lilyblue Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I guess this is more of a vent than anything. People are probably getting tired of seeing posts from me, but I've found it very helpful to be able to come here and just get out whatever I am feeling. I understand if people stop responding, but am always grateful when they do One thing that still bothers me a lot is why he couldn't just be truthful with me. The one sentence recap: my good friend of many years pursued me, I tried as best I could to make sure he was serious about dating, he assured me he was, we started dating, 6 weeks later he disappeared (just stopped talking to me), he ignored all contact, later I found out that the reason was because he was back with his ex-wife. The week before he disappeared we were out with some other friends and he said a couple of things that didn't quite line up with things he had told me - this was a first (it was about how busy he had been, where he had been, etc). They weren't necessarily major things, just things that caught my attention, but he had also been less communicative in the week before, and something just felt off to me, so I asked him about it (non-confrontationally). I told him I was feeling a change and if something was off, or things weren't working or he didn't want to date, I would hope we could talk about it, figure out if it wasn't working, and I just didn't want to be strung along. He flat out said he would never string me along and he liked me too much to do that to me. He also said he wanted to date me, I made him so happy, and not to worry about that. A week later - poof! Why didn't he just tell me straight up that things were over?? It was only a week later that he disappeared and in retrospect his change in behavior was clearly because whatever was happening with his ex was happening then. Why didn't he just tell me instead of assuring me everything was ok and then disappearing? He's a coward? He did like me but still loved her? He was ashamed to go back on his word (that this wasn't going to be a short term fling that he would get tired of)? I feel like we could be in a much different place right now if he had just taken that opportunity to be honest. Instead he apologized, clung to me the rest of the night, held me as we fell asleep, left things at my house and kissed me goodbye in the morning. And that was the last time I saw him. He left that day to travel for work and communication was ok that next week. The day he got home (5 days later) was the last I heard from him and was a normal text. It seems to me like I gave him the opportunity to walk away with grace, and he just didn't take it. Why wouldn't he? Seems like it would have been so much easier for both of us.
TearyEyedPride Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 In my opinion... he didn't want to bow out gracefully. You sensed a change because it was a change. In his mind and with his time he was trying to figure out things with her. I think he needed someone to lean on or fall back on just in case his plans with her didn't work out. You were Plan B. Why couldn't he be man enough to tell you this? Could it be because he didn't wanna seem like a bad person? He didn't want there to be any negative feelings then? He chose to let you feel the confusion after he was safely in the arms of someone else. Why? He simply wasn't man enough period. You feel betrayed... You expected better. You didn't get it from him. That hurts, but hey when you're ready and when you've recovered... you can give a better man a real chance. And you'll trust your intuition next time right?
Author lilyblue Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 If he didn't want there to be any negative feelings he sure went about it in the wrong way!! The hard thing is that I did trust my intuition with him, and that's why I decided to get involved. He was my friend, I trusted him, and then he completely betrayed me. I don't know what I would have done differently. I wouldn't have broken up with him after one "off" week, that would have seemed presumptuous. Maybe he didn't want to be the bad guy. Just seems like such an immature way to go out about it.
TearyEyedPride Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 It was... it was a very immature way to go about it. But he has someone to take his mind off of how messed up a situation that was. He left you to cope on your own. So that was very inconsiderate. He was an immature inconsiderate manipulative jerk. Now you get to move on.
Author lilyblue Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Ah, I wish it was that easy! I know I shouldn't be concerned with their relationship, but I kind of hope he has returned to a messed up situation. I've got to think there are some struggles when getting back together a third time, especially when she was suspicious of him cheating. It's been 3 months. I went out with a guy last night and as soon as he mentioned his divorce I totally shut down. Not sure how to trust that a guy has really moved past his ex now.
Author lilyblue Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 One of my friends just posted a pic with him in it. He looks so good. I miss him.
chados Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 One of my friends just posted a pic with him in it. He looks so good. I miss him. how old are you two lily? sounds to me like this could be around the age of 20?.. at least it does sound like he is, im guessing because at younger age you would probably see him in school, and if youre older he wouldnt do this.. this is a weak behavior, he took the easy way out so to speak. this is not the first time something like this happens. im guessing he's afraid to hurt you or afraid to hear what you would say. i did stuff like this when i was younger, well not exactly like this. i could have contact with the girl, but i ignored her until she dumped me. dont flame me here, i was only 13-15:) my point is, i didnt hate any of them, i was just afraid to tell them that i didnt want them anymore.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 He wasnt honest with you because , well think about what your answer would be if he told you this: "Lily, I like you, but Im not over my ex yet, and I thinks shes giving me another chance. Will you keep dating me until I find out if she will take me back? I dont want to be alone.." You know what the result would be. See why he doesnt tell the truth?
