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i think my bf is in love with her best friend

SouthernSunshine

By SouthernSunshine
in General Relationship Discussion

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Long story semi short... I think my bf is in love with his best friend whom he's known for a few years. This woman (his best friend) is married, and more his age (im 10 years younger).. I have suspected him cheating because ever since we moved in together things have drastically changed between us. The sex has stopped, hes working late, too busy to check in, and he's always tired. He's been very moody, and distant too. I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.

 

Well now that his best friend's husband is sick in the hospital, we have been visiting them more. Well the first time I met his best friend, my bf was EXTREMELY nervous. Then as soon as we left, my bf become visibly emotional (red in the face, tears in his eyes) and when I asked him what was wrong, he said "nothing".

 

He comes to LIFE when he talks about this woman... he loves everything about her, and i feel like he wants me to be like her. She cooks, and he wants me to cook with her, and hang out at her house more often. It is very unsettling when we are all together in the same room because my bf completely detaches from me, and becomes her adoring fan. While in her presence he gets visibly emotional, (red in the face, and tears in his eyes)... yet he's so happy to be around her.

 

When I confronted him about the issue, he wouldnt talk to me for a day. He ignored me, and dodged me. Then when he started communicating with me again, he was very angy with me, and cold. Then when I told him I felt uncomfortable hanging around his best friend, he told me he didnt want us anymore! :(

 

So now I'm left feeling stuck since we moved in together because it's financially difficult to turn around & move right back out! I apologized for offending him, and now he says he's "cut off and numb" from me. It's awful.

 

What really hurts me is being with him when we go around his best friend ( he gets mad if I don't go with him and be a couple because she's married) and see the person I love, come to life for another woman. He is clearly in love with her, but I don't have a case because I have no evidence of him with his pants down.

 

I'm just really hurt, and all I can do is pretend to be happy with him until I can move out.

kaleidoscope Established Member

kaleidoscope

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Hmmm...that is unusual behavior. Why didn't he want to talk about it? Was he insulted that you would even think that?

 

When you say he is her adoring fan, what do you mean. Does he stare at her, compliment her?

 

Strange how he gets red in the face and tears? Yes, something odd going on.

 

If you can't talk about this with him who can you talk to? That sucks.

Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

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How long have you been with this guy? You just posted a few days ago about lack of sex … suddenly there seems to be a good reason. Has this just become clear to you in the last day or two?

norajane Established Member

norajane

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He is clearly in love with her, but I don't have a case because I have no evidence of him with his pants down.

 

You don't need a case. You know he's in love with her. That's plenty. And there's nothing you can do about that.

 

Hard as it is, you need to get out of that apartment as quickly as possible. That is your best option.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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How long have you been with this guy? You just posted a few days ago about lack of sex … suddenly there seems to be a good reason. Has this just become clear to you in the last day or two?

 

I've been with him a little over a year. I'm crying right now, so sad that I got myself into this situation. He just asked me while laying in bed... "do you feel stuck"... I said, "no"... then he told me goodnight. He knows I do.. it's like we both know what's going on, but we have to pretend, otherwise he gets violent and starts yelling.

 

Hard as it is, you need to get out of that apartment as quickly as possible. That is your best option.

 

I know. Once I move I will cut all contact with him for good. I am DEEPLY hurt and I feel so deceived and manipulated. He told me he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me.

Edited by SouthernSunshine
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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Hmmm...that is unusual behavior. Why didn't he want to talk about it? Was he insulted that you would even think that?

 

When you say he is her adoring fan, what do you mean. Does he stare at her, compliment her?

 

Strange how he gets red in the face and tears? Yes, something odd going on.

 

If you can't talk about this with him who can you talk to? That sucks.

 

He is upset with me for ever questioning his loyalty to me (that's what he says).. because I have questioned his behavior before, and he gets VERY mad. Before we moved intogether, he was taking a 3-4 hour nap every other day when he he got off work. He would tell me he was going to take a nap, and turn his phone to silent. Well, now that we live together.... he never takes a nap.

 

What i mean by adoring fan; he listens to her, he can't wipe the smile off his face, he gets emotional when looking at her, and he fidgets alot. It seems like his body is screaming underneath.

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Instinct is your best evidence, don't ignore it. Remaining with him is just accepting second choice- and nothing will eat away at your self esteem more than accepting that role.

 

I think you need to get out of this situation and find a man that thinks of you as a prize instead of an option.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Instinct is your best evidence, don't ignore it. Remaining with him is just accepting second choice- and nothing will eat away at your self esteem more than accepting that role.

 

I think you need to get out of this situation and find a man that thinks of you as a prize instead of an option.

 

Dang, that struck a cord with me! Best advice I've heard in a long time.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Ok, so my bf has been emotionally cut off from me all week claiming he's hurt by my accusations when questioning his friendship. Well suddenly tonight he starts being very loving & affectionate... then he gave me incredible sex! The thing is, tomorrow he's going 2c his best friend & her husband 4a few hours without me. Do u think he's rewarding me or "good behavior" so i don't have a problem tomorrow? Or do u think he's feeling happy again and reconnecting with me?

Melrapuo Established Member

Melrapuo

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If you don't feel comfortable, you really have to take a step back and think of whats going on, and what its doing to you. You still have doubts. You want one thing, and you got it last night (grats, btw lol) but at the same time, is that ALL you want? Or do you think that he's just trying to prove something to you (maybe even himself)?

