The thought of contacting an ex from 3-4 years ago

[Melrapuo]

I've been having this thought in my head to contact an ex that had dumped me years ago. She still lives in my town (actually works two blocks from my house.) I'm not sure why, but I've had the urge to contact her. The break up was messy, and I resented her a lot for all these years, even when I was with my ex. For some reason though, I've felt like sending her a message. Just a "hey, I know this is weird that I'm sending you a message, but just wanted to say hi."

 

I don't even know why. Its not like I'm looking for a relationship from her. I think she's with someone at this point. But the thought popped in my head and I felt relief. As though I was able to let go of all that resentment because of my current breakup.

 

Strange, huh?

[IfiKnewThen]

no thats not strange. it may even be as common as we dont really care about THAT particular ex anymore. so its no longer as scary to approach them. i dont think you'll get anything out of it in the long run though.

 

it crossed my mind to contact someone too i resented for 6 years. because i dont care anymore and basically have forgiven them in a sense. you probably feel stronger. maybe its closure...facing the music somehow. but i can tell you this...

 

the resentment and hurt and pain that that break up caused....effected the new relationship that went awry. so you have to make peace with it...whether you ever talk to them again or not.

[Yeahsussu]

I don´t think it is strange at all to have those feelings. Two years after me and my ex broke up he contacted me on facebook (he deleted me as a friend when we broke up), he basically just said hi and wondered how i was doing and what I was working with nowadays etc. Pretty basic conversation.

 

From my perspective it was actually nice to hear from him! It was never any hard feelings between us, I guess that makes it a bit easier too. It was nice to hear what´s been going on in his life and I felt happy for him.

 

One year later it was me who contacted him, asked him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, since we hadn´t seen each other for maybe 3 years or so. He then told me he had a GF and it was pretty "fresh", so he didn´t want to cause any drama with his GF to come see me so we never did it.

Of course it felt a bit weird hearing he has a new GF now, but at the same time I´m happy for him.

 

Anyways, I don´t think it will cause any trouble contacting your ex, it just depends on where you are in your healing process. You said you´re not looking for a relationship from her, so I assume you´re totally over her? If so, I don´t see any problems with it. Just don´t expect to get much out of it.

[Melrapuo]

I don´t think it is strange at all to have those feelings. Two years after me and my ex broke up he contacted me on facebook (he deleted me as a friend when we broke up), he basically just said hi and wondered how i was doing and what I was working with nowadays etc. Pretty basic conversation.

 

From my perspective it was actually nice to hear from him! It was never any hard feelings between us, I guess that makes it a bit easier too. It was nice to hear what´s been going on in his life and I felt happy for him.

 

One year later it was me who contacted him, asked him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, since we hadn´t seen each other for maybe 3 years or so. He then told me he had a GF and it was pretty "fresh", so he didn´t want to cause any drama with his GF to come see me so we never did it.

Of course it felt a bit weird hearing he has a new GF now, but at the same time I´m happy for him.

 

Anyways, I don´t think it will cause any trouble contacting your ex, it just depends on where you are in your healing process. You said you´re not looking for a relationship from her, so I assume you´re totally over her? If so, I don´t see any problems with it. Just don´t expect to get much out of it.

 

Like IfIKnewThen said, I've recognized that a lot of resentment and anger I had towards my first ex transmitted itself over to the relationship with my current one. I've been thinking that, if it could happen once, it could happen again. The resentment will carry on to any relationship I have unless I make peace with it.

 

I keep hearing about my first ex a lot too, lately. She used to work in the middle of town, so I never saw her. Now, the business she works at just moved 2 blocks away from my house. I thought that was pretty strange.

 

I dunno. The break up between us was an arduous two months. She didn't know what she wanted, but was dating someone else. I wanted her, but let her string me along and stayed in contact for 2 months before finally cutting it off (she was still hooking up with other people.)

 

Do I expect a relationship from this? Of course not. Its been three years. Do I expect to hear anything in return? Maybe a "o, uh, hey there..." Thats about it. If anything, I feel like saying something along the lines of "I just wanted to say Hi. I know this is weird, since we haven't spoken in three years, but just wanted to say hello, see how your life was going. Happy holidays" sorta deal. I would send her a long, lengthy message about all the pent up resentment that I had towards her, and that I just needed to do this as a way of moving on, but I bet that would be kind've weird...

