Veryconfused12345 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Hi, Hope everyone's hanging in there as Christmas approaches, I'm thinking this might not be the most festive holiday season I've ever had... I've been posting sporadically for the past 2 and a half months and people on this forum have been kind enough as to deal with my moments of freak out. I thought I was doing better but the situation is now officially so messed up I really really need some outside opinions here. Just to recap, I was with my fiance for 3 years. He has had periods of deep depression and what is increasingly becoming clear are pretty substantial insecurities/self loathing issues. He broke up with me because he felt I was going to eventually leave him and very promptly started a relationship with another woman about a month later. I have been absolutely crushed. He's come back since then desperate to make it work and has broken up with her. He explained he wished he had just kept her as a friend, he was lost and confused, and thought he was doing the right thing for both of us by "trying to move on." But she's devastated as well and he doesn't want to be a bad guy so is trying to be there for her as a friend. After all of this, he's basically just shut down, retracted into his own little world of depression and numbness, and seems to be leaning on me to get through what I can only describe as incredible guilt for messing up both his and my life. I spoke to him today and basically just offered him my friendship and support because it feels like this isn't him, it's his depression. I guess my feeling is I have to get him back to his old self before anything can be broached about our relationship. He has expressed the fact that he is incapable of giving anything at the moment and feels "broken." I know depression makes you selfish but I just feel like I have been dragged through hell for nearly 3 months now, am attempting to forgive him for leaving me for another woman, and now he's keeping me at arm's length and just using me as a friend to help himself. I feel absolutely devastated by everything and I keep on coming back to him because I really need support for myself-something I can't get from him. A bit like hitting my head against a wall really... Objectively, I would tell any friend in this situation to just completely extricate herself from this. I sincerely wish I could. I am still very much attached to the person he used to be and perhaps stubbornly am refusing to accept that he's changed. I still believe that we could be happy again but I don't know if I'm clinging to this with the hope that after some time passes he'll come back to his senses. Has anyone ever had to deal with a partner with depression like this? Is there any hope or way to deal with this so that he returns to his old self and to me? I was incredibly happy with him for so long. I just have trouble returning to a life without my best friend and partner. Thanks so much
Philosoraptor Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Follow your own advice and break away. You can not fix this person. I'd contact his family and recommend a therapist. It's sad but you can not let yourself continue to get hurt over someone else.
fucpcg Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I fell in love with a woman that definitely has issues, stemming from 16 years with ******* husband, and leading into alcohol issues. When things are good with us, she is like no other woman I have ever been with. However things went bad 10 months ago, and she refuses to talk to me now. Every single friend of mine says give up on her, but I love her, and I can't. I know she misses me, I know we had something truly special, and I know that time spent with other gilrls since feels like nothing but a "filler". There isn't any connection with them as their is my ex. I do believe when you are attracted to a person with issues, you have some yourself. I know I do. Right now, I am just working on improving myself as a person, hoping that this will bring extra stability into a relationship that may restart with my ex. Not a perfect answer, not a perfect world, I just know I love her.
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