone conversation since the text argument. Technology and alcohol don't mix. It's so freaking cowardly to avoid someone like that. I HATE the silent treatment. If you want to go no contact, say so. Say no, I don't want you in my life, goodbye. It would help.

Edited December 22, 2011 by makelemonade1974

[Zabs]

If you reconciled the first time and then stuff happened for a second time...perhaps he is letting you know that this is not healthy and having NC makes you both consider what you both want and put a stop to back and forth! It is so aggravating.

 

I post this because we have been in NC for a few weeks now..yet my ex is still pursuing..if that makes sense...but anyhoo..I remember a time when he got so desperate over the arguing and misunderstandings ect, then he got his older sister to call me. She told me he was going to get an injuction against me, yet he was doing all of the calling, texting and spying yadda yadda yadda. Basically she said to me, have I tried NC. I told her of course I have...but it is only recently I realise what she meant. Because my head was elsewhere at the time, I did not remembe rthe whole convo...but after the NC bit she said "Because it's clear you cannot be together right now"....RIGHT NOW...not EVER..and judging by what my ex has done to date..he is simply trying to get our relationship to a place where we can both be comfortable, honest and with absolute certainty of what we both want...despite the stubborn attitude we both possess.

 

Perhaps your ex is using NC to heal and get a better perspective of what's going on...for him and for you..and WHY you keep seeming to have arguments over petty stuff yet you are idyllic together. If he feels the same as you...it will be frustrating him too you know.

 

Don't fall into the trap of 'hooking up' elsewhere. It will NOT make you feel better...and then you are adding further obstacles to an already complicated realtionship. That is the mistake I made!

 

One more thing. Texts can be ambiguous. Don't text unless it is about something that is completely black and white like..."I will meet you at yours at 7ish" or "Are you cooking?" Feelings and such? It is unwise to do so because it is all subject to interpretation...and that can sometimes doom otherwise good relationships.

 

Much love

 

Zabs xx:bunny:

[Philosoraptor]

So you broke up with him twice and expect him to inform you of going NC?

 

You ended things. He owes you nothing.

[makelemonade1974]

So you broke up with him twice and expect him to inform you of going NC?

 

You ended things. He owes you nothing.

 

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I feel so much better. No, I don't "expect" it. I just don't understand.

 

Sometimes people do things because of defense mechanisms. You get burned and dumped enough times, you react, when someone withdraws, because you want to be the one to leave. It's not game-playing. It's the result of old scars. This is something I would have liked to talk with him about - and would still like to. But I don't have the chance and it appears I never will.

 

Communication is something that is essential generally in life. The only commonality we have as human beings is trauma. It's unfortunate, but I believe it's the reason we don't understand each other. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with things and it's shaped by our personal experiences. Is it right to hurt other people? No. But it's not always intentional.

[HLP234]

I remember when my ex told me she needed a break, needed space. I was hurt but I knew what she wanted. She was obviously into someone else yet still had some sort of feelings for me.

 

I began to act distant, giving her the NC she asked for. Once I had done that, I was blamed for not talking to her, not caring and being weird with her. Well, its all an emotional game really. I'm honest and if I see that you are no longer interested, I will tell you how I feel. It does not mean I do not care and I hate her, it means I am respecting their wishes.

 

Eventually she just left without any closure and that hurt me the most. There was no this is it, I've gone on the break and we are no longer together. She just left, said nothing and neither did I. Sometimes It happens like this and you grow stronger.

 

Communication may be key but if you guys want different things, or think differently about a certain situation one of you will always feel like the other person is at fault. When it comes to this, if you guys are not understanding it would be best to leave it alone. If he wants to talk he will do anything to try to contact you.

[MarMarMar]

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I feel so much better. No, I don't "expect" it. I just don't understand.

 

Sometimes people do things because of defense mechanisms. You get burned and dumped enough times, you react, when someone withdraws, because you want to be the one to leave. It's not game-playing. It's the result of old scars. This is something I would have liked to talk with him about - and would still like to. But I don't have the chance and it appears I never will.

 

Communication is something that is essential generally in life. The only commonality we have as human beings is trauma. It's unfortunate, but I believe it's the reason we don't understand each other. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with things and it's shaped by our personal experiences. Is it right to hurt other people? No. But it's not always intentional.

 

"You get burned and dumped enough times, you react, when someone withdraws, because you want to be the one to leave."

 

He just got burned and dumped twice by the same person, probably just shutting down because he feels used and played honestly.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think this is the guy you had basically a "fwb" relationship with, who you slept with once a week for 4 weeks, right, but no contact in between? Who you were thinking there might be something "more" with, but it had not really happened?

 

That relationship, as you described it, never had any substance developed - certainly not enough to go through all of this drunken drama and end up in any kind of a positive place.

 

It sounds like a lot of negative behavior all the way around, except for fun sex.

[makelemonade1974]

Thank heavens for that ignore button.