 

I dunno. I'm still sitting on the thought of sending her anything. I wanna know the best way of doing it so I don't hurt myself in the process.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi wow i havent been getting any alerts from LS at all. so i am kinda testing this to see if i will get an alert now. maybe my mail settings got screwed up.

 

what is it exactly you would want to say to her. you would have to start it off casual of course/ but are you rock solid in not caring how she will respond to you? thats a question you must ask yourself. and the answer should be ..yes...i think.

[Melrapuo]

I've decided that I'm not sure what I really want. This point bothers me. It means I'm sure of what I'm looking for, and this could potentially hurt me. I'm gonna hold off on messaging her.

 

And besides, my therapist told me that, within the next two weeks, or at least for a while, I shouldn't be making any major decisions. Messaging her would be one, so I won't do that yet.

[Melrapuo]

So, I decided to send a message to someone else instead - the first ever ex that I had dated (and dumped), back when I was 15. I have no idea why, but I always carried the guilt around of dumping her the way I did.

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

"i know this is going to be a little weird, with me messaging you and all. and what I'm going to say is probably going to come off strange, too. but lately life has been not-so-great, and its made me realize a lot of things.

 

for everything that i ever did or said to you all those years ago, i'm sorry. i know we were young and i was naive, and the whole way i decided to dump you broke your heart. i definitely got what i had coming to me though, because enza put me in my place by dumping me three days later lol.

 

over the past 5 years, i've had two long term relationships. one lasted about 2 years, but she left me for another guy. she totally ripped my heart out, led me on. i fell into such a horrible depression that i wasn't myself anymore. it was probably one of the worst moments of my life (to date). i haven't talked to that girl in a while, and i don't plan on doing so ever again.

 

my recent relationship lasted for almost three years. at first i was hesitant because it wasn't too long after the first one, but eventually i fell in love with her. recently things got sour, though. there have been problems between us that really needed time to fix, and we refused to acknowledge them until it was too late. now its only been a week since the break up, but its still saddening to me. i'm not distraught...just feel as though i spent all that time with someone and it can all just disappear like that. I miss her. I want her back. But I have to let go...

 

I don't expect you to respond to this. I don't even expect you to understand why I'm even sending this to you. If you feel as though I'm overstepping any bounds whatsoever, I'm sorry for that too. I feel as though I have to better myself in order to get anywhere in life. And the thought of what I did to you all those years ago still makes me feel guilty.

 

I'm glad to see you're happy now. Actually, you seem to have been very happy for a long time. I envy you, because you've met someone and you've been able to share a lot of life's happiness with them. I'm hoping one day I can do the same. I thought I did, but now I'm back to square one.

 

Again, I'm sorry for any pain or grief I ever did to you. You deserved better than that. Even if you already know that (and I'm sure you do). Just wanted you to know that, for a long time, I realized that too.

 

Take care of yourself. I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas."

 

I don't even know why I did that, tbh. I do feel as though she deserved that, though. I never meant to hurt her the way I did. Granted, this was 9 years ago, and it was only a 3-month online relationship. But still...

 

Maybe I'm trying to get karma on my side. Maybe I'm looking to right all my wrongs. I couldn't tell you. Right now I'm just trying to feel better, and I don't know how else to start.

[BoredAgain]

I don't think it's strange that you want to contact your Exes. I'm planning on dong the same in a month or two (once my life settles a bit more), but I don't have an inclination to make long apologies or try to resolve feelings or anything like that. For me, any feelings I had for them are completely gone. I'm really just curious to see what they have done with their lives.

[IfiKnewThen]

have you ever seen dr. wayne dyer do talks on PBS? well he talks about stuff like this. taking a higher road. maing peace with your past. letting go. forgiving....even yourself. you know we only get this one go around inlife. i think its nice for u to say this and you may or may not make a friend. but i think it will make you stronger and more whole to just be YOU! and a better you. so i say...even though the letter can sound intense to an outsider...it has it merrit and go for it. and dont look back in regret to taking this journey in life and being you. and discovering a higher self. i say good luck and God bless.

[childishregrets]

he talks about stuff like this. taking a higher road. maing peace with your past. letting go. forgiving....even yourself. you know we only get this one go around inlife

I wish i could do this lord knows i have tried and tried in my heart to understand but there are ssome things i just cant accept or get over.....

