ZimboGon Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) Just curious as to what you guys feel about the whole, wearing the pants scenario. My friend and i, we both were recently dumped, have been thinking about this for awhile. In the start, we both had very passive girlfriends. We are both really outgoing, and we took them and brought that part out of them. My girlfriend was head over heels for me, attached at my hip and very loving and nurturing. I loved her too, of course. But she was so in love, she trusted me and went with me to anything, and i was basically her guide. She was a pretty depressed person, and i took it upon myself to change that. Point being, she was very passive but loving. I would always say to myself, if we ever broke up it would never be her. 14 months into the relationship, things changed. I felt her pulling away (another guy had come into the picture) and i had a fear of losing her. I lost all my confidence. I threw all my pride and dignity away to keep her, despite her lying and messing around with the new guy. I sold most of what i owned, and i tried REALLY hard to keep her. I had broken down in tears several times about all the stress with her. We broke up 3 times in a month. My friend was in a similar situation with his girlfriend. So me and my friend, and a third friend were talking. My best friend and I were saying stuff like, "I never want to stoop that low again. It never got anywhere, and if we wanted another long term relationship again it would be much better for the girl to like us more than we liked them. So we could stay in control." My other friend was disgusted at this, and said both members should be equal. I've never really found a relationship to work that way. The way i see it, one person is the dominant figure. I just never want to stoop so low and be so afraid ever again. Since the break-up, i've gotten my confidence back and my cocky nature has returned, and i don't ever want to lose that. I want to keep the control. Person input? Edited December 22, 2011 by ZimboGon
bean1 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Equality was easier before marriage & kids. When our child came along, we naturally fell into the gender stereotypes - he worked, he did the bills, he made the major decisions (always informed me), and I cook, clean, and take care of the baby. It only made sense as I was the one with the uterus and boobs. Pure equality between the sexes is nice in theory but I don't think human nature means couples can be completely equal. Men are men and women are women. We can socialize out all the basic instincts as we can but I think some of the caveman lingers... I'm not sure if this comes off as "un-PC" or whatever.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 In another thread about shy women, me and LZ2000 were talking about how shy women can use their shyness for manipulation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310700/?highlight=manipulative I'm not sure if that pertains to your case, dude, but I thought I'd throw that out there. I'd say the main reason why you and your buds fell hard for your distant girlfriends was lack of experience with women. When a woman is satisfied with her man, emotionally, she'll start desiring other men. She will go to some guy who is more dominant and gives her the most attention. Therefore, I believe you and your buddy should have been dominant. Women desire a dominant man. Guys like that give women the drama they crave. Equality in a relationship never works because one personality always ends up being the more dominant. It is simply how human sociology works.
Author ZimboGon Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 In another thread about shy women, me and LZ2000 were talking about how shy women can use their shyness for manipulation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310700/?highlight=manipulative I'm not sure if that pertains to your case, dude, but I thought I'd throw that out there. I'd say the main reason why you and your buds fell hard for your distant girlfriends was lack of experience with women. When a woman is satisfied with her man, emotionally, she'll start desiring other men. She will go to some guy who is more dominant and gives her the most attention. Therefore, I believe you and your buddy should have been dominant. Women desire a dominant man. Guys like that give women the drama they crave. Equality in a relationship never works because one personality always ends up being the more dominant. It is simply how human sociology works. Well, the thing was i was always dominant and confident until the end. The guy she left me for is really needy and has terrible self-esteem. He basically follows her around like a lost puppy, so i don't see that lasting very long at all.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Well, the thing was i was always dominant and confident until the end. The guy she left me for is really needy and has terrible self-esteem. He basically follows her around like a lost puppy, so i don't see that lasting very long at all. Hey ZimboGon, I just skimmed through an old thread of yours. Wow. You're just like I was: 18 dating a 15 yr old. Like you, I didn't have a car, but I sorta borrowed the extra family car most of the time. However, I mainly saw her on Sundays, when my family went to church, and we all took one car. I'm sure I looked kinda geeky to her always having to be driven around by her folks. She didn't have her own car, but since I was older and a guy, she probably felt I should have one. In any case, like I said, I was in your situation. My 15 yr old gf more inexperienced and confused with dating as I was. One thing that really hurt the relationship was that since I was legally an adult and she was legally a minor, both our families were skeptical and tried to pull us apart. This helped shake her confidence in our relationship. I wonder if the same happened to your girl. My girl saw more of the guys at her high school than she did me. She loved the attention any guy gave her. I once picked her up from high school and saw many guys flirting with her. I think your case our situation is different than other people's. Even if we had been dominant, it wouldn't have worked out because other guys saw her more. Our ex-gfs were young, confused, and in love with attention. Give it a year or two and you'll be over her.
