redosier Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 My ex and I were together for almost 7 years. We're both in our 30s now. He's been extremely committed from the beginning, proposed to me this spring, and we got engaged. We did go through some periods of fighting -- sometimes a lot of fighting -- but also loved each other very much. Went to couples therapy for a bit, which helped in some ways and may have hurt in others. A little over 3 months ago, partly at the urging of my parents (who never should have been involved in the first place -- my mistake) I initiated a break / breakup. It was so emotional for both of us that we never even really determined which it was (break or breakup); in fact we barely even talked about it at all. He seemed particularly devastated at the beginning. He's not generally a very emotionally open person and the intensity of his response (sobbing and breaking down constantly for the week before he moved out) really surprised me. I think I was still in shock throughout that period. I felt great love for him -- and yet felt so scared and shocked at what I'd initiated that I just felt numb. That is, until the pain started to kick in. I miss him very, very much. For about weeks 2 through 5 of our breakup, he would initiate regular, date-like, meet-ups/hangouts. At the same time, I would attempt to initiate telephone contact with him (a few times a week) because I felt a need to "discuss" things. He was pretty resistant to discussing though, and so we never really did successful. Attempts to do so would result in arguments. The meet-ups were nice -- but we were both kind of afraid and reluctant to really discuss anything at them, and kept them more at the level of "dates". As time went on, I began to feel more and more sad. Then there was one bad/emotional encounter, where I probably acted a little too emotional, and he acted irritated. This was too much for me -- I really pulled back after (which is what I sensed he was starting to do) and I began NC. He sent about 2 small "thinking of you" type texts during that period but made no effort to really make contact. After about 3 weeks of NC (and a little over 2 months into our breakup), I sent kind of a neutral-ish email, acknowledging that we hadn't been in touch and letting him know that it wasn't that I wasn't thinking of him but that I was just trying to respect the space we both needed. I suggested maybe we could meet up in a week. He seemed really appreciative of my email and said meeting up in a week sounded good. But then never really followed through and I was too afraid to initiate further. A few weeks later, though, he wanted to get some stuff from my house -- and suggested we go out to dinner beforehand. We made plans to do this, but he texted me 3 hours beforehand, said he wasn't feeling well, and asked if we could meet the next day. I said 2 days later worked better, and we agreed to meet then. This time, an hour beforehand, he texted and suggested we postpone 1 more day since it was pouring rain outside (it really was raining hard, but I felt extremely frustrated at this point because I'd spent the entire experiencing extreme anxiety about the prospect of meeting him and didn't want to push it off any further). So I called and said "I was really looking forward to seeing you" to which he responded "you WERE?!!" He then mumbled something about it causing anxiety, and said he would come. Meeting went better than I thought. I just felt so happy to see him. I felt pretty emotional and teared up and even cried a bit a few times, but didn't really share any feelings/thoughts explicitly in terms of wanting to reunite with him. We didn't really discuss anything (future, etc.). Then at one point, unsolicited he said "I really miss having you around." He said it in kind of this serious/out-of-the-blue way, like he really meant it -- I was so shocked to hear him say that, that I kind of shut it down by mumbling something like "Yeah, I miss you too. It sucks" He gave me a few really long, pretty emotional hugs; it felt really nice, but I just felt too afraid to speak about anything further. A week later I texted him asking if he wanted to meet for dinner in another week. He said yes, and we settled on the day. A day before the meeting he texted and said he thought it was too soon for us to hang out again. I asked if we could talk (on the phone--which we haven't done in a few months) and he responded with a text saying "You are the most important thing to me, but I need to wait to talk." Confused and frustrated, I left it at that and didn't write back. A week later he texted me, saying that he misses me and that it's been really difficult for him, especially at this time of year (the holidays), but that he thinks it's "better for us." I texted back asking him to clarify (I had no idea if by "better for us" he meant breaking up for good or not speaking for awhile longer). He wrote back, clarifying that he'd meant that "taking a break and not talking are better for us. but not staying apart always." He said he loves me, etc. (note: he's basically said "I love you" in every communication since our breakup; I've not done the same to him, because I find it confusing). He then wrote a few minutes later saying "I really hope that I can come back into your life. Just not for some time. Regardless of what happens