 

Im in bits today and have been since the 22nd DEC and im not sure what brought this on? I think maybe its the usual time of year bouts of depression but i really cannot forgive or understand how someone can not get back in touch

 

My ex was cold when i first met her,she messed me about with other ex's on the secene and stood me up on our first date by going to give an ex closure which i agreed to as she said she would be 10 minutes and she wanted to tell him it was over.It lasted 2 hrs and the bar staff asked me to leave as they wanted to close and when i walked out of the bar with my head down in humiliation they drove past and she got out and took me back to hers and i stayed that first night.What a love story!!

 

Oh and i had my first slap in the face by the time the relationship was 3 months old.The first signs of the abuse from her father who used to beat thier mother and walked out on the family.not once in this period did i react or curse or threaten or anything i was golden and true to my ideal i always had about the relationship i would have.Im an idealist hopeless romantic.

 

If u think thats a little messed up though u should see how it ended! put it this way within 2 months i was barred from calling,rejected laughed at and she was moving in with her rebound.That was 7 years ago roughly she got married recently to him and had a kid and not once, once have i heard a sorry or a single call from the day she started a relationship with him.

 

ZERO contact not a sorry or even an attempt at asking for my forgiveness? since that day ive been through about 3 breakdowns in total and many years of misery and guilt for my part in the end and middle bits.I know i was mean in the middle but the start or the end was 100% pure hurtful venemous actions by an insecure little girl who had already been through the same hurtful rebounds with her ex before me, with me and her current husband.

 

I dont believe in god or karma and im convinced that lies and evil wins in life.I need therapy and lots of it due to all the pent up anger ive never been able to release at her.

 

So yeah my point is that ive read all this stuff and changed myself and vowed to never ever repeat the past mistakes.Im dying to say sorry to her not just in words but in friendship as i have no wish to ever be with her again.I also have this desire to email her right now and tell her just how much she hurt me and how messed up and evil she is and how messed up life is that she got married and left me with all the pain and questions that have destroyed the best years of my life 21-26.

 

Yet nothing has helped...I need a better book i think

Edited December 25, 2011 by childishregrets

[Melrapuo]

Well, after coming out of my "woe is me" stage from the morning, I decided to continue trying to get things done. I started rearranging my room, bringing upstairs some christmas gifts, etc. And, since I was in a "**** this sadness ****:" attitude that I've been in, I decided to message my ex ex. (As I said, haven't spoken to her in 3 years.)

 

All I said was Hi, hoped that everything in her life was good, and wished her happy holidays. She messaged me back that it was random that I sent her a message, but asked how I was. We did this back and forth, one sentence answers about our lives and such. I ended it with, "Glad to hear everything's going well."

 

Didn't expect anything after that. Continued to clean my room, etc.

 

Then an hour later, I get a message that says "So why the sudden decision to talk to me :P"

 

And now I'm stuck. Because now I don't even know if I have a valid reason why. Granted, I figured that at some point we could become friends again in the future, maybe even "**** buddies," but I have no idea what her situation is and, in all honesty, I'm not sure about myself in the future.

 

So my newest question is, what the hell do I do now? I would enjoy leaving the door open for any possibilities, but I don't want to come off too strong...

[PlumPrincess]

Granted, I figured that at some point we could become friends again in the future, maybe even "**** buddies,"

I'm starting to believe that this old cliché about men constantly thinking about sex is true. It makes dangling the sex carrot in front of guys to get what you want really tempting.

[carhill]

hi wow i havent been getting any alerts from LS at all. so i am kinda testing this to see if i will get an alert now. maybe my mail settings got screwed up.

 

Here's a thread I started on that issue. No resolution as of yet.

 

Topically, BTDT a couple times, never with positive results. Perhaps the thoughts are healthy as part of the acceptance and resolution process, but acting on the thoughts hasn't been a healthy pursuit IME.

[Melrapuo]

Ok, so we talked and I decided to ask her out for coffee. She accepted pretty quick, even gave me her number (?). Didn't see that one coming

[carhill]

oh,yeah, it always started out like that.

[Melrapuo]

Oh boy...carhill, you're scaring me lol. What happened to you in the past?