Author lilyblue Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 Chados - I love that you guess that he's around 20, but sounds more like 13-15. In reality he's.... 36. "and if youre older he wouldnt do this.." One would think, right? He's way too old to think that this was a good way out. Could he be such a coward that it would blind him to seeing that this would actually be more hurtful? I really do hope one day he feels awful enough to come back and tell me. Eddie - thanks. the quickness with which it happened is the thing that's confusing. He MUST have known when we talked what was going on. I feel like he already had decided at that point. I just miss him so much. I feel like we could have at least salvaged our friendship if he had been honest. Although I'm sure she wouldn't have "allowed" it. Clearly, from the fact that it seems like she made him delete me off fb of all things, she does not seem to be comfortable with me in any way.
Sugarkane Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Yeah you would think a grown adult would be more mature! Lol many aren't. This guy was a coward and a jerk. He shouldve been honest with you and told you that he wanted to try and work things out with his ex. What a loser this guy is.
Butterflying Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 This is awful it's happened to me on more than one occasion. The words of a wise man: "The truth is rarely pure and never simple." People are often selfish. This is the reason they take advantage of others. The first thing you can do is decide to move past this hurt. Forgive yourself for allowing it to happen. Be proud of yourself for allowing it to happen. Cherish the good that came from the experience. Learn the lesson from the bad things. And finally allow yourself to be available for a man who deserves you, one who isn't selfish and treats you the way you should be treated.
Author lilyblue Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks for the encouragement. I think it would be easier if he was an all out jerk. He is such a "nice" guy though. Everyone loves him, he's outgoing, fun, warm, hilarious, has a lot going for him. I'm trying all different angles to get past the hurt, but nothing much seems to help. I just keep coming back to "how could he do this to ME?". It doesn't feel like it would be that hard to be mature and straightforward. I hope I find my way into his brain and he regrets it every once in awhile at least.
chados Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks for the encouragement. I think it would be easier if he was an all out jerk. He is such a "nice" guy though. Everyone loves him, he's outgoing, fun, warm, hilarious, has a lot going for him. I'm trying all different angles to get past the hurt, but nothing much seems to help. I just keep coming back to "how could he do this to ME?". It doesn't feel like it would be that hard to be mature and straightforward. I hope I find my way into his brain and he regrets it every once in awhile at least. i dont think i got any enemies. but sure i've done some stupid things because i didnt want to hurt anyone. and the thing is, this is always hurting you more. this was a long time ago, some people learn from their mistakes some dont. i dont believe he meant to hurt you lilly, and thats probably why he did. because he took the easy way out. just because its the easy way doesnt mean its the best, most often its the worst.. keep moving on.. one day you will feel much better, merry christmas:)
Author lilyblue Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks Chados - did you see he's THIRTY SIX?? I keep having to remind myself that it probably wasn't malicious. It was in all likelihood probably the opposite and he was just too cowardly and afraid of hurting me. The one time I saw him at a friend's party 2 months ago he did look ashamed and said "sorry". Not much, but not like he acted like a cocky b****** then. Sometimes I can convince myself he knew it was wrong, but other times, without an actual admission from him, it's easy to assume I'm out of sight, out of mind, and he doesn't care. Or worse yet, had negative feelings towards me (which he has no reason to, we never had issues). I think I will probably end up contacting him in a couple of months, but I guess things might change for me by the time a couple of months gets here. I don't think so though. Merry Christmas to you too
Author lilyblue Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 I was curious, so through another friend's fb I looked to see if he had deleted pictures of me at the same time he deleted me as a friend and he has. I guess that's more confirmation that it had something to do with his ex. He even deleted pictures of me and my ex-ex-bf from the summer. Guess he just wanted me off his page. My brother was talking to one of the ex's good friends the other day and he asked how I was doing since this whole thing happened (I haven't seen him since we stopped dating, he was one of the friends we were out with that last night). That at least felt nice to have his friend asking and kind of on my "side" - or at least caring. I mean I know they're still friends, but he wouldn't have asked if he thought everything my ex did was ok, he would have thought I should be over it. He also said that my ex is "in his own little world" right now. I guess that could mean honeymoon phase or any number of things. But it didn't sound really like a positive comment for a friend to make. I know that if I thought a friend of mine was doing really great that's not how I would describe them: "in their own little world". I know I'm probably overanalyzing these comments too much, but I'm of course looking for signs that he's insane. I'm trying to look for the postives (for me) in these things. In his own world... doesn't sound like something that can last.