kaylan Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 It depends on the person. People have different personalities and different wants a needs. Despite the fact that I have a dominant personality, I like to have an equally dominant woman with backbone. Other people may like someone who is opposite to their personality. It all depends on the individual. As long as no one walks all over someone, I think whatever style they pick is cool.
Author ZimboGon Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Hey ZimboGon, I just skimmed through an old thread of yours. Wow. You're just like I was: 18 dating a 15 yr old. Like you, I didn't have a car, but I sorta borrowed the extra family car most of the time. However, I mainly saw her on Sundays, when my family went to church, and we all took one car. I'm sure I looked kinda geeky to her always having to be driven around by her folks. She didn't have her own car, but since I was older and a guy, she probably felt I should have one. In any case, like I said, I was in your situation. My 15 yr old gf more inexperienced and confused with dating as I was. One thing that really hurt the relationship was that since I was legally an adult and she was legally a minor, both our families were skeptical and tried to pull us apart. This helped shake her confidence in our relationship. I wonder if the same happened to your girl. My girl saw more of the guys at her high school than she did me. She loved the attention any guy gave her. I once picked her up from high school and saw many guys flirting with her. I think your case our situation is different than other people's. Even if we had been dominant, it wouldn't have worked out because other guys saw her more. Our ex-gfs were young, confused, and in love with attention. Give it a year or two and you'll be over her. ... She never came back to you, huh?
kaylan Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Also, both people in a relationship need backbone, confidence. and respect for one another. Despite whatever roles they have, those are an absolute must.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 ... She never came back to you, huh? Actually she did. After the dude got her pregnant and she told her friends and family I was the father. It took me around a year to get over her. I went throug so many emotions. Confusion, anger, self-pity, pity for her, bitterness toward women, apathy, self-loathing, and depression. One sad thing about is while I went through the hurting period, I met many women who seemed interested in me. When I finally got over my ex, I cursed myself for passing up all those women, as most of them were gone or lost interest.
Author ZimboGon Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) Actually she did. After the dude got her pregnant and she told her friends and family I was the father. It took me around a year to get over her. I went throug so many emotions. Confusion, anger, self-pity, pity for her, bitterness toward women, apathy, self-loathing, and depression. One sad thing about is while I went through the hurting period, I met many women who seemed interested in me. When I finally got over my ex, I cursed myself for passing up all those women, as most of them were gone or lost interest. Holy sh*t dude! That SUCKS! At least you've learned from it, right? Our relationships were pretty different, though. She was completely and totally in love with me, and she isn't a huge flirt. This guy swooped in on our moment of weakness, and because she and i saw each other less and she saw him everyday, he had a chance to wiggle in. I'm pretty sure she'll come back in the future though, when she realizes what a huge mistake she made. I really can't see myself with anyone other than her. Not from only an emotional stand-point, but logically too. Oh yeah, and both of our parents were cool with us dating and having sex. Edited December 22, 2011 by ZimboGon
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) It's not an "either - or" proposition. There are degrees of dominance and submissiveness. This is my preface to say that it is pretty-much a fact of life that this is going to come up in relationship because two dominants and two submissives don't usually work out. It's possible to be either dominant or submissive without being a tyrant versus a doormat however so I don't think people should take these classifications as meaning the pairing of extremes. It's best when there is one is paired with the other but both are considerate and courteous in how they negotiate decisions. I was in a relationship with a dominant woman and I had never taken stock of what I was before her but her manner told me I was not submissive and I found myself just recoiling a lot from her prompts. After we broke up I became very expeditious in ending any relationship where I could see myself being expected to comply with everything. So, I'm dominant--just not domineering and appreciate cooperation and yielding rather than contentiousness, resistance and the assumption of righteousness until humbled by battle. The hell with that noise. Edited December 22, 2011 by Feelin Frisky