[Melrapuo]

So we got coffee yesterday. Had a lot of fun/laughs. Spoke for almost two hours and talked about life, stuff that's happened to us etc. She was very smiley and talkative (prob nervous) and was saying that we should hang out soon. She asked what I was doing for new years and I told her I had plans w/ friends. I invited her to our new years thing but she said she had plans too. She insisted that we hang out more, come over her house, etc. I took this time to say that I wanted to ask her out for dinner next Friday. She said sure, so we set that up. We said goodnight, went home. She requested me as an fb friend.

 

Today I txted her something silly from our past, and she lol'd. Then she sent me two texts saying it was good to see me last night, and that she thought we'd never speak to me again. She said she was glad I changed my mind. (Last time we spoke I said we could never talk or be friends again.)

 

What is your takeon this? I'm trying to go slow but I'm also curious as to how she is reacting. She accepted my dinner invite but I'm not sure what shes looking forfrom this. Any ideas?

 

Sry for typos typing from a tablet

Edited December 29, 2011 by Melrapuo

[EgoJoe]

Ummmm...you said you could never be friends again she said she's glad you changed your mind but she invited you to a party, declined your invite due to having plans yet still accepted the dinner date.

 

I would say that it's looking very likely like she doesn't know either but that she is pleased to hear from you. I would be super cool at dinner and pick somewhere NICE, new clothes good cologne, do pushups before you shower and get ready to go..hit the steam room etc.

 

No matter what happens don't go for sex if it presents itself, eye contact flirt etc. but be a perfect gentleman and then after do not initiate contact again until she does. This will help reveal what is going on in her head.

[IfiKnewThen]

curious what ever happened with this story? what was the wind up? write us back if u ever see this again

[Melrapuo]

Yea i still frequent the site every now and then. She ended up bailing on the date. She is seeing some other guy and said she got caught up in the moment blah blah blah...she pretty much hasnt changed. However i realized that we'd be better off as friends and weve kept it that way. Ive been seeing someone else since then (couple dates, going for another saturday). I figured that i have no problems with a friendship. I dont see my ex in the same light that i used to. More of a fondness and a caring feeling than a romantic one.

Edited February 3, 2012 by Melrapuo

[Melrapuo]

Yet another strange update.

 

I hadnt talked to the ex much, but she had been messaging me more and more lately, commenting on more of my fb statuses, etc. Didnt think much of it. We had decided to be friends, but havent really hung out in over a month, so it was logical.

 

Last night im about to go to bed and she messages me on facebook chat, asks how i am. Then she tells me how the guy she was seeing (the one she cancelled our date to be with) pretty much told her that he.disnt want to date her. She was a mess, telling me how she loves the guy, how he told her the same, but was no longer sure. Blah blah blah. I felt bad for her cuz she was emotionally in the same spot that i was two.months ago, so i told her she deserved better, etc. At the same time though, it felt good. She picked.him over me, and thats what she gets lol. I know thats selfish, but its justifying too. At the end of the night she thanked me for listening, told me i was a good friend. I told her "i know" and did the same for her.

 

My sis thinks she wants me back, but i dont. Im just glad that for once i wouldve definitely been the smarter choice.

Edited February 20, 2012 by Melrapuo

[Frank13]

 

My sis thinks she wants me back, but i dont. Im just glad that for once i wouldve definitely been the smarter choice.

 

No, she doesn't want you back. The guy dumped her and she used you to dump her emotional baggage on. Once she finds a new guy you will probably never hear from her again.

[Melrapuo]

Emotional baggage? A friend needed someone to talk to...this is an ex from four years ago, not someone that dumped me two months ago. I felt it ironic that such a situation happened. It should give people some perspective that the same thing happens to everyone. An ex of yours has probably been hurt.by someone else just as much as they may have hurt you. I dont expect her to want me back, and i dont want her back.

[Melrapuo]

I haven't been on this website in a couple months, so I've decided to post an update.

 

I AM back together with my ex. It was a roller coaster ride, but after one failed reconciliation attempt we ended up making it official a few weeks ago. So far, its been really nice. I am still a little hesitant, as it is pretty early on in our newer relationship, but things are good. I didn't use any tactics you read online or in books, and I didn't manipulate her. I stated what I wanted from her, and left it at that. If she decided not to want to date me, then we wouldn't have dated. I took that as my course of strategy - that way I knew that I was able to say what I wanted to say and did the best I could. I guess this time I may have lucked out.

[jennisfora]

which ex do you mean? the one you just started talking to after three years, or the more recent one that dumped you? just curious.