daisydukes Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Lily I am with you girl. I had something similar happen to me and it hurts so bad! Lemme give you a backstory.... My boyfriend was acting strange the past couple of weeks busy and then come crawling back making last minute plans and expecting me to go out with him when he didn't realize I had to work or do a project since I am a photographer. He would then make dates like actual dates saying let's do this on that date and then he would cancel them. At first I thought he was sore because I wasn't able to make his last minute plans. One day he came over and he kissed me and said he wanted to get married some day and I was all excited because I thought he was going to propose eventually. Few days later a giant bomb went off ( not literally) my friend sent me a photo of my BF kissing another woman at a bar. I was heartbroken:( I texted him the photo and said how could you? He said I told you weeks ago it was over and I wanted to date other people. Funny I remember everything and he clearly never said that. I said you told me you wanted to get married the other day and what does he do? He says I still want to be friends. Funny a true friend would of told me the truth and would of been honest this whole time. I imagine if I hadn't ever found out the truth he would of been stringing me along and would be using me as a back-up plan in case his relationship with his new girlfriend fell through. So in a way I am thankful I found out but in a way I am saddened because he could of been honest on that day he came over and said I don't think this is working out anymore I found someone else but instead he makes out with me and says let's get married someday. What a jerk! I feel for you Lily. Some men are immature selfish jerks and I hope one day they can realize how many people they hurt and grow up. It hurts the most thinking how happy he is right now and not giving one care about my feelings or throwing away all the happiness we had and moving on.
chados Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I was curious, so through another friend's fb I looked to see if he had deleted pictures of me at the same time he deleted me as a friend and he has. I guess that's more confirmation that it had something to do with his ex. He even deleted pictures of me and my ex-ex-bf from the summer. Guess he just wanted me off his page. My brother was talking to one of the ex's good friends the other day and he asked how I was doing since this whole thing happened (I haven't seen him since we stopped dating, he was one of the friends we were out with that last night). That at least felt nice to have his friend asking and kind of on my "side" - or at least caring. I mean I know they're still friends, but he wouldn't have asked if he thought everything my ex did was ok, he would have thought I should be over it. He also said that my ex is "in his own little world" right now. I guess that could mean honeymoon phase or any number of things. But it didn't sound really like a positive comment for a friend to make. I know that if I thought a friend of mine was doing really great that's not how I would describe them: "in their own little world". I know I'm probably overanalyzing these comments too much, but I'm of course looking for signs that he's insane. I'm trying to look for the postives (for me) in these things. In his own world... doesn't sound like something that can last. yesterday i could see my ex at a big christmasparty in our town. she was running away from me, probably because i told her that the best thing to do is to go NC. well few minutes she asked me, how are you?, i said im good and then left. i really didnt wanna see her there. after a while we actually talked. of course some stuff about the past came up. i kinda ignored it and left. when the party ended she walked right behind us with a guy, "from her school class" i dont think theres anything there, at least not from her side. i thought it would be much worse to see her. when we had walked half way through town, she turned around and said my name. the guy she was with left, and she started talking to me. everything about our relationship came up. she's just telling me how she made the right decision, she said that "i" made it clear that this was for the best. what a weird thing to say, she dumped me? i just said i respect your decision. its like she's trying to tell herself that it was the right thing to do, but yet it feels like she's trying to make me the responsible for the breakup "without saying it". and 2 months after the breakup, i can still see that she's trying to hold back her tears. its a terrible feeling. about facebook lilly. i told her to not contact me, so she hasnt. and it has never really been a problem with her being online. i know she's been stalking me. and now she has closed the chat, so i cant see her online. thats kinda funny to, because we havent talked, so why does she close the chat?.