CarrieT Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I don't believe that there is EVER 100% equality in a relationship. To me, someone is always a little more dominant than the other. I believe that is human nature and how we are drawn to people. It might be sexually, financially, or simply psychologically, but people are not equals 100% of the time in every aspect of their relationship. But it is learning that balance and who is more dominant when AND communication which makes for successful relationships. I am a naturally submissive woman when it comes to sex. I want to be man-handled and taken and prefer to be the bottom. In my past, I have had to be the dominant in the relationship as far as taking care of things; keeping the house in order, paying the bills, laundry, making sure the car is kept running. In the long run, I felt like my BF's mother - doing everything to make our loves run smoothly but also making the important decisions in our lives on finances, living, travel, etc. It was not for me and I have now entered a relationship where the man I am with will be making these decisions and because it is new to me, it is something I am still learning to accept. We are communicating extensively on this new role of mine and how it effects my lifestyle. At some point, I know that for our relationship to move forward, we will want to live together and it will be me that will be packing and moving to be near (or with) him. I will be altering my life considerably more to fit within his life than he will for me. That is okay; I have had it the reverse in the past and it ultimately did not work for me or that relationship.
Taramere Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I've never really found a relationship to work that way. The way i see it, one person is the dominant figure. I just never want to stoop so low and be so afraid ever again. Since the break-up, i've gotten my confidence back and my cocky nature has returned, and i don't ever want to lose that. I want to keep the control. Person input? I think each person should have areas where they play to their strengths and lead. If you have one person constantly being the passive follower (even in respect of activities where they perhaps have more ability or knowledge) then that person is going to stagnate and possibly even become depressed. Anybody who would actually want to see that happening to a partner, for the sake of feeling dominant or in control....well it's up to you what mindset you approach future relationships with, but I think that it would be wise for you to reflect quite carefully on that desire and be prepared to challenge it. My girlfriend was head over heels for me, attached at my hip and very loving and nurturing. I loved her too, of course. But she was so in love, she trusted me and went with me to anything, and i was basically her guide. She was a pretty depressed person, and i took it upon myself to change that. Point being, she was very passive but loving. I would always say to myself, if we ever broke up it would never be her. 14 months into the relationship, things changed. I felt her pulling away (another guy had come into the picture) and i had a fear of losing her. I lost all my confidence. I threw all my pride and dignity away to keep her, despite her lying and messing around with the new guy. I sold most of what i owned, and i tried REALLY hard to keep her. I had broken down in tears several times about all the stress with her. My theory about why you fell to pieces is that you had very little respect for this passive, loving girlfriend. When you felt the roles were reversed and you became the "weaker" person you saw her as, you plummeted to earth with a great bump. If you see your relations with others primarily in terms of power struggles, with you affording less respect to the less powerful person, then it's always going to be hard for you to manage the times that you have less power. What you seem to be saying now is that you'll ensure that you are never the less powerful person. Well, short of becoming Bill Gates or a world leader, I'm not sure that's a very realistic option. It's probably more empowering, in the long run, to take a philosophical stance to the reality that you can't be the alpha in every relationship all the time.
Content Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I prefer decison to be made by whoever is more equipped to handle a certain situation,each person in a rleationship might have different strengths and weaknesses.. I want a PARTNER not a CHILD I had a women who wanted me to make every decison and lead her around on a leash and basically tel her what to do in life.. I avoid women like that who clearly have daddy issues or maybe are just inept..
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