I know I want to be a friend for life." I wrote him back and tried to open up more about my feelings (I let him know that I do miss him, love him, respect him, etc.). This is a LOT more than I've shared with him, explicity, so far. At the same time, I tried to convey a sense of to "being ok with the break" (indicating that it's been good for me and that I'm benefiting from it, learning from it, and really working on myself -- which is true). The reality, though, is that I miss him. I really, really miss him. I want to work on things with him. My response to him was long and heartfelt, but composed in such a way that it didn't necessarily warrant a response (I basically ended it by saying "I don't know what comes next," told him I loved him and "please take care of yourself"). That was 5 days ago. He hasn't written back. I really have no idea what I should be doing or how I should be interpreting things. What does it mean that he "Really hopes to be able to come back into my life, just not for some time"?.... I know he was hurt by the breakup. Is he recovering from the pain and trying to give the break a fair chance? Is he totally over me, but just afraid to shut the door completely? It strikes me that he continues to call it "taking a break" (as opposed to a breakup). I know it's just semantics, but at this opint it feels to me like a "breakup". I'm not sure if he knows just how much I want to give things another chance. Also, I still have the engagement ring. He hasn't asked for it back yet (and I'm not sure when or how to offer it back to him). He's moved into a big new aparment (presumably signed a lease). But I'm still on his insurance plan and he seems happy to continue that. Sorry to be so long winded. Any advice would be much appreciated. It's been 3.5 months now. I am trying to casually date other people and concentrate on other things, but I really don't want to give up on this relationship.
BoredAgain Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 So, why did you break up with him in the first place? You never quite explained that. Regardless, you ultimately have to understand that you hurt him when you initiated the break/breakup. When that happens, there's going to be some serious trust issues there. Besides, it doesn't seem like you've made it clear that you're willing to work things out.
EgoJoe Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 (edited) You need to leave him alone. Figure your own **** out. He's carrying himself with dignity and trying to heal. If saying "I love you" to someone is confusing then you need therapy. You are "casually" dating others but you don't want to give up on this relationship? What a cake-eating crock. You already ended it. Edited December 23, 2011 by EgoJoe
Lonely Ronin Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 In my opinion he cares about you, but is trying to protect himself. Since you dumped him the ball is in your court. You're going to have to open up and bear your soul to him. You're going to have to acknowledge that you deeply hurt him, and explain why you did it. You're going to have to explain that you love him, and that you want him back in your life. If he wants to get back together, it's going to take time and it's going to be a delicate process.
leoc1973 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Why do you feel you need to date others? Ok in my situation I tried to get my ex back for 6 months the minute I found out she was dating it made me sick, not in a sick to my stomach cause I miss her and love her way but to be honest totally disgusted. You are going to do some damage that can't be undone! My ex has a guy she sees and the thought of him "with" her is something a guy can't ever get over. She tells me they haven't slept together but I don't believe her and your ex isn't going to believe you either. This guy is in love with you still. Give it some time! I never understood why women feel so compelled to have someone all the time. Be happy with yourself first. And best of luck because you two really seem to love each other he is just really confused right now. Hurt/angry/sad a guy thinks to himself wow I would have never broken up with her and she threw me away like last weeks garbage.
wilsonx Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I am going to be honest, you have to let him heal. He might not ever recover from this and this is a consequence that you have to deal with. I am pretty sure there's more to the story then whats posted but you said some key things. He's not an emotional person. This tells me the type of person you are and the type of person he is. I am pretty sure there was at LEAST an emotional affair on your end. And there is a reason for this. Its because women need emotional security, they can not get this from a guy that is not an emotional person. Theres just no intimacy. What you are feeling now is just the beginning of regret and guilt. If I was you I would ride it out with therapy and help. Rebounding and causally dating is going to cause you to get more hurt and abused then the pain you eventually have to deal with in the first place Hes probably not going to ever recover from this and you have to come to terms with this. It takes a rock solid man to ever recover from something like this again and I hate to say it, theres few of us out there.
Recommended Posts