polka_dot_pixie Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Hello, For those that know nothing about my story I'll just try and do a brief intro, I am 24 and my boyfriend is 23, we met 4 years ago and got together almost 3 years ago. However it was constantly on/off because he just seemed unable to fully commit, he would get cold, cause us to break up, and then a few months later after no contact we would reconcile, have an emotional reunion and get back together. This time we have just about made it to a year which is a record for us, but 4 months ago he left to study abroad, it has been very difficult and very confusing. He would send me ridiculously mixed signals even though he was extremely reassuring we would make it work before he left. I went over to visit after he'd been there a month and all hell broke lose, I snooped on his laptop, he had things on there for me to get upset over, we argued but had an alright time. Then we didn't see each other for 2 months during which he again was sending me mixed signals, if he missed me on skype he would email me all loving and nice, to just the other week when I txted him saying 'I love youuuu' and got a drunken reply back of something roughly translating to 'I only f**k' (which isn't him in the slightest.) So, I've just got back from visiting him again, I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, I prodded some more about this stating he didn't act as though he did, which eventually caused him to cry and say he didn't want to lie to me, and he wasn't sure, he assumed he did but blatantly his actions aren't showing that. So we had a long conversation, he cried, I cried, he told me it wasn't just me that he was having problems with, that he'd barely spoken to anyone since being out there, that he wasn't sure about anything - about himself, that he didn't know what was real anymore, and his life is made up of a thousand little things that are really p*ssing him off. Such as his flat, his kitchen (he has no actual oven to cook on and he's there for a year), his clothes (all his jeans have ripped and he's convinced something is eating holes in his clothes), his laptop (broken keyboard), his bathroom (just a shower that always is ice cold or boiling hot), and etc etc, could go on... He said he hadn't been able to talk to me about all of how he was feeling because he can't do it over email/skype, he needed me in person and there's nobody there he can talk to about it. Ironically we ended up having an amazing weekend, we were closer than we've been in months, his actions were full of love and care - as were his eyes. He told me he still wanted to be with me, that I was important and he cared about me, and he thought there was still something special between us and there was hope. But obviously I'm a bit upset that he isn't sure he loves me, I'm very much a 'if you can't say you do then you don't' type of person but every time I said he didn't love me he would say 'that's not what I said' and we'd end up back at square one. The first thing I thought when he started trying to explain how he was feeling was that he sounded depressed, but I'm not sure if I'm just making up excuses for him... He was genuinely upset, crying and couldn't even really give me a reason as to why and what he meant by him 'not knowing about anything' - he said he didn't know either, he just knows that's how he feels... So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced anything similar and can give me advice? I love him to pieces and don't want to give up on us, but the fact that as soon as I leave he 'isn't sure' of how he feels really, really hurts... I'm at a loss, I don't want to even say 'I love you' back at him... which I don't know if will help or just make things worse... Thanks in advance
FitChick Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He needs to learn to be independent. Get him to tell you positive things about the country, not just the negative. He needs to see his situation as an experience he will look back on with fondness when he is older and stuck in a 9-5 job in a cubicle.
Author polka_dot_pixie Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 He has been positive all the time though, this weekend was the first time he's voiced negative feelings about it to me... He is extremely independent...a bit too much, and like me, he's returned to education after working a full time 9-5 job so he generally is down to earth and adult about things...but I don't know maybe he does need to grow up a bit more.
wildgeese Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I don't think that he needs to "grow up" or anything, not necessarily. Moving is jarring enough for most people, let alone abroad. He's most likely getting used to his new surroundings and situation, which can be a lonely and confusing time at first. My boyfriend when through similar feelings when he moved (though still in the US), though he didn't quite behave the same way. It just sounds like he's not very good at focusing his depression and instead he's letting everything in his life become chaotic, including your relationship. He's not treating you in a fair way - it's never fair to yo-yo with someone's emotions. You can remain positive with him, point out the good aspects of his life, tell him that you love him, but if he keeps up that back-and-forth dance of commitment then you really should start re-evaluating your relationship. A person cannot have an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality when in a LDR and. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and the difficulties he's having in his new home are only heightening issues. It doesn't seem like he's very stable. May I ask why you even snooped on his laptop? Do you two have already standing trust issues?
Author polka_dot_pixie Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 I'm not even sure why I did it, I've learnt my lesson with snooping from previous boyfriends, but I was just feeling like something was up, and I think I was looking for something... Something to confirm all my fears. Things didn't seem to add up and I was looking for an explanation. But the last visit did make me feel a bit better, he seemed adamant that nobody else was involved and that his distance and weirdness and 'not knowing' feelings were towards everything, and were not solely at me and that there wasn't anyone else causing him to be unsure about me. It's just so hard, all I want to do is tell him I love him but I don't want to push him away by saying it, and it hurts to not have it be said back. The problem is when I'm with him I can deal with it and the way he was with me made me just think 'oh he's just in a bit of a funk, of course he does love me, I can blatantly see it in his eyes', but then when we leave and are apart he just feels cold and distant again, and all my negative emotions come back and I start convincing myself that no it's just me, and he just doesn't love me anymore and that's that. How do you get a balance with someone like that? When you need to be physically with them to help but you can't be? I don't know what to do. Luckily he is home in a few days, and I should be seeing him after Christmas, I don't want to bring it all back up again because it was only this weekend we discussed things, but at the same time he needs to give me something to be able to continue LD for the next 5 months.. We've managed 4 and I don't really know how, but spring is his worse time for his inner demons, depression, and retreating away from me, so I'm absolutely dreading it.
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