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Sucks we're all going through pain. I wish I could figure out a substitute for him being honest with me. Or him being back with me. I've started writing yet another email to him. I might send it, I might not, but I feel like if I do it's more for me to get things out there than for him to respond to since he likely won't. I have to make sure I'm ok with that before I send it because although right now I hope hope hope he would be courteous enough to respond, he probably won't. I miss my friend, and dating him. I wonder if I just continue to stay away, or let him know how I feel, if either of those would do anything to my chances that someday he will come back. I know I sound really immature here. Unfortunately it's an accurate respresentation of what's going on inside my head at the moment.
fificremefarben Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Sucks we're all going through pain. I wish I could figure out a substitute for him being honest with me. Or him being back with me. I've started writing yet another email to him. I might send it, I might not, but I feel like if I do it's more for me to get things out there than for him to respond to since he likely won't. I have to make sure I'm ok with that before I send it because although right now I hope hope hope he would be courteous enough to respond, he probably won't. I miss my friend, and dating him. I wonder if I just continue to stay away, or let him know how I feel, if either of those would do anything to my chances that someday he will come back. I know I sound really immature here. Unfortunately it's an accurate respresentation of what's going on inside my head at the moment. I wrote my ex an e-mail a month after he finally admitted (by text message) that he'd left me for someone else before cutting me out of his life completely. He refused to meet me face-to-face to explain to me what had really happened. Since he was obviously too cowardly to man-up and face me, I wrote everything I wanted to say to him in an e-mail. I really thought he'd reply. That way, he could type rather than have to man-up and face me. Against my friends' advice, I sent it. He never replied. I poured my heart out and he didn't even reply. It made me feel ten times worse than before . It really showed that, after 4 years, he really doesn't give a crap about me or the way he behaved.
Author lilyblue Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 I wrote my ex an e-mail a month after he finally admitted (by text message) that he'd left me for someone else before cutting me out of his life completely. He refused to meet me face-to-face to explain to me what had really happened. Since he was obviously too cowardly to man-up and face me, I wrote everything I wanted to say to him in an e-mail. I really thought he'd reply. That way, he could type rather than have to man-up and face me. Against my friends' advice, I sent it. He never replied. I poured my heart out and he didn't even reply. It made me feel ten times worse than before . It really showed that, after 4 years, he really doesn't give a crap about me or the way he behaved. I kind of did that in the beginning too. Texted him asking him to call me (since he wouldn't answer the phone) and then when that didn't happen gave a last ditch "or just text, I don't even care, just please stop ignoring me"... thinking that this would be an easy, non-confrontational path for him. Guess it was still too difficult. It sucks when they are such cowards and leave us to deal with it alone in the aftermath, leaving us with all their crap. Your situation sounds similar, and it does really hurt.
Randybrandt Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 He wasn't honest to you would you honestly even want that in your life? My ex was a terrible,terrible person and she left me for someone who I know she is just using that is how she operates. She lied to me she never talked about anything or any problems in our relationship and when I find out she cheated on me what does she do? She says to me you never listened to me when I said we should see other people. That is really,really funny because she never talked about anything and she ended up blaming me for not listening to her. I have thought on occasion I wish she would text me randomly just to say hello or I thought about texting her to say hello but like I said to you do you want that kind of person in your life? Someone who cannot even be honest? I know it hurts believe me but you are better off without them because clearly they are not mature.
Desensitized Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 He wasn't honest with you because he's a coward. He wanted the best of both worlds, you and his exW. That's it, there's nothing else. Move on, you can do better.
Author lilyblue Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 I can logically see how you would say that I shouldn't want someone like that in my life, but it seems hard to remember when I know that I was so much happier with him. Emotions get in the way of what "should" be a cause-effect relationship between him being dishonest and me not wanting anything to do with him. I wish emotions wouldn't get in the way of the brain sometimes. I wish I could just forget this happened. I also hate the thought of starting over. I'm attracted to so few people it seems rather hopeless. The one who reciprocated just threw me aside. I'm not sure if he wanted the best of both worlds - he dropped me cold.
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