PoppyLove89 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I know he still loved me when we broke up since it was done in the heat of the moment and he was being his usual loving self, planning out future, only the night before. He was 'unsure' for two weeks until I cut contact since he was basically telling me one thing and going out getting wasted/acting the opposite to how he told me he felt. He was definitely acting out post-split, even avoiding his family and being outwardly angry - even side lining work. So here's my question: Why do some dumpers turn so cold/spiteful/bitter after a break-up? Is it to force you to move on? Perhaps so they no longer have the choice of reconciliation? Their head says 'no' whilst their heart screams 'always', kind of thing.
Philosoraptor Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Anger helps some people a lot and they hang onto it. When angry you don't have to face the sadness.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 You know what, Philosoraptor (sorry if I spelt it wrong), you have been present in almost all of my threads and I just want to say thank you for your words and advice I guess his anger and him acting spiteful towards me is helping me in a way too because it's making me see him in a very undesirable light. He's not the man i fell in love with, i feel like that man died two months ago when our relationship did. i know he was trying to convince himself he made the right choice at the start and even now when one of our mutual friends or his sister try and talk about our relationship/me, he quickly changes the subject to something completely off topic. How can you say 'I love you' and walk away without so much as a backward glance? Ah well, he had me and he lost me, I'm holding out for the day I meet a man who respects me and what we had together...who says 'I love you' and truly means it.
Philosoraptor Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Glad to be of help I tend to spend most of my work day here as it's painfully slow. Not that I mind Everyone tries to heal in different ways. Worry about how to help yourself heal as you can't help those who wont accept it.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Nice! Think I need to find a job like yours haha Yeah I have been doing, I've been NC for over a month and it's easier that way. I don't think I'd want to feel the inevitable despair when I get no reply...and frankly, I just have nothing to say anymore!
Rimer Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Spiteful and Cold - To force you to move on I feel my ex did this to me at the end. It hurt as hell but she knew I wouldn't move forward with my life otherwise. That's what I'd like to think at least.
fiat500 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 They act spiteful and cold because they DON'T CARE anymore. And I suppose that GETS you to move on because you have no choice. But they are not acting that way to help you.
Rimer Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 They act spiteful and cold because they DON'T CARE anymore. And I suppose that GETS you to move on because you have no choice. But they are not acting that way to help you. I don't think that's always true. They just care for you in THAT kinda way anymore.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 They act spiteful and cold because they DON'T CARE anymore. And I suppose that GETS you to move on because you have no choice. But they are not acting that way to help you. Yeah I don't think this is always true either. After all, if you genuinely didn't care for someone anymore you wouldn't go out of your way to be cruel. I mean, you'd just be indifferent and civil - that's the decent thing to do and besides, if you have no feelings left, it wouldn't hurt you to do so. I meanwhile still managed to make my ex jealous after the way he was rude to me so he still has feelings else it wouldn't have worked. I have absolutely no feelings left for my ex-ex (the one before this one) and I didn't even flinch or flicker when I saw him with someone else because it didn't bother me one bit - i was polite to him and his date!
HLP234 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 There are many reasons one can become cold and spiteful when it comes to leaving someone. For one, its one way of justifying the actions they have taken. Another is they still care but do not see things your way or able to understand their own actions. Being angry and cold makes people move on much easier since you don't have to put the other person in the picture. Others only are able to see themselves and their actions as the right way so being angry is a lot easier if one is hurt, but does not want to show it, or perhaps feels like there is no point to even go back to the relationship. You should be angry and upset too if he was actually being weird for no reason and lying about what he was doing.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Yeah his behaviour has made me angry and it's made me realise that he's not the man I thought he was...if you can even call him a 'man', he's acting like an angry/confused teenager at the minute - avoiding family, living at his friends houses whenever he's back from the army instead of at home, going out constantly and drinking, being cocky and arrogant just like his friends....he did text me the day after our split to say that he felt he was "emotionally depressed" and perhaps he's just completely lost who he is. (Depressed because he regrets his job, his home life's not amazing and our relationship ending etc) I guess when people lose their identity they latch onto and mimic whatever's closest (his much younger friends). Oh well, good luck to him really. He'll realise sooner or later that his behaviour wasn't okay and perhaps he might even feel a little bad but for now he's too caught up in his new 'being single is amazing, going out and getting wasted every other night' phase...once that novelty wears off (which it will since even before our relationship he was never a big party-goer) then he'll deal with his feelings. By then, I'll hopefully have healed and moved on
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