MammaMia Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 This question is for those who are trying to reconcile and there are bumps on the way. What is the number one obstacle that gets in the way or your R? What do you plan to do to alleviate it?
2sunny Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Honesty from the other person...most people are unwilling to be honest. Without it - there's nothing...
freestyle Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I think one of the biggest obstacles to healing can be rug-sweeping.(on the part of the WS) "Can't we just put this behind us already???It's been---what? Four months already??" Ummm, no. Not hardly.
YellowShark Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I think one of the biggest obstacles to healing can be rug-sweeping.(on the part of the WS) "Can't we just put this behind us already???It's been---what? Four months already??" Ummm, no. Not hardly. Agreed. The WS wants "reconciliation" to be over ASAP because they really lack the empathy to fully understand what damage their affair did to the BS emotionally. So the WS will definitely try to minimize the affair, and even refuse to take 100% ownership for the affair. They will use something in relationship "A" which -(in their mind)- forced them into relationship "B." So true healing never really occurs. This lack of empathy undermines the effort the WS needs to put into rebuilding the trust in the relationship.
freestyle Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Agreed. The WS wants "reconciliation" to be over ASAP because they really lack the empathy to fully understand what damage their affair did to the BS emotionally. So the WS will definitely try to minimize the affair, and even refuse to take 100% ownership for the affair. They will use something in relationship "A" which -(in their mind)- forced them into relationship "B." So true healing never really occurs. This lack of empathy undermines the effort the WS needs to put into rebuilding the trust in the relationship. Absolutely---I also see rug-sweeping as perhaps the greatest insult on top of injury, aside from the affair itself. A WS shouldn't rush the BS along in healing according to his/her own timetable--How long it takes is up to the BS, and is contingent upon how the long the affair went on, whether or not there was full disclosure on D-day--whether or not the AP was known to the BS.............The psychological resilience of the BS-----there's so many variables. The WS MUST be genuinely remorseful, and PATIENT.............If he/she wants to regain the trust he/she damaged.
drifter777 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 The WS MUST be genuinely remorseful, and PATIENT.............If he/she wants to regain the trust he/she damaged. I don't think a BS can fully heal without their cheating spouse's genuine remorse. Too many WS's blame something or someone else for their decision to cheat. Bullsh*t. Many WS's try to avoid their shame by finding some hidden "good" that came from their cheating. Things like "after I screwed other men/women I finally realize that I love you and want to spend my life with you". Even if there is some truth to this, it is a selfish, shameful, careless, and hurtful way to "discover yourself". You wounded your spouse to their very soul. You destroyed the trust and the bond that made you man and wife. You may have lost your family due to cheating rather than honestly confronting your feelings.
beenburned Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 The above answers are all good and true. But I think if the WS does NOT do the hard work of examining why they thought it was O.K. to behave that way in the first place. And work hard to correct all of them, then any other things they do during reconciliation really doesn't matter in the long run, because they will just repeat old coping techniques.
SoMovinOn Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 The two biggest obstacles I faced with trying to R were the constant lies and the fact that she still held onto her fantasy image of what she had with one of her OM. I will alleviate those problems by getting a D.
YellowShark Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 The two biggest obstacles I faced with trying to R were the constant lies and the fact that she still held onto her fantasy image of what she had with one of her OM. I will alleviate those problems by getting a D. She does that because it really WASN'T a real relationship. It was one that was *stuck* in the Honeymoon phase. So your soon-to-be EX-wife *thinks* it was something very special. But it was simply a fairy tale. Alas had she lived day-to-day with her OM that relationship too would have moved naturally from the Honeymoon phase into the mundane day-to-day phase. Since she continues to hold on to her "fairy tale" with another man I would agree, she is not 100% remorseful and will probably do it again when push comes to shove.. (since she really isn't taking ownership for her transgression.) Divorce may be the only thing that wakes her up from her fantasy.
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