 

I'd bring it up to someone close to you, like a friend or a relative. See what they think, and if they notice anything too. I'm not trying to give you doubt, but you already have enough to make you think this much into it.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Today my bf visited his best friend without me. He got dressed really nice and he left. I encouraged his plans & even complemented his outfit. He returns 2 hours later in a good mood, pretty happy. Then he starts crying while laying on couch with me. I asked him what's wrong, he says " nothing" ... then i sneak up on him as he's making a sandwich & he's crying again!

 

I truly believe he is having an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. And now, since i asked him why he was upset... he's arguing & mad at me. Now we are back to square one & he's not touching me again... not interested in sex.

I am DONE. FED UP. i am moving out as soon as i can.

Edited by SouthernSunshine
lululucy Established Member

lululucy

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Ok, so my bf has been emotionally cut off from me all week claiming he's hurt by my accusations when questioning his friendship. Well suddenly tonight he starts being very loving & affectionate... then he gave me incredible sex! The thing is, tomorrow he's going 2c his best friend & her husband 4a few hours without me. Do u think he's rewarding me or "good behavior" so i don't have a problem tomorrow? Or do u think he's feeling happy again and reconnecting with me?

 

Before I read your second post, I was going to respond to this one thusly: I think he feels guilty about his behaviour because he knows he's doing something wrong (even if it's only an emotional affair) and he's trying to restore your trust in him by being the old him that you knew before.

 

Today my bf visited his best friend without me. He got dressed really nice and he left. I encouraged his plans & even complemented his outfit. He returns 2 hours later in a good mood, pretty happy. Then he starts crying while laying on couch with me. I asked him what's wrong, he says " nothing" ... then i sneak up on him as he's making a sandwich & he's crying again!

 

I truly believe he is having an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. And now, since i asked him why he was upset... he's arguing & mad at me. Now we are back to square one & he's not touching me again... not interested in sex.

I am DONE. FED UP. i am moving out as soon as i can.

 

You HAVE TO move out.

 

Whether or not it's physical or emotional (or reciprocated) it's pretty clear that he has strong feelings for this woman. Perhaps he always thought she'd come to him in the end and she hasn't and now he cares for both of you so the tears come from a feeling of guilt. It doesn't really matter -why- he feels guilty when he is the one doing something wrong.

 

Protect yourself and get your stuff to a friends house as soon as possible. Under these circumstances I'm sure someone would let you move in for a few days or a week or two while you found a new place.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Wish I knew why he wanted me to even move in. I dont understand that. Why did he insit on wasting eachothers time like this? I was fine, just fine before we moved in with eachother. This frigging sucks!

 

I swear it feels like I live with a psycho. Someone who only wants what they cant have. He wanted me when I was in a relationship, and now that we moved in together, he doesn't want me anymore. NUTS!

skywriter Established Member

skywriter

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Wow SS,

 

This is a hell of a sad situation for you to be in. My heart feels so heavy for you. I hope you can find some enjoyment with your friends and family through the Holidays.

 

Big hugs and hope to hear things get better for you.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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Oh now that I stopped paying him attn, he suddenly wants to kiss me and get sexual with me... Im not giving in. its like he wants what he cant have! Total mind fu##!

Edited by SouthernSunshine
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Does the bestfriends husband realize this?? That your boyfriend and his wife are kind of in love / crushing on eachother? They are TOO close for comfort, too involved in eachothers lives.

 

Have you told your bf that he likes like a total fool-a.ss following her around like a puppy dog, with a goofy smile on his face? Tell him he's acting like a 14 year young boy in heat, and that you're sick of it.

 

Sorry, but as long as he still has these feelings for her and puts her first before you and your relationship, there isn't much you can do .. Either accept it or walk away because he is NOT going to change or let her go. He sees nothing wrong with what he's doing!

 

I wouldn't put up with it, no matter how much I loved the guy. He's acting like a total di.ck and he knows it too!! which is why he's putting on the charm to keep you interested and hoping you'll look past everything.

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SouthernSunshine Established Member

SouthernSunshine

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So, I have yet to move out... instead, we are playing "buddy" roles with eachother.. still no sex ( i blew him off the other day when he was wanting it.. i went to sleep instead) but now... when we are sitting beside eachother on the couch, he reaches over to hold my hand. well after holding hands for a few minutes, i look at him... and guess what?! He's visibly emotional again! He's crying! Well this time I don't draw attn to his behavior, or question him. I let it go.

 

Well as the night progressed, he pulls me towards him and has me sit on his lap! Then he whispers in my ear (something sexual)... then immediately turns around and says "Im going to bed"... then I start to go to bed with him, and he says... "oh no.. you dont go to bed this early, and we are NOT having sex"... then he gets visibly emotional again, and kisses me. Then he runs off to the bedroom.

 

 

I am CONFUSED as HELL at this point. What the fu** is he even crying about?!? I am really lost.

 

 

ETA; he told me the other morning, that he has to be "true to himself and to me"... and he cant have sex with me without feeling love. But he tells me hes in love with me... and he shows me that he loves me in other ways ( non sexual)... hes a very nice guy! But when it comes to getting intimate again... hes a total flip flop! Maybe he's protecting himself? Maybe hes really inlove with his best friend who he cant be with? Maybe he's really hurt by my questions? Frigging weird!!!

Edited by SouthernSunshine
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